Pyron (breaking out of the grill in an inferno): Now you will pay for what you did to me, mortal!
(dopliss sprays Pyron with a fire extinguisher)
dopliss: There we go. Problem solved.
Disclaimer: Darkstalkers belongs to Capcom, who really should pay attention to their other franchises.
It's Thursday evening now. Once the sun rises tomorrow, I'm gonna have to leave this place. After all, I promised I would.
This week hasn't been all that bad. Sure, I got in a fight with humans in a local town, and my relationship with the nuns and the kids living here at the Felicity House has been very crappy, but other than that, I've had some fun. I've fully recovered my strength and I'm in perfect shape to walk onwards on my journey to nowhere, I had a lot of fun meowing with the other cats Saturday night, and I've never slept any more comfy for the last two weeks.
But the one thing I enjoyed the most… was meeting Felicia. She's the only one who's actually been friendly and kinda protective of me… and not to mention, she's just like me, a Darkstalker. I feel we've really formed a healthy friendship ever since we met last Friday in this very room.
That's why I find it so damn hard to make myself leave. I'm positive that once I walk away from this orphanage tomorrow morning, I'll never see her again. I'd probably end up dead in a couple of months, anyway; either as a rotting corpse for vultures to eat or as a decorative in a human's house. I can just see myself ending up as the latter, being nothing but a head on the wall with my face altered to look goofy, or my skin spread out on the floor like a carpet for people to walk around and wipe their feet on.
But alas… in a few hours, when the sun is rising on Friday morning, I will be walking away, leaving behind a bunch of nuns and kids who're more than happy to see me leave… and the one true friend I've ever had. If only I could spend just a little more time with her, but she and the other nuns are probably busy right now with the kids.
"Hey – are you sure this is a good idea?"
…I don't recognize that voice. It sounds too old to be one of the older kids here, and it sounds too male to be one of the nuns.
"Relax, dude. We won't get in trouble for this – I promise."
Another unknown voice – a slightly older one than the first… They're both coming from outside. I got out of my bed and went over to the window. All the way down on the ground, there stood two boys. From what I can tell, they're in their very early twenties, probably still living at their parents' home. There was also a small bottle lying on the ground… and a very strange smell came from down there…
"I don't know… won't we get scolded by our parents for this?" one of them asked nervously. He must be the youngest one of the duo.
"Don't be such a pussy," the other boy replied. That sentence alone is enough to make him the bossy elder kid. "You want payback for what happened to your dad, right? Then stop complaining, already."
"But… I don't think we can take on a Darkstalker, let alone live to tell the tale."
I see… It's me they're after. Those two morons apparently underestimate me – well, one of them is underestimating me. Should I leap down and scare them off now, or should I wait until they're trying to do whatever they're planning to do.
"Besides, isn't this orphanage full of innocent people?" the younger one asked.
The elder boy shrugged. "Dunno. But even if there is, I'm sure they're smart enough to leave the building." Now I'm curious. What could they possibly do that would make everyone leave the Felicity House?
That's when I saw something bright in the elder boy's hand, and then it spread to the side of the building. Wait… Holy shit! They're setting the orphanage on fire! Are they crazy?!
"Hey, you bastards!" I yelled down to them. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Even from this height, I could see the fear in their eyes when they looked up at me. "Oh fuck! It's the monster!" the eldest boy gasped, before he and his companion made a run for it.
I would've chased after the two, but the flames were spreading at a freakishly fast rate. Either this is the most preferable way of killing monsters, or else it might be some sort of karmic act of revenge for that one time ten years ago when I called Aquaman a useless tuna fish who's the result of a dolphin mating a human woman. If he actually existed, I swear he'd be laughing his scaly ass off at my predicament.
Wait, what the hell am I doing? The Felicity House is on fire, and instead of running around the orphanage while it's still there warning everybody in it, I'm thinking of a superhero from DC Comics! Pull yourself together, man, and get your ass in gear!
I quickly ran over to the door, tore it open, and rushed down the hallway. I really hope everyone's downstairs so I can get them out easier. I reached the stairs, rushed down on all fours, and looked around the dining room. Damn! I can only see a two of the nuns and a handful of the children! "Everyone, get outside – now!" I shouted. "The building's on fire!"
They all turned to look at me… but instead of looking at me with wide eyes filled with terror, they just gave me a glance of what I highly believe is doubt. "Are you sure?" one of the nuns asked me.
Seems like Felicia's not put in a word great enough for them to believe whatever I'm saying, even if it's something that involves their lives being in danger. If I wasn't friends with her, I'd just get out of here and leave the others to sit around twiddling their thumbs until they smell something burning – namely their own flesh. "Look – you guys have two ways to fully believe what I said is true," I said, holding up one of my clawed fingers. "One: just trust what I said is true and walk out of the orphanage along with everyone else." I held up another finger. "Two: wait here until you get sent to Heaven by the fires of Hell."
They seemed to believe me. Alright, threatening someone on their life is a very effective way of convincing someone, I admit, but I think they're thinking they're dead either way – either from burning to death in their home or from their stupid little fantasy about me going 'slasher flick villain' on them.
While they were gathering the rest of the nuns and children, I went over to the front door, tore it off its hinges, and stood outside and kept my eyes at the doorway as the flames – which were now slowly approaching first floor – ate away at the house. I really hope they're all gonna get out of there unharmed and alive. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely indifferent towards pretty much all of them, but… I'm sure that if someone died, Felicia would be devastated and break into tears and probably scream at me, saying she never wants to see me again. I don't want that.
Slowly but steadily, some of the nuns and kids exited the burning building, followed by more and more as seconds passed. 25, 26, 27… I kept counting until all of them were outside. 34… 35… 36… 37… 38… 39…
The counting stopped at 39. One's still in there! Wait… I know who's missing! I quickly turned to the other nuns and demanded, "Where's Felicia?! Didn't any of you warn her?!"
The kids began muttering to themselves, probably just as worried as I. "I-I told Sister Maria to warn her!" the Mother Superior replied shakily.
"I went to her room and warned her!" one of the lesser nuns said. "I knocked on her door and—!"
"You just knocked on her door?!" I practically screamed. How stupid can someone be?! Your home is burning down, and instead of yanking your friends or family members away from what they're doing, someone is actually enough of a moron to just knock on a door and tell someone to leave!
No! Don't go on a rant, John! You know what you must do!
Without any regrets, I turned right back around and dashed into the Felicity House's burning structure. From what I've learned, running back into a burning building is usually a very bad move that usually leads to the one stupid enough to do it dying brutally, but I'll at least try to get her out.
My eyes widened in shock upon reentering the dining room. From what I saw from my bedroom window, the fire was small yet growing rapidly, and it didn't look to be that threatening on the outside when the others had left the building. But the inside was a total inferno! The tapestry, the furniture… everything was burning wildly! How could this have happened in just less than a minute?!
This is bad! This is very, very bad! I've gotta find Felicia and get her out of here, pronto!
I dashed up the burning staircase, ran down the hallway on all fours, reached Felicia's bedroom, and kicked the door in. She's not in here. Could she be in her bathroom? I quickly walked over to the bathroom door and knocked on it. "Felicia! Are you in there?!" I called.
"J-John?!" I heard a shaky female voice gasp. Good… that means she's still alive and well. "Why're you sounding so upset?"
"The orphanage is on fire!" How many times have I mentioned that by now? "You have to get outta there!"
"I-I can't right now!" I heard her reply. "I'm in the middle of… you know, 'doing my business'!"
Great! Just… great! Her home is on fire, and instead of getting out as quickly as possible, she's pooping. "Okay – I'll wait for you right here," I told her. "The moment you're done, don't even bother washing your hands – just open the door and get outta here with me."
"Eehehehe! Burn! Burn!"
What the…?! Where did that voice come from?!
Wait… My nose… it's picking up a smell other than the one of burning stuff.
It's the smell of a Darkstalker! And he's got friends with him!
I quickly turned around and saw the monsters. There were five of them, each about the size of a bear cub and on fire. And they certainly weren't pretty; their big noses, grinning mouths filled with sharp teeth, and bug-eyes attested to that. Narrowing my eyes and glaring at them, I demanded, "Who're you guys, and how did you get in here?"
The creatures giggled madly. I guess they must be bat-shit insane. "We are Fire Imps!" one answered with a very arrogant tone.
"We love fire!" another stated. As if I couldn't have guessed that.
"Whenever someone starts big fire, we come and spread it more!" a third continued.
"We help burn the place down!" a fourth exclaimed excitedly.
"Burn it down! Burn it down!" the fifth and final one cheered.
How ironic; those two kids set this place on fire to get rid of a Darkstalker, but ended up summoning five more to cause way more harm than intended.
"John? Is everything all right on your side?"
Aw, crap! This is not a good time to befriend other monsters. "Don't worry, Felicia," I replied through the bathroom door. "It's just some unexpected visitors. I'll take care of them."
While I told her that, the Fire Imps were jumping on the bed and in her drawers, setting whatever they touched aflame. "Whee! Whee! Underwear burns so good!" one of them cheered.
…I didn't know she wore underwear, considering she's a—
No! Focus, John! Focus!
"Hey – you heard the kitty talk to someone just now?" another imp asked his friends. This will not end well.
"Yeah!" a third giggled. "She sounded cute for a human." And if they think she's human, this will end catastrophically.
"Humans burn so nicely! Especially the ones with fat!" a fourth stated.
"Then we know what we must do…" the final one began.
As if they've rehearsed it, they all gave a cry of "Burn the human!"
This is the point where I protect the damsel in distress. "Like hell you will!" I hissed at them, baring my teeth and claws.
The little bastards just giggled at me. I'll make sure to wipe those stupid grins off their faces. One of them lunged at me, and I replied with a strong kick to the face.
YOW! HOT! HOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOT! MY FOOT IS ON FIRE! OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
As the Fire Imps laughed their asses off, I quickly put out the fire on my foot by shaking it wildly. I'm really lucky that worked, considering I'm in a burning building right now.
Lesson learned. Never kick something that's on fire. Ever!
"'Like hell we will', eh?" one of these ugly jerks snickered. "Keep fighting, and we're gonna turn you into un gatito quema!"
Was that Spanish? The only language I know how to speak is English. So whatever those last words mean, I can't tell what they mean. But coming out of the mouth of a hideous, insane, fire-loving imp, it's probably not something good.
Oh! Perfect timing! I just heard a flushing sound. Felicia must be done now! Now she just needs to unlock the door, and then we can…
Now I hear water running. You have got to be kidding me.
"You don't need to wash your hands!" I half-shouted to her.
"I have to keep up my personal hygiene!" I heard her shout back.
Lady, if I die because of you wasting time, I don't care how good you've been in your life – I'm taking you straight to Hell with me!
I quickly leapt out of the way when the five burning jerks came charging at me. Well, if I can't hit them without getting hurt more than them, then I'd better find a weapon. And since this is a bedroom in an orphanage, I have to improvise. I made another leap and landed in front of the dresser, AKA my temporary secondary weapon. With my superhuman strength, lifting the thing was easy. I then took position and quickly swung it around. I could feel the impact in my hands, and I saw two of the Fire Imps crash into the wall on my left.
If people didn't act towards me like they do, maybe I could've been a baseball player.
It was an endless cycle. They leapt at me, I swung my furniture into them, they crashed into the walls, and then they got right back up and leapt at me again. No matter how hard I swung, they kept coming back for more. After the fifth attempt, I couldn't help but just shout, "Why won't you just give up?!"
The burning assholes just laughed at me. "Fire is good for us!" one replied.
"If we're in flames, they'll heal us quicker than lightning strikes!" another continued.
Great! This really is and endless cycle. I'm probably relatable to a rock in a river, getting hit by a never-ending stream of flowing water.
Flowing water…
I can't hear the water anymore! Felicia must be done now!
Please let her be done!
With a final swing of the dresser, I sent two of the imps crashing into the bed, threw my furniture-slash-weapon at them, and quickly leapt over to the bathroom door just in time to hear the click of the lock. Wonderful! I then saw Felicia when she tore the door open, completely dressed in her nun outfit. "Let's get outta here!" she said. I'm just glad to hear someone other than me say it today.
I then heard the Fire Imps giggle and make a battle cry. My best guess is that the sight of a 'human' caused them to get really excited and made them want to do nothing but burn her. Not letting them get their burning hands on her, I quickly shielded her with my body. I hissed in great pain when they collided with my back.
And here I thought my foot getting caught on fire hurts. Compared to that, my back now feels like a warzone that's been bombed thrice over for no good reason whatsoever.
"John! Are you all right?!" Felicia gasped.
"Just dandy," I replied sarcastically as I picked her up bridal style. "Now that you're done doing your business, I'd like us to get the hell outta here before we go to Hell."
I jumped over a tackling imp and dashed out the door. Best bet right now is going down the stairs and leaving through one of the doors. As I ran to the staircase, I couldn't help but notice the fear and sorrow in Felicia's eyes. I can't blame her; I would, too, if I saw what I'd spent years to achieve just crumble away before my eyes. I reached the staircase and…
Shit! The entire main floor is on fire! And now that I know how painful it is to have your foot on fire for a couple of seconds, there's no way, no how, I'm going down there. There must be one other way outta here…
I looked around and saw a window at the other end of the hallway. Hmm… That'll have to do. "Felicia," I told, "make sure to curl yourself into a ball as much as you possibly can and hold tightly on to me."
"Okay," she replied. With the lack of complains and questions, I guess she's as willing to get outta here as I am.
Running as fast as I could on two legs, I sprinted towards the window. I'm quite a glutton for pain today. With a rolling leap that made my back hit the window, I broke through it and flipped back right-side-up, just in time to leap off a tree branch and back to the wall, which I also leaped off of and landed on the ground, followed by me moving away from the orphanage.
I'd say that performance was worth at least an eight out of ten.
I spotted the other nuns and the kids a bit further away, so I ran up to them and placed Felicia on her feet. I see that one of the nuns has a cell phone in her hand. That must mean she's called the firemen to come here as quickly as possible. Good. With them putting out the fire, the Fire Imps are probably gonna have to hightail it outta there, or hopefully die.
As the other nuns checked up on Felicia, asking her if she's okay and whatnot, I saw the Mother Superior walk directly up to me, with quite the angry expression on her face. Ten bucks says she's about to scold me. "You fiendish child of the Devil!" she all but screamed at me. "Look at what you've done!"
Wait a minute… "Are you seriously accusing me of burning the Felicity House?" I asked. I have the worst possible feeling about what's going to happen.
"Of course I am! Who else could it possibly be?"
"Uh… the two dumbasses I saw setting the orphanage on fire?"
She gave a haughty huff. "As if that's true," she scoffed. "Weren't you the first one who warned everyone about the fire?"
"Yes, but—"
"And weren't you alone when you apparently 'saw' this fire?" she asked, complete with making quotation marks with her fingers. "If anyone's the most likely to have started the fire, it would be you, Darkstalker."
I'm really getting sick of this woman. "What could I possibly get from killing you all in a fire?" I asked. "How could I start a fire when none of you let me use anything in the kitchen?"
"Erasing all evidence of you being here in the first place, of course – and you probably found some other way of lighting the house."
Gah! This woman is impossible to argue with! "You know what?" I hissed. "Screw all this. I don't wanna listen to your crap any longer. So long and goodbye, ladies and brats!" And with that, I turned away from them and began walking away.
'God's forgiving and kindhearted servants' my furry ass!
"Wait a minute, Mother Superior!" I heard Felicia say. "All of this isn't Mr. Taylor's fault!" I knew she'd come to my defense, although it's too little, too late. No way will that work.
"You are right, Sister Felicia."
Wait, what? That sentence made me stop walking. If her impossible-to-work defense actually succeeded, then I really wanna hear what comes next.
"The one who's really at fault is you, Sister Felicia!"
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, WHAT?! I turned around and saw a shocked Felicia with an angry fat lady glaring at her. "Me?! You must be joking!" my blue-haired friend gasped. Yeah, I agree! What's the deal, lady?!
"Had it not been for you, the Darkstalker would not have been here, and we would not have lost our home," the Mother Superior accused. That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard. "Had you only listened to what we had told you, this would not have happened."
"T-That's absurd!" Felicia shot back. "I just did what God would've done: saved an innocent being from an early death!"
"No. You let this spawn of Lucifer live, which is one of the biggest treasons against our Lord."
"How many times do I have to tell you? Mr. Taylor was not made by the Devil!"
The fat lady's look turned very grim. "Felicia… the others and myself have discussed your drastic decision, and we have all agreed that you no longer should be among us."
What the…?! She can't do that to her! "W-What are you saying?!" Felicia gasped. "But, I build this orphanage! If it wasn't for me, none of you would've been here today!"
"You have strayed from the path of God ever since that day, and you finally turned your back on Him the moment you helped that monster." The Mother Superior circled around my friend and over to the other nuns and children, who all have backed away from her. "Felicia, I think it would be best for all of us if you just left."
Alright, that does it! Doing that to me is one thing, but she hadn't done anything wrong at all! I stormed over to them, my claws ready to engrave the biggest lecture I was ever gonna give. "Alright, listen up, you guys!" I started.
I was stopped when Felicia held her hand out in my direction. "No, John. Let me," she said.
Following that, she took off her nun hat and dropped it onto the ground. Then she surprised us all by turning into her true form. I'm surprised because she blew her cover, and I'm pretty damn sure they were surprised because she just revealed her true self. She even stripped down to her birthday suit, which didn't traumatize the younger brats because of her fur. She actually blew her cover… She must really be pissed at their stupid decision.
"Do you see this?" she asked. "This is what I really am. I am a member of the species you claim is created from the Devil's unholy loins. I have been right there next to you for two years straight. At any time, I could have killed you. At any time, I could have eaten you, tortured you, made you my personal slaves, or sold you off to other Darkstalkers. But I didn't. Why, you ask? The answer is simple: Not all Darkstalkers are evil!" She held her left hand in my direction. "The same goes with Mr. Taylor here. Sure, he might've been a little unfriendly to you, but that's because you've been unfriendly to him in the first place! You can call us evil, inhumane, monstrous, freaks – but what you can't call us is evil!"
Wow… I didn't know the girl had it in her. She just told off her colleagues and boss, and now they're looking at her with hilarious expressions while sweating. Perfect ten, sweetheart! Perfect ten!
The Mother Superior then walked up to my friend… and slapped her across the face! What the hell is wrong with this bitch?! The fat lady even looked very angry, her fists shaking violently, as if she just wanna kill her right then and there. "You have brought shame to our home, foul beast!" she hissed. "Leave now and never return!"
I had expected Felicia to claw at the bitch, snap at her – at least threaten her as a form of payback. But no… she just gave a huff, turned away from them, and walked away. I gave them all a vicious glare and hissed at them, to which they all glared back. I would've killed them, but they're just not worth it. "Go to Hell – literally," I said and left to catch up with my fellow Darkstalker.
We then just walked along together for minutes, eventually hearing sirens that grew louder and then slowly faded into the distance. I don't know for how long we walked, but all the while… I just felt bad. I mean, I just robbed my only friend of her home. Who wouldn't feel like an asshole after doing something like that? I'd better try to make up with her.
"Sorry…" I apologized, rubbing my right arm in a sorta sheepishly way. "If only I didn't walk past the Felicity House… then none of this would've happened."
"No, John," I heard her say. "It's not your fault. It's them who are thinking the wrong thing about us."
Typical – she's acting like a parent reassuring her child that he didn't do something wrong. "Don't say that. Those idiots who set fire to the Felicity House did it because of me – because I got into a brawl with humans. It is my fault that—"
"John, listen." I felt her hand on my left shoulder, and I stopped walking to look at her. Her blue eyes were full of absolute seriousness. I've seen that look before – she gives it whenever she's dead serious about something. "No matter what, the fire is not your fault," she continued. "I just know you're a good person, no matter what they said about you."
How can anyone be this forgiving? "But… I cost you your home…"
She shook her head. "That… that wasn't my home. Not anymore. Today, I found out that the Felicity House is not where I belong." She let go of my shoulder and gave me a smile. "I want to find a way to make everyone happy… and now I know I can't do it there. Somewhere out there, I will find the right place where I belong."
I just stared as she walked along. She's more like me than I originally thought. It's almost as if she's my twin of the opposite sex. I couldn't help but smile at her optimism. "Hey… do you need a travel companion?" I asked.
She looked back at me and giggled. "I let you stay in my house, John – why should I say no to a proposal like that?"
And so, in the glow of the setting sun, we walked onwards to places unknown. This is gonna be a beautiful friendship.
Pyron (furious): Your clownish tricks do not work on me! Prepare to die!
dopliss: But before you do, could you explain to the readers what the Fire Imp said means?
Pyron (to the readers): The insignificant D-class Darkstalker said 'a burning kitty' in Spanish. And now, if you'll excuse me…
(Pyron turns to see that dopliss is gone)