I always imagined that when I had a family I would be married to a man that I loved more than I could say. I would have a job, a good steady one with decent if not great pay. We were going to live in the suburbs of Toronto, go to the park, visit grandparents. Do all of the normal things that everyone else does.
That was probably the hardest part of being pregnant at seventeen. It wasn't what I wanted, it wasn't what I had planned for.
There were plenty of other things that made it difficult. I thought telling my mom would be the hardest part. But she took it so well; she was actually happy and excited. I realize now in retrospect that my mother had spent so much time letting me down, and more time thinking about it in rehab. Me being pregnant was her perfect chance to get me to love her again. The perfect chance for us to be a family, for us to be normal.
Nothing was going to be normal about my pregnancy. Trying to finish high school while worrying about the fact that I would soon be a mother was a lot to take on. Despite the way I acted at the time, I really am glad I had Sean there.
He went with me to have my first ultrasound. My mother was less than excited when I asked for Sean to be in the room instead of her. Something about it scared me a lot, I wasn't really ready to see this baby, as soon as I saw its fuzzy image on the screen, then all of it was real. Sean held my hand tight, but not too tight. As soon as the doctor found the baby and pointed it out on the small monitor, I couldn't help but cry.
About a week later Sean walked me home from school, just like he did everyday.
"Do you have a lot of homework tonight?" he asked when we approached the door.
"Uh, no. I think I'm just going to rest tonight."
He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, making my stomach jump slightly, after all, I did miss him, "good, you need it. You want me to come by in the morning to walk you?"
I half-smiled, "thanks, but I think my mom wants to drive me"
"Oh, ok" he said walking backwards down the path, "I'll-I'll see you at school."
I could tell it was breaking his heart that I was shutting him out like this. He wanted to be part of my life, and the baby's life. But I couldn't handle it; I wanted to…no I needed to do it on my own.
I came in and threw my backpack haphazardly on the floor. I walked slowly over to the couch and sat cautiously. My whole body was sore; I was so tired despite the fact that I had been sleeping more than I did before I was pregnant. I laid down and stretched out, feeling all of my joints and muscles relaxing at once. My eyes closed slowly and I melted into the pillows.
"Eleanor!" my mother screamed, making me go rigid, "I'm so glad you're home! Look what came today!" she came in from the kitchen waving an envelope.
She plopped down on the couch next to me. I used what little strength and energy I had left to sit up and join her.
"What is it?" I asked rubbing my eyes
"I'll show you" she said excitedly, she opened the envelope like it was precious gold and pulled out three pictures, "it's the ultrasounds!"
"Oh" I said quietly
"Look Ellie, she looks like a little peanut. Oh! That's what we'll call her! Peanut!" she was flipping through the pictures over and over, her voice getting louder and more excited, "oh listen to me, I keep saying her. It could be a boy after all!"
She jumped up and scurried back to the kitchen.
I sighed and put my head in my hands, I was too exhausted for her craziness, "mom where are you going?"
"I'm putting these on the refrigerator!" she called, "I want everyone to see how cute my little peanut is!"
I couldn't help it I just exploded, "mother!" I yelled
She came hurrying back in, "what is it Eleanor? Is something wrong? Are you alright?"
"No mom I'm not alright, everything is not alright!"
"What's wrong baby?" she came rushing to my side
I threw her arms off of my shoulders, "why are you doing this?"
She looked utterly confused, "what? What am I doing?"
"Why can't you just be like every other mom? Why can't you be disappointed in me for ruining my life? Why can't you force me to marry Sean so that our family won't look bad! Why can't you ground me, or not talk to me at all? This isn't just some new fun thing for us to do together! I'm having a baby mother!"
"Ellie I know that" she said pleading for my forgiveness
I stood angrily, "no! I don't think you do! My entire life is going to be different now! I have to take care of someone else! I have to be the mom now! This is my life, forever! Can't you see that? I'm really scared!"
"Oh Ellie, I'm so sorry," she begged, "I just thought you wanted me to be a cool mom, I thought you needed a friend."
"I don't need a friend!" tears were welling up in my eyes and it was all I could do not to run to my room and make a nice gash on my arm, "I just need a mother! Can't you see that that's the reason I made you get help. I couldn't take care of my mom when she couldn't take care of herself. I need you to take care of me mom, that's all."
She grabbed me into a tight hug, "ok, I'm here now. You don't have to be alone. This is serious, I know. I just…I didn't want to accept it. But I do baby, I do. Everything will be alright."
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I'm so happy everyone likes this story so far…but I'll apologize for this chapter and many to come…I was trying to write 50,000 words, I wasn't thinking a ton