A/N: This is my least popular story but I. Love. It. So. Much. So I'm sorry guys you might just have to bear with me a while longer. Believe me I can't wait until the day my brain quits being obsessed with this and moves on to things you actually want to read.

Also, I expected a lot more angry "Oh my god did she cheat on him? Wtf?" reviews on my last chapter, but I was pleasantly surprised. I'm going to keep mum on whether she did or not for now ;) All in due time.

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Sometimes with one I love I fill myself with rage for fear I effuse unreturn'd love,

But now I think there is no unreturn'd love, the pay is certain one way or another

(I loved a certain person ardently and my love was not return'd,

Yet out of that I have written these songs).

-Walt Whitman

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The beginning of the end was jealousy. Which was funny, upon reflection, because their problems really had nothing to do with Amy, or Dave. But there it was.

When Amy Gardner was hired at the White House, Donna didn't pretend that the news didn't sour her morning coffee a little. She disliked Amy, not just due to circumstance, but a genuine personality conflict (few believed her, but it was true). But the news didn't make her panic, and she was secure enough in her relationship to believe that adding in an ex-girlfriend at close proximity wouldn't rock the boat. Josh and Amy's relationship wasn't overly serious (but then, none of his were), whereas she and Josh had managed to pass the big 'I love you' and moving-in signposts without major mishap. She felt a secure sense of superiority.

Of course, the situation wasn't without its irritating aspects. One of the most striking things about Amy, Donna had always thought, was how similar she was to Josh. She was only proved right by her behavior post-breakup - Josh and Amy both had the less than winning quality of ego driven jealousy. This meant that both felt jealousy after relationships, but only when the other person was demonstrably moving on. The worst part was that it had no root in actually wanting the other person back - it was simply resultant of a bruised ego. Each wanted every person they'd ever been with to be hung up on them forever.

Thankfully, Josh didn't really seem to care about Amy once he started dating Donna (probably because he was definitely winning the post breakup power battle), but Amy couldn't quite seem to move on. Donna wasn't fully convinced that it could be blamed entirely on her ego - she'd always suspected Amy cared more for Josh than she wanted to let on.

Either way, putting the two in a building together for most hours of the day inevitably led to some chaffing. Amy had more and more occasion to witness Josh's new relationship, and his newfound happiness, and thus found excuses to hang around him more often. She got in jabs here and there about age differences and college degrees. Donna had long since moved jobs, and was now working on the Hill under Congresswoman Wyatt, but she was still in and around the West Wing enough to notice Amy's condescending demeanor and obvious preening in front of her ex-boyfriend.

Of course, Amy tried to be subtle. She mentioned dates she was going on and men who were courting her, but the more Josh didn't seem to care, the more brazen her antics became. Amy hated nothing less than being ignored.

One day, Donna strolled into the West Wing, intent to drag Josh down to the mess for a fifteen minute cup of coffee because their lunch plans had fallen through. She leaned around his doorframe with a smile, only to start and immediately recoil. Inside, Amy was perched on his desk, legs crossed and chest thrust out just so in that way that had made many a man forget his vows for a night or two. Her skirt was inching up her thighs and her blouse didn't have quite enough buttons, apparently, and for some reason Donna thought absurdly of the phrase dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

The scene had been, honestly, completely innocent. Josh wasn't staring at her as he once might've, but instead distractedly scrolling through something on his computer screen. He wasn't overly close to her, his hands were where she could see them, and the door was wide open, after all. If she'd seen him in the same position with, say, CJ, she wouldn't have thought twice about it.

No, it's not that the scene was incriminating. In fact, deep down, she knew Josh would never do anything. He loved her, and he was loyal. The problem was that the scene gave her such intense flashbacks to the Days of Amy that it made her stomach churn involuntarily. How many times had she walked past a similar scene, only for Josh to call out, "Hey, could you close the door?"

She would oblige, Amy's gloating smile following her all day.

Her instincts told her to run. She couldn't explain it if she tried, but she needed to get out of there. She turned on her heel and started to walk uncertainly back out of the bullpen, but unfortunately Josh had seen her in the brief two seconds she'd appeared in his doorway.

He had caught a glimpse of the familiar blonde hair (which gave him an inexplicable feeling of coming home), and he'd whipped around when it vanished only a second later. He furrowed his brow, not really listening to what Amy was saying (not that he had been before) and got up from his chair, brushing past her dismissively.

He caught up with her just before the double doors out of the bullpen. "Donna?"

She turned around with an overly bright smile. "Oh, hey!"

He gave her a confused look, placing his hands on her arms. "I thought I saw you. What's going on?"

She allowed him to kiss her in greeting, and then folded her arms in forced casualness. "Nothing, nothing! I just thought I'd come see you. You know, drag you down to the mess for fifteen minutes because it's been a long day, and it's shaping up to be even longer by the time we finally get home, so..." She babbled. She shook her head once. "But, you looked busy, so I..."

"I'm not busy." He said immediately.

"Oh, you're not?" She sounded ridiculous even to her own ears. "Because-"

"Donna." He cut her off with a scrutinizing expression. "Are you okay?"

She looked away from him. "I'm fine. Totally fine. I just..."

"Is this because of Amy?" He asked bluntly.

"No!" She said hotly. "I mean, no, I didn't expect to see her, and it reminded me of, well, it doesn't matter, but-"

He smiled slightly, watching her blush. "Aw, you're jealous."

She reeled back incredulously. "No, I am not jealous, Joshua, I can't believe you'd-"

His smile grew. "You're adorable."

She spluttered. "I... What?"

"I can't believe this."

She relented with a frown, her arms falling to her sides. "Okay. It's possible - possible - that I want to stab her eyes out with a rusty fork. Or something. I don't know."

He looked impossibly giddy. "I can't believe this! You're jealous. Oh my gosh, this is the best day of my life."

She glared at him. "Not helping."

"Sorry." He carefully brought her in with his hands on her waist. "I'm sorry, this is just, wow."

She smiled reluctantly. "Josh."

"You're jealous. It's cute, honestly."

"Can we please move past this?"

"Do you want me to make her leave?"

She blinked in surprise. "What?"

"Yeah, c'mon, I'll kick her out."

"You don't have to..."

"Wasn't about anything important, anyway." Without allowing her any more room to protest, he guided her back to his office with a hand on the small of her back. They stood in the doorway, and Amy turned around with a bored expression. "Amy, could you give us the room?"

She tried to look even more apathetic and unaffected. "Okay, whatever. Are we going to pick this up some other time, or...?"

"We'll see." He said as she brushed past him, a little closer than was necessary.

"I guess we will. See you, J." She smiled. "Donna."

Josh closed the door behind her, and lead a smiling Donna back behind his desk. "See? Easy. Now it's all yours."

She rolled her eyes, sliding back onto his desk. "Thanks. You didn't have to do that, but..."

He stood between her legs, smiling that infuriating smile. "I'm all yours too, by the way. I should mention that."

She tried to keep from melting. "I know."

"Good."

She pulled him to her for a kiss, coffee in the mess long forgotten, and was reminded suddenly of a night a few weeks ago. They were in this same position, on the night of an important reception, doing things CJ would later berate them for. She opened her eyes and gave him a look that was somewhere between suspicious and insecure. "You never... Here... With her, right?" He looked at her blankly, so she shook her head, blushing. "Forget it, I don't want to know, it's-"

"Oh, no." He realized what she meant. "Donna, no. We never... Don't worry about it."

She brightened. "Really?"

He grinned. "This desk was totally innocent until you came along."

"Glad to here it."

"You shouldn't be. You scarred her."

"Her?"

"Ships are women, my desk can't be?"

She tangled her hands in his hair. "I love you."

Dave was something else entirely.

A couple months into their relationship, Andy Wyatt had a staff reception at her house in DC to celebrate reaching their campaign contribution goal. Donna successfully wheedled Josh into going with her.

"You're still coming tonight, right?"

"Oh yeah, sure. Might go separately, a little later, I've got some work to catch up on, but-"

"Joshua!" She hissed down the phone. "No! You're coming with me."

He blinked in incredulity, trying to find someone around to express his indignation to. He was alone in his office. "Well, yeah, but-"

"If you don't come with me at eight, you're not coming at all. I know you."

"Donna."

"You promised. You promised you'd come to one of my work things, because I always go to yours, so-"

"We basically have the same work things, Donna."

"Not always! And you have so many more, and I'm always game to play arm candy, but-"

He laughed. "Arm candy? Donna, you come to all the White House events because you miss the place, and you like everyone here."

"And because you beg me!"

"I don't beg."

She affected a whiny voice that he supposed was an impression of him. "'Donna, you have to come tonight, you've gotta pull me away from Congressman Lowell when I give the signal,' 'Donna, please, I'll be so bored without you,' 'Donna, c'mon, I need to impress someone.' Need I go on?"

"Okay, okay." He relented in a grumble. "I see your point."

"Plus, everyone knows I'm seeing someone, and everyone knows that it's you, because we're apparently something of a favorite DC spectacle, so if you don't come then everyone will know that my dumb White House boyfriend had more important things to do than come with me."

"Well, I do, actually."

"Josh!"

"I'm kidding, relax. I'm on my way to your office as we speak, I'll pick you up, are you happy?"

She sighed. "Very."

The reception was pleasant enough. Donna's coworkers, like most people, loved her. Many were either familiar with Josh or intimidated by him, as his reputation on the hill preceded him. But once they'd gotten over their hero worship and/or fear, they liked him, and he made enough of an effort to appease Donna. Midway through the evening, she was quite pleased with how things were going, and let Josh know so.

"See, this isn't so bad, right?"

"Can't complain."

"Thank you for being on your best behavior."

He smiled. "I'm not a child, Donnatella."

She kissed his cheek, making his smile even wider. "Of course not."

Dave came in late.

"Dave!" The Congresswoman greeted him jovially as he bowed sheepishly in the doorway.

"Sorry. Was finishing up the press release."

"Don't apologize! Let's get this man a drink."

Dave hadn't been working for the Congresswoman for long, as he'd just joined her staff after the Senator he worked for retired after the end of his term in 2002. Still, he outranked Donna a little bit in seniority. He was a dedicated communications staffer, and had held the responsibility of acting as training wheels for Donna during her first few weeks on the job.

After getting his drink, Dave sidled over to her with a smile. "Donna."

"Dave, hi." She turned to Josh to make the proper introductions. "This is Josh. Josh, this is-"

"Dave Patterson." He extended a hand. "We've met a few times."

Josh accepted his handshake with a blank look. "Have we?" Donna elbowed him in the ribs. "I mean, of course, Dave, right."

Dave smiled and shook his head. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure you meet a lot of congressional nobodies."

"Right." Donna gave him an affronted look. "You're not a nobody." He told her.

She rolled her eyes, and Dave chuckled. "Anyway. How'd you fair during that meeting with Collins?"

Her eyes lit up. "Oh, pretty well. I think so, anyway. He agreed to the timeline we discussed."

"Of course he did. You always knock 'em dead." Dave smiled and touched her arm briefly. Josh frowned.

"Ah, well, not always."

"You're talking about the budget thing?"

"I practically melted in front of them."

"That was months ago." He said dismissively. "And it wasn't even that bad."

She scoffed.

"It wasn't! You were railing off facts like there was no tomorrow, and sure it was a little weird, but you obviously knew your stuff, and hell, it was cute. You won us some points with the whole 'good girl whigging out' bit, I swear."

She shrugged. "I'm not so sure."

"I am." He enthused. "Anyway, what are you drinking? I'll get you another."

"Um, Rusty Nail?"

He snapped his fingers. "Thought so. I'll be back."

He disappeared, leaving a silence that for Donna felt totally normal, and for Josh seemed tense and uncomfortable. "So that's Dave."

"Yeah." Donna didn't understand why he said it like that. "He's nice, right?"

Josh gave her a strange smile. "Sure, that's one word for it."

She turned to face him, noticing that his arm had crept possessively around her waist during the conversation. "What?"

"Dave wants to sleep with you."

She reeled back in shock. Heat colored her cheeks. "What? That's insane."

He shrugged. "Hey, don't worry about it. It's a guy thing, that's all. I can tell."

She blinked a few times, feeling unreasonably ashamed. "We just work together, that's all."

"Yeah, well we just worked together, Donna." She gave him a wounded look. "I don't mean..."

"He's just being nice."

He gave her that same strange smile, that meant he wanted her to think he was joking even though he wasn't. "You're being naïve."

She glared at him. "Don't call me naïve."

"Donna..."

"Listen, your 'guy thing' radar's off, because you seem to think a lot of guys in DC want to sleep with me."

He gave her a knowing look, as if to say, well, they do. "You've seen yourself, right?"

She thought she'd known the extent of Josh's jealousy. It was ego driven. It was jabs at Lloyd Russell, despite the fact that he would've gagged at the prospect of taking Mandy back. It was stealing Amy from another man. It wasn't this.

But then, it had been a little different with her from the beginning. He'd sabotaged her dates, nicknamed her boyfriends, and scared away more than a few potential suitors. She had to admit that that was a little beyond his typical egotistical pattern. But she thought all that would've stopped when they got together. He wasn't the jealous type, not really.

Of course, maybe she should've seen the signs. Maybe him calling her pathetic and lacking in self esteem in the bullpen - all because she dared to dress up for a date - should've clued her in.

He wasn't just jealous. He was downright possessive.

Her throat hurt with the threat of tears. She looked away from him. "You sound like..." She couldn't finish the thought. She couldn't bear it.

His twisted grin fell away, and he looked irreparably wounded. He turned her to face him, his eyes filled with remorse. "What, Donna?"

She shook her head, her eyes starting to water.

He grabbed her hand and gently lead her outside to Andy's terrace. He closed the door behind him and took her hands in his. "Donna. What were you going to say?"

She bit her lip, trying to keep from crying. In a whisper, she completed, "You sound like Roy."

She watched his heart break.

"I mean, you don't sound like Roy, because of course you don't, because you don't care what I wear, and you don't yell at me, and you haven't dragged me out of the party yet-"

"I'm so sorry." He interrupted. He pulled her tightly wound body into a hug, and she gratefully collapsed into his arms. "I'm so, so sorry."

A few tears escaped. "No, I'm sorry, I'm overreacting-"

"No, you're not. I was being a jackass, I'm sorry. I just... I just love you, and I'm sorry."

She didn't tell him that Roy used to say I just love you too. "It's okay."

"I'm serious."

"I know." She kept her face buried in his shoulder. "The jealous thing is cute, most of the time, and being possessive is sweet, most of the time, it's just-"

"I know." He tangled one hand in her hair and ran the other gently over her back. "I'm sorry."

There were some other things she should've said. That she didn't deserve to feel like all men wanted only one thing from her. That accepting kindness shouldn't be considered an act of naïveté, or betrayal. That she didn't want to believe men only saw value in her appearance, and treated her as such. That she didn't deserve to have her boyfriend, her best friend, reinforce that idea.

But she didn't say any of that. She left it there, and let him hold her.

Dave passed by the window with a Rusty Nail in hand, and frowned.

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Given how cold it was last night, the morning CJ and Donna embark on their second day of trekking is impossibly warm. It's actually quite pleasant, for November, but they'd dressed for worst case scenario November.

"Wanna stop here and take our jackets off?"

"Good call." Donna pants.

They pause at a slight clearing along the trail and set their packs down on the ground. Both utilize the opportunity to guzzle some water, and then take off their fleeces. Looking up from retying her boot, CJ squints at Donna's t-shirt.

"Hey, isn't that..."

Donna looks down in a panic, as if there might be a bug on her. It wouldn't be the first time. "What?"

"No, your shirt." CJ starts to regret saying anything in the first place, but Donna's still looking at her inquisitively, so she goes on. "Isn't that, you know, Josh's?"

Donna looks down at her faded, over large gray t-shirt in confusion. "What? No, it's mine." She frowns. "I've had this for..."

CJ sinks back on her heels. "Donna."

"What?"

"It has a Mets logo."

Donna raises a hand to her mouth. "Oh my god, you're right!"

"Looks like you did bring something of his for us to burn, after all." CJ tries to joke.

"I've had it for so long, it just blended into my wardrobe. I've been sleeping in it, and wearing it, and I didn't even think to-" in a wild gesture of frustration, Donna rips the offending shirt over her head. "Goddamnit!"

CJ watches her with wide eyes as she breathes heavily. "Um, Donna?"

"I hate this!" She exclaims. She looks borderline unhinged, standing without a shirt, hair messed up by the shirt's violent removal, raving into the quiet Virginia woods. "I hate this! I hate that our lives were so together, that we had a life, one life, together, that I forgot which parts are mine! I have to pick apart my entire life."

Something on her rib cage catches CJ's attention. And it's not the prominence of her ribs - though that's a little scary too. "Oh my god, Donna!"

Her expression sets off the bug alarms again. Donna twists around wildly, looking even more insane. "What, what is it? A spider?"

"You have a tattoo!"

"What?" Donna looks down at herself. "Oh, yeah."

"When did you get a tattoo?" CJ asks, bewildered. It's not as though she sees Donna in a state of undress often, but she feels like she would've known about this.

Donna gives her a sheepish look. "Three weeks ago."

CJ looks at her in horror. "Tell me it's not..."

"What?"

"Did you get an impulsive breakup tattoo?"

Donna glares at her. "No! The breakup was two months ago."

"Yeah, but..."

"And it didn't have anything to do with him!"

"Just like how this trip doesn't have anything to do with him?"

Donna sags in defeat. The t-shirt in her hand stirs idly in the wind. "Yeah, okay."

"Let me see it." CJ commands. Thus far, she's been twisting around too much for her to get a good look.

Donna obliges. She stands to the side, and moves her arm so that CJ can see the words inked there in simple script: Yet out of that I have written these songs. "It's Walt Whitman. Leaves of Grass."

"Oh." CJ squints. "What does it mean?"

"Well, he wrote it in a love poem, about unrequited love. He was saying that though it hurt, it was worth it, because out of that he'd gotten the inspiration for his poetry."

"Okay..." CJ's still nonplussed.

"For me it's about how the hard things in life make you." She looks almost embarrassed. "How some terrible things have happened to me, but out of that, I've gotten some wonderful things. I am who I am today because of it, and I don't regret anything."

"Yet out of that I have written these songs." CJ concludes. She gets it. The tattoo is about Josh, but it's not just about Josh.

"He was a huge part of my life for so long. And I could choose to hate him, to hate everything to do with him, but... A lot of great things came from that part of my life, CJ."

"Yeah."

And then they're just staring at each other, one on the ground, the other standing shirtless. They're disturbed after a minute or so by a group of three male hikers, who come through the clearing and slow down suddenly, eyes widening.

Donna smiles dryly as they stare at her. "Hey, fellas. Nice day, huh?"

They all stammer something like, "Oh, sure..."

CJ stands up, rolling her eyes. "Alright, let's keep it moving. We came to enjoy nature, not you leering."

Donna snorts as the men high tail it out of the clearing. She sighs and shrugs Josh's shirt back over her head. "Thanks, CJ."

"Anytime." She gives her a smile. "Can I just say, though? I truly resent that the guy you have an 'important part of my life,' impulsive breakup tattoo for is Josh Lyman."

Donna laughs, gathering her pack. "You and me both."

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I thought I could fit their breakup into one chapter, but it might be two? Or three? I'm so sorry.

Thanks so much for reading! I hope you all have a great weekend.