Save the Writer!

by Der Blaue Wolf

When the story's writer is kidnapped by nefarious Yaoi fangirls, Miku and co. set out to save him before all of his stories are corrupted into yaoi and Kaito has to *censored* Len. Madness and hilarity ensue, of course. A parody of all things FanFiction, on the internet, and of stories in general. Rewrite of part 1 of the 'Adventures of the Writer.'

4. Ch3

Save the Writer, Ch3

In the depths of the less fashionable areas of the internet, two of our heroes (well one a heroine) venture forth, in search of the Key of XXX.

Kaito: "Why XXX? I mean, it's a stupid name."

Meiko: "'Cause if it had any other name, we'd have to censor it."

Kaito: "Anyway, so where are we?"

Meiko: "Well according to the web address, we're at *censored*.hentai.*censored*.

Kaito: "So we're on the right track?"

Meiko: "Given the copious images all around us of *censored*... I'd say yes"

Kaito: "Is this entire chapter going to be about things which are censored?"

*Censored*: Appearing out of nowhere, "Yes."

Kaito: "Who are you?"

*Censored*: "Oh, just another denizen of this site."

Kaito: "Funny, your voice sounds kinda familiar."

*Censored*: "You must be thinking of someone else. Up until this point, I haven't appeared in this story."

Kaito: "Maybe you're right..."

*Censored*: Muttering to himself, "Phew... they didn't notice..."

Meiko: "Hey, I don't suppose you know where the Key of XXX is?"

*Censored*: "Oh yeah, you see that building over there, the really tall one, with a big capital 'H' on it? It's in there, just go in and ask for it."

Kaito: "It's that easy? No way are we able to waltz in there and take it just like that."

*Censored*: "Well... it might be a struggle to ask... given who's in there." Walks off.

Kaito: "O~kay, that was weird. Well let's go."

The pair approached the building, a huge skyscraper, with 'MIH' above the door in large gold letters. They reached the doors, and they opened before them, to reveal...

Kaito: "WHY THE HELL IS THERE A MASSIVE ORGY IN HERE?"

Meiko: "This 'is' the centre of an H-site."

To describe the events in detail would grant this fic an M rating in seconds. So, to keep it clean, we will skirt over the mass of writhing bodies, carefully pixelated by our graphics team (and this really 'is'a graphic scene), to the one person not engaging in any of the 'acts' of the others. This man sat at the top of a flight of stairs, like a king surveying his court on a golden throne. He wore bright red shirt, trousers and hat, with a black waistcoat and tie, and a pair of yellow-tinted sunglasses. Coming out of his shirt pocket was a golden watch-chain.

Kaito: Carefully avoiding the group on the floor, approaches the solitary figure, "Uh... excuse me, but what is this place?"

Figure: "This is my domain, MIH: Military Intelligence, division: Hentai. May I introduce myself? I am lord supreme pimp, Illuminati_47, The Bitch King. But you can call me Lumi.

Kaito: "Er... okay... um... We were wondering if we could, possibly, have the key of XXX?"

Lumi: "Oh, you must be the ones from Wolfie's story-zone."

Meiko: "How did you know?"

Lumi: "Wolfie and I are good friends: when he wants a bitch broken, he sends her to me, to do as I like with."

Kaito: "Er... is it just me, or is there something seriously wrong with you?"

Lumi: "There's something wrong with both of us."

Kaito: "Right, just checking."

Lumi: "Anyway, with regards to the key, I'll help you get it, as I can't have those yaoi fangirls gaining any power. My people have been warring with them for years. While I'm all for a fair share of all interests, the proportion of yaoi those girls want is far too high."

Kaito: "Is your only priority your porn?"

Lumi: "You're in an H-site, and you bother asking me that?"

Kaito: "A-anyway, where is the key?"

Lumi: "At the top of this tower."

Meiko: "So we just have to go up and grab it? I assume you have a lift."

Lumi: "Well... yes we do..."

Meiko: "Ah there it is!" Walks towards it.

Lumi: "Don't open that!"

Meiko: Presses the open door button on the lift. The doors slide open to reveal... "AH! TENTACLES!"

A great tentacle beast pulls itself out of the lift, tentacles poised ready to defile any it can reach. Fortunately for Meiko's virginity (haha, great joke there), Lumi jumps into action.

Lumi: "HEY! How many times have I told you, tentacles are to stay on the fifth floor! You are NOT to come down here unless you have special permission."

The tentacle monster turns all its tendrils to face Lumi, then creeps back into the lift, and presses the '5' button.

Meiko: "O...kay... Maybe we should take the stairs..."

Kaito: "Yeah... I wonder how the others are getting on."

Wolfie: Out of nowhere, "SCENE CHANGE!"

Derrick: "STOP IT!"

---

Somewhere still in the lands of fanfiction, Luka and Miku walk determined. Well, Miku is determined, Luka is wondering where the hell they are going.

Luka: "Miku, I was wondering, as everyone reading may have gathered, where the hell are we going?"

Miku: "Oh, well before we go fight the trolls, I want to pick something up."

Luka: "What?"

Miku: "You'll see."

The pair approach a massive building. It is a giant futuristic fortress, towering over them.

Luka: "What is this?

Miku: "It's the place Wolfie made for me in case of an emergency. Inside is a null-fic area, protecting anything in it from any direct effects of a writer, including Wolfie. It's a bastion, created to enable me to protect myself from any of Wolfie's enemies who seize his laptop. It even includes a negi-dispencer."

Luka: "Right... that sounds highly protective... and a little creepy."

Miku: "Oh~ you think so. I think it's just 'cause he cares, like why he's got those posters of me, and he even has a negi phone-strap."

Luka: "Okay, that's just downright obsessive and strange."

Miku: Looking slightly put-out, "It's just because he loves me..."

Luka: Sighing, "Still, you have to admit, it's a little strange."

Miku: "We~ll, maybe a little. But with that Kaito out to get me, it's not surprising that he's rather protective."

Luka: "Have it your way."

Miku: "Anyway, it's not like you and Gakupo aren't a little like that."

Luka: Blushing, "W-well..."

Cut to a scene of Luka staring into Gakupo's bedroom, which is filled with Luka-related merchandise.

Gakupo: In the room, staring at Luka in shock "It... It's not what it looks like!"

Luka: Blushing deeply, and looking sweetly at Gakupo, "Oh... Gakkun..."

Gakupo: "Er... Luka?"

Cut back.

Luka: "Okay... you may, possibly, have a point."

The two enter the building, and walk through the futuristic, space-ship type, metal-plated corridors, until they reach a large metal door. Miku enters a code into a lock, and it opens, to reveal a large room, full of flashing lights and monitors: the perfect place to observe the outside. And sitting on a chair in the centre is...

Luka: "You?"

Miku: "Oh god... I don't believe this..."

Misty, (Wolfie's personal pain-in-the-backside and best friend): "Ah, Miku. I'm sorry to hear about Wolfie. Although, being surrounded by all that yaoi might finally pull him out of the closet."

Miku: "First: why are you here? Second: how did you get into, supposedly, the most secure location in fanfiction? Third: why are you implying my husubandu is gay?"

Misty: "I'm here because Wolfie will want me to help you guys, I got in because Wolfie set things up so that I could in an emergency, which this qualifies as, and I'm implying that Wolfie is 'bisexual' because it annoys you, and him, so much."

Miku: "Okay then, so how are you planning to help?"

Misty: "Well, by hopping between the three storylines at random intervals and helping you guys out however you need. Much as we like not to give the impression, Wolfie and I do actually care a little about each other's well-being."

Miku: "So, what help are you giving us?"

Misty: "Ah, well I assume you know about the secret, extremely OP and highly plot-relevant weapon, which we haven't mentioned until now, that Wolfie told you to use only in an emergency."

Miku: "No, actually, I just came here to kill time. Of course I frigging do!"

Misty: "Well here it is, or should I say, they are." Chucks a bag at Miku.

Miku: "What is this?" Sticks her hand in the bag, and pulls out a futuristic-looking bracelet, of grey metal with a glowing pulse of bluish green running through the middle, moving along a black screen.

Luka: "There's one for me too, only it's pink..."

Miku: "And a pair of yellow one, a blue one and a red one... so I guess we put them on?"

Misty: "You guess correctly, but only one, and only your own."

Miku: "Right, that makes sense... but how're the twins supposed to tell theirs apart?"

Misty: Scratches his head, "Wolfie didn't explain that... we'll probably just pass over that little detail later."

Miku: "Oh well." Puts the bracelet on, "Now what?"

Misty: "Sing, apparently."

Miku: "But which song? Wolfie's favourite?" Begins singing 'World is Mine.'

The bracelet glows brightly, but then dims.

Miku: "That felt like it was going to work..."

Misty: "Ah, well, your weapon isn't quite complete yet, due to you not being far enough through the plot... I mean because the handwavium parts need time to synchronise with your particular lampshade-signature."

Miku: "What the flying f*** are you talking about?"

Misty: "Oh, just some technobabble, to confuse the readers into not asking for an explanation."

Miku: "Okay, anyway... So... weapons... hm... I got it!" Stands back from the other two, "Black Rock Shooter... Wherever did you go?"

A green light engulfs the trio.

---

Wolfie: "A~nd chapter end, on a cliffhanger of sorts."

Derrick: "Oh for f***'s sake, how can you still be in control?"

Wolfie: "Because I can."

Bis Bald

BW