Healing Wounds – chapter four
Apart from Olivia and Noah, Amanda was alone in the squad room. Nick left nearly an hour ago to take Lucy home and Fin still hadn't returned from the hospital. She spent the afternoon monitoring the search in the park for the assailants but there was no sign of them yet and they were now waiting while someone scoured the CCTV to find anyone matching their description.
Nick calmed down once hearing of the attack but he was still defensive and angry since his return, and the afternoon was punctuated with the slamming of his desk draws and abrupt conversations. In contrast Amanda tried to keep her head down. He didn't refuse any order Olivia gave him, but his underlying anger was heard in every response. Even Amanda's tolerance for Nick's attitude was wearing thin; she was secretly relieved when he left with Lucy, relishing the unusual lull as she waited on progress reports from various leads.
She could see the toll the afternoon's events had taken on Olivia, and the added pressure of her old partner being injured only complicated the investigation further. Olivia was clearly shaken and Amanda saw her checking her phone regularly for updates from Fin. Noah's presence in the precinct calmed her, focusing her mind on him, but Amanda could see the torment and the worry in Olivia's face.
She heard Noah giggling as he emerged from Olivia's office, his feet carrying him as quickly, albeit slightly totteringly, as they could. Amanda lifted her head in amusement to see Olivia follow him to her doorway as he quickly ran towards her, only just seeing his brown locks over the side of her desk. Amanda shot her a knowing look and smiled just as he rounded the corner of her desk and she rolled her chair into his path. He stopped short and looked up at her with wide eyes, his mouth dropping open comically.
"Oh," Noah said in surprise as he tried to look around Amanda for another get away plan now that his path was blocked.
"Where are you going little man?"
He peered around the side of her legs and pointed. "Dere."
Amanda laughed gently at his confidence. Noah looked back at her as he contemplated his thwarted escape route. To Amanda's surprise Noah lifted his arms to her as he took a small step forward, silently asking to be picked up. Amanda surprised herself by slipping her hands under his arms to lift him.
"Don't you want to go see your mom?" Amanda asked placing him on her lap. Noah shrugged coyly as he looked at her desk, tapping the edge with his hands and he quickly settled in to her side.
"No," he shook his head and looked over at Olivia standing in her doorway with his coat in her hand. He ducked his head playfully and giggled that he had escaped for now.
"Why not?"
"No coat," he said pointing at the offending piece of clothing his mother wanted him to put on.
"You don't want to go home?" Amanda asked. She glanced out of the window and realised afternoon turned into night at some point.
"No," he shook his head. "'Tay." He snuggled on her lap, his eyes full of mischief as they roamed her desk eager to find something to play with.
"You sure do make yourself at home, don't ya?"
"Um," Noah replied with a nod his focus on the pen holder on the desk.
Amanda chuckled again at the little boys' easy attitude and how comfortable he was with everyone he met. She looked over his head to find Olivia watching her son with a fond expression. They may have their differences but watching Olivia and Noah warmed Amanda's heart. She wasn't the most comfortable around children and given her history she wasn't sure if she wanted any of her own, but Noah's smile was infectious and she could understand how easy it was for Olivia to welcome him into her life. Despite the long hours, the stress of a being a single parent combined with a high pressured job, especially with the extra anxiety of Noah's early start in life and the ongoing threat hanging over her head, Olivia relished being a mother.
Amanda caught Olivia's eye and held a hand out for the coat. Olivia looked taken a back but stepped forward while Noah was distracted by the pen he plucked from the holder. Amanda took the coat when Olivia offered it to her. She took hold of Noah's free handand put it into the right sleeve.
"Hmm," Noah sighed as he realised what was happening but he didn't fight her or wriggle to get away. He rarely argued or cried, usually adapting easily to any change of his routine and Amanda wondered if that was a result of being shuffled between foster families before he was placed with Olivia.
Amanda took the pen out of his other hand and thredded it through the empty sleeve before swivelling her chair to face Olivia so she could close the zip. Once done Olivia straightened her back and looked down at Noah as he lifted his arms and contemplated his defeat.
"Hmm," he huffed again and dropped his arms.
Amanda gave him a consoling squeeze. "Are you guys going home?"
"No, Fin called from the hospital, Elliot woke up. I'm going to drop in on my way home."
"You're going to take Noah?" Amanda tried to keep the concern out of her voice.
"Yeah, I couldn't ask Lucy to stay after what happened today."
Amanda bobbed her head understandingly and looked down at the toddler. Her mouth opened before she could rethink her offer. "I could watch him till you got back."
She had no idea why she offered, nor did she think Olivia would take her up on it but Olivia needed some time to think and she wouldn't be able to do that with Noah with her. Amanda stared at Olivia and wasn't surprised when the inevitable head shake came.
"No, I'm going to go home after and get him to bed," Olivia replied.
Amanda realised why Olivia wanted to take Noah to the hospital. He was her escape, her reason to leave if it became too much for her. She knew Olivia must be conflicted in using Noah like this but she could understand why Olivia would want a buffer in this situation.
"If you're sure…" Amanda offered once more watching her closely fully prepared for the refusal.
"I am," Olivia was resolute. "You heading home soon?"
"Yeah, I've got some paperwork to do and I'll probably wait for Nick or Fin to come back before I go."
Olivia nodded once, not ready to elaborate on the mirade of emotions playing across her face. "Don't stay too late," she replied and held her hands out to Noah who eagerly went to her.
"I won't," Amanda promised as Olivia settled Noah onto her hip. "Night, night Noah."
He gave her a sweet smile and waved his hand. "Bye."
….
Kathleen stroked her fingers through Eli's golden hair as he rested his head on her lap. He'd finally given in to exhaustion a while ago and fallen asleep while Fin went in to see their father to take his statement. Eli surprisingly balked when the nurse when asked if he wanted to see their dad, suddenly afraid but he refused to leave the hospital too. Kathleen's other hand rested on her stomach and rubbed it out of habit to reassure herself. She'd already seen her dad. She thought this part of their lives was over, never thought she would be worrying about getting another phonecall about her dad being hurt.
The door to the waiting room opened and natural curiosity made her look over to see Olivia carrying a sleep child through the door. Kathleen looked at her father's former partner and relief filled her. If one good thing came out of this mess it would be a chance for her father to see Olivia, give him a chance to make things right. This wasn't the most ideal reunion, but it was a start. Kathleen hoped they wouldn't be too stubborn to let this opportunity pass them by.
Olivia looked around and spotted her almost immediately. Her lips lifted and she beckoned her over gesturing to Eli in her lap. Olivia's eyes softened and made her way over to them. Kathleen took the moment to study the woman who had been a huge part of her life growing up. She looked tired, guarded. Kathleen could see the anxiety, and she wanted to know if it was just about seeing her father after four years. From the newspaper articles and headlines she was aware the last two years had been tough, but she learnt from her father never to believe everything the media said, it wasn't the full story. Kathleen wasn't sure if she wanted more details than the harrowing ones the paper werer able to print about Olivia's abduction and subsequent torture. Olivia survived and that was all that mattered to Kathleen.
"Hi," Kathleen said as Olivia sat on the chair beside her, leaving a gap and rearranging the slumbering child on her lap into a more comfortable position. Kathleen studied the little boy who looked about the same age as Oliver. "Worn himself out?"
Olivia's eye widened momentarily before gazing down at him. "Yeah, it's been a long day," Olivia replied. "For everyone," she added eyeing Kathleens swollen belly. "How's your dad?"
Kathleen contemplated her for a moment and knew Olivia wanted to congratulate her on the pregnancy but with her father's injuries overhanging their reunion now wasn't the time. "He's awake and the doctors say he can go home in a few days if there aren't any seem quite confident. Fin's in with him now taking his statement."
Olivia bobbed her head. "That's good. How's Eli?"
Kathleen stroked the sleeping boy's hair gently. "Refusing to leave or see dad so I'm staying with him. He was so brave. Fin said he'll help me get him home."
Olivia looked down at the boy who she had seen into the world and sighed. She only listened to the emergency call once earlier, but she could remember the panic in the little boys voice as she tried to detach herself emotionally from the events which were unravelling; remembered him saying Elliot lost a lot of blood. She knew witnessing something like this was going to stay with him for a long time to come. "He was scared. I heard your dad lost a lot of blood."
Kathleen swallowed but shook her head. "Not as much as initially thought. There's always going to seem more than there is, especially to a seven year old who's worried about his dad."
"Where's your mom?"
"Gone away for the week with her boyfriend. Dad just came back from a two week training course, so he's got Eli so she could have a break. Maureen dropped by but she's on a split shift at Bellevue and went back when we found out he was going to be okay. Dad spoke to the twins on the phone and they're going to drop by later."
Olivia blinked, her mind reeling. There was no recrimination in Kathleen's voice, almost resigned as she was used to being in this situation with Elliot. She hoped she wouldn't have to put Noah through this once, let alone enough times for him to become accustomed with it and be as accepting of it as Kathleen seemed to be. "I heard you made him a grandfather."
"Yeah," Kathleen smiled with motherly pride and pulled her phone out of her pocket and finding a picture of her son. "I named him after you. Well, Oliver instead of Olivia," she told her holding out her phone.
"I'm honoured," Olivia said overwhelmed by the gesture.
Out of all of Elliot's children, Kathleen was the one she felt closest too. She was touched the young woman named her first child after her, wondering what she had done to motivate such a tribute. Olivia took the phone and studied the image Kathleen chose to show her. Elliot holding his blonde haired grandson, both of them beaming identical smiles at the person holding the camera. It was a bittersweet realisation for Olivia as she noted how happy they looked. They had missed so much of each other's lives and she had no idea what coming here was going to accomplish. If nothing else, she had to see that Elliot was okay even if they didn't resolve everything that was unsaid between them.
"He's got the Stabler blues," Olivia breathed out trying to cover the tremor in her voice.
"He does."
"Where is he? I thought he was in the park with your dad."
"Home, my boyfriend Ethan came to pick him up."
"You're not married?"
"No," Kathleen shook her head. "I think Dad would have preferred it if we had, but we had only been seeing each other six months when I found out I was pregnant and I refused point blank before anyone suggested it. Ethan proved himself to Dad though, he came to every appointment, every class and supported me through it. Hence baby number two," she stroked her belly with her free hand.
"Congratulations," Olivia said forlornly, once more thinking of everything she missed after Elliot left without a word.
Outside of their professional partnership they had no obligations tying them to each other but Olivia had come to care about his children and when Elliot walked out of her life, they did to. For a long time Olivia learnt to ignore the heartache caused by Elliot's desertion, pushing it to the back of her mind. She fought it from resurfacing ever since she heard Lucy utter his name earlier, willing it not to resurface, not to let it take over, not let it break her again. He still affected her no matter how hard she fought it.
There was a part of her which hated him for it. Hated him for being able to cause a deep ache in her chest at the mere mention of him. She hated how his selfless act of protecting her son landed him in hospital, hated feeling guilty for something that was beyond her control.
She hated she still caring about him.
"Who's this?" Kathleen asked as she took her phone back as Olivia held it out to her.
"Noah," Olivia said pressing a soft kiss to Noah's head. "I'm hoping to adopt him soon."
Kathleen reached out her free hand to stroke Noah's cheek, brushing one of his locks out of the way to see his face better. "How old is he?"
"Eighteen months," Olivia smiled.
"Same age as Oliver," Kathleen murmured. She sighed wistfully withdrawing her hand. Her eyes met Olivia's uncertainly. "I think Dad will be happy to see him," she said staring at her meaningfully. "He'll be happy to see you."
Olivia bristled and held Noah tighter. "Not sure about that," she whispered into Noah's hair. "I just came to thank him for what he did today. He made it clear a few years ago that he didn't want to talk to me."
Kathleen frowned but she didn't jump to her father's defence. "I don't condone how he left things with you, but I know he regrets it. I also know that no matter what happened he will be happy for you and even happier he got the chance to meet your son."
Olivia was taken aback by the finality to Kathleen's voice, the certainty and confidence in her voice, in her father and his feelings towards her. Eli shifted against Kathleen and his eyes began to flutter, saving Olivia from finding an appropriate response. He lifted up on to his knees and rubbed his eyes sleepily. Neither woman said anything as he blinked lethargically before realising where he was. He looked Olivia over in confusion before settling on Noah.
"Hey, that's Noah," he exclaimed shuffling forward.
"Eli this is Olivia, Noah's mom," Kathleen introduced them. Eli leant into his sisters' side, looking for reassurance as he was overcome with a moment of shyness. "Do you remember me telling about the person I named Oliver after?" He nodded once and Kathleen pointed at Olivia. "This is her."
Eli's widened and Olivia wondered exactly the young boy knew about her because he had been too young to remember her.
"You're Dad's friend?" He asked slightly in awe.
"We used to work together," Olivia answered with a tiny smile.
Eli stared back at her and he reminded her of Elliot when he was figuring something out. He opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by Fin returning to the waiting room.
"Hey Liv, I thought you were still at the house."
"I just wanted to drop in and make sure Elliot was okay before I took Noah home," Olivia replied rising from the chair with Noah in her arms. She studied Fin's face as his eyes softened kindly.
"He's in the room at the end of the hall. You want me to keep an eye on Noah while you go see Elliot?"
Olivia shook her head and tightened her hold on Noah. "It's okay; I'll take him with me." She looked over at Kathleen and Eli. "I'll see you soon."
Without waiting for a response Olivia made her way down the hallway from which Fin emerged. She walked down to the end. She adjusted Noah on her hip. She reached the window to his room and she took a deep breath, willing herself to look. Her eyes slipped shut and her heart pounded. Olivia exhaled shakily, trying to calm her nerves and compose herself before she saw Elliot. She turned to face the window and opened her eyes before she could rethink it.
Elliot's eyes were closed as he reclined against the pillows as the blankets pooled at his waist. Olivia sagged in relief as her observation went unnoticed. Her gaze travelled over him. His hair was greyer, a few more wrinkles. Her eyes dropped lower, down his chest and stopped at the bandage which was taped to his side. Her throat tightened and she huffed out gently, thinking she may have made a mistake by coming here, she had no idea what she wanted to say to him, if there was anything to say at all.
Elliot was asleep. She could slip away without him seeing her. Noah shifted against her and pressed his nose into her neck, his breath brushing over her skin. She glanced down the hallway longingly, wishing she had taken Fin up on his offer. She was about to return to the waiting room when she peeked through the window again only to pause when she saw Elliot staring back at her.
Olivia paused, unable to break away from his penetrating glower. She licked her lips quickly, her mouth suddenly dry. She wanted to break the stare, look away but she couldn't. Instead Elliot did and he eyed Noah, his frown disappearing and his lips lifting gently. He met her eyes again and lifted his hand to beckon her. She held Noah with one arm as she stepped forward, her free hand gripping the door handle and turned it. The door opened and she carried Noah through.
"Hi," Elliot greeted quietly.
Author Note – Don't you hate cliff hangers? The reunion is going to have to wait a little longer because it deserves a chapter all to itself. Anything you want to tell me? Please leave a review or send me a PM if you're uncomfortable leaving a public comment.