Chapter 4 Notes: This chapter is set when Jess is 22 and is visiting Stars Hollow. He meets his new half sister and spends time with Luke and April.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls

Jess sat in his car outside Liz and TJ's house late Saturday morning trying to work up the nerve to actually go in. Meeting his new half-sister had been the main reason for his trip to Stars Hollow, but that had seemed like a much better idea when he was still in Philadelphia. Now he wasn't sure he could do it. Wasn't sure why he was even bothering. He had gotten past the worst of his adolescent anger toward Liz, but interacting with her still left him feeling bad most times. She was too closely linked to all the childhood insecurities he thought he had successfully buried, and being in her presence brought them all bubbling to the surface triggering his regression into a hostile and anxious version of himself that he didn't like very much. Being around his own mother and feeling a disconnect in place of what should have been one of the strongest bonds in his life always exacerbated his normal feelings of loneliness and inadequacy and made him question his ability to have meaningful relationships. His life was easier to manage when he avoided Liz and tried to put her and his childhood out of his mind. Even though he was dreading this visit, he knew he was going to put himself through it anyway. Luke had been bugging him to get out here for a visit since Doula had been born six months ago, and he wanted to keep his uncle happy with him. He didn't like feeling like he was disappointing the man every time he gave him another excuse on the phone as to why he couldn't make it to Stars Hollow. But now, going in and meeting Liz's new child, the one she seemed willing to actually attempt to be a decent mother to, felt too difficult. Jess knew it was ridiculous to feel jealousy toward a baby, but he couldn't help feeling that this was just the latest little girl to replace him. At this point, everyone who'd ever parented him, either biologically or emotionally, had a daughter, or daughter-type person, in their lives that took priority over him. Jimmy had Lilly, Luke had April and now Liz had Doula. In fairness, he recognized that Luke had tried to be a good parent to him long before April had entered his life, but it seemed like both Jimmy and Liz hadn't had their parental instincts triggered until Lilly and Doula came along. As if for some reason, Jess's birth hadn't been enough and he himself hadn't been worth the effort. He sighed. Dwelling on this stuff never led to anywhere good. He knew he needed to get this over with. He had spent the previous night at Luke's so it's not like he could just slip out of town without meeting Doula. Luke would find out and be disappointed, and he didn't think he'd accept his excuse that it was just too hard. As much as Jess knew Luke was on his side in most things Liz-related, he realized Luke was very taken with the prospect of having his sister cleaned up and back in Stars Hollow. Jess didn't believe that Liz deserved to get a second chance at having a family, but he thought his uncle did. He knew Luke wanted them to be one big happy family and Jess didn't want to let him down by being the only one who wouldn't make the effort to get along. He took a deep breath, grabbed the wrapped copy of The Velveteen Rabbit off the passenger's seat and got out of the car.

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By the time Jess returned from Liz and TJ's, the diner was empty for the mid-afternoon lull. Luke was just hanging up the phone when Jess walked in. "Hey, Jess," he smiled at his nephew, dumped the plate he'd been holding in the bus tray and walked over to face Jess from behind the counter. "How'd it go at Liz and TJ's? Doula's pretty incredible, isn't she?" Picking up Jess' irritation over the years at hearing Liz referred to as his mother, Luke had learned to only call his sister Liz when talking to his nephew.

"It was fine." Jess answered as he sat down on a stool at the counter. "Yes, Doula is pretty incredible. TJ is still an idiot. And Liz is still…Liz. It was fine….." Luke frowned slightly as Jess trailed off. Jess knew Luke would think he had gone too far by calling TJ an idiot, but he couldn't help himself. The man had made two references to how excited they were to be 'starting a family' during Jess' short visit. Right to Jess' face. As though Liz hadn't already started a family twenty-two years ago. As though he wasn't Liz's own son. He made a mental note to limit what he said to Luke to only positive things. Yes, Doula is cute. Yes, he can see the Danes family resemblance, blah, blah, blah. He needed to focus on those things. The last thing he wanted was to be edged out of Luke's life for being the proverbial fly in the ointment of his uncle's happy family. If he made too many excuses to not visit, if he was too negative when he was around, if he mocked Liz and TJ too much, he worried Luke might reach the point where he stopped calling him and inviting him to visit. He could picture that happening, and what scared him was that he wasn't sure he could do better, and he'd actually understand if Luke got tired of dealing with all his negative crap. God knows his uncle had already put up with more than his fair share from him in the past, and he knew he should be over his crappy teenage attitude at this point. And, normally, he felt like he was.

"You take any pictures on your phone while you were there?" Luke asked. Jess seemed a little down. He knew visiting Liz and her new family wouldn't be easy for Jess. He had been hoping it would go better than either of them had expected, but judging from Jess' demeanor it didn't seem like it had, and that left Luke feeling a little guilty about badgering his nephew into visiting. He loved his sister and honestly believed that she wanted to be a better mother to Doula and to Jess, but he knew she could be thoughtless and self-absorbed and that she wasn't always careful of Jess' feelings.

"No, but I don't think Doula's grown that much since you last saw her two days ago. I'm pretty sure you'd still recognize her if you passed her on the street."

"I know that, Wise-ass. I wanted a picture of the two of you together. Did Liz take a picture of you holding Doula? I'll get her to give me a copy."

"Well, it looks like Liz let you down, too." Jess feigned disappointment. "Unfortunately, no pictures were taken at the Danes, Mariano, whatever the hell TJ's last name is, family reunion today. Sorry, better luck next time." Luke frowned again. Jess didn't know what was worse, Luke's surprise that Liz didn't care about having a picture of her two children together, or his own complete lack thereof. There were very few pictures from Jess' own childhood, so he had history on his side. Luke's naivete toward his sister's intentions always felt sadder somehow to Jess than his own cynicism. It was a reminder to Jess that Liz was still capable of hurting her brother in a way she could no longer hurt him because Luke still had expectations of her.

"That's all right, Nephew," Luke was smiling again. "I'll get one the next time you two are together. So, is there anything else you want to do while you're in town? It's pretty dead right now so I can leave Caesar on his own, if you want to do something. And Lane is coming in to help cover the dinner rush." "Or, if you have other plans that's fine, too…" Luke added, not wanting to presume how much time the boy would want to spend with him.

Jess smirked. "Gee, sorry, Uncle Luke, my weekend is booked solid what with catching up with all the swell friends I made while I was serving my sentence at Stars Hollow High and all. Maybe I can fit you in between the pick-up softball game and the sock hop."

"Are you ever going to outgrow being an annoying smart-ass?"

Jess laughed and paused. "I honestly don't go through life like this anymore, but being around you just brings it out in me." Jess shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you." He really didn't hide behind sarcasm as much as he used to. Not in his regular day to day life. But, it was still his go to method of defense with Luke. He wondered why it was easier to make a joke than to admit he wanted to spend time with his uncle. "I actually need to run to Walmart and stock up on some stuff for my apartment. Once I'm back in Philly, everything's more expensive and I have to drive pretty far out of the city to find a Walmart. We could go do that if you want?"

"Sure," Luke smiled at the offer. "Oh, hey! Have you ever been to a store called Target? April took me to one and it was really fun. We got all kinds of stuff for the apartment. She says it's way better than Walmart."

"Jeez, Luke," Jess chuckled, "You really need to get out of Stars Hollow more. Yes, I've been to Target. I agree that it's better than Walmart, but it's not as cheap. And cheap is what I'm going for right now."

"I'd be happy to buy you whatever you need at Target."

"Stop."

"I'm serious, Jess, I'd-"

"Luke!" Jess cut him off, putting on his best stern face for emphasis. "Thank you, but totally unnecessary. I don't need you buying my toilet paper. I'm actually a grown-up now with a real job and everything. Seriously."

"All right, have it your way. I was just offering."

"Maybe we can grab food somewhere, too. I'm starving. I'll even let you treat me to lunch if it'll make you happy. Because I'm a giver like that."

"Liz didn't feed you? You want me to make you something before we go?"

"No, thanks. No offense, but I'm kind of craving this little Mexican place near Walmart. I used to go there a lot when I worked there. Is that cool with you?"

"Sure. That sounds good. Let me just go upstairs and wash up a little first." Luke started towards the stairs then turned back. "Oh, I almost forgot! Have you seen a grape LipSmacker anywhere? It's like a chapstick, but it's purple and it's supposed to taste like grapes or something…I don't know. It's a big deal with April and her friends. April called right before you came in and said she thought she forgot it when she was here earlier. I want to look for it and put it away for her before it gets lost. As soon as I find it, we'll go, ok?" Luke bent down and started looking on the shelves behind the counter.

"April was here earlier?"

"Yeah, while you were at Liz and TJ's. She helps me out in the diner for the Saturday lunch rush sometimes."

"She's like twelve! You do know there are child labor laws in this country, right?

"It's not like I have her grilling burgers or waiting tables or anything. She just refills salt and pepper shakers and ketchup bottles and organizes the silverware, stuff like that. Mostly she just hangs out and talks to people or reads a book. You know, kinda like you used to do except you were actually on the clock." Luke smirked at Jess. "Anyway, she seems to like it."

"She likes hanging around in a diner refilling condiment containers and organizing silverware in her free time? Well, I bet that paternity test just seems superfluous now, huh?"

Luke laughed. "I think it's more just a chance for us to spend time together, you know, without the pressure of having to go do something. It was awkward getting to know each other at the beginning, and her helping out here or even just hanging around while I worked gave us something to do without having to make a plan every time we saw each other. And it just kind of stuck as part of our routine." Luke shrugged, "And, like I said, she seems to think it's fun."

Jess got up from his stool and starting walking around the dining room, his eyes tracking the floor for the missing lip balm. He started off hesitantly, "I didn't realize April would be around this weekend. I could have headed back to Philly after I was done at Liz's."

Luke stopped searching the shelves and stood up behind the counter to look at Jess. "What are you talkin' about? April's around every weekend. She lives a bike ride away. Why would you head back to Philly early because April's around?"

Jess kept his eyes trained on the floor as he checked under the tables. "I don't want to be in the way if you want to spend time with April today. That's all I'm saying. I understand if you do."

Luke paused to collect his thoughts. "You're not in the way of anything." Jess didn't respond. Luke knew the boy was always more sensitive after spending time with his mother. Luke kept hoping that their mother/son dynamic would improve as Jess grew up, but he was beginning to think that the state of their relationship hinged more on Liz's maturity level than on Jess', and that might make salvaging it more difficult. Luke made himself return to looking for the lip balm as he started to speak again, knowing Jess was more comfortable in certain conversations when he didn't feel like he was being watched. "I did spend time with April today. Now, I'm spending time with you. I know you're going to think that I don't get out enough, but getting to see my two favorite people in the same day is pretty exciting stuff for me." Still nothing from Jess who was now squatting down with his back to Luke examining the floor beneath a table, so Luke went on. "The only thing that would be more exciting for me would be to see my two favorite people at the same time. I was thinking….I'd, uh, like for us to have a family dinner tomorrow night before you head back to Philly. Would you be all right with that?" Luke tried to make the suggestion sound casual.

Jess stood up and turned around to face Luke with a scowl on his face. "Are you kidding me? This is bullshit! If I knew you were going to try to make me see Liz and TJ a second time in one weekend, I would have just skipped this morning! I really don't want to do that, Luke! Especially not right before I leave. But, whatever. Do what you want! I'll just leave before dinner if that's what you want to do. Maybe I'll just head back today!"

"What? No! I didn't mean Liz and TJ!" Luke was caught off guard by the intensity of Jess' reaction. It made him wonder just how badly Jess' visit with his mom had gone, and if he was doing more harm than good by pushing Jess to spend time with her. "I was thinking just us. You, me and April. I really want you two to get to know each other. I mean….she is your cousin. Probably the only one you're ever going to have. And she doesn't have a lot of family either. No brothers or sisters. No cousins. I want you two to know each other. And I think you'll like each other. And we can do it as early as you need to so that you can get on the road whenever you want…." Luke was trying not to sound like he was pleading, but he really wanted this to happen. He really needed Jess to be open to getting to know his daughter. The alternative would be too personal a rejection. He had been too nervous to bring this up over the phone when he'd been talking Jess into coming to meet Doula, but now he wished he had. Having Jess decline the invitation in person would be so much harder to take.

"Oh…..sorry…." Jess said quietly, embarrassed by his outburst. He walked over to the counter and placed the Lipsmacker in front of Luke. He'd found it a couple of minutes ago but wanted to keep up the pretense of the search to give him some place to focus his eyes during this conversation.

Luke looked down at the lip balm. "Oh, uh, thanks for finding this."

"No problem. You can give it back to April at dinner tomorrow."

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Jess was sitting at a table in the diner on Sunday afternoon trying to read a novel that one of his roommates had recently read and recommended to him. Across the table, April was quietly working on her homework. She had come over around three o'clock and they were keeping themselves busy in the sparsely populated diner until it was time to go upstairs for dinner. Luke was technically working, but it seemed like he was at their table every few minutes asking them questions that seemed to get more and more random, did April want another coke, were they feeling too much of a draft from the air vent, would they want to go bowling some time when Jess was in town, or just staring at them from the counter like he was now. Jess looked up from his book, "Seriously, Luke, I can feel you watching me and it's creeping me out! Why don't you just take a freaking picture!"

Luke just smiled broadly, "I was planning to wait until we went upstairs for the official family portrait taking, but I guess I can go grab the camera now if you want."

"You better be kidding." Jess scowled, looking back at his book. "I agreed to dinner, nothing more. Taking my picture is not on the table tonight. I'm not even having a good hair day."

April looked up at Jess and laughed. "You're right, Dad," She called to Luke, "He is pretty entertaining when he gets irritated."

Something ugly shot through Jess for a split second. He had never heard April call Luke 'dad' before. He hadn't been aware she had moved on to that. She had still been calling him 'Luke' when Jess had met her at the bookstore. His mind had quickly fixed upon the juxtaposing concepts that April got to call Luke 'dad' when Jess had never even been allowed to call him 'uncle,' not even when he had been a kid and was living with Luke. He only used the term uncle to address Luke when he was kidding around and being sarcastic. He felt a flash of self-pity at the thought that he didn't have anyone to call by a family name. Luke had made it clear that he wanted Jess to address him by only his first name right off the bat, and Liz and Jimmy didn't deserve any other titles as far as Jess was concerned. He knew he was being ridiculous and the adult in him was able to squash his reaction before responding to April with mock irritation, "Please don't encourage his deluded fantasies that his jokes are actually funny."

April laughed again. Jess didn't have a lot of experience interacting with kids and he hadn't been very comfortable at the idea of sitting with April while Luke worked, but he had made her laugh a few times so far, so he figured he had to be doing ok. He did want her to like him. He knew how important she was to Luke and he wanted to stay on her good side.

"Seriously, Luke, you're staring again," Jess pointed out without looking up from his book. "And grinning like a fool. Just so you know."

"Sorry," Luke responded without looking sorry at all, "I'm just happy to see my two favorite people together like this."

"Aww, thanks, Dad. You're one of my favorite people, too!" April smiled over her shoulder at Luke.

Jess was again hit with the unfairness of their situations. Jess had gone looking for his absentee father and had found Jimmy, an emotionally stunted mess who barely had his own life together and whose first instinct was to turn Jess away. He could still remember having to beg Jimmy to let him sleep on a spare mattress in his house for a few weeks. April had done the same searching and had ended up with Luke, who had instantly adjusted his life to accommodate her and had actually fought for his right to be her father in court. The idea that life isn't fair certainly wasn't new to Jess, and he mentally berated himself for being so sensitive this weekend. He knew he should focus on what he did have. Like the fact that Luke liked him enough to even care about having him meet his daughter. He did appreciate being included as part of Luke's 'just us' when apparently even Liz and TJ didn't make that cut, but he still couldn't temper the restless, disgruntled need he was currently feeling to inventory all the ways life had shortchanged him.

Jess noticed April was looking at him with an expectant smile on her face and angling her head in Luke's direction. He eventually caved, "Ugh." He sighed, wanting to play along to keep April happy, "You're not exactly at the bottom of my list either, Luke. In my top twenty or thirty, easily. And most of the people ranked above you are fictional characters or dead writers if that makes you feel any better."

"Aww, Jess, stop it before I tear up."

"Don't let it go to your head, old man." Jess called absently as Luke walked away to pick up an order and deliver it to another table.

April leaned across the table with an earnest look on her face that made Jess nervous. "You remind me of the boys in my class," she whispered, the conversation clearly not meant for Luke's ears. "When they like a girl, but they feel like they're too cool to tell her, because they don't know if she likes them back, and they're worried about looking stupid. So instead they tease them all the time because it's easier than admitting they have a crush on them." She was looking at Jess' for recognition, but his face was expressionless. "And.…that's how you are with Luke."

"You think I have a crush on Luke?" Jess questioned, face still blank.

April laughed, "No, but I do think you love him but you don't want to act like it so you tease him and act sarcastic all the time." April paused, and continued on when Jess didn't respond. "He loves you so much. And he's really proud of you. He talks about you all the time. He was really excited for me to meet you again. For more than just the few minutes at the bookstore. He was talking about it all week."

Jess didn't know what to say. Of course, Luke would have a daughter that wanted to Dr. Phil the crap out of him the first time they spent any real time together. Part of him wanted to tell her to mind her own damn business, that she didn't know him and he didn't need her analyzing his relationship with Luke. But he knew he couldn't do that. Things were changing. He knew he needed to get along and fit in if he wanted to keep his spot in Luke's new family dynamic. He tried to think of something funny or charmingly sarcastic to deflect the situation, but came up with nothing, his verbal skills once again deserting him in the face of blunt emotional honesty, just when he needed them most. Not for the first time that weekend, he wished he had just stayed in Philadelphia.

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Later that night after Lane had relieved Luke in the diner, he and Jess and April were upstairs preparing dinner. Jess and April had been tasked with chopping vegetables to accompany the salmon that Luke was working on. Jess and Luke were working at the counter and April was using the table. Jess didn't think the girl had stopped talking once since they'd started working. Apparently she was quite a talker when she didn't have homework to keep her busy and she had been assaulting him with a constant barrage of questions for the past half hour.

"Do you like swimming, Jess? Do you know how to swim?"

"Uh, it's ok and yes, but nothing fancy."

"What does that mean?"

"It means enough that I like to think I could survive a shipwreck if I had to, but I don't know the difference between the butterfly and the breaststroke." Jess responded as he chopped his way through a carrot.

"I read somewhere that everyone knows how to swim on some level. It's instinctive for people just like it is for animals, but the people who drown are usually just the people with a mental block or fear who think they can't swim. Like my dad. Did you know he couldn't swim and he took lessons from my swim coach?"

"I did. I heard he was hot for teacher, too." Jess smirked at Luke.

"Hey, I told you! She asked me out." Luke defended himself, and laughed at Jess's incredulous look. "Don't give me that look! I'll have you know that I get hit on every once in a while."

"Jess, how old were you when you went to your first boy girl party?"

"What? Uh, I don't know. Maybe around fourteen?" In truth Jess doesn't remember going to any boy girl parties when he was April's age. He mostly remembers messing around with a couple of girls, but never anywhere as formal as a party, and he didn't think that would make good conversation. He picked an age older than April in case she was bringing this up because Luke was having a problem with her going.

"I'm going to my first one next weekend. I only got invited because Sonia's parents made her invite the whole class, but I'm really excited for it anyway."

"Huh," Jess didn't want to look uninterested, but he genuinely didn't know how to respond to a lot of the things April said.

"Do you play any sports?"

"Not really. I used to play basketball once in a while, but I haven't in a long time. One of my roommates is really into tennis. He keeps trying to get me to let him teach me to play, but I haven't gone with him yet."

"That's it? What about when you were a kid? Did you play any sports then?"

"Hmm…One summer when I was really little I played on a baseball team."

"Really? I didn't know that." Luke smiled over at his nephew.

"Yep. Liz was seeing a guy who had a son my age. He coached his son's team and thought it would be a good idea for me to play, too."

"I'm trying to picture you in your little uniform, being a team player." Luke smiled wider. "Seems to go against everything you believe in. What position did you play?"

"Just outfield. I was the only kid who hadn't played before and I probably wouldn't have made it into the lineup at all if Liz hadn't been dating the coach."

"I'm sorry I missed that. I bet you were cute. I'm picturing a teeny tiny little you sitting in the grass in right field pulling out a book to read between pitches." Luke chuckled. "I would have loved to have seen that."

Jess snorted softly, "Oh, no, definitely no book. Travis would never have stood for that. And he was definitely someone I tried not to piss off." Jess realized he'd wrecked the mood as he watched the warm smile fade from Luke's face. Things always got awkward between him and Luke when his childhood came up. He wished he had better stories to tell from that time in his life. He knew Luke blamed himself for not being involved in Jess' life when he was younger, but he didn't think he should. He and Liz had been all the way over in New York. And it's not like having an uncle visit once in a while would have stopped Liz from finding and dating the Travis's of the world.

April watched the conversation between her father and her cousin with rapt attention. She knew Jess was important to Luke and she wanted to learn as much about him as she could. When neither of them spoke, she filled the silence. "I read your book, you know."

"Oh, yeah? Isn't that a little mature for you?" Jess really didn't feel like defending, or even discussing, his writing tonight, not with April, and not with the way he was feeling this weekend.

"That's what my dad said, but my mom let me order it online. I couldn't not read it after I learned I'm actually related to a real author. It's so cool that you wrote a book! How much of it was based on your life and how much was fiction?"

"Oh, some parts were loosely based on things that happened to me, but most of it is pure fiction."

"Do you ever regret dropping out of high school?"

"Jeez, Luke." Jess shot Luke an annoyed look. "Is that seriously the first thing you tell people about me?"

"Sorry. April was asking where you went to college and when I said you didn't go, she had follow up questions." Luke shrugged. "What was I supposed to say?"

Jess turned to April. "I didn't exactly choose to drop out. I skipped too many days for them to let me graduate my senior year and I refused to take the year over again. I don't think about it much anymore, but when I do, yes, I regret it. I don't recommend not graduating high school. It makes me feel pretty ridiculous when I need to fill out paperwork and I have to check the 'some high school' box under education." Jess sighed and frowned slightly, "Plus, Luke was the most pissed off at me he's ever been over that. We didn't speak for a couple of months after."

"Wow, really? I can't picture that. You guys not talking for that long. That must have been hard. I can't imagine going that long without talking to my mom."

"It wasn't fun," Jess agreed.

Luke was focused on rubbing the minced herbs into the salmon and arranging it on a baking sheet with the chopped vegetables. "It was probably the worst time I'd had since my dad died." He quietly acknowledged as he put the fish into the oven.

Jess felt a twinge in his gut at Luke's admission. That had been one of the worst periods in his life, too, and going back to that time always made him feel awful. He knew he'd screwed himself over, and he always felt like such an ungrateful ass when he thought about how hard that time had been for Luke. All because he couldn't be bothered to sit through twenty more days of school. He had no more vegetables to cut and nowhere safe to focus his attention. He washed his hands for something to do and before he could think of a way to redirect the conversation, he heard April fill the silence by asking Luke if she should set the table.