Emotionless 4. Hope you like it.

Chapter 4.

_Are you going to tell her?

Jean's thoughts were distracted by the sudden question. Taking his eyes off the source of his daydreaming, he turned to Alastor's empty features. Blinking, Kirschtein frowned.

_Tell whom what?

_Mikasa. Are you going to tell her how you feel? -the other insisted; Bane's eyebrow rose when Jean fidgeted uncomfortably and sighed.

_Is it that obvious?

_You've learnt to control yourself more -Bane admitted- but you still let your gaze linger more than usual on her. Plus your right hand begins to shake, and you wet your lips every few seconds.

_Wha... have you been checking on me? -he mumbled apalled. Marco put his spoon down and covered his smirk with a hand.

_It's kind of interesting. I've always been intrigued by romantic behaviour. Unlike other emotions, its quirks and variations seem infinite. Not two beings express themselves the same way.

_You're fucking creepy. -Jean pointed in a hushed tone.

_I'm learning. Are you going to tell her?

_Why do you care? -he whispered harhsly. After all, he didn't wish to make a scene during dinner. Well, not another scene since he and Jaeger had a good deal of fighting before.

_To be honest it is becoming kind of boring to witness your infatuation on a daily basis. Why don't you say something to her?

_Like what?

_Try telling her how you feel. -Marco piped in, before taking a spoonfull of soup. He swallowed and continued- I mean, i guess she'll listen to you. She's not a mean person.

_That's not the point! -Jean hissed- The problem is she'll say no, and i'll feel like shit!

_If you know that already why do you insist? -Alastor said in a monotonous tone- Why prolong your own suffering on a completely assured rejection?

_Because she's the girl of my dreams -Jean sighed, his chin resting on his hand as his eyes wandered towards Mikasa once more-. She's strong and beautiful and honest and...

_Okay, i get it. -Bane rolled his eyes- But how do you know she'll say no?

_Do you really need to ask? -the other growled in a low tone, fixing his gaze in the green eyed teen. Eren saw this and flipped the bird towards him, then waved towards Bane.

_Eren. -Alastor said as he waved back. He then looked at Jean- If you want to get close to her, you better get along with him.

_I'd rather tongue kiss Shadis. -Marco snorted- Shut up you! Besides... -Jean trailed off, sighing in frustration.

_I think you should try. You won't be sure otherwise.

_But what if she says no? -Alastor shrugged.

_What happens after that is up to you. You can give up. Or wait for another ocassion. The thing is, if you keep waiting, someone else may get her.

_Yeah, as if. Who can possibly try that? She's almost as scary as Annie... but in a kind of sexy way. Not to mention you have to surpass her "Eren devotion" complex.

Alastor opened his mouth to reply but made no comment. Instead he dropped the matter and resumed his dinner. Unknown to the other two, his mind wandered to a fascinating -to him at least- conversation.

A week before, afternoon.

_Are you going to tell him?

Mikasa turned to see Alastor looking at her with a raised eyebrow. It was one of the few facial gestures he had. Now it meant "mild curiosity" from what she'd learnt from Eren's and Armin's comments about their observations on his behaviour.

_Tell whom what?

_Eren. -Bane saw with a faint sense of satisfaction how she opened her eyes slightly more, a signal of either confusion or nervousness- Will you tell him how you feel? How you truly feel? -The girl looked down, rubbing the tips of her left index and thumb, and sighed.

_Is it that obvious?

_I can't say for the rest -Alastor answered with a shrug- but to me is kind of... clear that your attentions to him sometimes seem to border the line between brethren and couples. Awkward couples. -he added to her dismay.

Mikasa blinked a few times, trying in vain to find a sign of ill intention or mischief on is features but his face was as stoic as ever. She slumped a bit and looked him in the eye.

_Please keep it a secret. Eren... he doesn't need to worry about this. Not to mention what others would say.

_I will. But that doesn't mean others won't talk. Sooner or later, they may realize. Or at least they'll begin to wonder; then to talk. And rumours alone can be devastating. -Mikasa took a deep breath before looking at Alastor with curiosity.

_Why do you care? It's not like you're friends with Eren.

_He may be, along with Armin and maybe Jean, the closest thing i have to a friend. -Bane's eyes suddenly turned harsh, a stern gaze directed right at the girl- But i do care about my other comrades well being nonetheless. And your constant attention and aid to him are slowing his progress, as well as yours.

_Slowing? How?

_Your constant protection and insistance on helping him every step, even when it seems he can't do it alone are mining his confidence. Other than the first flunked attemtps on maneuvering as almost everyone, you've helped him so much that he has barely experienced defeat. If he can't face failure by himself, he won't be able to take the burden of joining a group as prone to tragedy as the Corps.

Mikasa's eyes widened at his explanation. Bane's words weren't said in a hard or accusing tone, yet they hit her with strength; she knew his analytical behaviour, and pretty much everytime he gave an opinion it was based on solid arguments and accurate observations.

_I only try to help him.

_But now you begin to smother him. He has been trying harder than usual at 3DMG manouvers. I suspect it's due to his need of proving to you, to everyone else and most importantly to himself that he can achieve success without aid. His boost since the time he managed to use damaged gear is gone. His answer to this confidence issue is pushing forward as he always does. But he's doubting. And doubts in excercises with gear lead to accidents... -he narrowed his eyes- or worse.

The asian looked down, visibly disturbed by his speech; if he was right, and she had only been endangering Eren all along... Alastor then took a deep breath and continued, his voice bringing her out of her thoughts.

_And then it's your issue. Aiding Eren has begun to take its toll in your skills. Spending your time and energy on him means you have less of either to invest on your achievements. Your performance, while still worlds ahead of most people, has slowly started to decline. It's hard to notice, but you move a bit slower, hit a bit weaker and so on. You need to stop focusing on him all time. Let him take risks, so he can grow wiser. Let him fight, so he can find his strengths and shield his weaknesses. Let him fail, for only then he'll find out how high he can rise. You said once you believed in him. It's time for you to prove it.

Mikasa stood silent for several moments. She waited, looking at him with new eyes. Never had Alastor sounded more convincing, or expressed that degree of concern for others outside any aid to injured cadets during training. She wondered what he saw in his mind every time he looked at people with those dark but empty eyes.

_Then... then why do you care about my... my feelings for him? If you say i bother him, wouldn't it be better to leave that matter aside?

_Only if you can stop glueing yourself to his ass. -he replied, making her look aside in embarrasment- But even then, those thoughts will slow you down. For some reason, unsaid and undone things, while not real, are the heaviest burden upon anyone's shoulders. I've seen it before.

_What do you mean?

_When i entered wall Rose -Bane said, looking at the sunset as his mind went back to those chaotic days- i stayed with a group of people who had been away from their homes when everything began, and had been sent to the inner wall by the soldiers. All of them had families. And in the next days, all of them whispered their regret on not doing more for them. On not being there for them. On not saying they loved them, not showing that they cared more often. And the thoughts crushed some of them past the point of no return. They commited suicide out of despair and guilt. I know you wouldn't go to such extremes -he cleared as he turned to a pale Mikasa- but also know that you'll regret not saying it to him... because if he joins the Corps, there's no telling on how long he'll live.

The girl felt her heart beat faster, a heavy knot lying where her stomach used to be. She hated it. Hated to think that Eren or Armin could die because she couldn't help them. She knew it was possible, even likely; with the Corps, death was less a matter of "if" and more of "when" based on their body count. And yet she always repeated to herself she'd be there for both of them. But Bane's words had weight on her resolve. What if Eren died before she could tell him? What if he felt...?

_I can't. -she whispered more to herself than to him. Mikasa lifted her gaze to meet his- I'm sorry, but i still can't. I can't imagine meeting him all alone and...

_I'll be there. -he cut her suddenly. Her eyes widened- I mean, not there there, but close by. Think of it as psichological support. I'll be rooting for you a few meters away maybe, i don't know. And whatever he says, i'll be there too if you want to talk. Or if you need a shoulder to cry on.

_Alastor, you're crazy! How could you...? What do you mean a shoulder to... to...?

_What? It's something people do. A friend screws up, you sit at their side, they put their head on your shoulder, cry. I've seen it. And besides, if you manage not to cry then you'll cry in your sleep, which is worse. Trust me, i know by experience. -The asian blinked at the comment.

_Alastor... have you... have you, um...?

_Have i what? -he frowned until the gears clicked in his head- Oh no, no no. I've never. But you forget i've been sleeping in a big room full of dudes since we began training. And some of them... you know. Miss things.

_I can't imagine any of you crying in your sleep. -she said frowning. Bane let out a hollow chuckle.

_You'd be surprised. I think Armin's the only one who hasn't woken me up with sobs at least once. He's tougher than he lets you see. Even to himself. Of course, it all happened during the first days, or weeks. And no one spoke of it. Ever.

_Only Armin? But that means Eren...

_It's a thing you don't talk about. -he cut her mid-sentence- And you better not mention it when you talk to him. If you do, that is.

Mikasa thought about it for a while, with him waiting patiently for the answer. When she looked at him, Alastor saw determination in her eyes, and a spark of something else. Hope? Fear? Both?

Some time later, while everyone else went to the dining hall Alastor was hiding past the corner of the barn where Mikasa told Eren to meet her, standing behind the cover of some tall bushes. Since it was quite dark already, he had no trouble in keeping himself out of Eren's sight. Not to mention he seemed quite focused on whatever she was saying now. He tried to read his face, although it got difficult between the lack of light and his need to remain hidden.

He seems... surprised. A bit disturbed, maybe. She must be in the confession part. -squinting, Alastor took note of his body rather than his face- His hands are up, he's at defensive. Not good. He must be trying to calm her down, to be rational for once. That means he had no idea. Likely, but may also mean he probably doesn't feel the same. And she... damn, she's tense. Her frame is rigid. Arms at her sides, fists clenched, head bowed. Oh, he's holding her now... by the elbows. He's always been an awkward guy. By his face, he's trying... badly, to comfort her. Is she trembling? No, he is. He's kind of panicking right now. She took his hands off. -Taking a deep breath, Bane focused entirely on Mikasa- Shakes her head. "No matter? Not your fault" Must be one of those. He's asking something... can't hear. She nods. "I'll be okay" probably. Aaaaand... there he goes. Awkwardly.

Once Jaeger was gone Bane got out of her hiding spot, stopping a few steps behind the asian. She turned to see him with tears welling up in her eyes. He closed the distance and put a hand on her shoulder. She sniffed and wiped her eyes, then gave a hesitant step towards him. He noted how strange it was that her head fit so well on his shoulder as his arms surrounded her tightly, a hand on the back of her head and his fingers running softly under her hair, the way he'd seen mothers of other children do when they were sad. They stood there for a while, Mikasa letting all her tears run while he held her. Her strong body shook with every sob, her hands clenched tightly on his uniform jacket. Even after she stopped, Alastor didn't break their hug; it was up to her to decide when she was ready. A soft mumble got his attention.

_What? -he asked in a soft whisper. She raised her head, eyes red and tired.

_I said "thank you" -she replied with voice a slightly hoarse- for... well for this. I... feel like i've had a great weight off my shoulders. I was so afraid. But he said that even if he didn't love me that way, he'd always be there for me.

_You thought he'd leave you. -It wasn't a question.

_I thought he'd run away from me. Ignore me, block me. Guess i was wrong. -she sniffed and rubbed her eyes, slowly leaving his space.- I was being selfish and stupid.

_Well the dude saved you, that has to earn some points in the hump-o-meter. -Mikasa let out an incredulous chuckle that seconds later became an all out continuous laughter; even he chuckled at his own joke.

_I think it's the first time i hear you joke.

_I don't do it very often. Which makes it more effective. So... are you okay?

_Almost. -she smiled sadly- But i will, thank you. You're a good person. I guess i'll skip dinner tonight, though.

_I can hear Sasha eating your ration right now. -She smiled again- And... thank you too.

_For what? -he smiled and this time it lit a bit his eyes.

_For letting me be here. For trusting me.

Present

Bane looked at the starry sky, letting the fresh air fill his lungs befor heading back to the barracks. The rest walked in groups of two or three depending on their frienships. Reiner lead Bertholdt and Connie to the dorms, laughing at some lewd ass jokes he made. Krista and Ymir walked closely, followed by Sasha and Hannah, the first holding a concealed loaf of bread and the second blowing a kiss to her boyfriend.

Then he saw them. Armin, Eren and Mikasa walking together as always. Although this time, she looked different. Some of the tension always present, always keeping her with her guard up had vanished. She said goodnight to the boys and left for the girls' dorm. Along the way, she turned -why would she?- and spotted Alastor, standing alone as he always did. She smiled, genuinely and sincerely, a soft smirk that somehow got him to do so and waved before resuming her way. He waved back and stretched his arms above his head while going after the other trainees... completely oblivious to Jean's murder glare fixed on his back.

_You've got to be fucking kidding me.

End of chapter.

Making fun of Jean is kind of easy, even if in innocent ways like this. Huehuehuehuehue...