Chapter 4: Untruths
(Jimmy)
He awoke with a start, feeling troubled about something but forgetting what. Then awareness came over him and he thought of Lou, who had not come back from her run that afternoon as scheduled.
He turned on his bunk and sighed with relief when he saw her slight form outlined beneath the mountain of blankets she insisted upon in the winter. He often wondered how she breathed.
It had been a tense afternoon. Kid had been his typical nervous nelly self about her failure to show up early, but as the hours wore on, Jimmy could not deny the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
When Kid had suggested riding out to look for her, Jimmy had been of a mind to agree to ride with him.
Teaspoon had told them, "Boys I know you worry over Lou but you got to give her space to do her job. And you got to do yours. Which means you can't spend your down time going after her when there ain't no reason in the world to assume something is wrong. Delays ain't a cause for worry."
"But Teaspoon…" Kid protested.
"Lou can handle herself." Teaspoon interrupted him.
It was Buck who spoke up then, "None of us would argue that...It's just with Lou there are different consequences to her getting in trouble than the rest of us."
Teaspoon nodded and sighed. "Don't think for a minute that I don't know it and that it don't keep me awake at night from time to time. But I trained that girl myself, same as I trained you boys...mostly cause I didn't know any better. But she is either one of us...or she ain't. And I thought we agreed she was."
"Teaspoon she is...it's just that she is so small and she don't look like a boy no more," Cody murmured, "Someone catches her, she can't fight off a big man, much less a group of them."
"Boys, do you want Lou to stay on here or not?" Teaspoon finally asked.
"What kind of question is that Teaspoon?" Jimmy growled.
"Course we do. She's one of us!" Cody insisted.
"Then you're gonna have to learn to let that girl do her job. For one thing, she's damn good at it. For another, she has already agreed to some things to keep herself safe, like not staying overnight at other stations. But you all keep fussing over her and you're gonna make her doubt herself. And that's more dangerous for her than anything else out there. You understand me?"
Jimmy felt a pang of guilt, remembering the hurt on her face when he told her he wanted to take her run. Making her doubt herself was exactly what he had done.
Uneasy with worry, he had said nothing further about going after her even as evening became night and it was time to go to bed with no sign of her on the horizon.
Now, seeing her in her bunk, Jimmy sighed in relief. At least she was home and they hadn't made matters worse by riding after her.
As usual, Teaspoon was right. Jimmy was only marginally annoyed to realize that, so great was his relief to have her home safe from Johnson's Station. He'd had such a rotten feeling about her taking that ride.
His relief turned to scrutiny when he heard her murmur in her sleep and toss about restlessly. She sounded distressed.
He would never have admitted it to the others, and if he had it would have earned him a black eye from Kid, but he sometimes liked to watch her sleep when rest eluded him. She usually slept still and easy, curled on her side with the blankets pulled up to her ears and her hand curled under her chin. Her lashes were long enough to cast shadows in the firelight. He liked the look of her sleeping peacefully, she rarely let her guard down in her waking hours. He thought she looked beautiful with her worries smoothed away from her expressive brow.
Tonight though, there was nothing peaceful about her.
She lurched in the bed and turned towards Jimmy. His breath caught in a rough gasp. He dared hope it was just a shadow he saw on her face but he didn't think so. He swung his feet over the side of the bed and jumped down abruptly.
Cody stirred and mumbled, "s'wrong?"
"Go back to sleep, Billy," Jimmy muttered but did not look away from Lou who had cried out softly in her distress and turned her head back toward the wall.
He moved toward her. She was becoming more agitated, tossing her head from side to side as if trying to escape something.
"Jimmy, don't," Buck warned in a low voice from across the room about the time Jimmy reached up and put a hand against Lou's unbruised cheek to rouse her.
The result was chaos.
Lou let loose a scream unlike any sound he'd ever heard come from her. It was a sound caught between fury and agony and it bounced around the bunkhouse in painfully shrill echoes. Jimmy leapt back as if he had been burned at the same time Kid launched himself out of the lower bunk and at Jimmy's torso, mindlessly protecting Lou. They both crashed to the floor as curses and commotion erupted all over the bunkhouse.
The boys stumbled about, most of them just coming to full waking, their guns in hand as they tried to locate the source of the blood-chilling scream that had roused them from dreams.
Jimmy had managed to dodge two blows from the Kid, who sat on him, swinging into consciousness, but the third caught him square in the mouth.
"Damn it Kid, it's me!" Jimmy growled, using all his force to roll Kid off of him. "Get off!"
In the confusion that followed, there was a moment when everyone forgot about the source of the disturbance in the first place. But Ike furiously beat his fist on the table in the middle of the room and when he had their attention made the sign that meant Lou and pointed at the bunkhouse door.
Jimmy scrambled to his feet and was first out the door, with the other boys following in groggy confusion.
He wasn't prepared to find her sitting on the stairs, doubled over, head almost between her knees, gasping for air. Her shoulders heaved as if with silent sobs and as he watched her she yanked both hands through her hair and clutched fistfuls of it, as if she were anchoring herself there.
Jimmy dropped into a crouch beside her. When he put a gentle hand on her shoulder she yelped and flinched away as if he had hurt her with the light touch. Feeling sick with worry, Jimmy dropped his hand immediately and backed away. He walked down the steps and stood in front of her instead, nearly eye level with her but with the distance of the steps between them. She did not pick up her head.
Kid lowered himself onto the step cautiously at her side, but having seen her reaction to Jimmy did not try to touch her. He sat at an arm's length and watched her, and Jimmy saw that the color had fled from his face. Ike sat at her other side like a silent sentinel while the rest of the boys fanned across the porch, looking nervously at Lou who seemed to be trying to curl herself into a small enough ball to disappear altogether.
They all stood in silent support for her for long minutes with no sound apart from her hitching breaths as she fought for control.
"Lou?" Kid tried cautiously to get her attention.
Finally she picked her head up. Jimmy from directly in front of her and Kid sitting on her left side had the first full view of her bruised face in the low light from the porch lanterns they had left burning for her.
Jimmy met Kid's gaze briefly before both of them looked back to Lou. Tears made shiny tracks down her pale face, and nearly the entire side of her face was marred by an angry purple bruise that looked like someone had caught her with a powerful blow.
Kid spoke first, his voice gentler than Jimmy's would have been at the moment. "Lou, what happened?"
"I...it was a bad dream. I just had a bad dream. I-I'm sorry I woke y'all but you should go back to-"
"To your face, Lou. He means what happened to your face. Who did that to you?" Jimmy interrupted her, and he tried to make his voice easy like Kid's but he heard the hard edge to it and so did Lou.
She turned liquid brown eyes to his for a moment and he saw fear plain as day in her stare and then she lowered her lashes and her gaze slid away and Jimmy knew in that moment she was going to lie to them. To him.
"Relay horse flung her head up and popped me in the face. I was leaning forward and she spooked."
Jimmy wondered if the others felt the rehearsed nature of that response or if he was just overly committed to the idea she was lying about what happened.
"Why were you so late?" Cody wondered from behind them. "We was worried."
"Just wasn't feeling well this morning. Got a late start out of Willow Springs and didn't push it too fast coming home."
"Lou, you really alright? Ain't ever known you to have a nightmare like that," Noah persisted.
Jimmy watched Lou's gaze find Buck's, and in return Buck met her eyes steadily but without challenge. Whatever secret he knew, his nature meant he wasn't likely to disagree with whatever she was going to say next, Jimmy knew. He also knew it was likely to be another lie.
"Me neither. Dreamed I was riding against a prairie fire and it was about to overtake me. Expect the idea got put in my head overhearing some old timers talk about it at the hotel restaurant yesterday. I dreamed I was getting burned up."
Jimmy met Kid's eyes again and he noticed Kid looked as skeptical as he felt.
"Look, boys, I am fine. Just shook up by that dream. I am sorry to have woken y'all but can I just have some time to collect myself? Alone?"
"You sure you are all right?" Buck asked and Jimmy watched as another long look passed between them.
"Sure," Lou nodded and Jimmy saw when her eyes again slid away from Buck's; she was unable to hold his stare.
To have fooled so many with her deception about her identity, Jimmy thought she was the worst liar he had ever met.
The boys filed back inside. Kid watched her for a beat longer and then with a sigh, got up and left her there on the step. Jimmy set his foot on the bottom step and leaned forward. Her eyes flicked over him nervously when she realized he was staying put. She glanced away, but her gaze came back to rest warily on his face as he spoke.
"Have any trouble at Johnson's Station?"
She shook her head, meeting his eyes with something like defiance, lips pressed into a thin line.
"What about Danny?" Jimmy pushed her, his stare offering her no quarter. He saw surprise flash across her face at the name, saw her swallow hard.
"Out on a ride. Didn't see him," she finally shrugged, looking just past him.
"Uh-huh," Jimmy muttered back. "Lou, why do I get the feeling that every word out of your mouth tonight has been a lie? What's wrong with you?"
Her eyes snapped to his, a flush of anger coming fully into her face. "You about stop my heart creeping up on me when I'm sleeping and then you think you got the right to interrogate me? What the Hell is wrong with you!"
He was glad to see some fight in her, she seemed a bit more herself that way, but he wasn't letting go of his worry that easily.
"Never known you to let a horse knock you in the face, Lou," he began.
"Yeah, well, we all make mistakes sometimes, Jimmy."
"Not around horses you don't. Not ever, Lou. So you must've been pretty distracted to let that happen...why?"
"Damn it, Jimmy, why can't you just leave me alone!" Her eyes brimmed with furious tears, and then spilled over.
Jimmy was instantly contrite, and gentled his voice. "I'm worried about you. You don't seem like yourself right now and I get the feeling something happened you ain't talking about."
"I had a bad day, Jimmy, all right? And I need five damned minutes to myself to sort through it without 10,000 questions about everything under the sun from the lot of you."
"Lou...you know if you ain't fine, that'd be alright, don't ya? You know you're allowed to ask for help if you need it, right? Hell, we've all been in enough trouble we ain't no strangers to it."
"Leave me alone, Jimmy," she whispered, and he heard the emotion rising in her throat and knew she was near to losing her control in front of him. He also knew she wouldn't go easy on herself if she did so.
"All right, Lou. I'm here...we all are...if you need us."
He left her there, reluctantly, glancing back once to look at her before going inside. She'd dropped her head back into her hands, clutching at her hair again. It took everything in him to leave her there all alone while he went into the bunkhouse, even though it was what she had asked for.
Kid was on his feet, most of the others still sitting up on their bunks.
"She's lying," Kid said with certainty to Jimmy the moment the door was closed again.
Jimmy nodded, "Sure as hell is. But she ain't ready to talk about whatever it is that really left that mark on her face."
"Give her some space," Buck suggested. "She knows she can come to us if she needs help."
"Wish I was sure of that, Buck," Jimmy murmured. "I think she's got it in her head that we all doubt
her...I'm afraid she thinks coming to us for help would just make it worse. And I don't know how to convince her otherwise right now. Not after all that's happened. We did a number on her when we left her behind to get Amanda."
Kid's eyes flashed to Jimmy's, but he hadn't meant it as an accusation. It had been a point of contention between them that had ended in blows regarding Lou. Kid had wanted her to stay away from the onset, Jimmy had wanted her to come with them after the Pike brothers.
Kid sighed finally and relented, "You're right about that. We should never have done that to her. I shouldn't have."
"She'll be fine. It's Lou," Cody finally shrugged, easing back on his bunk as the tension in the room lightened with Kid's admission. "She is the toughest one of the lot of us. Let's get some sleep. It'll be sun up before we know it and she's safe enough right now."
It was a good point.
Still, Jimmy lay awake until the door opened and she crept back in, silent in her sock feet. Most of the others had drifted back to sleep. He lowered his lashes, letting her think he was asleep too, not wanting her to know he'd waited up for her.
When she put a foot on Kid's bunk to step up to hers, Kid sat up, having waited up too.
He said her name softly, and reached out to put a hand on her ankle, halting her progress. She stepped back down to the floor and stood before him, docile. Jimmy knew the conversation that followed was not for his ears, but he couldn't help but listen to their low voices.
"Lou, can we talk for a minute?" Kid asked softly.
"Sure, Kid," Lou murmured but declined to sit when Kid indicated the spot on the bunk beside him.
"Lou...leaving you behind when we went after Amanda...we shouldn't have. I shouldn't have. It was my idea, Lou. Mine. And the others, they tried to talk me out of it. I'm sorry. I had no right asking them to leave you behind. I want you to know that it was about me...not you."
Jimmy watched Lou's face in profile as she studied the fire and absorbed Kid's confession. He would have expected her to get riled at Kid, but she seemed distracted, like the meaning of Kid's confession had not soaked into her consciousness.
When she did not respond, Kid reached out and touched her hand to get her attention. Reluctantly Lou's head swiveled back toward Kid. "Lou...this nightmare you had tonight...it seemed like the one you had at Redfern station, after you and me, you know...were...together." Jimmy couldn't see, but he imagined Kid's ears had gone bright red. Hell, he felt like his own cheeks might have gotten hot.
Every one of them had known what had happened when Kid and Lou went to Redfern together. Jimmy wondered what he meant about the nightmares she'd had after they had danced, as they'd called it delicately, all those months ago.
Jimmy saw her straighten in surprise, gathered she hadn't realized Kid had noticed her nightmare or that she had not realized she'd had one at all. She took a moment, was silent as she pondered that.
"Look, I'm tired, Kid, so if there ain't nothing else..." she said dismissively, her voice raw and her eyes overbright from tears in the firelight.
"Lou, I know I messed up a lot of things...know I did a lot wrong, but Lou, I still care about you, and if you need help, I want to help you. Do you need help, Lou?"
"Course not," Lou murmured. Jimmy watched how she crossed her arms over her body, as if she were holding herself together.
"Lou…" Kid began again, looking lost, but Lou interrupted him, holding up her hands in something like surrender, "Please, Kid, I'm so tired...I just want to sleep now."
Kid sighed, eyes on her face. Jimmy couldn't see her expression, but Kid's was full of concern as he moved back so that she could step on his bunk to get to her own.
Jimmy though, noted, as tired as she claimed to be, that she didn't sleep another wink the rest of the night.
Neither did he.