Delara

By Eydie Munroe

Disclaimer: It's been 11 years, but somehow Paramount (and now CBS, apparently) still owns them. Since they don't want to seem to do anything with them anymore, I'm taking the Voyager crew out to play. But I promise to give them only cookies and milk, and to have them home by eleven.

Note: This story was heavily inspired by the story "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" by Mindy.

The investigation of the explosion never did turn up any other explosive devices, and eventually Tuvok cleared engineering crews to go down and collect the termidonium that they had been after in the first place. B'Elanna's initial surgery and uterine replacement went extremely well, and she was on her way to making a full recovery. But this latest brush with death had taken a toll on her because this time, it wasn't just her that she'd had to put at risk for her job. If it hadn't been for the Doctor's quick thinking, she would have lost her baby. And Tom's baby. And that almost made it worse than anything that could have happened to just her.

To her credit and despite her discomfort, Kathryn immediately searched for ways to include the couple in the baby's life. Tom took to it at once, rolling with the punches as he told his wife one night. B'Elanna on the other hand was apprehensive, and still feeling like a failure for not being able to bring the baby to term herself. Many evenings after shifts were spent in either the captain's quarters or the Paris-Torres home, filled with conversation and planning and hopes for the future. At the captain's gentle urging, B'Elanna eventually came around and grew comfortable with the fact that, even though her body was no longer involved, she was still going to become a mother.

It didn't take long for word to get out to the rest of the ship about what happened. More than anything, Kathryn had wanted to keep it quiet. But Chakotay's insistence on cutting off gossip before it could start was compounded by the fact that by the time she returned to duty after the transfer, she already had to replicate herself a maternity uniform. And she found that he had been right. Nobody giggled, or pointed, or did anything that made her feel remotely like the side show attraction she'd feared she'd become. There was no shame in her being pregnant because everyone knew it was for a good cause. They said hello to her like they always did, and offered to help her a little more than she was comfortable with. But as the weeks went on it all became easier to deal with, especially after she started letting go of her doubts for doing it and just dealt with the doing.

Chakotay spent a lot of time with her as well, wanting to make sure that she did not at all feel isolated. It didn't take long for the coffee withdrawal to hit her full force, and he caught a lot of her mood swings merely because he was always around. "I'm not some frail old woman!" she spat at him one day in her quarters when she'd finally had enough. "Get out from under my feet!" His response was to settle back even further into his seat, clasping his hands together in his lap as he waited her out. "Why are you still here?" she snapped, more irritated than ever.

"I'm letting you get this out now," he told her calmly, "so you don't take it out on some poor crewman who happens to cross your path."

Rather than shout at him some more, she turned her back on him, so fast that she lost her balance and had to grab onto the corner of her desk to keep from falling. "Dammit!"

He was on his feet in an instant, grabbing her from behind to hold her upright. "What's wrong?"

She angrily shoved him off, then stopped to catch her breath, with one hand on her hip and her forehead resting on the heel of the other. "I can't get used to this!" she complained bitterly. "Nothing works right. I can't keep my balance, and I'm crashing into everything with this –" She gestured down at her belly, which now contained a fetus that was six months old. "This thing!"

"Come on." Chakotay took her by the elbow and led her over to the nearest armchair, then crouched down beside her as she settled down into it. "What's going on?" he asked her, rubbing his hand back and forth along her arm.

Kathryn didn't answer for a while, far closer to tears than she would ever admit. "I'm just having a hard time with this," she said when she felt strong enough to control her voice. "Every time I've finally gotten used to being pregnant, something in my body changes. I finally am able to sleep through the night, and she learns how to kick. I get the hang of walking again, and she changes position." She sighed, blowing the air out loudly through her teeth. "I'm completely irrational, and I take it out on everyone around me."

"No you don't. You've actually been very even-tempered with them," he told her. "As a matter of fact, Tuvok pointed out to me yesterday that he believes you're handling the situation very well." She huffed a bit of a laugh, and reached up to wipe away a tear that managed to escape. "You knew this wasn't going to be easy," he told her softly.

"I know. I know." She felt thoroughly sorry for herself. "This just isn't how I imagined this happening, you know? I hate that I'm doing this all alone, and it's not even for me."

He reached over and caressed her cheek in his hand. "Kathryn, you are not alone." Another tear suddenly ran down her cheek, and he brushed it away with his thumb. "No matter what, you are loved."

Kathryn's stomach suddenly went into knots, and she felt electrified where he was touching her. She knew that her hormonal upheaval was playing tricks with her brain, but she wanted to do nothing more in that moment than to kiss him. And it looked like he had the same idea too. For once, she wanted to explore where this feeling went, and was starting to consider just how to do it.

"Sickbay to Commander Chakotay," the Doctor's annoyed tone suddenly broke in through his communicator. "You were due in Sickbay for your follow-up exam half an hour ago."

Chakotay sighed. "I'll be right there, Doctor. Chakotay out." Kathryn was still looking at him, her expression now a remnant of what it had been a second ago. "I'd better go, or he's going to be nagging me all day. I'll check in on you later." He stood up, then leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. And after one more longing glance, he turned and headed out into the corridor.

She continued to sit there for a little while, eyes closed and breathing deeply as she relived what had just happened. The feeling of his lips on her skin seemed to linger, providing her with a calming effect that she never would have expected. The baby started to turn over, kicking her under the hand that she had instinctively rested on her belly. "Shhh…" she soothed as she rubbed her hand over it. The kicking seemed to subside, but the movement was still there. Kathryn realized just how much she actually enjoyed this sensation – as long as it wasn't while she was trying to sleep. Eventually she pushed herself up onto her feet, intending to head for the replicator but instead just starting to wander around the room as she relished the feeling of the baby moving inside her. "I can't wait to meet you," she eventually said to it as she continued to caress it with her hand. "Your mom and dad are so excited that you're coming."

Her gaze moved out to the passing stars, her mood turning much more pensive. "You know, no one was more surprised than I was when we found out about you," she thought aloud. "For some reason, I thought that nobody was ever going to have a baby on this ship again." She felt a twinge of guilt. "Okay, that's a lie. I guess I thought that just because I intentionally wasn't going to have one, that nobody else would either." The loneliness that she usually felt in moments like this threatened to engulf her again, but this time the feeling of the life she carried seemed to temper it. "I didn't want to make that decision," she admitted. "I wanted to get married and have a family just like anybody else." She got swept up in her remorse, and felt horridly alone. "But I guess that's just not in the cards for me."

The baby kicked her again, followed by stretching so that feet and hands were moving in opposite directions. Try as she might to wallow in self-pity, the baby was making sure that she couldn't set up residence there. "Well you're feisty today, aren't you?" Kathryn couldn't help but smile just a little, rubbing both hands over the baby as it continued to turn and kick. She just stood there, feeling every movement and, more importantly, realizing just how strongly she wanted to be experiencing it for herself. With a sigh she said, "Don't tell anybody this, but ever since you came stay with me, I've started to think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I could have a family and still be able to get this ship home." She gazed out at the passing stars as she thought back to Chakotay's kiss just a few minutes before, and found comfort in the feeling of being so close to him. "Maybe…"