Chapter Four
Kate wasn't aware of how long she spent there, her face pressed into the side of Castle's bed, her palm touching against his as the regular beeping of the machines filled her ears. Time seemed to stand still inside the small room, the clinical smell masking Castle's own scent. The only measure of passing time was the slow meandering of the moon across the sky, being chased by the thin rays of the dawn.
It was the movement that Kate registered first. The flat palm beneath hers bending slowly, as though testing its own use before slotting between her fingers. Kate barely dared to move, afraid her dreams were taunting her again and she'd raise her head to find his eyes still closed, the only signs of life being the slow rising and falling of his chest. But the fingertips began to squeeze hers, sending a flood of feeling through her veins.
Kate raised her head, her tangle of curls cloaking her pale face before tumbling back over her shoulders. His eyes were still closed, the lids flickering against the dim light of the room, as his chapped lips brushed against each other.
"Castle?" Kate spoke quietly, afraid that her words might somehow hurt him further. She kept her hands frozen in place, relishing the weight of his fingers between hers.
Castle coughed, rasping for air against his dry mouth, Kate glanced around the room spotting the small jug of water on the nearby table and poured him a glass. She held the glass to his lips, all the while her hand never leaving his grasp.
"I'm going to give you a little bit of water, okay?" She spoke softly as she pressed the cup against his mouth. He nodded, opening his dry lips to swallow the trickle of water she offered.
Then he opened his eyes. They were open barely a slit, but enough for Kate to see the blue depths of them shining through. They had lost their sparkle and seemed dull, almost glassy.
"Beckett." He croaked, his face spreading into a wide grin that caused his chapped lips to crack.
"Beckett. Becks. Kate. Kay. K-Bex." The words slurred out of his mouth, a woozy grin still claiming his face as he looked up into hers. He almost appeared to be swaying.
"Hey, Castle." Kate's voice sounded small and unsure. The distance of the previous weeks had seemed to evaporate in his drug filled state.
"Hey, K-Bex." He replied before giggling. Kate stopped where she was, staring in disbelief. He was giggling. It caused a mirror reaction in herself, a slow smile spreading across her features as a quick laugh tumbled out her mouth.
"Ooh, a smile." His eyes still vacant as they flitted endlessly around the room, the words falling out all as one.
Kate's heart ached as her memories took her flying back to years before, to the first time she'd really allowed herself to unwind with him in that shooting range. The first time she'd laughed with him. A true, life affirming laugh that was the soundtrack to her childhood, a sound and feeling she'd thought she'd lost many years before. A sound that over the next few years, she'd come to associate with him.
She squeezed his fingers, wishing she could say all she wanted to with just a touch.
"Katekate." He called, his eyelids were now firmly closed, and his mouth seemed to struggle against his words, as though he were drunk.
"I'm here, Castle." She pressed her other hand into his cheek, allowing herself to give it one quick stroke. He beamed like a puppy.
"Don't leave me, kay? Katie… Katie with the eyes that sparkle… We need to call the band... About the thing…"
With that his voice faded out, his hand falling limp against hers, his fingers still lost in between hers, anchored by her tight grasp. Kate sat for a moment, her heart pounding within her chest, her eyes studying his face. The fear and tension that had been clenched within her body began to uncurl, she could feel her stomach unknotting, the permanent weight on her shoulders lifting.
He was going to be alright. They were going to be alright. Kate felt guilty considering the situation, but a smile rested on her face, lighting the dark corners of her heart. He'd been pleased to see her.
Reluctantly, Kate removed her hands from his grasp and turned towards the door. Feeling suddenly bold she turned back, glancing around her before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.
"I'm not going anywhere." She promised him, using her fingers to rub over where her lips had touched his skin, as though they had left a telling mark.
Stepping outside the door, Kate saw Alexis lying out along the chairs that lined the corridor, her face seeming younger in sleep. Kate stepped quietly over to a nearby nurse.
"Cas- ah, Richard, he woke up." The name felt alien on her tongue.
The nurse paused where she was frowning at Kate.
"He was awake?"
"Only for a moment." Kate fought the smile threatening to spill onto her lips at the sweet memory.
"That's surprising considering the number of drugs he's on." The nurse paused, catching the look on Kate's face before pressing a hand onto her arm.
"You're lucky you got anything coherent out of him." She smiled before turning into his room to check on him.
Martha caught Kate's eye from the end of the hall and gestured for her to sit with her. She sat next to the older lady, her red hair still shining in the hospital lights, her face having lost none of its glamour despite the streaked makeup.
Martha took her hand. Without speaking, Kate could see the turmoil in Martha's eyes, that she was wrestling with a decision within.
"Katherine, I just wanted to… To thank you."
Kate's brow began to furrow in confusion.
"You've always been there for him, whatever danger he's led himself into or trouble he's gotten himself into, you're always there. And I know that lately he's been a little bit-" Martha paused, trying to find the right words whilst Kate stared at the tiled pattern of the flooring. "He's been a bit distant. He seems to have lost his way."
"Oh, you don't need to thank me-" Kate began, trying to move away from the conversation that was causing panic to flutter within her now still heart.
"I do, I do, because I know he'd want me to thank you. Even if he doesn't remember to do it himself, it means a lot that you're here for him."
Kate didn't speak, she kept her eyes downcast, mentally counting the pattern of the tiles that spiralled along the floor. She didn't want to think back over the last few weeks, she didn't want to remember the distant looks and angry glances she caught whenever he lowered his mask of nonchalance long enough for her to see. She just wanted to remember his woozy, lopsided smile as he'd opened his eyes and seen her.
"Martha. It's okay. He'd have my back too." She tried to gloss over the deeper meaning to the conversation, feeling ashamed that her words didn't sound as convincing as they would have months before.
Martha let out a sigh, squeezing her hand once more as a nurse approached them, ending the conversation. Kate gave her a grateful glance.
"The sedative had begun to wear off, the adrenaline caused the drug to metabolise faster than normal. We've given him another dose, he should be under for a good few hours now." The nurse explained, smiling gently at their tired faces.
"You two look exhausted, why don't you go have a shower or take a nap? There's a family room just down the hall." The nurse suggested. Kate stifled a small yawn, feeling the grit of the long night against her skin before rising from the chair. Kate moved down the corridor, checking her phone as she walked, fighting the sigh when she saw there were no messages. She trusted her partners; they'd find him.
Inside the family room there was a small bathroom, Kate stepped into it, locking the door behind her. Kate began to peel off her clothes, folding them and leaving them stacked on top of the small shelf. She saw Castle's shirt poking out and pulled it towards her, holding it against the bare skin of her chest as she breathed in his scent again. She smiled wistfully, feeling a little bit silly now for clinging onto the tattered fabric, before replacing it in her pocket. Kate shook out the long locks of her hair, feeling the cool metal of her mothers ring pressing between her breasts. She ran her fingers along her skin, pausing to study the angry pink stain of her bullet wound. She frowned at the tightness of the scar, wishing it would fade so every time she saw herself she wouldn't be catapulted back into the memories of that day.
The heat of the water against her skin soon had Kate forgetting the memories that haunted her, and for ten minutes all she could think of was the pounding water melting the tension within her muscles. She'd planned to have a mug of bad hospital coffee, using the caffeine to pull her through until dawn, but sitting in the cotton towel, resting in one of the armchairs of the small room, Kate felt exhaustion claim her aching limbs.
When Kate awoke dawn had broken through the night sky, the light bleeding through the curling grey clouds that framed the hospital windows. Pulling back on yesterday's crinkled clothes, Kate ran her fingers through her hair before tucking her necklace back into her shirt.
Today was a day for new beginnings. She would talk to Castle, put the bad feelings of the last weeks behind them and move forward to the future they deserved. As Kate walked down the hallway, feeling her resolve waver she thought of his smile at seeing her. It was all the reassurance she needed. She could do this. Kate reached the door, her hand trembling gently against the cool metal handle as she twisted it in her palm. She opened the door to see daylight creeping through the blinds, falling upon his face. Her movement in the doorway awakened him and he blinked unsteadily at her.
"Morning, Castle." She breathed through her smile, allowing her resolve to carry her further into the room.
The look on his face broke her heart afresh. Castle looked at her through guarded eyes, this time she wasn't greeted with a smile. His lips were pulled tight, his eyes watching her warily as she approached.
Kate stopped where she was, feeling her stomach roil within her. She stumbled, her words dying in her throat, catching herself at the end of his bed as she searched his eyes for the love filled smile he greeted her with earlier. She was met by the same angry gaze that had been haunting her for weeks.
"What do you want, Beckett?"
He didn't remember. Kate held onto the end of the bed, struggling to breathe as her world came crashing in around her for the second time in as many days.
Xxx
A/N: Oh, the angst! I promise an arse kicking very soon to make up for it ;)