Disclaimer: I do not own AOT, I just think it's fantastic. This is just me having fun with writing, and hopefully giving you some enjoyment too. Please leave a review to help me know how it's going if you have the time. Thanks for reading!

Note: potential triggers in this chapter, nothing overtly graphic, but still, warning applied.

What a fucking mess.

Everything had been fine. Everything was going to plan. Then Jack just had to get too comfortable. Yes it was calm, yes it had thus far been an uneventful run but that didn't mean it was safe. Out there was never safe, not really. The first joke had been funny, the second one confusing, but now they were coming thick and fast. Was he trying to annoy the Captain? I watch the Captain remain unresponsive, but there was a definite air of impatience. I wondered how close Jack was to a quick boot to the face. But that was when everything went to shit.

I'd been on plenty missions but I'd never known one to turn south so damned fast.

I turned to tell Jack to put a sock in it, mainly for his own safety, when my gut turned to ice. An abnormal honed in on all fours. A sixteen meter. I called out to the left flank but they were now at too bad an angle to do anything. Jack froze. I wanted to kill him myself.

At that moment I knew, we were fucked.

Levi calls out orders to Mikasa and Jean. He shoots me a look, and I know I have to try and get the moronic Jack out of the way. I'd rather leave him to his own stupidity, but I obey both my orders and moral code. Damn bossy bastards. I turn my horse and get ready to jump. I sail through the air and land between Jack and the reins he's let slip from his fingers. I wrench them round and feel the air rush past as the teeth of the Titan bite into the bitter ground just behind us. Then there's a flash of silver as the three zip overhead. I ride back round to behind the otherwise maintained formation and twist in the saddle to slap Jack hard in the face. As soon as my own horse comes alongside, I hop back over. Jack's eyes return to the present and he looks around him with panic.

I growl. "That's it moron, wake the fuck up."

"Wha—"

"Get back into formation." I ride ahead to where the formation has regrouped.

He follows. "I'm sorry, I didn't see it. I didn't even hear it!"

"Less talking, more doing your job."

I make pace with the Captain and he nods. But we're not done. The ground rumbles like thunder. Three or four? They're lumbering at us, having been attracted by the commotion. The formation breaks as one makes a lunge. There's nothing I can do. My horse rears and I hear its leg snap as the ground ruptures beneath the Titan's foot. Well, shit. I go with instinct and fire my wire up into the fucker's neck and swing round. Dull eyes watch me, and I can't help taking note of how small I seem in their glazed reflection. I swing round to slice deep into the weak spot. Perfect.

I ride the beast down to the ground and look round to see the other three being dealt with. My horse is gone, left to be demolished by the Titan's falling corpse. Poor thing. I'll have to ride with someone else. Then comes a fresh rumble. I swallow hard and turn, facing down another sixteen metre monster. It reaches out. I flip back and begin to run, searching for something to fire a wire at but the land is open. I'm a fast runner but this fat bastard has an ever so slight advantage. His foot slams down in front of me and I tumble backwards before firing my line up onto his back and beginning my ascent. It isn't ideal, but at least I'm gaining speed.

Suddenly I see Jack swinging in, screaming his face off. "I got this Robyn!"

But he clearly doesn't.

The beasts hand is reaching for him, about to smash him senseless. Again I'm tempted to leave him to his fate, but soon enough I'm running along to the shoulder joint of the beast and slicing down. The steam bursts out at me and I cringe. The beast howls, turning to my distraction, but by the time it has I'm gone. I've fired into its neck, swung out in front of it and scooped Jack out the way. I let him fall back to the ground, just missed by the clawing hand. Lucky git. I swing all the way round and am honing in on the weak spot when I feel my wire pulled tight.

Shit.

The air is thrashed from my lungs. It drags me round to dangle over its stinking mouth. I wretch but don't give up. I wasn't about to make this bastard an easy meal. I was a prickly pear. I can hear my team's yells from below, but when they reach me their only echoes of madness. I swing and fire my wire other into its wrist so it can't drop me into its gullet, which it tries to in the next second. My spine is on fire as I'm jolted against my new wire hold. I hang there trying to see straight after the whiplash has decimated my neck. But on I go. I loosen the wire till I can get some momentum, but again the beast catches my wire before I can let it return to my gear. Escape slips from my fingers again. But as I look for another way out, a flash goes past. A feral roar echoes before my wire is suddenly cut and I plummet to the ground. My legs groan with bruising as I run, but then I stop to turn. Who saved me?

When I see for myself, I can't move.

Captain Levi swings round, and with his usual prowess goes in for the kill. But it's a bad angle. He shouldn't have gone in. Why the fuck had he even started this dumbass attack? The angle was all damned wrong. I want to call out but don't want to distract. He swings like I did but the Titan catches him in its dirty fist. This couldn't be happening. This should be me, or Jack. The beast holds the Captain as he struggles and I get ready to launch. But the Captain shoots me warning look, forbidding me to attempt a rescue. I could save him. I just need a chance to- the awful cracking of bone stalls my thoughts. The Captain's face is contorted into agony; and when the only other expression you've seen on a person's face is complete indifference, that is a terrifying sight. Blood dribbles from his lips. He grits his teeth. A final crack.

His head lolls forward.

I immediately forget that rage-filled look.

Not like this. Fuck that.

My remaining wire slices into the beast's cheek and I adjust my weight to begin the curve. This is going to hurt, but I won't let humanity lose its best soldier because of my failings. I feel my arm crack oddly as I swing out and make the incision. And by some miracle its deep enough. The beast jolts before becoming limp. It begins to fall. I fire my wire into the tings wrist, zip over, slice its fingers off and hold onto the Captain's straps as we descend.

We land in a heap.

The ground is cold, the heat radiating from the decaying beast behind and making my neck clammy. My head is against the Captain's chest, his pulse thready and breathing an unsteady wheeze. I get off and start to tremble at the sight of him being so vulnerable. My Captain. He's broken. Dark hair cast over his eyes, blood over his parted lips and seeping through his uniform in several places. I take in the image and get to work.

Soon enough the others are all around us.

"Is there any more?" I yell whilst holding a finger to his pale throat, praying for that pulse to still be there, waiting to greet me. He looked wrong being so unkempt, so dishevelled. A sign of him being human, and only now that he was dying? No. No he wasn't. I tug off his cravat and hold my hand there, there has to be a damned pulse. There fucking has to be. It was just there.

"Is he…" I look up with warning at Jack's mumbling.

"Is there anymore you cretin?"

He shakes his head and I look for confirmation from someone with capability. Mikasa confirms and I finally feel a thump. He's alive. I then start thinking of how to get the Captain back to safety. He was alive, but that didn't mean he was going to stay that way. Unless I could save him.

"Jack get the fuck off that horse and give me your extra belts."

No one questions me as I work like a machine, but my hands are shaking like crazy. This was a lot of pressure for a rookie. I wondered why no one else was trying to intervene. But then it hits me. They're prepared to die, they're prepared to see each other die, but this is different. There's always meant to be Captain Levi waiting to mop up whatever they've failed to kill. He saves the day. They may joke about hating him and even mock his attitude, cleanliness and lacking of height. But really he's their hero. This only makes my hands shake more. Shit. Adrenaline and panic are intoxicating me. But I have to move quickly. I tilt his head back to ensure he can breathe before asking Mikasa to help me bind the Captain's arms and legs into place with the belts. Whatever damage had been done to his bones would hopefully be kept to a minimum. I know next to nothing about first aid but it seems a decent attempt. At least I tried. I try not to think in past tense. This isn't over yet. I climb onto the horse and hand Eren my extra belts, telling him to strap the Captain to me. I can barely breathe but it should stop the man moving and furthering his injuries.

We hadn't brought a wagon, I didn't know why, but short of turning Jack into a human equivalent this was as good as it was going to get. The whole way back I strain to hear the laboured breathing of my Captain. Its there, wheezing and occasionally choking or groaning. But its there. Just keep breathing dammit. If there was ever a time to be a stubborn, cold-eyed asshole, this was the time Captain. Don't go and wimp out on me now.

We pass the gate. We keep riding.

We pass the town. We keep riding.

My body is screaming at me to stop and rest; my head pounds, my lungs burn and my eyes waver. But we keep riding. The base is in sight.

Come on. Don't let me fail him.

I ride the horse through the base, ignoring any protests from other cadets put on guard duty. It doesn't take them long to notice who it is I'm carrying and they immediately go quiet. I ride through the corridors and straight into the hospital. Medics unstrap us and tend to the Captain. I sag to the floor, gulping at air and pushing the fussing nurses off me. Tend to the man actually hurt over there? Y'know the one barely breathing because I failed to make my mark and kill a Titan first time round? Just bring my Captain back from the brink. Please.

"Robyn let me help you."

I turn to snap at a nurse, but find only the kind face of Eren smiling kindly down at me. I give a shaky nod and let him gently help me over to sit on a bed. He's so careful as he begins to undo my straps, I don't know why he's being so delicate, but I just strain to see what is happening with Captain Levi. But I can't see anything. Then a nurse pulls the curtain across.

My heart clenches.

Eren tries to settle me. "He's going to be okay, just stop moving."

"I'm fine."

"You're fucking not. Stay still." The harshness of his voice makes me freeze. I look down to see blood covering the left side of my uniform. What? "It's not a deep wound but I don't want you losing any more blood. I knew this wasn't his blood, saw it on you before you got strapped together on the field."

"When the hell did I get this?"

"Does it matter? Lie back or you'll pass out. Just rest a bit and let me clean you up. I'll tell you when he wakes."

"You didn't say if," I mumble as I lie back. Eren's green eyes crinkle at the corners. It didn't seem to matter how scared or panicked I felt, that smile just made me warm. He didn't say if.

"No I didn't say if. He will wake up, thanks to you. You saved his life. Now, please rest?"

I nod, but I only doze, keeping a keen ear out for any commotion. Having cleaned me up, I feel Eren take my hand. His hand is cold after he went to wash it. His thumb rubs the back of my hand and I think he lays his head on the bed. He worried way too much about these things. I sometimes had to remind myself, and him, that I was in fact older. I joined after him, but I was older by a couple years. Yet still he managed to coddle me. I smile a little, I'd have to return the favour, see how he liked it. My smile broadens. He'd hate it.

"You scared me Robyn."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, after that you just impressed me. You were stupid to go back in but… Shit… Its good you did. He's bound up and doing well. The nurse said it wasn't as bad as it looked. He's got six fractured ribs and a broken arm but he's okay. They've stopped the bleeding. You…" A yawn broke through. "You saved humanities strongest soldier. I wonder what that makes you."

"His nanny?" I mumble and he squeezes my hand. "Thanks for cleaning me up Eren. And again, sorry for scaring you."

"Everyone scares me, and you're welcome. It was barely a flesh-wound as it turns out but… I guess it hit the wrong point. How're you feeling? I reckon you lost a decent amount of blood."

"Tired, but not very sore."

"Stubborn. Still, get some sleep, its late, I'll come see you tomorrow. Jack needs calmed down, he hasn't said a word or moved much at all, since we got back. Damn idiot, but still, better go see how he's doing. Think Jean nearly killed him. See you later. Stay in that bed."

With that I bid him goodnight and he leaves after talking with the nurse. I can barely make out his voice though, everything is slipping away. Sleep takes me.

Dreams swirl around. I feel it all; the fear, the rage, the panic. Hot breath and steam, blood and sweat, screams. The Captain being raised up to those drooling jaws, his bones cracking as his face contorts in agony. There's where the dream freezes and my stomach churns. I want to run away, I want to throw up, I want to do something. But all I can do is stare. But now there's not just my panic over losing humanity it's best soldier, there's not just the rage that I'd let this happen, and there's not just the fear that I've let him down. There's something else. I can't even pinpoint what it is. A weird ache fills my chest. I've never felt it before and I can't stand it. Damn it hurts. What the fuck is this? My throat constricts as sobs rip from me. Finally the dream moves, in slow motion the Captain's head falls forward. Dead. All because I didn't do my job. I run forward, hand outstretched, but I slip and fall, he's thrown into the gaping jaws. Blood dribbles down the chin of the beast as it throws its head back and laughs. Vincent's laugh fills my mind. Useless child. Always so useless.

The ache bursts into icy needles, digging their way out from my heart.

"NO."

I sit up and stare ahead into the evening sunset through the window. Nurses nearby run over and paw at me. I brush them off and assure them I'm fine. Just a dream. They wander away, worried glances back at me occasionally. I try to ignore them and shake off the dream. So many emotions swirled in my mind. They made no sense.

I look to see how my wound is doing. It's gone. I gasp and stupidly search my stomach, like the wound was hiding. How long have I been in here? Then I realise I'm still in my uniform. It can't have been more than a couple days. Unless they'd just forgotten to change my clothes. But still, how was I healed?

"Oh good, you're awake!" The thrilled voice of Hanji fills my ears. I am mysteriously healed and Hanji is nearby. Coincidence? Not likely. I give her a knowing look. "What?"

"What did you give me? I assume this is your handiwork?"

"It's just something I've been trying out with Eren's blood." But she holds up her hands as I lean forward with anger. "He volunteered. There was little to no pain involved. Calm down. You're as bad as Shorty. Sheesh!"

"Sorry… I don't mean to judge." I swing my legs down and carefully stand up. I'm shaky at first, old bruises aching in memory, but after a few wobbles I seem generally okay. Hanji is watching, making little notes in her book. The woman never stopped experimenting. However my legs do feel like they've been in the same clothes for too long. I shift in my clothing and groan. "How long have I been here?"

"Four days."

"Four?"

"You lost a lot of blood kid, seriously."

"Okay I guess but… Ugh, why wasn't my uniform taken off?"

"Well none of the nurses wanted to go anywhere near you. You kept yelling in your sleep and thrashing around. They wanted to restrain you but…"

"You wanted to observe?" I interject as she gives the slightest of blushes. She gives a small nod. "Well I hope you got some decent 'observations' because this is fucking disgusting. I need like five showers."

"You smell fine!"

"Goody? Still feel horrible. Ugh." I shudder.

She gives a non-chalant wave of her hand. "Look on the bright side, thanks to my new serum, the wound healed a good fifty percent aster than normal. So you're welcome! You feel icky but you're not bleeding!"

"Thanks Hanji, really, well done on the treatment, but… how's…" I look across to the drawn curtain. My throat thickens. The dreams needed to stay behind my eyelids. My stomach clenches as they flash into the waking world.

She turns to follow my gaze and smiles softly. My panic dims. "He's doing well, I gave him the serum after seeing it work on you for a day. Hope you don't mind being my tester."

"It worked, so I don't mind. As long as I don't turn into a titan if I drop the soap in the shower, we're all good."

"Hopefully not?" She shrugs with a crooked smile. I roll my eyes.

"So is he healed?"

"Not quite, but it's coming along really well. Keep in mind your wound was mainly flesh level, so it's different. Go see him if you want, I just came from there. Grumpy as ever, but may be glad to see you. He was asking after you too."

"Why?" I pull on my jacket and she shrugs before heading away out the hospital.

I sniff at my clothes. I guess I wasn't moving around, so I'm not actually that bad. In that case it may well be safe to go see him, without him gagging at my hygiene. Wasn't my fault. I make my way over to the curtain and pause before drawing it back. This was my fault and it had to be made right. My hand shakes as I reached out.

"Stop dawdling, brat." His voice snaps.

"Yes, sir. Sorry." I pull back the curtain and frown as he sits on the edge of his bed, fully clothed with his arm in a sling. Hanji was a miracle worker, but he was still not back to himself. It was subtle but the shoulders weren't quite straight and his eyes were more bruised than usual. I see the pale, drawn face after the attack flash before me, the blood soaked clothes and limp body. I shudder.

"Spit it out, brat."

"S-sorry. How're you feeling, sir?"

"Like shit. Anything else? I hear you got off lightly."

"Yes, sir. I'm fine. Unfortunately you got the brunt of the attack."

"I'll live."

"Yes, sir." I say with a little too much gratitude. "Do you know how Jack is?"

"That idiot is fine." He snarls, lip slightly lifting. Though only slightly. I wonder how fast Jack can run. This almost makes me smile.

"I more meant is he snapped out of his daze?"

"He was in shock for a couple days but has been drunk since. Tch, why the hell would you care? Nearly got you killed."

"If he's better I can go slap the daylights out of him." Was that a smirk?

"See that you do, thanks to him the mission went to hell."

"And we both almost ended up Titan chow."

"That too. Fucking idiot." He mutters, eyes cast to the side as I think he imagines beating that boy to a pulp. His foot twitches.

"I'm sorry sir, I should have been better with the gear and made the cut with the first jump."

"Not my point cadet. Stop wallowing."

"Yes sir, tell me has Jack been in to see you?"

"Why would he?"

"Because—"

"Like I said, he's been drunk. But at least he's not being a self-pitying idiot."

I try to speak but look to the ground again, a blush fighting through. I can't let it go so easily, the guilt is latched onto me with claws, and I know it'll take a long time to pry it free. A long time and a lot of persuasion. But I could do better to not show it to the Captain. It obviously annoyed him. I swallow hard and push it down, I could let it out once I got to my room. I look up to reassure him of my state-of-mind but his grey eyes have been watching me. They roll.

"Tch. Look brat, I get that you're tearing yourself up over this but do me a favour and drop it." His grey eyes bore into me.

I flinch backwards. "Sir, of course, sir. Apologies."

"Plus now you have payback right?"

Again I flinch and look at him with confused eyes. What the hell did that mean? Why did I need to pay him back for? I knew he was an ass, and was hard on everyone. But he didn't seriously think we, as recruits, needed to watch him almost die in order to get an even feeling of justice? He was our Captain, he had to be hard on us. Otherwise we'd be dead. What the hell was he thinking?

When I make no response his eyes narrow a fraction and he sighs heavily. "For when I smashed up your ribcage?"

"Sir…" It's my turn to look to the heavens. That was the last thing I'd have expected. Surely that was something he saw as his duty? Probably enjoyed it at the time too. But he's just standing there watching me. "Seriously, that isn't something I consider needing payback for. You had to do something to stop me. Hell if anything you did me a favour, sir."

"I don't get you, Sanshi."

"You're not required to sir, just…" I look at him with pleading. "Just please let yourself heal? Sooner you do that, sooner I can stop irritating you with my guilt. Deal?"

"Tch. Get out."

"Sir?"

"I'll be released any minute and don't want your puppy-dog eyes watching my every move. Go get some dinner. That's an order." He adds with a click of his tongue.

I give a salute before heading out, glancing back to see him wave over the nurse in order to speed up his release. Stupid stubborn man. Amazingly enough not everyone heals as fast as Eren, even with Hanji's serum. Duh.

I leave the hospital and walk about a corridor away. But then it hits full force. I hold onto the wall with a shaky hand but I've tipped. My knees shake and I put my head in hands as guilt crushes me. Shit. That was too close. Way too close. If I had only been quicker, stronger, better. I hit my hands against my head hard, demanding an answer to why I was so fucking stupid. My skull aches and I know I should stop, this is pointless, but I keep pounding. Fucking moron. I remember it all and know all the things I did wrong, but hindsight was always clearer. The image of the Captain being held in that Titan's clumsy hand, slowly being raised to that inane grin as his bones snap and blood seeps through the immense fingers. It was way too close. All because I couldn't get away quick enough. All because they surprised us. All because Jack wasn't paying attention. Moron.

I hear the door at the end of the corridor open and carefully wipe my eyes. I hear a chuckle, a low chuckle with a rasp to it. Jack. My quivering stops. I feel like I could rip his spine straight out through his throat. If he hadn't been being such a smart-mouth and spotted the Titan then none of this would have happened.

I knew that blaming him was wrong, we all made mistakes, but the fact he'd spent his time drinking instead of checking in on the Captain? That was beyond reproach. I hoped he'd just walk by, but as we get closer I can see the smug look on his face. My temper flares. I hope I'm not about to give the Commander further reason to doubt my control. Jack isn't worth it. Still, my fingers itch.

"Evening Robyn."

I hated that he felt he could use my first name, I'd never given him permission to. He'd let me use his, but I didn't like how my name sounded when skidding over that slimy tongue. I dipped my head and made to simply walk past. Perhaps he was on his way to see the Captain finally, perhaps I had been wrong? I can only imagine the reception he'll be given if he does walk through those hospital doors. Though the Captain would probably be thankful for the efficiency, not having to carry the sorry carcass far for medical attention. I hope it fucking hurts you waste of space.

An arm reaches across my path.

He leans against the wall with a stupid grin plastered across his oily face. I can smell wine. It's rare to be so disgusted by being proven right. My stomach churns as he leans closer.

"I said, evening Robyn?"

"Evening, Jack."

"Where are you off to in such a lovely little rush?"

"To dinner. May I pass?"

"Why such a hurry?"

"I'm hungry."

"I know the feeling…" Was that really supposed to be a line? I watch his brow raise and his attempt at a wink. But he just kind of twitches his eye like his head just had a bad knock. I draw a calming breath and concentrate on my orders from my captain. Go get some dinner. That was what I was doing. I wasn't going to take this slimy git by the throat and ram him against the wall till he apologised for his moronic behaviour. No I wasn't. I was going to be good.

"Look Jack I was only asking to be polite, if I have to I'll just knock you on your ass instead. Let me pass, now."

"C'mon you don't mean that." He looms and the wine essence wafts closer, I cringe and slap his hand down before walking past. "Don't play that card, you showed your hand on the mission."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

I don't turn to speak but feel him grab my wrist. Oh god this ass was going to pay. But before he whirls me round, he trips me up, then holds me against the wall by my throat, a couple inches from the ground. Funny how I thought I'd be the one to kick his ass. But why is he doing this to me? I fucking saved him! I barely understand what just happened before he's crushing his lips onto mine. Oh god no. He forces his cold tongue into my mouth and moans desperately. This is disgusting. My skin crawls and I frenziedly push back against him. The bastard is strong, I'll give him that. I give up on brute force and bite down hard on his serpent tongue. He yelps and withdraws his face, but tightens his grip on my throat.

"Likes it rough does she? M'kay, let me oblige." He rams his knee between my legs and I grunt as the pain shoots up my spine. My pelvis is on fire and soon it's burning through my whole body. He better not have just paralysed me. My legs still work, they're still frantically kicking. Okay, no paralysis. Just several weeks of discomfort on the loo. Great. He huffs into my mouth. "C'mon you can give me more than that, let me hear you groan for me. Say my name."

A sharp ringing sounds in my ears as my breathing cuts out with his grip and my legs begin to falter in their desperate kicking. I didn't know what had gotten into this ass but I was about to jam my foot there once I got the chance. He slowly unbuttons my shirt. I now wish I smelt bad, that might've at least deterred him a little. Maybe.

"Can't-breathe-bastard…" my vision blurs and I feel his hot breath by my ear. My mind warps, merging the present with the past, but I fight it. This was no time for nightmares. This was fucking happening now.

"Just behave like a good girl."

Oh fuck this.

He's about to swoop in for another saliva fest when I jam my fingers in his eye and finally feel his grip release.

I gasp and splutter. "Go sober up you prat! Ugh… gross…"

"So first you save me, then you refuse me? You're just a fucking tease you know that?" He grabs my hair and wrenches me back, my spine arched, his stinking breath wafting against my face. "All big eyed and bending over for the Captain but when it comes to someone your own rank, nah? Fucking slut."

"Jack…" I wheeze, hearing the door far off open, he looks away for a moment. "Fuck you."

I push up, grab his hand, twist it behind his back, throw him to the floor and kick the back of his head. Blood spurts from his nose and he face-plants onto the opposite wall before falling to the ground, groaning but unconscious. I can't deny how good that feels. I'd be giddy if not for the burning throat and body. Ow. Running footsteps approach. I can't see who it is yet. I steady myself on my wobbling knees and gulp for air. Damn it, my throat burns. This was not a good week for me, or my temper. Didn't these assholes get the whole powder-keg deal? Handle with caution! Not 'hey needy pervy bastard leeches, come have a smooch.'

"Sanshi, what the hell…?" the footsteps slow. I stand up, leaning back as my lungs finally refill.

The Captain stares at me, arm in sling as he looks between me and the drooling Jack. He then looks me up and down and his jaw clenches just a fraction. What was wrong with him? The draft makes me shiver. Oh bugger. I quickly do up my shirt, it was down to my damn belly button, scars and everything on show. Of all the people to come along, the Captain was going to start thinking I was nothing more than a fucking victim.

I clear my throat and dip my head, he mirrors me and waits. "Nothing I couldn't handle sir." I sound like a chain smoker, I clear my throat inelegantly.

"Elaborate cadet. Now."

"Before I do. Can you let me go get someone else to cart this cretinous shit-stain, pardon my language, to the cells?"

"Excuse me?"

"I can't stand too close to him for much longer before turning him into a woman, sir. I really am trying to be good here, and not put him in the hospital."

I begin to back away but the Captain holds out a hand, eyes closed as he tries to comprehend what I'm saying.

"You mean to tell me he tried to vio—"

"Oh he gave it a damn good shot, but he's stinking drunk sir and didn't exactly get far." I double check that I managed to do up my buttons correctly, but when I look back up I see a flicker of rage cross the Captains face. Emotion? "Captain?"

The next thing I know he's turned round, kicked Jack onto his back and begun pounding his boot in between the rookie's legs, a pleasant crunching noise emitting with every strike. It's annoying, but my instincts send me forward to hold the Captain back.

I barely manage to do so, but plead into his ear as he growls. "Sir please, he's… Well he's definitely had enough now." The Captain shrugs me off harshly, making me stumble as he continues to growl as he looks to me with similar rage.

"Are you all right cadet?"

"I'm fine sir!" I hold up my hands and spin on the spot, the tension was very uncomfortable and the Captain did not need this kind of fuss. "If he had managed to do something we'd be having to scrape him off the floor. You know that."

The Captain wipes the sweat from his brow and nods, face back to its usual blank self.

I ignore the burning in my back. "Please, sir. Just... Come with me, and we'll get someone to come throw him in shackles."

"Don't suppose he's going anywhere." He says, spitting down at the mumbling mess. I wonder how far he'd have gone if I hadn't held him back. There was a need for violence in the Captain that I'd always heard of, but only ever seen hints of when out on mission. Having now seen a fraction of it first hand, I fully understood his reputation. I think I just saved Jack's pitiful life for a second time. What a stupid woman.

As we walk along in search of someone capable of lifting the puddle of Jack to the cells, I notice the Captain has a slight limp. Well shit, this was hardly a good start to his recovery.

I can't help but laugh. "I'm so sorry, sir, it's one thing to have to deal with danger outside the walls, but now you'll be paranoid about us all in here too. Bloody mad world."

"Tch, you apologise for the stupidest things. Fucking animal should be—"

"Sir, please, you don't need this. What you need is rest."

"Don't tell me what I need, Cadet."

"Really, it's a damn good thing he decided to take a liking to me rather than, I dunno… Someone less able to fight him off. Like that wee Sandra girl or someone else."

He huffs and shakes his head. "You've just been assaulted Cadet, and you're glad it was you instead of someone else. You're infuriating."

"At least I was able to fight the bastard off. Better that than him picking someone who couldn't. Hey!"

I run up to Jean and Connie, leaving the Captain behind to hopefully cool off. It was nice that he was protective of us all, but he really needed to remember we weren't porcelain dolls. Mind you, as soon as I explain what's happened to Jean and Connie they start pawing at me to make sure I'm fine. I push them off and remind them of the pressing issue. Asshole in need of a cell. Where this idea came from that I'm some delicate flower, I have no idea, but I make them focus and go get Jack where he needs to go. Then the Commander could deal with him.

I'm fine.

I stand alone and take note of my shaking hands. Dammit woman, not now. The Captain turns and leaves with them, glancing back at me before disappearing through the doors. I could be wrong, but I think I see disdain there in his look. Then again it's like trying to find sugar in snow with that man's expressions.

I head towards my room, determined to sleep and have this day put firmly in the past. But as the scene replays in my mind, my skin crawls. Disgusting. I run through to the showers and turn the water on scalding. I scrub till my skin is raw and eventually feel clean, almost.

With my skin tingling, I go to my room in my towel and immediately get under the sheets after locking my door. I lie there and enjoy the quiet, only my heartbeat to interrupt. I was fine, it was over, I was fine. It was by no means my first encounter, having lived on the streets since turning eight, safety had been difficult to come by. Then again it was how I learned to fight so I couldn't really complain. None of the perverts had ever succeeded so it could have easily been worse.

My muscles twinge, and I groan into my pillow, they need to let off some steam. I feel so tired, yet know I need to decimate something.

There's a knock at my door and I wait for whoever it is to state their business, I feel fine, but in no mood to socialise.

"The Commander wants to see you Sanshi, now." It's Captain Levi of course, but he does at least sound like he's calmed down. There's another knock, this time harder. "Answer me, brat."

"Sorry… I'll head down in a minute, just… Changing."

"Hurry up. I'll wait."

I roll my eyes at his babysitting and quickly change into civilian clothing. When I open the door he looks at me carefully, but remains stoic. I'm quite proud that there's no tears or panic for him to study. This time I wasn't in need of his care. I suppose he had expected me to be blubbering into my pillow. No luck mate, you aren't getting to look after me again then remind me of that every time I look at you. Eventually I'll show I'm still a soldier. Crying isn't what I need to do right now. Kicking the shit out of something is.

I only hope this isn't about to be the Commander becoming worried about my temper. That would likely tip me over the rage edge. Considering the circumstances, I acted as calmly as possible. Had I really gone for it they'd have been still searching for all Jack's bits. Surely they realise this?

I walk into the office and sit down, Captain Levi leans against the far wall. He watches me. The Captain thinks I'll downplay it. That's why he's stood there watching me. The Commander says nothing other than requesting the full story. I remind myself to stay calm. They're both probably just waiting for me to lose it. I keep eye contact with the Commander and tell him every detail, each making his blue eyes tighten as he holds the pen a bit tighter. These guys really were angry. I hoped Jack liked punishment. Seemed like the Commander's boot ached to have a go at that boys face. As I list off the things that occurred the Captain's foot twitches.

The Commander takes a deep breath. "Do you wish to press charges, Cadet Sanshi?"

"Yes, sir. Keep the pervert away from the other girls if nothing else." He nods and notes this down, I then look at my hands and notice them sitting in my lap with white knuckles. I really needed to see that punching bag. If I was going to go bezerk I'd do in privacy, on my terms.

"May I go sir? I really need to see a punching bag and imagine Jack's face on it."

"Of course Cadet. But please, if you need to, come and knock at my door any time. This isn't something I expect you to shoulder by yourself. I realise you showed extreme restraint."

"Thank you, sir. But really I think I just need to um… Pardon my language, but I just need to kick the shit out of something, having shown saint-like restraint."

"I completely understand Cadet, please, carry on. Oh and Sanshi?" I turn at the door, aware of Captain Levi still staring silently at me from the wall. "Good work in the field. The Captain was telling me that he'd be dead had you not reacted so quickly."

"I assure you he's exaggerating, but thank you, sir. Good night."

Captain Levi had said that? In fact, no, that wasn't the weirdest part. He had admitted that I saved him? I snorted. Nah. More like the Commander asked the other recruits what happened and it got confirmed between clenched teeth. The Commander was probably just trying to wind up his Captain. Short man and shorter temper. Was probably a lot of fun to wind up, if you were in a position to allow such mischievous intent?

I walk into the abandoned gym and leave the door ajar as my light source. I don't want the bright light of lanterns, just enough to see where I'm punching. I shrug off my jumper and imagine the punching bag is Jack. This would be fun. But as I do my legs wobble at the memory of his strength. Shit. I slowly draw in my breath and steady my nerves. It was only natural for a wobble. But that was it, one was all I was getting.

I kick the hell out of the punching bag hanging there, I must've been going at it half an hour straight. I smash into it again and again till my leg feels like it's going to break. I taste metal on my tongue as I pant, but don't let up for a moment. My hair comes out of its tie and falls over my face.

"Think you can use me?" Smack; dust begins to puff from a split seam. "Think I'm your play thing? Think you can throw me around? I'm not here to entertain you. No you little shit, no, I'm not yours. I'm not any ones. Y'hear? No ones!" The bag swings in a deflated mess, dust all around as it accepts defeat. I watch it slowly settle as angry tears brim my eyes and begin to fall. But I won't let it win, I won't let this win against me.

I go over to the next punch bag and start again.

"Fuck you and your threats. Another man isn't ruling my nightmares. Pathetic. Little. Weasel. Rot in hell. I hope you hit, every damn stone on the way down. You fuck up our mission, get everyone in danger and nearly get my Captian killed. You. Fucking. Moron."

I stop and hug the bag. My muscles scream. My knees sag and I fall to the ground, panting heavily. Blood drips from my hand. A chuckle rises up and I let my head hang back as the laughter bubbles tiredly out of my mouth.

I know where my mind is going. I can't stop it.

It runs full pelt through the locked doors, ripping down the chains and bars till finally I'm stood in front of that burning husk of a house. Embers fly around as I bid farewell to childhood. The smoke fills my lungs and I can barely see, but still I stand and watch. Maybe they'll come out? Maybe this is all a dream? I shudder as the past infects my mind.

"You're fucking dead Vincent and yet here you are, ruling my damned life."

I want to forget this shit. I'm sick of it.

I hop up and begin another deluge on the innocent inanimate object. Blood spatters over the bag but I keep going, a deep growl in my chest. This cycle had to end. No one had known, everything had been normal around here. And now suddenly I was turning into that pathetic little girl holding onto ashen cuddly toys. Asking her mother to get up. Asking her to wake up. Asking where she should go. I choke on sobs but keep hitting back, I keep fighting it. And there he is, stood on the other side of the burning house, watching it decay into ash. Vincent's dead eyes look at little eight year old me. He knows I survived. I ran. I turned tail and vanished into the city where he never finds me again.

"Ha, ha, you didn't like it either did you? I said no to Daddy and Daddy didn't like that. Daddy wanted to treat his big eight year old girl, time to become a real woman. But you showed me right? You gave me my other present, you sliced them up right in front of me and then left me to burn. What else did I expect? But looks now Daddy, look who's rotting in the ground. I kept my promise to my mother. I. Fucking. Did."

I stop, the bag swings limply. My throat burns. I scream out into the nothingness. It soon turns to laughter though, and I howl into the shadows.

It pours out of me in cracked whispers. I don't know why. Am I talking to his ghost? His memory? The words are bitter on my tongue, but still they flow. "S-so why is it I can't stop this anger? Did you have to give me that? I don't want to be a monster." The dark offers no answer. "I guess at least I'm a monster killing the other monsters. I'll fucking win eventually."

I give one last kick and listen to the squeaking chain.

"Cadet Sanshi."

I freeze.

You have got to be kidding me?

My heart hammers in my chest, sweat drips down my forehead and spine, whilst my knuckles seep blood. I look for somewhere to run, I wonder if I can dig straight down through the floor. It can't be that thick. No, there is no escape. He'd just chase me down and kick the shit out of me for being crazy again. My ribs ache. Finally the echo dies down and I turn to face my Captain with a straight faced salute. I was a mess, but at least I was a ferocious mess? Surely that helped.

He looks me up and down. "Tomorrow you will meet me for combat training. It's a new month long regime the commander is instating for all Cadets."

"Sir, you can't fight like tha—"

"Don't fucking interrupt me, Brat. I'll be verbally instructing you."

"Yes, sir."

"Now go get cleaned up, you look disgusting."

"Obviously, sir."