Chapter Four: Butterflies and Daffodils

I pushed the salad I ordered around on the plate, picking out the chicken and the tomatoes first. I have no idea where that habit was born from, I have simply always done it. I tried to appear as if I were focused on my salad and not on my lunch partner, but I kept stealing furtive little glances as I could. Most of our lunch conversation had been nil. It was difficult for us to find something in common outside of what we did for a living, and since that was bound to erupt into a massive argument, neither of us said anything.

We had already talked about law school. It turned out that both of us had attended Harvard, her two years after I graduated. I learned that she had paid for her own schooling from the time she graduated high school. I had paid for none of mine. I did not want to discuss matters relating to my family's wealth, and I think she was embarrassed about topics surrounding her own near poverty growing up. I could see the vast social class difference between us in the way she sat down at the table. She may have been taught manners by her parents, but she was not taught etiquette. Neither of us were inclined to discuss our respective childhoods which left us with little choice but to turn to our adulthoods for topics of interest.

We had stalemated on that point. I liked culture and arts. She liked sports and being active. I told her she should hang out with Olivia more, not me. But, then, the female detective was her own kind of special. She could fall in easily with my arts and culture and high class values just as easily as she could with Casey's sports and hiking and the male detective's fist bumping, high fiving, and crude language. Some days, I wished she offered courses.

"Can I ask you a question?" I finally asked as I swallowed a cherry tomato.

She smiled at her sandwich. "You did."

I scoffed and shook my head. Casey baffled me. "Seriously, Novak."

"Alright. This is one of those questions I might not like, isn't it?" she set her Panini back down on the plate and gave me the full focus of her attention. That made me more uncomfortable than I might have liked.

Biting the inside of my cheek, I shrugged. "I promised you I'd be civil. Do you not trust me?" I asked.

"Is that your question?" Normally, I would have taken a remark like that to be insincere, but with her, I could tell it wasn't. She was giving me that lost kitten look again. Her green, green eyes shining through with an intellect that just begged to be given a chance, a fair and fighting chance. And, I may have been giving her a chance, but I sincerely wondered if it was a fair one. Marla had accused me of shutting avenues off to Casey that Abbie had made available to me. Was I doing that? I did not know.

"No," I answered. "But, would you answer all the same?"

"No," she said.

I furrowed my brow at her. "No, you won't answer. Or, no, you don't trust me."

"I don't trust you, Alex," Casey said. "And, that disturbs me."

Shrugging, I pushed the lettuce around my plate one last time before I set my fork down. "I haven't given you reason to trust me. In fact, I haven't really given you reason to want to interact with me, let alone on your day off. So, why do you keep trying?"

"Ah," she said, a small smile coming over her lips. "Because I'm not as stupid as you think I am. I told you last week that I heard stories about you. But, it wasn't just the stories I heard, it was the way people told them. People who care about you, who believe you to be a good person. And, I've met these people, Alex. They are some pretty judgmental, hard to please people. I had my share of difficulties with them before we came to know each other. And, I'm not easy. I do things my own way even if it pisses everyone else off."

"I heard you subpoenaed Donald Rumsfeld," I said with a bit of a smile. "That was pretty ballsy."

She shrugged. "I got into prosecution wanting to change things. I had no idea what I wanted to change, but I thought it was the system. Turns out, that's not quite true, and the more I saw in sex crimes, the more I realized that it was society's perception that I wanted to change. And, I don't know what you want to change, but you were assigned Special Victims, so story goes, to clean up their act. You did that and then some. You wouldn't have stayed unless you wanted to. At least, that's the perception I have of you from what I've observed and been told."

I nodded. "This is true. I found my niche."

"And, you don't like to share what's yours."

"Okay, now you make me sound like a spoiled rich kid." She smiled, laughter just shy of her lips. "Casey, I didn't mean it like that."

"I know," she assured me. "I just think it's funny. But, it's true. You don't like to share what's yours. I'm the middle child of seven. Nothing was ever really mine growing up. They were all hand me downs from my older siblings destined to go on to my younger. I'm just better at sharing a niche with someone else. But, I like to think I found a place there, too. I just broke it. And, I get that I have to earn it back. I get that I have to somehow convince you to share your toys. And, I'm okay with that."

She paused, really regarding me. I almost asked her what she was looking at, but I didn't. "Under all of this, Alex, everything you project, your anger, your cruelties, you're just as vulnerable as I am. Why? Because if someone like me can get so wrapped up in sex crimes, someone who was with the squad longer, that she stops caring about the law, how long will it take for you to fall from grace, too? Isn't that why you keep running? You leave and then come back. And, I think it's because you're afraid that you can't tell where that edge is. I couldn't. And, I walked right off it. And, I will spend the rest of my career wondering just how close I am to that same ledge. Too much one direction, and I might go down again. But, it's not just you falling off the ledge that you're worried about. You think if I fall, you'll go, too, so you're doubly at risk. And, you have a lot more to lose than I do."

"What do you mean?" I asked her, more than a little stunned at how easily Casey seemed to read me. She got under my skin in more ways than one, and I could not help but feel cautious now that I was beginning to see the kinds of talents she had.

She shrugged. "Jack may be grooming Addison to be the DA elect after his term limits, but they're both grooming you to be Addison's Chief ADA. Everyone knows it." I licked my lips. They were. I knew it, too, even though no one had officially said anything. Nor would they for about another year. I just had not realized that everyone knew it. "But, a poor reflection of SVU is a poor reflection on you. You were the original task master to clean it up. You came back to fix it again. If you can't keep me on the straight and narrow, how will you keep an office there? I'm a liability to you and your political future. No matter the other reasons you come up with as to why you don't like me, none of them satisfy you. In any of our arguments, you've never seemed wholly convinced of what you tell me when you tell me why I'm such a burden. Am I so terribly off center now?"

We had said we would not talk about work, but I had told Olivia that I felt like all I was was SVU. It seemed inevitable to track back to work. "I may have sorely underestimated you, Casey," I said, my voice hushed. "I'll give you that."

"I have no political aspirations of my own, Alex, but let me work for yours. I asked you to teach me to be sufficient enough to satisfy you. You've stalled at that."

"What are you suggesting, then?"

She licked her lips. "Give me back my docket," she said. "Give me back my own reins. Share your toys. Help me when I ask for it. Put me in my place when I'm out of line. You're my supervisor. My successes reflect back on you. If you can manage me, you'd rise back up. You fell out of homicide. So, make a stand here."

"You would just work for me, nothing in return?" I asked, skeptical. Everyone always wanted something, even if they didn't think they were politicians.

Casey shook her head. I knew it. "I do want something in return," she said.

I raised my brow and looked her over. "What?" I asked.

"Once a week, I want you to go with me somewhere. It can be anywhere and anything. But, it cannot relate to our office, our jobs, or your political career."

I tried to read her face, to see what her real motives were in such a strange request, but I could not read her to save my life. "Before I accept, answer me one thing."

"Okay," she agreed with a head nod.

"Is there anything about you that I may or may not find out that, if someone did find out, would inherently damage either your career or mine?"

She shook her head.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Alright, then, it's a deal. You get your docket back. You handle them however you see fit. But, if it seems wrong or out of line to me, I'll step in. If you get reckless or your pleas don't make sense, I'm stepping in."

"And, in return, once a week, you let me take your mind off work."

"A friendship through a business transaction?" I asked, aware of how amusing that sounded.

"A business transaction. You don't have to befriend me, Alex. You have enough friends, and so do I." Casey shook her head. "I just think you'll be a lot nicer if you aren't consumed with work."

I nodded. "I'm your project."

Casey shrugged. "Maybe I'm just dying to find out what it is everyone else sees in you." I opened my mouth, then closed it again. "Or, maybe I just think you're interesting."

"Useful," I corrected. "You're a pretty damn convincing politician for someone without political interests, Casey."

Shaking her head, she laughed at me. "No, Alex. I use word choice for a living. I picked the right word."

"I don't think I'll ever understand you," I said with a sigh. "You'll have your docket reassigned to you tomorrow morning. I'll leave the files on your desk with any updates. Let me know if you have questions."

She nodded. I reached into my purse for my wallet, but she stopped me, holding her hand out. If her arm were long enough, I think she would have physically stopped me from grabbing my wallet. "I invited you to lunch, Alex."

I raised my brow at her. "Alright."

"Good. Wednesday night," she said, "plan on going to the zoo after work."

"Okay," I said, my brow furrowed.

"Don't back out of a deal now, Alex," she said. "I never would have thought you for that."

"I'm not," I replied. "Don't I get to pick the location?"

"Next week. I promise. This week, the zoo."

Nodding my consent, I left the restaurant, my mind abuzz with what had just happened. I was pretty sure that Casey had put me in my place in the most diplomatic way possible which meant I really had not been giving her enough credit. Or, I had been giving her just enough when I called her a snake. The thing was, I didn't think snakes were evil. That was a religious thing, and I was raised atheist. Nevertheless, snakes made great diplomats. I knew many.

Outside, I felt for a second as though someone were watching me. I turned quickly to look back, through the window of the restaurant, but Casey was talking to our waiter. I doubted she had been watching me.

Shaking it off as my over active imagination, I headed back to the subway to go home. What I was going to do with myself the rest of the day, I did not know. Although, the library was a tempting thought. I used to spend my free time there as a child. And, I had a lot of free time as a child. My parents were seldom home which meant that once my homework was complete, it was up to my nanny to entertain me. And, she had done that by getting me more books.

My nickname in college had been Belle. Beauty and the Beast had come out the same year I graduated high school, and my apparent obsession with reading to the exclusion of a social life had garnished me such a nickname. It followed me through law school, but had been changed to Ice Princess while I was in misdo court and Ice Queen once I made felony docket.

It turned out, my promotion had come with a change of ranks. But, I earned and kept my nicknames. All three of them. I changed route and headed to the library. My apartment was filled with books. I had read them all. Most of them more than twice. The librarians all knew me by name.

I slipped in to the library mostly unnoticed. Even the security guard was busy giving a tourist directions when I walked in. It was too easy to lose myself until ten o'clock that night in a jungle of words. I brushed up on some of the topics that I really did not study much beyond the basics covered in my undergraduate years of college. I retained nothing of what I read, but it helped me to clear the clutter in my brain. And, I desperately needed that.

True to my word, on Monday, all of Casey's files were back on her desk complete with my notes and suggestions. I let Jack and all of the detectives know. To my surprise, Jack did not question my motives or scold me for my behavior over the month prior. The detectives were a little more perplexed, and they let me know about it. I did not offer them an explanation of any sort other than the fact that I thought it was time she handle her cases herself again. I left them shy on details because I was shy on them myself. Other than the fact that it had been a business transaction, I really was not sure on the motives of either Casey for offering it or myself for accepting.

There was a chocolate bar on my desk when I got back from court, taped to a note that simply said 'thank you.' I decided it was strange, her behavior, because in talking with Olivia, Fin, and John, Casey's demeanor towards them had been filled with anger. Towards me, it had been with fear and hesitation as well as this challenge, like she was trying to prove something to me. So, I had no idea what it meant now that we had reached a truce of sorts.

Apparently, it meant a chocolate bar on my desk because I had finally stopped acting childish. I thought it was weird to be rewarded for not being an asshole. I folded the note around the chocolate bar and stashed it in my desk. I had this feeling that I would want it later.

With no cases of my own that afternoon, but Casey in a motions hearing, picking up where I had left off, I opted to head over to the court house. I grabbed my coat and walked out of my office, almost running into Marla on the way. "I see Casey's in court," she said, a small smile on her face. "Good for you, Alex."

"Yea," I mumbled. "Thanks for making me feel like a toddler sharing my toys."

"That's exactly what you are sometimes, Alexandra. I just call 'em like I see 'em." She laughed at me before handing me a file. "If you're going over there to supervise, can you take these to her? She left them on the printer. They're for the hearing today."

I sighed. "Marla, if she doesn't have this kind of stuff for a motions hearing, what is she going to forget in a trial?"

"They're on the drive, Alex. If she needs them, she can print them out again at the court house. Don't you start with that." And, my secretary knew me too well. "Besides, how do you know they're not coloring pages?"

I narrowed my eyes at her. "Really?"

She shrugged. "Guess you could always open the file and see what she left."

Frowning, I took the file from Marla and walked towards the stairs. She was right. I could be nosy. But, did I want to be? Hadn't Casey asked me to trust her? No. I supposed that she technically hadn't asked. I had asked her. Still, it was not something I had earned. I did not require others to trust me. Only to get me what I wanted. I was willing to pay a variety of prices, including trading vague favors with high class, high power figures. Nevertheless, having Casey's trust might have made for a better working relationship, and it was not lost on me that I thought a part of her wanted to be able to trust me.

Seven siblings, though. Trust was probably a big factor for her. I remembered the strange look she had given me when she told me that she didn't trust me. As I walked the block to the court house, I considered it. I could give her the file and act like I didn't know what was in there, act like I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But, that would be lying. Or, I could look and let her know that it either was or was not a big deal that she forgot these things. That would start an argument. Or, I could not look, hold my breath, and hope everything still went smoothly. At worst, she would be apologizing for wasting the judge's time. It wasn't like it was a case dismissing issue. I hoped.

But then, there was still the matter of the Brady violation. That had been intentional, though. Exhaling slowly, I bypassed security with my DA badge and headed up to the court room. I slipped in as quietly as I could and sat behind the prosecutor's table in the closest pew. Leaning over the barrier, I set the file on the desk beside her. "Marla said you left these on the printer," I whispered.

She opened the folder, shook her head, and leaned back. "Alex, I'm confused." I furrowed my brow. "What is it?"

"I don't know. Marla didn't say. She just asked me to bring it."

Casey handed me the folder. I flipped through the pages. All ten pages were blank.

"You didn't forget to bring anything over?" I asked.

She shook her head. "Nope." Casey stood, addressing the court in a smooth, fluid motion. "Your Honor, that's the People's point precisely. The defense cannot possibly-"

I tuned her out. I was still listening, but not actively. If she got stuck, I would know enough to know where she was and maybe help her out, but I could not help but think of our secretary at her desk having her own private little laugh.

When I clued back in, Casey and defense counsel Todd Histern were still going back and forth about child testimony in this case. Generally speaking, five was too young to testify. That was not always the case, and that was the point my red haired co-counselor was trying to make. Not only had the court ruled previously in favor of allowing such a young child to testify, there were established question and answer games to determine whether or not the child knew the difference between a truth and a lie.

I watched her do her little song and dance. She did not have the same snappy, angry disposition I had that had earned me my nickname, but in some ways, she was equally ruthless. I gave her a quick, reassuring smile when she turned and glanced back at me, apparently surprised to find me still there. She smiled softly, her green eyes going soft. Right before she turned back around, though, I saw a hard film form over them that I had not seen either in the office or when she sat beside me for a month on all of my cases. But, then, I hadn't really looked at her.

The judge made her rulings on the motions, and I jotted down a few notes for Casey like I promised I would. It wasn't much, just a couple of little things. Really, it was more just to have something for her. She was still nervous. Maybe me being there did that, I didn't know. But, her nerves showed, and if there was a weakness, it was a safe bet that another attorney would exploit it.

Casey sat beside me in the empty court room, the file on her lap. Her lower lip was drawn between her teeth in that way that she held it, that secretive way, like she was thinking something she would never say.

Carefully, I tore the paper I had been writing on off the pad and handed it to her. "Just some notes. I'm sure you don't need them."

She glanced down, reading them over. "Actually, they're helpful," she murmured. "I feel like I'm starting all over again, that I should know things that I find myself questioning. I'm overly cautious, and that's just as dangerous as its opposite."

"Yes," I agreed. "It takes time to get over it, though, Casey. And, I don't know that you ever really do. Whatever it is that makes you nervous, makes you hesitate despite years of confidence, that can cripple you if you let it. I made mistakes in homicide, not just with the office, but in my personal life. I made stupid mistakes, some that didn't affect the cases I worked but still affected me. And, I made calls about cases that I shouldn't have. I was angry, and I was out of control. That's why I went to appeals court. I got out of the city without leaving what I knew."

"You're still a very angry woman, Alex Cabot," Casey said.

"And, you're a mystery. Can't change who we are, I suppose."

She just smiled, her hands in her lap, lip tucked between her teeth. "I hope you're not always angry. I want – if I'm taking you to the zoo on Wednesday, you need to not scare the tigers."

I laughed. "Gee, thanks, Novak."

"I have to be in Enquist's division in ten minutes. You observing there, too?" she asked me as she stood, grabbing her little cart. I shook my head. "Why not?"

"You think I need to?" I asked.

Casey opened her mouth and then closed it again. "You're still terrified I'm going to take us both down. Why would you ask that?"

"If you don't want me there but know you need someone, then you're setting yourself up for failure, and we'll both be reassigned. If you don't want me there and don't need anyone, then neither of us are going anywhere. If you don't need me there but want me, then you're wasting my time," I said.

"What if I both need and want you there?" she asked me, cocking her head to the side as she regarded me. I was on the fence about her. Yes, there was something about her that I wanted to find out more about. I liked understanding others; even if I could not, I liked to try. At the same time, something about her grated against me. I thought that it might have been the fact that she treated me differently than she did others when I observed her. I didn't know why, and that made me suspicious.

"Then, you should probably find a different career," I said. "I'll see you back at the office."

I waited until she had left before standing and leaving as well. I think it was just beginning to dawn on me that afternoon just how much trouble I was in for.