Normandy SR-2, Engineering Deck, Zaeed's Room
Zaeed's quarters were far from the most inviting Kenneth had seen. The two men were stood in what looked like a standard Alliance frigate storage room, except it was decorated with the kind of trinkets that could only have been accumulated by two decades of utter madness. Lining every surface were models of famous ships missing or infamously destroyed, rusted and twisted bullets both used and unused, armour segments pried from dead victims, weapons that were common, exotic and completely unknown and ammo types that ranged from the efficient to the downright cruel. Kenneth observed the trophies and dared not enquire about any details; he didn't want any part of his anatomy joining them.
Might as well force a stab at generic conversation, as long as it doesn't earn me a not-so-generic stab from this guy.
"I um…like what you've done with the p-"
Zaeed cleared his throat and Kenneth flinched, wondering if the man could do anything that wasn't nerve-wracking. Two irregular eyes were now on him.
Oh merciful Lord if you're up there, protect me from this madman and all his rusty instruments of death, that I may one day die with dignity without a spike up my ar-
"Now then!" Zaeed growled, pacing up and down before his motionless guest like a lion ogling the last portion of gazelle. "Sit down, doesn't matter what on, long as you don't break anything." The battle-hardened veteran leaned against a bulkhead. "And grab a drink," he demanded with a wave of his tattooed right arm.
"You…" Kenneth's voice was almost an octave higher and a decibel quieter. He cleared his throat and tried to start again. "Wanted me to fix s-something, right?"
Kenneth tried to think of something that matched this theory. What the hell was there to fix? Had the old man's portable refrigerator broken down from storing too many severed heads? Was the deck monitor stuck on Grunt's private toilet? Maybe Jessie had reached menopause?
Nothing in what was left of the mercenary's face hinted at needing help.
Better not ask about Jessie, Ken. If he lived to be a thousand years old he would never forget Grunt's cry of agony coming from this very room when the krogan had knocked her over. Unfortunately for Kenneth, small-talk would have to wait as Zaeed saw through this false incredulity and addressed him with a no-nonsense directness rarely seen outside of turian boot camps.
"Have a goddamn drink and cut the crap son, we're here to talk about you. You and the girl crying her eyes out in there," he jerked his head towards the Engine Room.
Kenneth cringed, did the whole ship know about his sad little crush?
With considerable reluctance, Kenneth stepped over to the windowsill, snapped up a brightly-coloured bottle of God-knows-what and took a timid sip. He spluttered and his throat burned; it had a metallic taste and strangely familiar texture.
"The hell kind of a drink do you call this?" For a scarce moment, Kenneth's anger at being prompted to drink such a beverage overpowered his fear and he turned back to Zaeed waving the container in disgust.
Upon turning around he saw Zaeed stood in front of his small refrigerator with a bottle of ordinary Zakera-brewed beer in his hands. Something told him he had misinterpreted the mercenary's words.
"Drink?" the veteran said, scarred features forming a perplexed frown. "That's a good luck charm I picked up on Kahje ten years ago. Fermented hanar semen."
Ken howled and spluttered, trying to bring up the swallowed contents while Zaeed cackled. He should have known this was going to happen; just over a minute in Massani's quarters and he'd ingested almost as much jellyfish juice as a Fornax starlet on a good working day.
"Just kidding!" the mercenary roared, "but you owe me a new can of rifle polish. S'alright," he added when he saw Kenneth's terrified face. "That stuff ain't lethally poisonous, just watch your bowels for the next coupla days."
Zaeed tore the bottle cap off with discoloured teeth and in an amazing display of accuracy, spat it straight into the ship's garbage disposal. Marksmanship seemed to translate into every part of life for a man like Zaeed. Kenneth wouldn't be surprised if the older man constantly saw Vido Santiago's face in the toilet bowl. Not forgetting the need to drink that always accompanied romantic advice among their species and gender, Zaeed pulled out another bottle and threw it to a very grateful Kenneth who slumped onto the floor against the wall and gulped it down, glad to wash the metallic taste out of his mouth. This was as far as Zaeed was prepared to go with hosting formalities and he cut to the chase.
"Y'know," he grunted, "I'm not one for all this sentimental romantic shit but I gotta say…she's a standout young lady, that Gabby." He pointed a coarse finger at Kenneth who curled up at the sight of it. "You should be looking out for her."
"Why would you of all people say that?"
Kenneth hadn't expected this at all. And knowing Zaeed's incredibly low tolerance for dishonesty and topic evasion, Kenneth almost wished he had been summoned to discuss Jessie's rusty machinery.
Zaeed, on the other hand, was irritated by Kenneth's assumption that a man couldn't make any accurate emotional observations just for being a grizzled, partially-insane war veteran. But glad to have at last forced some straight and coherent conversation on the subject.
"Why would I of all people say that? Because when she came down here just after you two had your big fight, I went out into the corridor, said 'hello' and she grabbed me by the throat, pinned me against the wall and said that if I didn't immediately piss off she'd stick the deck intercom so far up my arse the Reapers would be hearing my 'silent but deadlies' in dark space."
Kenneth could relate to this. He recalled receiving a similar threat from Gabby the last time he observed that her accent sounded like it changed every five minutes. He wasn't alone in this opinion but no matter how hard he pleaded his case, she still wasn't having any of it.
Zaeed slapped his gauntleted hands together and prompted yet another sharp flinch from Kenneth. Only Zaeed Massani would be so impressed by an act of unprovoked violence.
Try to relax Kenbo, he isn't gonna hurt you…probably. We're just talking about women. That's right, not krogan warlords or dropping the soap in a batarian prison shower or how to kill a man with a lunch tray. Just women…mysterious, terrifying, unconquerable women.
"It takes guts to say something like that to a man like me, son," Zaeed growled, cutting off Kenneth's train of thought. "It takes real character. The person in that room, wasting time at her terminal and coming up with various ways to dismember you right now is no goddamn doormat." He balled his tattooed fist and his face hardened even more. "She's one helluva girl! And I should know."
He had that horrible misted stare again in his eyes again. Kenneth could only imagine the kind of stories Zaeed would have about dating. And sure enough...
"Buddy and I went on a double date once with these asari twins. Mine was Melphyria. Good head on her shoulders, really understood how things worked. And a real beauty, she was as well…pair of tits you could kill for!" He leaned forward and grabbed each side of his armour's chest plate to emphasise the point. "Which is kind of fitting actually, considering I did kill for them a few times over the next coupla months."
Zaeed then grinned and let out a surprisingly emotive sigh. "Remember the first time I saw her...sat in Chora's Den, black dress that hid very little, 'love' and 'hat' tattooed on her hands."
"Hat?"
"She'd lost a finger in a knife fight."
"Oh."
Another memory, one of the more pleasant ones in that battered head cropped up and Zaeed licked his scarred lips. "Not to mention the sex was…"
With this, Kenneth discovered difficulty of doing the 'Lalalala, I'm not listening' routine with one hand in your pocket and the other holding a beer. That was more of Zaeed than he had everwanted to visualise.
"What happened to her?" he enquired, eager to postpone the Gabby talk for as long as possible.
"Bitch sold me out to the Blood Pack." Zaeed spat, draining his bottle and staring out of the window. Both men began to contemplate the usefulness of this tale, but unlike Kenneth, Zaeed wasn't paralysed with fear, which enabled him to be quicker on the uptake.
"I know what you're thinking and you're right, that isn't the best example but hell, I'm glad I went for it. Didn't work out but fuck me if I ever turn too chickenshit to try."
Kenneth didn't find any of this reassuring.
What's this guy trying to say? Better to have loved and lost when the bitch tried to have you killed by a Terminus gang than never to have loved at all? There's too much he doesn't know. The Perugia! How am I going to explain the Per-
"But remember this," Zaeed pointed at him again, "I may have enjoyed two months of bliss doing the horizontal monster mash with a hot asari but that Gabby's a girl who knows her way around an engine, can throttle a merc in the blink of an eye and despite these skills isn't the type to sell you out to heavily-armed krogan and their arse-kissing vorcha. Those are some pretty unique qualities son." Zaeed's voice was almost gentle. "She's a real keeper."
He tossed the empty bottle into the garbage disposal and didn't meet Kenneth's eyes. "Don't wanna spend your life thinking of someone and what could've been with them," he muttered, half to himself and now submerged in the most painful recollection of all. A gauntleted hand caressed the most unsightly scar on his face.
"Like you and Vido?" asked Kenneth. The words slipped out before any semblance of common sense could restrain them.
Zaeed's lopsided eyes snapped towards him and widened, making Kenneth contemplate smashing open the window, leaping out and holding his breath until he reached the nearest atmosphere. He fancied his chances better that way.
Shit, he thought, I've touched a nerve.
Zaeed stiffened and he stroked his armour's built-in holster, still not taking those eyes off him. The holster was empty but Kenneth found the gesture provocative enough.
I've squeezed a nerve!
Zaeed marched towards him.
I've danced the fucking Macarena on a nerve!
"Yeah, that's right," whispered Zaeed. They were almost nose-to-nose. "Like me and Vido. I may have wanted to kill the son of a bitch, and yeah, I admit it; I'm glad Shepard talked me out of it. But with Vido dead or alive, my biggest regret was walking around with a chip on my shoulder for twenty goddamn years and letting it control everything."
He spat on the floor. "It was a choice between putting a bullet in him and realising I had let myself reach the point where I had nothing else left to live for, or letting him go and saving a whole refinery thanks to the one man who made me realise that there are better things to pursue than credits and revenge. Not all of us get a chance to meet someone like Shepard. And not all of us get a chance with someone like Gab. Now I'm not gonna force you into this, you're a big boy now. I'm not gonna shoot you if you don't make the bloody move-"
Kenneth furiously fought the urge to let out a massive sigh of relief that would probably send Zaeed flying away from him.
"But don't you dare moan for the next two decades if you chicken out of happiness now. Can't say I didn't tell ya, we'll leave it at that."
Zaeed backed off and gave the momentarily stunned Kenneth a chance to consider this. The Scotsman stared at the floor.
"Deep," Kenneth muttered with an impressed raise of his eyebrows.
"Don't look so shocked!" snapped Zaeed, though he was actually smiling now. "Now piss off. I gotta find that old Monopoly box." He shuffled towards the largest crate and began rummaging around inside it.
"Don't thank me!" he added, as if reading minds was another learned mercenary skill. "Just remember what I said. Man up, take it or leave it."
Kenneth nodded and left without another word. Even if he'd bothered bringing up the Perugia, Zaeed would never consider 'missing the perfect moment' an adequate excuse. He was grateful for the old man's efforts and needed no convincing that someone like Gabby would make some man very, very happy one day; he just wasn't sure that man was him. She deserved so much more. Then again, would it really be so harmful to pursue a wild shot in the dark? How else would he know? If he was proven wrong and she didn't reciprocate, all he had to do was endure several months of awkward, silent suicide mission work hoping not to survive the final battle and then if he survived, get a Cerberus transfer to the arse-end of nowhere where he would never have to look her in the face again. If he was proven right and she did reciprocate then they could finally...
There was still so much to consider. He'd been through too much today; pissing off Gabby and Garrus, looking unprofessional in front of Shepard, giving Hawthorne, Hadley, Matthews and Goldstein enough gossip ammunition to last a year, alerting Kasumi and Kelly to feelings he would rather keep hidden. And then there was that madman and his krogan sidekick, when had this become a ship-wide intervention? And why would Zaeed want to teach Grunt how to choke a man to death with a Monopoly piece when krogan have perfectly good hands for the job?
Normandy SR-2, Engineering Deck, Engine Room
"What did Mad-Eye Massani want?" Gabby inquired as she stopped pretending to type. Kenneth had just entered the room looking like a man readying himself for the firing squad. He stopped and stared.
This was getting silly. She'd overreacted to a sincere, protective, older brother-like gesture just because it happened to have come from a witty, loyal yet unobtainable man and now the whole SR-2 was in uproar. He still wasn't completely off the hook for his childishness, but at least now she understood why he'd confronted Garrus in such a harsh way. She'd taken part in a shouting match with most of the ship watching and then acted like a bitch when he'd tried to apologise. All because some stupid rumour had almost revealed her sad little crush.
Damn scuttlebutt. I'll kill Matthews if I find out this was his doing again.
With a stab of guilt, Gabby realised that he must have apologised to Shepard and Garrus by now and she still hadn't allowed him to do the same to her so they could put a pin on this debacle and move on. No wonder he looked so tense.
Kenneth pulled a strange face; equal parts amused at her quip and surprised at her willingness to instigate conversation.
"Air conditioning," he said. "Gardener's upstairs cooking so he wasn't available to...you know." His voice trailed off, but he felt that it had been a convincing enough lie. He remained motionless, waiting for her approval to further the conversation.
Gabby knew she needed to help relieve the tension somehow before normality could resume. Good old normality where they could pass the time with worn-out sci fi and fantasy RPG jokes along with the occasional bout of engine-based light flirting, all the while pretending nothing had happened on the Perugia. Maybe that was what she'd have to do with this latest incident; just give it the 'Perugia treatment.'
"Bounty hunters!" Kenneth suddenly snarled in the best English accent he was capable of projecting. "We don't need their scum!"
A smile crossed her tired features. Ken duplicated it and walked to his own terminal. From the corner of her eye she could see that his typing was every bit as fake as hers. He'd been gone only a little while but Gabby's time in here, sobbing like a teenager had been the loneliest of her life. Kelly may have spent little time on this deck with them but her words were solid. Gabby could never hate him no matter how hard she tried.
"Gab," he croaked, holding her gaze even in the corner of her eye. "I'm sorry." He had never sounded more sincere, more regretful.
"It's alright," she whispered, voice lowered by the rush of warm relief flooding through her. The swirling colours of the Drive Core were beautiful again; they almost lived up to his smile. An impulse of momentary madness seized her and everything repressed for the last two years fought against their restraints like caged dogs.
Maybe he does feel something, maybe Kelly was suggesting what you think she was suggesting. Quit stalling! Take the damn shot in the dark already girl! How else will you know?
She turned her whole body towards him and took a deep breath.
"Dinnertime! C'mon everybody!" chirped Kelly over the intercom.
Gabby's face burned and the impulse sank back behind its veil of fear and hesitancy. Kenneth looked equally pissed at the announcement. Facing the crew would be a nightmare, but the duo left the Engine Room knowing that with their differences resolved it would now at least be a bearable nightmare.
They joined Zaeed in the elevator and started up their well-practiced routine of avoiding his creepy, wandering eyes. Zaeed was holding a tattered black and orange cardboard box but Gabby didn't raise the subject. She didn't want to end up fitting in it, and Kenneth seemed especially jittery. But then again Gabby wouldn't have been surprised if the air conditioning that her friend had seen to was maintaining a collection of severed heads and pirated krogan testicles.
Normandy SR-2, Deck 3, Mess Hall
Kelly may have been a people person, but there was nothing ordinary about the Normandy SR2's people. She had insisted on timetabled mealtimes seating as many off-duty crewmembers as possible. After some insistent persuasion, Shepard agreed to allow this in the name of morale. Though whether it was to help or hinder morale was still something of a mystery to many.
Kelly's intentions were always honourable and her optimism plentiful, but even the best nuggets of wisdom taken from her psychology course did little to prevent the day-in-day-out volatility of breakfast, lunch and dinner on the SR-2. Jack had yet to attend a single one, Mordin's one hour of sleep, high work-ethic and minimal food intake made social interaction difficult and Miranda had shut herself in her office for every meal since Grunt had crushed Jacob's hand in a game of Irish Snap a fortnight ago. She'd seen Jacob soak up plenty of injuries during their operations together, but didn't appreciate having chilli sauce splashed in her eyes while it happened. That and Shepard's one-man drinking marathon to test his upgrades had sent her packing from any of Kelly's crew-bonding initiatives. Even Joker preferred eating at the helm while arguing with EDI over sanitation rules these days.
Gabby, Ken and Zaeed arrived to find Kasumi, Kelly, Jacob, Shepard, Garrus, Patel, Rolston, Grunt and worst of all; Hawthorne and Hadley (dubbed the 'Glorified Fratboys' by Miranda) seated and eating. Zaeed held up the tattered box and he and Grunt walked over to a smaller table in the room's far corner where they re-assembled the surface to accommodate food trays and a game of Monopoly: Omega Edition.
Rolston and Patel ceased their quiet chatting to offer Gabby and Ken polite, if rather patronising smiles as the engineering duo joined the table. They hoped the others would leave them alone and focus on their own eccentricities. A momentary scan of the table gave some positive signs. Kelly seemed to consider a moment she wasn't draped around Shepard a moment wasted, Kasumi was making Jacob very uncomfortable under the intensity of her gaze, Garrus nodded to them and did nothing for the next few minutes but poke at his food trying to instigate conversation with Shepard, which was proving difficult for the Commander with Kelly always nipping at his ear.
Hawthorne and Hadley on the other hand looked as though Christmas had come early this year. Thank goodness Goldstein and Matthews were still on duty, it would've been a massacre.
"I say, Hadley?" Hawthorne said in a loud, ostentatious voice to the smirking man sat beside him.
"What is it, my good chum Mr. Hawthorne?" responded Hadley in a manner just as cartoonish.
"I'm currently writing a splendid book on nineteen seventies glam rock bands and cosmetics!" boomed Hawthorne.
Everyone stared at the two men nonplussed, but Gabby and Ken were the first to figure out where this was going. They had no idea what exactly the punch line would be, but it was on its way.
"Really?" said Hadley. "How fascinating! What's it called?"
Gabby closed her eyes and braced herself. Kenneth pretended to be too fixated on his baked potato to listen. What was it with this crew and all the late twentieth century references?
"It's called KISS and makeup! And it's about-"
"So Garrus!" Shepard said forcefully. Hawthorne and Hadley looked disappointed to have their fun cut short but weren't about to cross the Commander. "There's one thing you never explained to me. Why were you only given fifteen hours to investigate Saren?"
Garrus set down his spoon and laughed. "Actually, it's a pretty funny story. You see, I had just-"
"Scuse me!" Kenneth groaned. He leapt to his feet and ran to the bathroom clutching his stomach. Zaeed wasn't kidding about the rifle polish.
Awkward silence reared its ugly head again.
"Don't mind him," Zaeed growled from the corner. "Accidentally ingested some of my rifle polish earlier. Makes 'em get a bit edgy."
At this, Gabby's embarrassment was overridden by fear. Was Kenneth alright? What on earth had happened in Zaeed's quarters?
From the other side of the room Grunt set down his ladle and examined the small card in his hand.
For pinching Aria's backside you have your teeth removed and two limbs broken. Miss a turn.
"Dammit!" he yelled, making every seated crewmember that had not seen combat jump. "When will this thing pick up in my favour?"
Zaeed just chuckled and swept up a handful of paper credit chits as Hadley followed his friend's example by making a second attempt to milk this situation for all it was worth.
"So, I'm on the extranet reading this Star Trek fanfiction about Scotty and some chick he knew at Academy, and it suddenly occurred to me that-"
"What're you teaching him this time Zaeed?" Shepard asked, interrupting what would have been a strangely accurate joke and pausing one of Kelly's aggressive games of footsie.
"Constant vigilance?" Rolston muttered, much to the amusement of the table.
"Don't get cute kid!" Zaeed roared, brandishing a fork maliciously. Rolston cowered just like Kenneth had and Zaeed's roughly-shaped head swivelled back to the Commander. He wondered if every man in Cerberus reacted the same to insincere threats. "To answer your question Shepard, this is the Omega edition of that Monopoly chestnut. Picked it up back in the late sixties from this sneaky salarian bootlegger who..."
Gabby appreciated Shepard's attempts to keep the conversation off of the five ton elephant in the room. One only needed to ask Zaeed a simple question to get a long, macabre story out of him. Her mind was still a terribly disorganised mass of emotions, memories and failed attempts to rationalise everything. She just wanted to call it a day, go to sleep, dream of an alternative Battle of the Citadel aftermath and carry on with the old routine. There was still so much to consider.
But EDI's message changed the surreal tone of the evening.
"Commander, the Illusive Man wishes to speak with you immediately regarding a potential Collector attack."
Everyone rose and returned to their stations as if waking from a long sleep. Sometimes it was easy to forget the serious demands of a suicide mission and get lost in all the craziness that it gave birth to.
Kasumi ignored the sudden, panicked mobilisation of the people around her, remaining calm, dignified and seated, finishing her ramen. She'd had her fill of Jacob-staring for the day and was disappointed in Kelly for failing to spot the tracking device which was now back in the hands of its owner.
I overestimated you Kelly. A pity, I finally thought I'd encountered some worthy competition. Badly-timed heartfelt speeches aren't going to cut it with those two honey.
With any luck, she'd spot the distraction device that was now planted just beneath her badge and then the real fun could begin.
Normandy SR-2, Deck 2, CIC
Kasumi was pleased to find Kelly's terminal unguarded. The redhead had rushed off the elevator back onto the third deck asking for a change of clothes due to a coffee stain on the front of her shirt. This was particularly odd considering she hadn't noticed anyone spilling it on her, and she had been careful enough with her own beverages despite sharing numerous and eager bouts of fondling with the Commander. The yeoman hadn't even noticed the large brown spot until she'd headed back to her station. It was almost as if her Cerberus personnel badge had been leaking.
Shepard was no doubt in the conference room discussing this alert with the Illusive Man in raised voices. EDI was transmitting Horizon's location to Joker and everyone else was too absorbed in their own work to notice the hooded Japanese woman vanishing under a tactical cloak and hacking into Kelly's psych reports.
Ugh, when's she gonna get rid of that KellyGrrl username?
The master thief let out a small but triumphant noise when the desired information came up, accompanied by a large and telling image gallery.
They served on the Perugia together huh? Awwwww look how happy they were! I wonder what I can make of this.
Credit goes to Stormy-B for the Zaeed double date idea.