Gamer4 in. Naturally, I finally fix the caps key, and now everything is in italics. Just a sec. A tweak here, a tweak there, okay, we're good. I've got to get someone in here to look at this piece of junk. Anyways, let's just get started on the fourth chapter.

Disclaimer: AAARRRGGGHHH!

Chapter IV

Lord of the Keys: Fellowship of the Plumber

BANG!

Bill shot bolt upright, shouting, "I'm innocent!" and falling back asleep immediately. John and Kate burst in, John carrying a rifle he'd presumably bought during his psychotic breakdown, and John shouted, "Who's there?"

Silence, and then-

SMASH!

The door broke down and in rushed something that Mario had never expected to see in his whole life: a gigantic left hand inside a glove.

"Sorries!" it said, and it picked up the door and slammed it back into the frame. "Yous got anyting to drink? It not an easy trip."

Bill woke up at this point, and, on catching sight of the hand, rushed back to his parents.

Looking around, the hand seemed to catch on to something. "Oh, you scared? Master Hand say you might be, I better start as human, but I get here quicker tis way. Jus sec-" There was a flash of light, and the hand was suddenly replaced by a large man wearing a gray jacket and a white glove on his left hand. Looking around, he sat on the abandoned sofa. "Sorries about teh scare. But teh letters no get to Marios, so Mater Hand send me to make sure it gets here tis time." Looking around, he caught sight of Mario. "An here teh guy!" he said happily. "I no sees you since you a baby! Master Hand- he my brudda (well, half-brudda, same daddy, different mom)- Master Hand tell me tat it wasn't good-bye for good. He said to me, 'Crazy,' he said- he always call me Crazy- 'Crazy,' he say, 'it not good-bye forever, you see him again before you knows it.' And here you is, and here I is."

No one had spoken once through this little rant. Finally, John seemed to gather his courage. "I demand that you leave now!" he said, pointing the gun at the man on the couch. "You are breaking in, and I am within my rights to-"

"Ah, lighten up, stick in teh mud!" the former hand said. He jumped up, grabbed the gun, broke it in half, and tossed the pieces to the sides. John made a sound that the others couldn't exactly identify.

The man turned back to Mario. "Oh, almost forget. If you not notice yet, I not exactly the sanest ting ever. Anyway, happy birtday! I makes dis for yous!" he said, holding out a box he'd taken from one of the pockets on his jacket. Mario opened it. It was a chocolate cake with the words Hapee birthday Mario in purple letters.

Mario looked up, intending to say thank you, but he forgot before he opened his mouth and instead said, "Who are you?"

"Oh, I not introduce myself? Sorries. Whereyour manners, Crazy? Just in case you not notice, I not teh sanest thing ever. Anyway, I Hand! Crazy Hand!" He extended his left hand and shook Mario's hand happily, not noticing he had hold of him up to his elbow.

"So, yous got tea, or someting likes dat? I wouldn't say nos to, say, Mountain Dew if you got it."

It was here that Crazy noticed the empty fireplace. "Hard time getting a fire, eh?" he asked. He raised his left hand. Suddenly, there was a fireball there, which he threw into the grate. Within seconds, it was blazing like a bonfire. "Neat trick, huh?" Crazy asked of thin air. He sat down on the sofa, and began extracting things from his pockets, including a pan, some sausage, eggs, bacon, a spatula, a teapot, several mugs, and some sort of fizzy green drink that he took a gulp from before he got started. He produced a few sausages, two eggs, and a couple pieces of bacon that he slide onto a plate that he handed to Mario.

Mario hadn't tasted anything as good in a while, but he still wasn't sure about the former hand. Finally, he spoke. "Well, Crazy?" Crazy turned and looked at him. "I'm still not completely sure who you are."

"I teh Crazy Hand. You call me Crazy. Everyone does. It all teh same to mes. Iz teh wildlife manajer and outdoor caretaker at teh Smash Mansion, home of teh Smash Brudders. You knows all about tem, of course."

"Sorry, no," Mario said.

Crazy turned to him, laughing. "Of coursy you knows them. I mean, where else would you mommys and papa learn it all?"

"All what?" Mario asked, bewildered.

"It even funnier teh second time!" Crazy said. "I means, I knows you not get you letters, but yeh must know about teh Smash Bros. I saw Matter Hand leave a letter to explain it alls, so unless teh Smithies not tell you about it, you must know!"

"Know what? They never told me anything."

"They... they not tell you?" Crazy asked, looking bewildered for a second. "They not tell you?" Suddenly, the hand jumped up and turned on the Smiths. "You not tell him? I right with Master Hand when he leave teh letters! You no try telling me you not know! You telling me dat this boy not know nuting?"

"Hey!" Mario said indignantly. "I know stuff. Check my grades, they're A's for a start."

"Nah, not tat kind of stuff! I mean about my world! Yer world! Yer parent's world!"

"What world are you talking about!"

"SMITHS!" Crazy shouted, jumping up. He turned to Mario. "But you famous! You parents famous too! How you not know?"

"I didn't think my mom and dad were famous," Mario confessed.

Crazy finally seemed to calm down. Sitting down again, he said, "Well, I no able to change the past. But it time you know."

"NO! STOP!" Uncle John said. "I refuse to let you-"

"STOP!" Crazy bellowed. "I still no believe you hide it from him all these years!"

"What were they hiding from me?" Mario asked, looking at him desperately.

"DON'T TELL HIM!" Smith shouted.

"Ah, go hammer a Pikachu, all of yehs," Crazy said, turning to Mario. "Mario, yous a smasher."

"A what?" Mario asked, taken aback.

"A smashers, of course!" Crazy said. "What else could yehs possibly be, with yous parents? Now, it time for me to do what Master Hand told mehs to do." He pulled a letter, exactly like the others, and handed it to Mario. Looking at the back, he saw the coat of arms once again. Turning it over, he saw the address: Mario Mario, the floor on the West side of the room, Old-miserable-shack, the sea. At last, he opened it, unfolded the paper inside, and read:

Super Smash Bros.

School of Smashing

Headmaster: Master Hand

(Leader of the High Court, Winner of the medal of honor, nationally recognized final boss.)

Dear Mario Mario

We are more than pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at the smash bros. School of smashers. Enclosed is a list of all conceivably necessary equipment, clothing, books, and other miscellanea.

We look forward to September 1st, when term begins. We await your letter by no later than July 31st.

Yours sincerely,

Samus Aran

samus aran,

Vice headmistress

Below this was the symbol that was at the center of the coat of arms. Mario turned, trembling, to the Crazy Hand. "What does it mean, they await my letter?"

"Oh, almost forgot!" Crazy said, pulling stuff from his pockets again. This time, he produced a piece of paper, a pen, and bird of some kind with a long beak and white feathers that was still alive, and wrote a letter on it as follow:

Dear Master Handies:

gots mario his letter. Iz get him his stuff on teh morrows. Weather possibly better in hurricane antony. Hope everyting alright back home.

Crazy

He then tied this letter to the bird, took it to the window, and threw it out. He then sat down, like this was completely normal. "He a good albatross. He find teh Mater Hand."

"He's... not... going," John said, jumping up. Crazy gave a small laugh.

"Just tries to stop him if he wantses. I dares you."

"We swore we'd stop it when we took him in!" John bellowed.

"You knew?" Mario asked, standing.

"Of course we ****ing knew!" Kate shouted, standing. "How could you not be, my ****ing sister being what she was? She went to the same place, you know. She'd come back every summer, exhibiting her wonderful "gifts!" Somehow, I was the only one who saw her for the **** that she was!"

As she stopped to catch her breath, everyone gaped, open-mouthed, at her. Even John and Bill hadn't heard these particular words come from her before. "Then she met that ****er at school, and they had you, and we knew you'd be just the same! Then, they finally got what they deserved. They went and got themselves blown up, but we got stuck with you!"

Mario was feeling rage coursing through him. "Blown up?" he shouted. "You told me that they died when the house got burned down!"

"A house burning?" Crazy shouted. "Sarah and Jake Mario couldn't be killed by a house burning! This teh biggest cover-up since Watergate! Mario Mario doesn't know his own story? Tis a crime against nature!"

"What is my story?" Mario asked, turning to the hand.

Crazy looked suddenly nervous. "Oh, boys," he said. "Oh, I not know if Iz teh right guy to tell yeh." He seemed to be attempting to talk himself into something. "Well, someone's gots teh. It be a scandal you not know already, it even worse you go to the Smash Bros. not knowing..."

Finally, he seemed to come to a decision. "Wells, I tells ye as much as I can. Now, furst ting you needs to know is dis: not all smashers good. Tere was one a few years back dat went as bad as it possible to go, then kept goin. His name was... um... his name was... oh, I no wants to say it."

"Maybe you can write it down."

"I can't, I no know how to spell it. His name was... alright, Tabuu."

"Tabuu?"

"Ay!" Crazy said, jumping at the name. "Ay, no one in teh smasher world likes heering tat name. Anyways, a few years back, he start looking for followers. He gets tem, too. He had a way of gettings people to listen to hims. Naturally, there were rebels- an' he killed dem. He killed dem dead. Dat worse. Da Master Hand probably teh only guy he afraid of, and no one blame him.

"Yous parents were two of teh best smashers I ever sees. Da real mystery ish why he never tried to take care of dem before, one way or anudder. But at any rates, he turn up in Gem Heights, where yous was living, and- well, you figures out teh rest," he said, shaking slightly with sadness. "Da real mystery is dis," he finally said, getting control of himself. "He tried to bump yehs off too. No one knows why. But hes couldn't. It failed and backfired. He even disappeared after dat, which no hurt yous popularity."

"What happened to him?" Mario asked.

"I no knows. No one does. Some say he deads. Bubkiss, in mies opinion. I no tink he had enough humanity in him teh die. He probably out dare somewhere. Still out dere somewhere, but too tired to keep goins. Someting about you finished him, alrights."

"Load of B.S.!" John said. Mario jumped, having forgotten the presence of the Smiths. "I've told you already, he won't be going. Don't think we don't know what he needs for that school. I won't pay for it, I tell you!"

"And I already tells you, if he wants to go, a muggle like you no stop him! His name been down since he born! He be under teh greatest headmaster tey ever see, the Master Han-"

"I won't pay for some crack-taking fool to teach him this madness!" John shouted.

Suddenly, Crazy's voice became dangerous. "Dat it, Smith. Yous can insult me, but nobody insults teh Master Hand in front of me. Madness? THIS... ISH... SMASH BROS.!" He raised his hand again, and brought it down to point at Bill. There was a flash of light, and when it cleared, they could see Bill had a turkey's tail. John roared with rage, took his son and wife, and fled into the next room.

Crazy stepped back. "I shouldnta got so angry. Ah well, it no work anyways. I was going for teh whole nine yards." Looking briefly at Mario, he added, "Would yous mind not mentioning tat to anyone at teh Smash Bros.? Technically, I no allowed to do dat kind of stuff."

"Why not?"

"Ah, I gets kicked out, to tells teh truth. Fourth year."

"What happened?"

"Oh, look at teh time!" Crazy said. "Wow, it was midnights when I get here! It time to hit teh hay. Here," he added, taking off his jacket and tossing it to him. "Sleeps under dat. Don't minds if it twitches a bit, I mights still have an albatross somewhere in dere."

XXXX

Well, it was requested that there be some sort of divider between the end of the chapter and the after-chapter notes, so from now on, it will be marked by the usual four X's in italics. Hopefully, this suits you. Thanks to all of you who are reviewing, it means a lot. Please R&R, constructive criticism is fine, flames are bad, Gamer4 out.