Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, the creator of Twilight.
Bella moves fast and snatches Jake's wrist out of the air. She can tell this action infuriates him further and he all but blurs with the coming transformation. He feels threatened. Just like she planned.
She waits for it. Any minute now. She's all too aware that Jake is about to attack her. Surely, she should have heard it by now. Any second. Jake is quivering so bad she can't even make out his face, just the bright white teeth molded into a large snarl. There was no doubt about it. She was in danger. Had she been terrified and somewhat sane, she would have been too terrified to even move, never mind think the thought that enters her mind next. She has to do it. It's the only way to get him back. She just had to. The growls coming from Jake's inner wolf are echoing off the walls, hurling themselves at her. There can be absolutely no doubt now. The animal inside her best friend wants to come out and tear her into pieces. This is it. Danger. But still. Nothing. Momentary defeat begins to set in bringing with it the minor twinge, reminding her of the hole's existence, of the pain of acceptance. He was never coming back. The growls are now growing deeper and louder in a more rapid succession than before. Bella makes one last desperate attempt at pushing Jacob Black over the edge. The edge that would make her lose her best friend but bring him back. An acceptable sacrifice.
"Jake."
And then it happened. Except it didn't happen exactly the way she wanted it to. Jake didn't explode into the huge russet wolf she had been taunting. Her voice seemed to have the opposite effect on him. The shaking in his body slowed down rapidly and somehow he is now back in control of his monstrous alter ego.
"Bella?"
It hits her like a thousand knives all at once. It's a pain that would make her collapse to her knees with the white blinding sheer force of it had she not had the supernatural strength to remain a standing statue. Edward-gulp-was never coming back. It's almost as if she has been hit by a whole track full of freighter trains. She can't help but feel as if she's falling into an endless recess, the ground opening to swallow her up to claim what's rightfully its own, her immortal fate not meaning a thing, keeping her falling for all eternity. Never again. Never. Not one word from him. Jake's button had been so easily pressed and the threat to her existence had been imminent. Still. Not one word. Not. A. Single. Word. What had she done wrong? He had always spoken to her after the first time he willfully left her behind in Forks. Maybe it was because she had still been alive back then. Or maybe because he had still been alive himself? Bella winced at the thought. The pain. Oh God, the pain. Any breath she struggles to grasp now is just for dramatic effect. She forces a part of her vampire mind to rationalize, to focus on the next step of the process, to distract her from the flaring in her chest. Doesn't matter. There's only one way now to be with him. Only one other choice. The only choice for Bella.
"Jake."
She slowly releases Jacob's wrist and steps back with her hands held up in surrender. She must now travel to the other side of the spectrum of emotions in this volatile situation she and Jake are now stuck in. She has to in order to achieve her goal. Again, a small sacrifice she is more than willing to accept. She begins to calculate the words and tone to be used in her coming statement. Jake just has to understand. They had always shared a special bond, a special connection where he always seemed to know exactly what she was thinking. That had not disappeared with her "change". After all, he had imprinted. Right? She didn't allow her name to move itself to the forefront of her mind. Instead, she banished it back into the deep dark recesses, the dusty corners of her brain, where it would not cause any trouble. Because Bella knew if even one letter escaped and registered in her thought process, she would lose it completely. The pain would just be too great at that point.
Bella needed to make Jake understand. She thought she had needed him back when-well, back when they had first formed their friendship. Needed him when she was torn between the love she had for him and the love she had for-. Needed him when she was hours away from her mortal death while carrying her beloved R-Just stop right there! Another sigh. Yep, definitely for dramatic effect. Although, that one little extraneous breath did help to clear all the mental clutter away. She needed him now more than ever and that's all that mattered. Her black eyes snapped to attention as she focused her thoughts on how best to persuade her best friend to her reasoning. Bella notices he's calmed down enough at this point that she can begin her sales pitch. His heart is pounding almost out of his large chest. She can see that, never mind hear it. She decides to give him a minute more to further collect himself before beginning one of the hardest questions she has ever had to ask him. She knows it will break him. But again, an acceptable sacrifice.
"Jake,"
She sees Jake tense and then still. He continues to stare at her, quiet and unmoving. She rightfully takes this as her cue to continue. But before she does, Bella tries to assess his mindset through his eyes. What can he be thinking? Would he do this? For her? She's unsure as Jacob's face is composed into the mask that Bella had always hated. Sam's mask. But she has to try. For him.
"Jake, I need a favor."
Bella can see the disbelief play on his face. She starts to feel the beginnings of panic. Oh no. No. Please. After a minute, the mask is back on, silently urging her to make her request. She notices with a faint whisper of hope that he doesn't shut her down completely.
"I'm listening."
Bella thinks how to form the words. She needs this. She belongs with him and this fact supersedes any rational thought, any responsibility, any consideration for anyone else in the world. Attempting to phrase it as gently as she could, all the while praying that that special connection that they have will be enough, she lets it spill out of her perfect marble lips.
"This has to end."
Jacob's head snaps to the left as he stares intently at her. He seems to think on it a for a good minute when his eyes widen at the new knowledge his brain is registering at her words. He begins to suck air through his mouth as if he has been deprived of it for the last hour. But just as Bella is beginning to worry that all that werewolf strength isn't enough to prevent Jake from fainting at the hyperventilation she is witnessing and from passing out on her, the snarls lash out at her as if to strike her down. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" So much for understanding.
"BELLA! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOLY CRAP! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!"
She should have known better and on some level, she was pretty sure she did. It was never going to be as easy as she had hoped. Maybe that's why she was intent on pushing him into attacking her first. It would've been a hell of a lot simpler to hear his voice than beg like she was moments away from doing. She allows Jake to continue his rant at her. She knows he's in pain. It's right there in his eyes, behind all the anger, disgust and horror displayed on his handsome features. But she can't think about that right now. The pain inside her was increased a thousand fold. She needed some form of relief. She needed him.
"You have a daughter! Do you even think about her?" Of course she did! Who was Jacob kidding? But she was in pain! An unbelievable never-ending amount of pain! Pain that would never lessen as time passed! Pain that would never heal! Her daughter had someone now. She had Jacob. Her daughter would survive because he would make sure she did. "What the hell is wrong with you? It would kill her, Bella! She only has one parent left now!" Bella internally cringed at his harsh words. Yes. Bella was left. Alone. He had made the ultimate sacrifice. Their daughter was safe now, loved and well protected. That's all Bella could ever ask for. So why was it such a bad thing to grant her what she had asked a minute ago? Why was it as bad as Jake seemed determined to make it out to be?
"You know, Bella, I've told you time and time again how it killed me when my mom died! How me and my sisters would have been lost without Billy! How I still need him around! You know this and yet, you're being so goddamn selfish and you want to 'end' it? GOD!" Jake's body started to shake again with rage. She could see him trying to regain control of the wolf so he could continue to yell at her, scold her like a small child. While he took his time, Bella allowed a part of her brain to mull over his words. Yes, she remembered faintly the choked up broken whispers in his room at Billy's as Jake stared at the picture of his beautiful mother Bella had found on his dresser. The glistening dark eyes that burned with unshed tears. The mumbles as he turned his head to wipe his arm across his eyes when he thought Bella's attention was still with the photograph in her hands. Yes. She knew how much he had needed Billy and still did to this day. She knew that she should never have put this on Jake's shoulders. She should have just given the packs a reason to do their duty. But it was too late for that now. As the pain threatened to overwhelm her if she did not finish what she had started, Bella steeled her resolve against her best friend's pain, both remembered and now right here in front of her. But before she could continue on her present course, Bella heard Jake speak, lower this time. "You are so goddamn selfish, Bella. How could you? And to ask that of me? What's wrong with you? Think of your daughter. Do you think Edward would do the same? Do you think Edward would kill himself and leave Nessie in pain?" Wow. Jake used his name twice. He definitely was trying to kill her. "Edward gave his life for her. He didn't do it so you could die too and leave her all alone. You do that and what he did means nothing." Once more. Maybe she was looking at all of this the wrong way. Maybe Jake was really just trying to give her what she wanted. Because she knew if she heard his name just one more time, she would fall to pieces and burn right there all on her own. The pain would consume her, ultimately causing her to combust into flames as Jake watched.
However, she also started to feel some anger rising within her at the same time. He never asked me before he did what he did. He gave me absolutely no warning, no indication that it was coming. He never thought about what it would do to his daughter, his family or me once he was gone. He never cared to think about whether we would make it through or not. How I would. Bella knew these thoughts were selfish and she did feel a little guilty at letting them play through her mind because she knew the truth. He had not been inconsiderate in any way. He had been noble, self-sacrificing. He had saved their daughter. Their family. Her. She knew she was being unreasonable in her hatred of him. But the pain coursed through her at an alarming rate every minute of every day and she just could not accept the facts. Instead, she allowed her anger to grow, day in, day out, just like the burn in her throat. She needed him.
Jake's tremors had stilled and he was now shooting daggers into her eyes. "Edward would be ashamed if he could see you now."
All Bella could see was red. Nothing else. The red so deep and encompassing that it reminded her of the last time she had drowned in this color. And that time, she had attacked Jacob. Not exactly how I pictured it but it'll work. It would be quick and she would get what she desired. Him. But not before she responded to Jake's incredulous accusation.
"HOW DARE YOU?!" She began to move closer to him in a threatening stance but he refused to budge. "Screw you, Jacob! You have no idea what this feels like! He's gone! Never coming back! I lost him! He was my soul, my everything! And now I have to face eternity without him! So screw you!" She lowered her voice, removing some of the emotion out of it but maintaining the same level of venom from before, making her sound even more deadly. "How would you feel if you lost Renesmee? Tell me. Would you want to go on? Wasn't it you who told me that the pain would be unbearable? Nothing around to even equal to the amount of it or compare it to? So tell me. How would you feel? What would you do?" There. She had hurled his own words back at him. Just let him try to deny it. To defend his mystical wolfy legends while dismissing her need, her pain as unimportant enough to count. Jake again relaxed his face into Sam's mask. Only his dark eyes reflected the true level of his anger. They stared each other down, each daring the other to be the first to speak, the first to make a move. It surprised her when he broke first. "If I had a daughter, yes, it would hurt, but I would stay around. For her. I wouldn't be that selfish. I would keep going as Ness would've wanted me to." She refused to stop glaring at him until it suddenly hit her with the force of yet another freight train.
He was right. She knew it. She was selfish. But she knew that the harsh cold truth of her epiphany in no way matched the level of ice of the realizations that were now heading her way contained. She wasn't strong enough to live with this pain. With this huge hole in her still heart. No matter her status in the supernatural world. No matter all of her special vampire abilities. Because the truth is she would never have that strength. Bella lowered her eyes and spoke softly to him. "You're strong, Jacob. You always have been and I don't doubt that you would do that." She once again raised her eyes to his. It was at times like these that she wished she could still cry. Let those infamous traitorous tears trail down her pale cheeks, each one silently mourning her epic loss all on its own. "I'm not. I never have been. You saw what happened when he left the first time. You saw how broken I was. This is worse, Jacob. So much worse. Just because my heart doesn't beat doesn't mean I'm not in pain." These last words came out as nothing more than a broken whisper, one last plea for his understanding. For his consent. For his mercy.
Bella could see the pain distort his features once again, the angry mask falling away to reveal his vulnerability. But nothing she saw on her best friend's face could ever mirror the depth and magnitude of her own. She heard him take a breath, as if to steady himself, as his face began to soften. In no time at all, Jacob had strode over to her and grabbed her hand, gently encasing it in his own burning one, and held both between the two of them. He inched his way forward, moving closer to her until she could feel his hot breath upon her face.
"No."
She heard the word, heard his soft tone, and immediately knew what it meant. Bella felt as if the very weight of the world had come crashing down on her and even her vampire strength could not hold it. The hole roared inside her at his refusal, sucking her into the nothingness and eternal torment she hadn't been able to escape. Exhausted from the acceptance he was now forcing upon her, Bella's head dropped like the dead weight it now was.
"What if I make you?"
She knew it was hopeless, that he wouldn't do what she had asked. "I won't do it." Of course. The one thing she desperately needs from him that he can't give. No, not can't. Won't.
"Even if I threatened to feed on the town of Forks? La Push?"
She could feel his hand tighten a little at that. Well, if that's what it takes. After all, he's a werewolf, I'm a vampire. It's not rocket science. But just as soon as the long lost sliver of hope starts to make its way back into her mind, Jake was all too willing it seemed to shatter it yet again. His hand relaxed and she could see he was back under control. He didn't believe her. And why should he? He knew her inside and out. He knew her better than she knew herself.
"No."
It burned her each time he said it and made the pain surge throughout her body even worse. She had a sneaking suspicion that he had just spoken his final word on the subject bring the matter to a close. End of discussion. Never to be opened again. The pain forced her to close her eyes and plead with him one last time anyway. "I can't be without him." She knew the words before he spoke them. "You have to be. For her. For him."
Bella clenched her eyes shut tighter and expelled another unnecessary breath which then broke off into something like a sob. She had blown it. Jacob wouldn't do it. And now he would let the packs in on it, no matter how unwillingly, so they would do whatever they could to spare her, contain her before utilizing that last option. For her daughter, Jacob's imprint. For their allies, the Cullens. For Jake himself. He had been the very last person, the one person who could help her. And now he turned her down and took away any other viable options in one swoop. Yeah, if she could cry right now, the waterworks would never stop. The pain was unbearable, snarling in her chest, a raging fire unable to be quenched. Since she was suffering already, she allowed the small fuel to the flames. Edward. The sob sound increased in volume as the flames roared to life.
Bella hadn't felt Jake move closer. She hadn't felt the tender kiss on top of her head. She barely heard the hushed whisper of his confession. "Do you have any idea how much it would kill me not to have you around, Bella? Do you know how my heart was breaking thinking that I might have to-" She could hear him choke off and then begin again. "-what you wanted me to. I couldn't bear it. I'd die, Bella." She could feel him pull her into his warm arms. They were like fire to her icy skin but she's used to it. After all, she's already burning in her own hell. What more could possibly hurt her? She laid her head on his chest, listening to his heart. She feels his hands gently rubbing her back as if to calm her. Bella doesn't know how he's doing it but she's not in as much pain as she was a second ago. It's almost as if he chases the fire away, the flames afraid to come near him, to stop tormenting her in his presence. She hadn't known how much she needed this. To be held in his strong arms, once again holding her together. A haunting echo of the past.
"I love you, Bells."
This caught Bella off guard. She lifted her head to look up into his face. His heart started to race as she stared deep into his eyes, trying to understand the emotions she saw there. Fear. Well, technically, she was a thirsty vampire. She was certain his wolf was fighting to come out but Jake was maintaining tight control. Pain. She had seen that in him ever since she had ceased to act like she existed. So it was no great shock to see it. But then she saw something which, had she been dependent upon oxygen, would have taken her breath away. Love. Deep, abiding, unconditional love. Bella knew he loved as she did him but it had changed back into a more natural state once he had imprinted. They had become family. But, this was not the type of love she saw reflected back at her now. No. These were the same eyes of the sixteen year-old boy who had fixed her motorcycle, who had snuck into her room through the window to try to tell her the truth, the boy who had kissed her on the top of the mountain, the fervor in his kiss silently pleading with her to choose him. He began to open his mouth to speak. "I'm sorry, Bells, I-"
Bella didn't even think, she just acted. She was an instinctual creature by nature and something told her to move forward fast. And that's exactly what she did. She pushed her lips to his, stopping whatever rationalization that was trying to work its way out. His lips were just as warm as she remembered, even hotter this time around being she was pure ice. Her mind was silent, the pain frozen in its place as the world stopped, then melted completely through as a new fire now raced through her veins. She was felt him move her into him, pushing her into his body, tighter, harder. Jacob had never been careful with her when she was human and he definitely was not being careful with her now. She licked his lower lip, asking him for entrance which he eagerly granted her. She could taste him. The fire raged within her, burning away everything that had been there only a moment ago, leaving ashes in its wake. The. pain. was. numbed. Shock now coursed through her as this new feeling spread within her, this new heat. She tangled her fingers in his hair as she pulled him even closer. She could feel him putting everything he felt into this kiss. He wanted her to know how much she had hurt him, how worried he had been, how scared she had made him. But he also wanted her to know how much he loved her. That was the one thing that would always remain true. She knew that now. The fire was increasing steadily. Jake pulled her into his body even tighter. She released a small moan. She just couldn't help it. Kissing him, he holding onto her like he was afraid to let her go, him trying to get impossibly closer just felt so good. Bella noticed his hands were now in her hair as pulled her face closer to his. She felt the same burning need. The need to be closer. Impossibly closer. He angled her face so his tongue could go deeper, taste more of her. She was mildly surprised at the thoughtless action. Surely if he was thinking, he would have been just a little worried about the venom in her mouth, but he didn't seem to care and neither did she. She did her very best to not lose control of that one aspect even though she was losing it everywhere else. She felt her back up against the glass. She hadn't even known he had moved her the few feet backwards. Bella couldn't help it. She was on fire. She began to grind herself against him and he would reward her with small growls. She could feel him beginning to respond and this just increased their need to be tighter. Closer.
She felt his hand move down to her left leg, grab it roughly and wrap it around his waist. His need for her was evident. She felt the same need. She let another moan slip out into his mouth and he began moving back against her. That was all it took. She jumped up into his arms and the growls coming from him were deeper, louder. Jake pushed her back up against the glass again. She was close to combusting. He needed to be closer. Tighter. She ground herself even harder against him. Before Bella knew it, Jake had them on the floor, her on her back and him on top. This was driving her insane. His hands weren't helping matters, moving, grasping and squeezing and rubbing places they never had before, all the while moving against her body. She could feel it now, the pressure was building. He was stoking the fire. Jake had started to trail kisses down her neck and without his lips absorbing the sounds, her moans were escaping her in a rapid succession. The fire was burning her alive. Well, figuratively anyway. It was spreading from the core of her being into her limbs and all throughout her body. His mouth was making its way back up the trail it had marked now. The flames were consuming her and she was more than willing to let them. The higher his lips rose, the higher the fire built. Once he was near her ear, the flames were at full force. One more kiss. Oh God. The flames were brighter, about to explode into oblivion. Another kiss. Here it comes. And just as she's about to surrender to the fire, let the natural combustion take place, she feels his lips at that spot just behind her ear in conjunction with his hardest grinding yet and the feeling is so amazing, she gasps and she knows this is it. She's going to die by fire.
In a split second, Jacob has stopped and is now hovering above her, staring down at her. Why did he stop? "What's wrong?" He was still nestled in between her legs. She could tell he didn't want to stop. "Jake?"
He looked at her for a minute before shock and guilt shoot across his features. Oh no. Sure enough, he was across the room in a matter of seconds, as far away from her as he could get. She now felt cold. Granted she was that way naturally but she felt it even more now in his absence. The fire that had been threatening to overtake her a moment ago was nothing more than a glowing ember. Bella sat up and shot a concerned look over at Jake. What had happened? One minute they had been on fire and the next, the flames had been doused without even a warning.
"Jake, what-?"
As she watched the story of emotions play out on his face, it hit her what was wrong. Her daughter is what was wrong. Shit! The pain that she had thought had been destroyed by her best friend was now back in full force, racking her small frame in agony, laughing at her naivete in believing that it could ever be truly gone. She couldn't think, she couldn't move for a minute. The pain was flooding back in and his name surfaced. Only once, but once was all it took. Her conscience was writhing in its discomfort, with the guilt at what she had done. How could she forget him even for a second? And what about Ren-gulp-her? What the hell had they done?
She quickly glanced over at Jake. His face pained her the most. A day that had started out for her so clear, so simple with what she wanted, what she needed, it had become disturbingly chaotic. All thanks to her. If Edward-pain-knew what she had done, Jake was right, ihe/i would be ashamed of her. It took for this to start to clear her thoughts. She would have to somehow make this right, somehow fix it. Even if it meant she would never get to know the fire Jake had burned her with ever again. She slowly nodded her head. This was acceptable. An acceptable sacrifice.