Upgrades

There isn't one part of her body that doesn't hurt. Having superhuman powers had been the greatest rush ever. But now that the armbands have fallen off and her muscles don't remember the strength they possessed for a little while she can feel even the tiniest of them. Climbing into her jeans is like climbing a mountain, and she needs to sit down for a break before she goes on to the next leg that is her jacket. As soon as her body stops hurting the memories of what happened on Apophis' ship come back. When her inner eye recalls the look on his face, a sensation different to pain rocks her body. No man ever has looked at her this way. Loving, caring, willing to die for her. She can't remember the exact moment she realized how she felt for him. Perhaps when he got lost on Edora. Her feelings had crept in slowly, secretly, and then with a sheer unignorable force. In his case, the realization had played out right in front of her. A performance of emotions—one stronger than the other and no chance to conceal them. First, Colonel-concern. Then the frustration of not being able to save her. The growing panic. The outburst of devotion. Finally, the realization of love. Shock, confusion, AHA all swirled up with deep affection. The intensity of the moment threatens to overwhelm her. She tries to swallow the knot that has formed in her throat hours ago and won't go away.

Finally dressed, she steps out of the locker room and finds him leaning against the wall. Jeans, white shirt, the leather jacket that fits so nicely. One foot casually placed on the wall, his hands crossed in front of his chest, his eyes immediately onto hers. It's not the first time that she notices how good he looks out of his BDUs, but it's the first time since she has admitted to herself how she feels and the first time with the knowledge that those feelings might be mutual. She knows it's wrong. She knows it's forbidden, and nevertheless, it sends a smile on her face. It's the only muscle that doesn't hurt, but if she can't stop controlling this beam, it will soon. A smirk spreads on his lips. He's not quite the always cool Colonel. And she likes that she's the reason for it. He pushes off the wall and digs his hands into his pockets.

"Daniel really wants a steak," he says. "And since you caused a brawl at O'Malley, we're making some at my place."

She enjoys way too much how his eyes jump nervously back and forth between her and the tip of his boots.

"Teal'c and Daniel went ahead for shopping, and I'm...uh...here to ask you. Wanna come?"

It's thrilling to have this newfound power over him. It's so wrong to be enjoying it but tell that a woman that has never felt so intensely for someone as she does for him. Make it a woman that can clearly see how her presence alone makes said man blush the tiniest bit. She should go home. Calm her head and stop her heart from beating a too fast pace for her CO. This is trouble, and unfortunately, Sam Carter is someone who is usually into that. It all started after her mother's death as a rebellion to her father. During her time at the Airforce, there had always been some other stupid rules that gave her a good reason to be rebellious against the establishment. But this time it's different. Even though this feels big and profound and probably life-changing—more than anything else she has ever felt before—this can't happen. They are good together. Good at fighting the Goa'ulds. Good at making allies. Good at coming up with wakey plans that save the world. And that is all that matters at the moment. This war they are fighting, and without wanting to sound big headed, they are playing a crucial part in winning it.

"Steak sounds good," she says as a dispute to all the thoughts that just went through her head. And so they walk towards the elevator. When an airman comes their way, the Colonel stays right next to her instead of moving ahead, and the back of his hand slightly brushes against hers. An ordinary touch that ignites her beam again. Goddammit Sam, stop it already.

While the elevator works it's way up she stands quietly wedged into the corner far from him, mostly because SG3 has squeezed in last minute. Major Wade is trying to get Colonel O'Neill to talk about the wristbands and how cool it must be to have superpowers. The Colonel answers unwillingly.

"Sounded like it was a tight safe in the end?" Wade says, and Sam is surprised how quickly information gets passed on in the mountain.

"You know us. We always find a loophole," Colonel O'Neill answers and his glance hushes over to her.

"Sometimes you make us look bad, Jack. Always willing to stay back even if it means dying with a team member." Wade says. It's sincere, but it lets Sam's inner alarm bell ring. Before the Colonel can answer the doors open and SG3 steps out, leaving him and her in the vacuum of the earlier conversation. Eventually, he breaks the silence, "It was close today."

When she looks up into his eyes, it's all there again. The feelings play out on his face once more. Without the force field between them, it's much harder to counter his look. Without the force field, she needs to hold herself back, and only now she admits to herself that she would have kissed him if it weren't for that shield. The wish to do so becomes overwhelming, and she lowers her eyes, cursing her skin to give everything away with that deep blush that covers her cheeks.

"It was," she whispers.

"I couldn't leave you behind," he says, and it feels like his sentence is missing a word. Something like 'ever.' This gap hangs between them, and she could swear she hears his heart pound in his chest. Before she can say anything, the doors open and a group of airmen comes in. They're mid-conversation and don't seem to recognize the two members of mountain-famous SG1. Accidentally one bumps into Sam. In retrospect, it was a very light bump—no reason at all to stumble sidewards right into the arms of Colonel O'Neill. But here she is and before she can think his hands tightened around her arms and then the elevator doors open again and the airmen step out. When the doors close, he's still holding her—with his hands and equally with his eyes. It takes all the power she possesses to suppress the urge to lean forward and kiss him. And if he keeps on looking at her this way, it's a battle she's going to lose.

Get yourself together, she thinks, but neither moves her eyes nor her body away from him. On the contrary, she can't help but bite her lips as if she is trying to get an idea of how his lips on hers would feel.

SAM!

As if he can hear her inner voice screaming, he drops his arms and takes a step back just in time before the elevator doors open to the world outside. He gestures her to get out first, and when she senses him behind her, she quickly closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Like so many times before, stepping out of the elevator means stepping into a world where Apophis doesn't exist, where no Replicators are threatening to destroy earth, or Atanik Armbands are a thing of superhero movies. Just like many times before she tries to leave everything in the mountain—the world between the worlds. Not that the flutter in her stomach, when she smells his aftershave, is allowed there. But under no circumstances can she allow to bring those feelings into the real world. As soon as she would start to wonder how it would be to wake up next to him, to spend an evening watching TV together, to brush teeth next to each other, it would become too real. And then there is no way back. Feeling all those feelings works if it's on an alien planet or in the eye of death because the next thought will go back to the mission, but out here it would be uncontrollable, and she knows herself well enough to admit that actions would follow.

Really, she should be going home. Not anymore because she enjoys this spark between them, but because she's afraid of what it would ignite. However, she decides to join the guys for dinner, anyways. To deal with it, she needs to ignore it, and the best way to do so is to pretend it doesn't influence her. To pretend it's not there. She can do it. Has practice with it. She pretended when her mom died or when her father and brother started fighting. She pretended when she realized that Hanson was an ass and when she first noticed her feelings for Jack. She has gotten good at it. Maybe this was why she doesn't have a life. But she has this job and this war to fight, and she has always been better at following what her mind told her to do rather than what her heart ached for.

„See you at my house?" he asks as they arrive at her car.

„Yes, Sir."

Thank god for the military protocol to default back to.

He squints his eyes at her, then smirks knowingly. He understands. They'll be good.