I own nothing. Wow, I'm starting hate myself for what I'm putting Sam through. Oh well, it will get better. Just not yet. Hehe. Enjoy!
Good morning Sam.
"Hey Cas," I said drinking my coffee.
Dean looked up from the paper and gave me a confused look. Tapping the side of my head I rolled my eyes. Dean smirked and went back to reading the paper. He thought it was funny having Cas in my head whenever he wanted.
What did you do with those pills?
"They're still in the car," I said sighing, "If you don't remember they're prescribed to me."
Then why hide them from Dean?
"Because Dean likes to worry," I said smiling when Dean looked up again.
"What's prescribed to you?" Dean asked cocking an eyebrow.
"Some migraine meds," I said calmly, "I got them last year."
"Oh," he said nodding, "They're in the car?"
"Yeah," I said watching as he got up and walked out of the room.
It was going to take Dean awhile before he completely trusted me with everything, but I knew that he was just worried about me and this was how he reacted. He was so used to protecting me that he couldn't do anything else when it came to me.
Not that I was complaining. I loved having Dean be overprotective whether I acted like it or not. Just made me think that he actually cared about me. Yeah it sounded needy, but oh well.
Now he knew more about me then I ever wanted him to know and everything was bad. He didn't know how to react to everything so he was going a little overboard with his protectiveness.
"These are mild sedatives," Dean said throwing the pills at me.
"I know," I said catching them.
"They're that bad?" he said slowly, "The migraines."
"Nothing else works," I said shrugging, "They stopped working before I went to college."
"How much more are you hiding?" he said throwing my bag on the ground, "If I go through that what else will I find?"
"Go through it," I said knowing I couldn't say what was in there.
Dean stared at me before grabbing the bag and dumping it on the bed. My clothes and a notebook fell out of it. The notebook was old and falling apart. He grabbed the notebook and flipped through a few pages.
"They're letters," I said standing up, "Some to you and some to Dad."
Stopping at one of the letters Dean started to read before throwing the notebook across the room. He was angry, but it wasn't just that. He was so worried about everything he was seeing.
"There are some drawings too," I said sighing.
"I saw," Dean said through gritted teeth.
"Dean," I said moving closer to him.
"How the hell did I not see?" he said to himself, "I should have seen that you were doing this, but I didn't."
"You caught me once," I said looking away, "When I was twelve you saw a cut on my wrist. You freaked out until I told you that it happened when I was practicing with my knife."
"Yeah," he said glaring at the floor, "Don't ever think of hiding something like this from me again Sam. And don't ever think I would be better off without you. You're my little brother Sammy. My family."
"I know," I said looking at him, "I'm sorry Dean. I didn't mean to let things get out of control."
"Just one question," he said staring into my eyes, "Did you ever try to kill yourself?"
"Yes," I said honestly, "A few times."
"When was the last time?" he asked sighing.
"Yesterday," I said biting the inside of my cheek.
"Damn it," he yelled grabbing me, "Don't ever do something that stupid again Sam. Okay? I need you here. I need my little brother here with me. Okay?"
"Okay," I said nodding quickly, "I'm sorry Dean."
"I know," he said hugging me tightly, "Everything will be fine. We'll figure this out. Together. Like always."
"Yeah," I said smiling.
"I'm going to get lunch, alright," he said pulling away, "Don't think of Cas while I'm gone."
"Jerk," I said punching his arm.
"Bitch," he said laughing, "And seriously, what are you going to do about that?"
"I don't know," I said shrugging, "Hopefully I won't have to say anything."
Dean nodded and grabbed his jacket before leaving. I sighed and laid down on the bed. Closing my eyes I let my mind wonder knowing I couldn't stop the thoughts just yet. I wanted to have them for a little while longer.
My breathing started to pick up as I thought deeper about what I wanted to do with Cas. I could feel my pants getting tighter while I moved my hands towards my zipper.
"Sam," Cas said surprising me.
"Cas," I said blushing, "What are you doing here?"
"You wanted me here," he said confused, "Didn't you?"
I stared at Cas I tried to breathe and forget everything that I was feeling. Crossing my legs I hoped that Cas couldn't see what was going on. He would ask too many questions if he did.
"Sam," he said walking closer to me, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I said taking a few deep breaths.
"Then what are you feeling?" he asked confused.
"Nothing," I said quickly.
"Tell me," he said touching my hand.
"Cas," I said before pushing him away.
Going to the window I lend on it trying not to freak out. He was so close to me. I could do everything to him. He wouldn't understand it though. He had no clue what any of this meant.
"Sam," Dean said opening the door, "What's up?"
Turning around I saw that Cas had left. Dean was placing the food on the table and starting at me. I started to shake my head and fell back on my bed. I didn't know if I could face Dean right now.
Rolling over so I was on my stomach I pulled the blanket over me and waited. Dean would start asking questions soon and I just wanted to think about nothing for a moment.
I was never able to completely clear my mind, but doing this was the thing that came the closest. Hiding under a blanket and just listening as Dean moved around the room was always calming.
It was like being alone, but knowing that once I pulled the blanket away I wouldn't be alone. I don't know what I would do if I was alone. I doubted that I could handle it.
"What happened?" Dean said throwing the blanket off me.
"Cas," I said sighing.
"Explain," he said handing me a soda.
Sighing I filled Dean in on what happened while he was gone. I could tell that he wanted to laugh at some of the things I was saying. I was embarrassed by all that I was saying, but I thought maybe he could help.
"Dude," Dean said laughing, "That's hilarious."
"Not really," I said sighing, "Just tell me what to do."
"I told you that you should just tell him," he said shrugging.
"Yeah," I said nodding, "Because he's felt anything like that before. He's an angel Dean. He doesn't get feelings."
"Then help him get them," he said calmly, "Seriously, maybe it's exactly what you need."
"Dude," I said rolling my eyes, "Fine. I'll talk to him."
"Good," he said smiling, "Now, eat. And we're going to find a place to relax for awhile."
"What?" I asked confused.
"I've been thinking," he said grabbing a sandwich from the bag, "After what's happened the last few days. I think we could use some rest. Some time to figure everything out."
"Are you sure, Dean?" I said sitting up, "It could take awhile."
"I know," he said slowly, "But this is more important."
"Thanks man," I said happily.
"Yeah," he said throwing me a sandwich, "Eat up. We need to find a place."
"Okay," I said biting the sandwich.
I ate the sandwich in relative quiet before going to the bathroom to take a shower. Maybe having a nice cold shower will help me figure this whole Cas thing out before I went insane.
"I love you Cas," I said to myself, "I love you so much. I always have. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. You will never understand what is going on. And I don't want to scare you away. What am I supposed to do? I doubt I'll be able to hide this from you for long. I don't want to hide this from you. I know that it will be better if you didn't know. I'm sorry Cas. I can't tell you this though. Not this time."