Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.

"Baby boy, how was school?"

I moved my fork around my plate, shifting my mashed potatoes from side to side. I barely ate anything. I looked up at my mother blankly. "Fine."

She didn't seem to be content with my answer, but nodded anyway. Both Cece and Bullfrog knew something was up, but I refused to mention anything, besides, I was almost completely convinced there was something certifiably wrong with me. I wasn't sure whether Julia was real or a desperate trick my mind was playing, either way, I was afraid to find out.

"So how are you and Clare?" Bullfrog barked, waggling his eyebrows. I groaned, as Cece kicked him from under the table.

"I'm sure he doesn't want to discuss that with his parents." I shook my head; oh god, please stop talking about this.

"Oh come on now, I'm just trying to lighten the mood to something, you know, fun, and what's more fun than-ow!" Bullfrog glared at Cece who smirked at him in response, eating a bite of chicken off her plate.

I cleared my throat, an obvious blush on my cheeks. Now I knew how Clare felt; I needed to get out of here, fast. "Do you care if I go for a drive in Morty? I'm not hungry."

My mother nodded, as my father stared at me suspiciously. I got up and rinsed my plate off in the sink, grabbing my keys off the counter. "Off to see the girlfriend?"

I shook my head, not exactly…

Bullfrog didn't seem satisfied with my answer. "Hmm, well, before you go for your drive alone" He said, using air quotes around the word. "make sure you have that box of you-know-whats I put in your drawer last week. In my book, better safe than sorry, right Cece?"

"Dad." I said, urging him to just stop talking.

"Of course if you're out, I might have some in the medicine cabinet…are those still in there?" He turned to his wife, who just shrugged.

"Dad!" I said again, feeling mortified; I imagined my face was bright red at this point. Bullfrog stared at me and laughed, waving his hand towards the door.

"Alright, alright, I trust you enough to be responsible, get out of here." He didn't have tell me twice, I practically sprinted towards the front door.

"Just remember what I said, better safe than sorry!" He called after me, as I slapped myself in the forehead.

"Yes. Got it, Dad." I said shortly, before closing the door. Why couldn't I have normal parents?

After driving for ten minutes, I slowed down in front of the gates to the cemetery. I kept the keys in the ignition, finding it harder to step out of the hearse this time, even though I had been here more times than I could count. I sighed, and shut off the engine, listening to it die down.

"What brings you here?"

I felt my heart jump in my chest, but I knew immediately who it was that spoke those words. I felt her sitting next to me, but I didn't bring myself to look at her.

"The same reason as always, to visit you."

"You come here a lot."

I turned to Julia, my eyes meeting with hers. "You've seen me at your grave?"

Julia winced when I said grave and looked down at her lap, almost ashamed. "Yeah."

"How come I'm just seeing you now then, why not before?" I was truly curious to how long she had been secretly watching me.

"I was afraid that you… you know, wouldn't be able to handle it." She brought her head up, and I saw that her eyes were glistening. She was crying. "I would watch you walk up to my grave, and sit there and stare. Your eyes would look dull and empty, not the way I remembered them, so green and bright. I hated seeing you sad, and it was even worse because I was the reason. I was afraid that I'd scare you, or make the situation worse, so I'd just watch you from a distance. You don't know how badly I wanted to show myself to you, but it always felt too soon, and I didn't want to hurt you even more, so I just waited until I couldn't stand it any longer. I needed to see you again Eli."

"And now's a better time?" I bit my tongue as soon as I spoke; I didn't mean for it to sound so harsh, but it was the truth. She let out a small sob, and I instantly put my arm around her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way."

"Yes, you did, and I don't blame you. I know the last thing you want is me back in your life, especially when I can't actually be in it. I'll leave if you want, just tell me now."

I shook my head no, I didn't want her to leave, quite the opposite actually. "No, you're not going anywhere Julia." I just held her and stared out the window, both of us not saying anything.

"Why didn't you believe me?" Her brown eyes were wide and innocent, and just looking into them made me want to fall apart.

"I-I didn't want to accept that it happened." I said quietly. "I could have protected you, I should have comforted you, but I did neither because it was easier to blame you then to admit it to myself. Julia, there isn't a day that I don't wish I could change what I said to you, and just tell you that I loved you. I would pull you to me and I'd never let you get away." I was holding her hand tightly, and it was then I realized that it didn't feel completely solid. "But I'll never get that chance, and it kills me."

"I want you to stop blaming yourself. I know that if you could, you wouldn't have let it happen." Julia said, her eyes staring straight into me and the guilt I began to feel was almost unbearable. My phone starting ringing and I knew that it was Clare calling me. I broke away from Julia to answer.

"Hello?"

"Eli! Where are you? I stopped by your house a little while ago, and your dad was surprised to see me. He said something along the lines of, oh, I guess he really was just going for a drive."

I glanced at Julia, who was avoiding my eyes as she sat up straight against the seat. I couldn't think of a sufficient lie so I decided to just go with the truth, well, as much of the truth as I could tell her.

"I drove to the cemetery."

There was silence, and I could hear the wind blowing through the phone. "Is there something wrong?" Clare finally asked, her voice held an odd emotion to it, but I couldn't decipher what it was.

"No, I just needed to think, you know, clear my head. That's all."

"Oh."

I nodded into the phone awkwardly, even though I knew she couldn't see it. Julia was staring out the passenger window now, seemingly aloof to the conversation.

"Adam told me what happened with Derrick."

"Did he?" I gave Adam a very un-detailed version of what happened in the hall, just enough to explain why I seemed so out of it when he ran into me. I left out the last thing Derrick said to me before he disappeared, and of course, my run in with "Julia". He seemed to know I wasn't telling him everything, but luckily didn't press me about it.

"Yes. Eli, you should have told Principal Simpson, I'm sure he would want to know."

"I don't think that's such a good idea." I told her honestly. Really, what would Simpson do? Most likely nothing and it would probably only make the situation worse, which right now was the last thing I needed.

I heard the sound of cars pass, and remembered she was walking by herself, which made me uneasy. It was almost dark outside and certain areas here weren't the safest place to be at night. "Where are you? Let me pick you up, I don't want you walking around this late."

I could feel her roll her eyes before she spoke. "It's only 8:30, Dad. I'm a big girl you know."

"That's irrelevant, it's dark, and I'm coming to get you. How far did you walk?" I asked, getting ready to start Morty's engine.

"I'm almost to the dot."

"I'll be there in a few minutes, call me if you need to." I said, knowing I was being over protective, but after what happened to Julia, it was second nature. Julia…

I turned to her, not knowing what to do next.

"Forget I was here?" She laughed, although it sounded forced. "How are you and Clare?'

"You know about us?"

She smiled shyly, and nodded. I didn't know what to say to her; would Julia be mad at me for moving on?

"I'm not angry at you." She said, reading my mind. She lightly brushed the bangs from my eyes, letting her hand ghost the side of my face. "It's not like I expected you to be in love with a dead girl forever."

I felt my heart break at her words, and I wanted to take away the pain that she was feeling, that the both of us were feeling. "Julia- I'll always love you. I can't possibly forget what you meant to me."

She nodded at me, a sad smile on her face. I leaned in and kissed her gently on the cheek, my lips tingling from the coldness of her skin.

"I'll let you get to Clare now." She said, and before I could say another word, she was gone. I ran my hands over the leather seat where Julia sat just seconds ago, and felt bewildered.

As I drove, I tried not to think about Julia. I loved Clare more than I could describe, but I still felt overwhelming sadness when Julia would disappear, and it almost made me feel that I was cheating on Clare.

I pulled up next to the dot and found Clare sitting on a bench, her hands folded neatly in her lap, patiently waiting for me. She stood up when she recognized the hearse, and made her way to the passenger door.

I smiled as she shut it, scooting next to me. However, she didn't return my smile, instead her face held a somber expression.

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Did I do something?"

"Yes, you did."

I stared at her, waiting for her to explain, but she continued to stay silent.

"Care to embellish a bit?"

She clicked her tongue and crossed her arms in front of her, giving me knowing look. "Why did you punch him?"

Deny it, was what ran through my mind as I sat under Clare's accusing glare. "I didn't punch him."

"Don't lie Eli, Adam told me, remember?" Oh, right, damn it. Guess I'll have to scratch that tactic off my list of defenses.

"He deserved it Clare." I said, being blunt with her.

"But Eli, you know you can't keep resorting to violence all the time, look where it's gotten you before, do you really want another repeat of Vegas Night?" I winced at the memory of the knife. "Sorry." She added, her eyes softer now.

I sighed. "Clare, I know you're right but, I couldn't help it. He told me I'm the reason Julia's dead, and he-" I stopped, I couldn't say it out loud, I don't think I ever have.

Clare reached for my hand, waiting anxiously for me to continue. I don't know if I could do it.

"Eli, what happened? Please tell me." I closed my eyes and held onto the steering wheel for support. Should I tell her?

"Derrick raped Julia." There, I said it out loud, and hearing the words come out of my mouth didn't make it hurt any less.

Clare gasped. "W-what?" I looked at her and saw her eyes were wide with a mixture of shock and sadness.

"That's why I hate him so much. That's why that bastard shouldn't be allowed to go to Degrassi."

Clare seemed to be speechless as she continued to stare at me, her mouth agape. She shook her head and blinked a few times."I'm so, so sorry."

"And the worst part is that he's proud of it! He's proud that he raped her! He told me wishes I could hear her scream." I stared straight ahead of me, but my vision didn't register. "How could he do that to Julia?"

Clare moved closer to me and put her hand on my shoulder. "I don't know how someone could do that to another person, I thought the same thing when I found out Darcy was raped."

"How did you deal with that?" I asked, remembering when she told me of her sister's rape. I wanted to tell her then about Julia, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"It was hard, really hard, but I tried to help her in every way I could and just be there for her. It was difficult to understand how she was feeling or what she was going through. She was really messed up afterwards. I'll never forget how it changed her…"

I swallowed, thinking back to how I shut Julia out after she told me.

"I told her she was liar and that she cheated on me." Clare rubbed my shoulder as I continued to let everything out. "I told her she was a slut. That was one of the last things I said to her before she died."

I lowered my head and sat there in shame.

"People make mistakes."

"It doesn't matter; I'll never forgive myself for what happened." Clare pulled me into a hug, and let myself relax into her arms. She cradled my head to her chest, and I couldn't help but feel better.

"I'm sure if she was still alive, she would forgive you for what you said. I don't believe for one second you meant those things, and I don't doubt that Julia would say the same."

Clare was half right, Julia did forgive me, but she wouldn't if she knew everything. Clare would leave me if I told her the truth, and I intended on never letting her find out. I knew I was a horrible person, and selfish as well, exactly the reason why I couldn't lose the only other girl I've ever cared about.

"Clare?"

"Yes?"

I swallowed; my voice was raw. "Please don't leave me, I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

She stroked my hair and sighed. "I don't intend to, Eli. I love you."

I smiled at her words, and listened to the steady rhythm of her breathing. "I love you too, Clare." For now, that was enough to keep me going.