Woah it's been ages since I updated! Sorry about that.
"Hi there" he murmured.
"J-J-Josh!" I choked. "Oh my God… Oh my God! I'm so sorry!"
He winced slightly as I reached up to touch his face which was covered with scratches and newly formed bruises. "Oh shit, oh shit oh shit I'm so sorry! I was mad and I didn't realise who you were and…" I trailed off as I caught the look in his eyes. They were clouded with confusion and anger and held my nervous gaze in a vice-like grip.
"You tried to kill yourself" he whispered.
"I know that..."
"No Hayley, I don't think you really do. You tried to take your own life!"
"Why do you give a shit?" I demanded.
"You're my best friend Hayley, of course I God damn care!"
"You could have fooled me. We haven't spoken in almost three years apart from my..." I paused for a second, bitting my lip as I searched for the right word. "Incident..."
"I know" he sighed. "I'm sorry too. I actually came to apologise in person after you ignored my calls."
"After you specifically told me to fuck off?" I shot back, anger rising in my aching chest. "You made it pretty clear what you think of me! In fact, give me one good reason why I should talk to you now!"
"Because I saved your life" he replied, matching my tone.
"Saved my life? Josh I was going to hang myself! I obviously didn't want to be saved, and I still don't in case you're wondering. So if it wasn't for you trying to play the hero, I'd be at peace and you would never have to see me again. It's a win win situation.
"Stop talking like that!" he pleaded.
"No Josh, it's the truth and you know it."
"Hayley please..."
"Don't you 'Hayley please' me. We both know that you wouldn't have missed me."
"Don't you dare say that, don't even think that!"
"Whatever" I snapped. "How I feel is how I feel, that's it."
"You're lying."
"Am I?" I challenged.
"Yes."
"How would you know?"
"Because I read your note."
I opened my mouth and closed it again when nothing came. I hadn't expected him to read anything I'd written. After all, he seemed to hate me.
"I had no idea all that had happened" his voice a rough emotional whisper. "I had no idea I hurt you and broke your heart like that. I didn't know Ryan had died, I didn't know how lonely you were, how much pain you were feeling. I wasn't there for you when you needed me and when I had the chance to make it up to you; I pushed you even further away. I wasn't around to protect you... That's why I stopped you Hayley... I couldn't bear the thought of you being so desperate to die. I honestly couldn't imagine life without you. I know no matter how much I apologise, it won't change what I've done but please just know that I'm sorry. I understand if you hate me or never want to talk to me again but just know that I'm here if you need me."
"It hurt" I whimpered as my rage faded. "I was so alone and tired of pretending that I was fine and that nothing affected me. Cutting myself helped until it got me thrown in hospital. Then everyone found out and 'intervened'. My way of dealing with things was gone and I felt worse than before. I thought that maybe if... I killed myself, the pain might finally stop. I just want it to be over."
He pulled me close and rocked back and forth comforting as I broke down in his arms.
"Josh?" I sniffed, my tears subsiding.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry too, what with me going crazy like that..."
He laughed softly, the sound reverberating through his body.
"I pity the thief who goes after your wallet."
"Uh yeah..." I mumbled, grinning sheepishly. "Are you sure you'll be ok?"
"Aside from being kicked, punched, scratched, bitten, sworn at and having my hair pulled from my scalp, I think I'll be ok."
"I've missed you" I blurted out suddenly.
He smiled. "I've missed you too."
I spent the next few hours explaining everything to Josh. It felt good to finally open up to someone after suffering alone for so long. He might not have understood everything but he did his best, he listened while I ranted and held me when I cried. He filled me in on the life and friends I'd selfishly abandoned and for the first time in a long, long time, everything seemed to finally be returning to the way it was before. Then he let slip with something the instantly made me wish he hadn't found me in time to save me from myself.
He was considering getting married.
To someone else.
To say I felt sick was an understatement.
"Her name is Jenna" he gushed, looking both proud and embarrassed. "I used to go to school with her and I kinda had a crush on her then but I didn't really think anything would come of it. We kept running into each other later and she added me on Facebook and I got her number and it just sort of went from there... We've been dating for a few months now and I like her, I really do. You have to meet her Hayley, you'd love her."
My lower lip trembled as I pictured the horrible scene that, if Josh had his way, would unfold within a matter of months. I let my head fall against his chest so he wouldn't see the devastated look in my eyes as he continued to tell me about his soon to be fiancée. It was then that I noticed that I was once again crying. I frantically wiped away the tears, hoping he wouldn't notice.
"I think that-" Josh stopped suddenly as the dampness seeped through his shirt. "Hayley what's wrong?"
"N-nothing" I stuttered.
"Hayley I'm serious, what's up? Are you hurt?
"No... It's nothing..."
"Some honesty would be nice."
"Well there is something."
He looked at me expectantly, waiting for an answer.
"You're going to hate me for this... Josh I- I..." I couldn't form the words. The truth was too painful to face.
"What is it Spongebob?" he asked gently, using my old nickname from way back when we were kids.
"No, I can't say."
"It's only me; I'm not going to tell anyone who you have a major crush on" he teased.
"What would you say if I said it was you" I muttered.
"Yeah that's funny Sponge!" he gasped out in between a fit of boisterous laughter.
I looked at him and silently willed him to understand.
"Wait, you're serious?"
I nodded.
"Oh my God" he sighed.
"I knew I should have kept my mouth shut! You probably hate me now... Can't say I blame you though, I'm selfish and stupid."
"Hayley..." He started.
"And you don't care anymore so why I am even bothering..."
"Hayley..." He tried again.
"Go and be with Jenna, I deserve to be miserable"
"HAYLEY WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND PLEASE?"
I stopped ranting and looked up at him, surprised at the anger in his voice.
"I know."
"What?"
"You thought you were the only one? Stupid, stupid girl."
"What are you talking about?" I asked, completely bewildered.
"I thought you'd never admit it... I love you too Hayles, more than you'll ever know. In the end I let you go because I was too blind to see that I was fucking lucky to have you and I've been punching myself everyday since. We drifted apart and I didn't do anything about it because I saw how happy you were with Ryan. I'd give anything to be with you, I would but I can't. We can't work Hayley and we need to move on... Both of us. I'm sorry, I really am."
As much as it killed me, I knew he was right. He wasn't mine to take, not anymore. He lifted my chin so I was forced to look into his eyes.
"Please don't make this any harder."
I shook my head as I held his gaze.
"You said you'd never leave me, you did. Now you're going to do it all over again and this time there's no going back. Once you say yes to her, I'm gone but if you're happy with her, I'm not going to stand in your way. You deserve to be happy... Even if I'm not."
He sighed as he rested his forehead against mine, my pain reflected perfectly in his eyes and part of me wanted to crawl into his arms and stay there till I died but I knew I couldn't.
"I'm sorry" he whispered.
"So am I, but you're right."