Chapter 4 - Aware
SVU Police Cruiser
Sunday Evening, May 4
Liv was waiting at the door of her building when the brown cruiser pulled up to the curb. As she bounded down the steps, Elliot pushed the door open. She jumped in, grabbing the seatbelt and snapping it in place.
"Hey...sorry to interrupt your evening..." He smiled a small smile.
"Not your fault we are on call..." She smiled back at him.
He handed her a steaming cup of tea. She looked at him, puzzlement on her face as she took the insulated cup from him. It had been a long time since he brought her tea like this...so long she could not even remember the last time.
"Thanks." She turned away, raising her eyebrow, as she took a cautious sip.
"What?" He asked, tilting his head and frowning at her, questioning her behavior.
"What what?" She was teasing him and he wasn't sure what to make of it.
"What's with the funny look?" He looked over his shoulder and pulled out into the street.
"Funny? I didn't hear anyone laughing. What's funny?" She was trying not to smile.
"Very funny. You know what I mean...that look you gave me when I handed you the tea." He explained
"Oh...so, I look funny? Is that what you are trying to tell me? Gee, thanks, El." She turned and looked out her window, like she was hurt.
"Come on, Olivia...you know what I mean...you looked at me like I had four eyes or something when I gave you the tea." He rolled his eyes at her. She called him 'El'...that was a good thing. She had not called him that in a while.
"Well...it's just that...I can't remember the last time you brought me tea...and I guess it seemed a little strange...you know...just wondering was there an ulterior motive..." She shook the cup lightly in a circle to stir it a bit.
"Ulterior motive? For bringing you tea?" He snorted, looking into the review mirror as he changed lanes.
"Yea...did you spike it or something to get me in trouble...you know...when I show up drunk?" She pretended to slur the last few words. "Or poison it to get me out of your way?" She fell over in her seat as though she had died.
Now he laughed, finally realizing she was just messing with him. She was just kidding, wasn't she? "Okay...what's with you tonight, huh?"
"Nothing...just had a really good day, that's all." She grinned, not at him, but to herself, he noticed.
"Gonna tell me about it?" He prodded. She seemed different tonight, but he could not put his finger on why.
"Nope." She turned to look back out the window, still smiling.
They rode the rest of the way lost in their own individual thoughts. Elliot's curiosity about her day was going to drive him crazy. He wondered what she did, where she went and mostly with who did she spend the day. Intuitively, he knew she had to have been with someone...as in a guy. A date. Someone new? Porter again? He'd take care of him with a well placed punch. Langan? He was still apparently interested in her.
Maybe she's been seeing someone that he did not know about? No. He would know if she was dating someone. Wouldn't he? Of course, he would. She would tell him. Wouldn't she? No. Why would she tell him about her love life when he barely acknowledged her anymore, let alone talked to her about anything of significance? He hadn't seen her smile this much at one time in...well...in years.
Imagining her with someone else, made him feel like a sailor was in his stomach tying it into every kind of knot known to man. Someone else? Like he had a right to be upset that she would be with another man. Another man? What is he thinking? She does not belong to him. She is not his. He would have to be involved with her for her to be with another man or someone else. They are not involved. He is married. How is that for involved?
He and Liv are only partners. Only friends. Best friends. At least he hoped they were still best friends. Not involved? Who is he kidding? Not physically involved, but in every way that mattered, he was deeply involved with Olivia Benson. Whether or not she was even aware of his involvement. He cast a sideways glance at her, the street lamps casting strips of light across her face. She was beautiful. He felt his heart skip a beat and he mentally forced himself to think of anything but his partner sitting two feet away from him.
Olivia realized that for the first time after not seeing Elliot for a couple of days, she was not as excited to see him as she would have been even several days ago. She had not missed him like she usually did. Perhaps the combination of meeting Rhett and Elliot's attitude toward her, would give her the extra push she needed to really get over him. She was still thinking of Rhett and how much fun they had together. She could not wait to hear from him again.
He brought out a side to her she had not even been aware existed. A totally fun side, silly, happy go lucky, the little girl, the child in her. The child that had never been allowed to be a child. She was surprised to find that child still existed.
Maybe she was always there just waiting for the right person to come along and give her permission to live. To be set free. She smiled to herself thinking about 'the right person'. Was Rhett the right person? That she would even be thinking like this so early in their relationship, amazed her. Relationship? Did they have a relationship yet? Yet. She smiled, again.
She had been so sure for so long that Elliot was the only man for her. She had just known he would make a move after she came back from computer crimes. When he did not, her heart was broken, but she thought he wasn't quite ready. She still wished things could be different between them. Wished he had never gone to Kathy that night. But he had. And by doing so, he had sealed not only his future, but hers as well.
She had to move on if she were ever to have chance at real happiness in this life. Elliot had shown her that by his increasing moodiness and at times, what seemed almost like contempt for her. He had ignored and pushed her away one time too many and she finally got the message. One thing she was certain of, she would always love Elliot Stabler, but she had realized, at long last, she neither could nor would ever have a life with him.
He was bound by his family, his marriage, his God. Looking at him from the corner of her eye, she felt her breath hitch at the sight of his strong, handsome profile. If she could turn back the clock and be the one to comfort him after the Royce killings, she would. She still loved him. She would always love him. She was just determined to find a way to love someone else in spite of her feelings for him.
- - - - -
Washington Square Park
Sunday Evening, May 4
Pulling up to the flashing lights of several patrol cars, a fire engine and an ambulance, Elliot parked the car and he and Olivia got out and walked toward the crowd.
Flashing his badge, he spoke. "Detective Stabler, SVU...my partner, Detective Benson. What we got?"
Olivia stood beside him, looking around, as one of the officers filled Elliot in on what they knew. She spotted a blond, long haired, young woman, who looked to be in her early twenties. She was crying as an EMT talked with her. Liv made her way through the crowd, flashing her own badge. One of the uniformed cops told her what she already assumed. The young woman was the victim.
"Hi, I'm Olivia and I'm a police officer. What's your name, sweetie?" She knelt down in front of the young woman so she could look right into her eyes on the same level. That was less intimidating than for the victim to have to look up at an officer.
"Zhanna." Speaking with a slight accent, she wiped tears from her bright blue eyes. "Zhanna Tarasov."
"That is a pretty name. Would you mind spelling that for me?" Olivia smiled as she pulled a notepad and pen from her pocket.
"Z-h-a-n-n-a. It is pronounced with a long 'a'. My surname is spelled T-a-r-a-s-o-v." It was then that Olivia realized her words were somewhat slurred.
"Okay...Zhanna...can you tell me what happened?" Olivia's eyes narrowed slightly as she searched the young woman's face.
"I was walking in the park...I hear voices...men...I became frightened and walked faster. One jumped out in front of me and I try to go around him. Another jumped out and I turn around to go back and a third one, he runs in front of me. I start to plead for them to please take my money and let me go. They do not listen...one of them says to the others 'take her' and they pull me to the bushes and they...they..." She began to cry so hard, Olivia could not understand her.
"Can you describe the men, Zhanna?" She was writing quickly in her notepad. She glanced up as Elliot came and stood about five feet from them.
He loved seeing Olivia in action. Listening to her soothing words as she attempted to comfort victims filled him with pride. Her voice was soft as she called them sweetie, sweetheart or honey. She spoke their names like a mother would...gentle, caring. Her eyes filled with compassion and concern.
When she placed a hand on a shoulder or arm, or held a child close or brushed the hair from a victim's face, he would remember how warm and soft her hands were. He knew this from when she had used them to comfort him or to squelch his anger before it became a full blown rage, to calm him as only she could.
He was impressed by her thoughtfulness of seemingly little things such as always being either eye level with them or situated below them in an attempt to give them the feeling of power and control over the interview. Control had been taken during the progress of a crime against them and it was important that they have some semblance of regaining that control. Olivia sensed this and was always considerate of the victim's feelings, emotional well being as well as their physical care and comfort.
He was amazed at her questioning skills, how she could get even the most hesitant victim to talk, to divulge much more than they thought they could remember, to agree to a rape kit or other medical tests. He loved her a little bit more each time he watched her climb into the back of an ambulance, insistent that the victim not be alone. She, who had been alone all her life, would not let their special victims be alone at such a traumatic time.
"It was too dark...they had on dark clothes, but I remember one had a silver tooth in front...like right here..." She pointed to her top left front tooth. "And one had a tattoo of the sun...it had a face in it. The third man...his cologne...it was...Eternity. Calvin Klein's Eternity. One of the others called him Anatoly."
Olivia nodded and looked over at Elliot. He did not seem to get what she was trying to convey to him. She missed being in sync with him like they used to be. It made the job harder and she just missed being that in tune with him and he with her.
"Zhanna...why were you out in the park alone so late at night?" Olivia quit writing and looked into Zhanna's eyes.
She could not hold Olivia's gaze and looked down and fidgeted with the hem of her tank top. "I...I had come for a drink..."
"Alone? New York City is no place for a young woman to be out alone in at night. How long have you lived here?" She leaned a bit closer to the young woman
The cadence of Live's voice had changed, so subtly that most people would never even have noticed it. But Elliot noticed. It was then he realized that Liv was not buying the story being fed to her. Why she felt that way, he could not imagine. It sounded pretty good to him.
"Yes...alone. I have been here three years. I come from the Ukraine." She still would not look at Olivia.
Liv nodded at her and started writing in the notepad again. "So...how many...drinks did you have and over what period of time?"
"Uh...period of time?" She looked confused.
"How long did it take you to drink the drinks?" Olivia explained
"I...I maybe two...maybe three...I do not know how long of a time...a couple of hours." She looked at Liv with glazed, red rimmed blue eyes.
Liv knew with the way her words were slurred, she had more than three drinks. "Okay...we're going to get you to a hospital...I'll ride with you, okay?" She smiled at Zhanna and turned to Elliot, pulling him away while the EMTs settled their victim on the gurney.
"You don't buy her story, do you?" Elliot whispered to her.
"Not at all...something else is going on here." She looked back over her shoulder watching as Zhanna was lifted into the ambulance.
He shook his head. "She reminds me so much of my girls...so young...so naive. What's not to buy, Liv? She's pretty traumatized, beat up. Sure looks like she was raped." He tilted his head back a bit so that he was looking down his nose at her through squinted eyes.
She did not like his attitude which to her said it's 'clear cut, plain and simple, let's wrap it up and go home'. And she certainly did not like him looking down his nose at her, whether it was intentional or not. She suddenly felt like smacking him. A feeling that was coming more and more often when Elliot was involved.
"Elliot...it's the middle of the night...there are no lights around here... she even said it was too dark to see them but then proceeds to describe a capped tooth, a tattoo in detail and tells us the brand and name of cologne the third one was wearing along with his name. She has something on all three of them. There is more to this that just rape, if there even was a rape." She shook her head, turned and climbed into the ambulance.
"Okay...okay. See you at the hospital." He watched as an EMT closed the doors and went to the front of the ambulance. The shrill of the siren split the night air as he headed for the cruiser.
- - - - - -
Chapman Residence
Sunday Evening, May 4
Rhett had gone home late that afternoon with a spring in his step and a lightness in his heart he could not remember ever experiencing. He had such a great time today with Olivia. They spent the day at the park doing nothing and everything. All the things a kid would do on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in late spring.
The weather was as perfect as the day. High seventies, a gentle breeze in the air, bright blue skies with just enough puffy white clouds to lay on the grass and see what shapes your imagination could conjure up in them. They had done just that for a good while and played on every piece of playground equipment they found, listened to music by different musicians. He showed her how to do a simple line a dance. She had whined at first but caught on quickly and decided she might even want to learn more later.
They talked and talked and talked. About important things like friends and family and hopes and dreams. About everyday things such as their jobs and coworkers and politics and traffic. About crazy things like have you ever walked in the rain...on purpose or made a wish on a falling star and later have it come true. He found he could talk to her so easily and that was new for him. Especially, talking about his family and his estrangement from his father. That was hard.
He wished he had not spent so many years so far away, missing so much of the lives of his parents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews. He loved his father and wished things had been different with them. That was the only thing she had not talked about, that he sensed she was not ready to tell him...about her father. It was okay. He would not pressure her because he knew, he knew Olivia would share it when she was comfortable enough with him and felt like it was time. Until then, he would just get to know the parts about her she was willing to reveal to him.
Not only had they talked with ease, they had sat quietly side by side at the pond watching the ducks and again on a bench watching kites rise higher and higher into the sky. Each lost in their own thoughts and yet so comfortable with the silence between them, that neither were compelled to talk for the sake of talking. That was rare. Very rare to find someone you could say nothing with, yet in that silence, say everything.
He almost called her that night, to thank her again for coming to the park and making it such a wonderful day. He wanted to hear her voice one more time before he closed his eyes in sleep. But he did not call. He realized she had been alone most of her life. She was used to her space and time and he did not want to suffocate her and ruin the very first time they were together. He could wait until tomorrow to call her. To talk to her. To secure another date. Yes, he could wait until tomorrow...morning.
- - - - -
Benson Residence
Monday Morning, May 5
She had stayed with Zhanna throughout all the testing, from the rape kits and blood work to the MRI and CAT scan because of the beating she had sustained. She did have a mild concussion and the kit was positive for the fluids of three men. Liv convinced her to eat a half sandwich and drink some juice before she finally fell asleep from the pain meads that were pumped into her by IV. Liv promised her she would be back the next day to talk more.
She and Elliot left but not before they had a couple of arguments about what they thought had happened to Zhanna Tarasov. She was so ready to get home and fall into her own bed even if it was only for a few hours. She was really ready to get away from Elliot and their bickering. For some reason it was wearing on her nerves more than usual tonight.
Whereas, once upon a time she had enjoyed their back and forth banter, enjoyed the difference of opinion about a case, tonight, the arguing just made her weary. Made her acutely aware of the deepening chasm between them.
It used to make her think, stretch her mind to know why she believed what she did or it served to change her mind when she saw that Elliot's ideas were more plausible and hers would not quite fit. Right now, she wanted to be anywhere but standing next to Elliot Stabler.
By the time Elliot dropped Liv back at her apartment, it was nearly three in the morning. They had to be at the station by eight to brief the Captain and write up their reports on the night's events. She was so exhausted from her romp in the park and then the late night, that she fell across her bed, not even bothering to undress or get under the covers. She was asleep seconds after her head hit the pillow.
- - - - -
Stabler Residence
Monday Morning, May 5
Careful to be quiet as he could, Elliot unlocked the door and stepped into the house. It was almost 3:30 in the morning. He would only get a couple of hours of sleep before he had to be at the precinct. He took off his gun and badge and locked them away. He went to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and pulled the jug of milk out. He put it to his mouth and chugged big gulps.
"Elliot! How many times have I asked you not to drink from the jug! It's unsanitary and now you have Dickie doing it as well." Kathy's sharp voice startled him.
"Sorry...too tired to get a glass...besides, it's almost gone." He held up the jug.
"There's still a little left." She pointed out angrily. She really was not that angry about him drinking out of the jug. She was angry that he had been gone five hours. In the middle of the night. She was tired of it.
He nodded, tilted the jug to his mouth and finished it off in several loud gulps. "There. All taken care of...no unsanitary milk."
He crushed the jug between his hands and threw it across the kitchen to the recycle bin. It bounced out, making a loud, clattering noise as it skittered across the hard tile.
"If Eli wakes up..." She threatened.
"If Eli wakes up, I'll take care of him." He snapped back as he closed the refrigerator with his foot, picked up the jug and put it in the bin and headed out of the kitchen.
"Elliot...I can't do this anymore...when I was younger, I managed. But I can't raise another child with you working the hours you do."
"So...what do you want? I'm not changing jobs, Kathy." The anger immediately rose within him.
She ignored what he said. "I want you to see about getting on in Queens...its closer. And...I want you out of SVU. I am sick of the late nights and long hours." And Olivia, she thought. She leaned against the frame of the opening to the kitchen.
He laughed, humorlessly. "You want this...you want that...what about what I want, huh?"
"What do you want, Elliot?" She folded her arms across her chest.
"I want to take a hot shower and go to bed, but that's not going to happen anytime soon, is it?" He growled at her.
"Why won't you transfer to Queens? To anything but SVU? Why?" She asked again for the thousandth time in their marriage.
That she had to ask even the first time, angered him. If she loved him like she kept saying she did, she would know him. Know that he lived, ate, slept and breathed SVU. That it is was in his blood. That without it, he would cease to be. There would be no Elliot Stabler. Why couldn't she this?
But, she didn't and she kept asking, begging, pleading for him to get out, to leave the cases, the victims, the perps behind. To leave Olivia. Behind. That's what this was really about. She was still jealous of Olivia. Even though he had come home, come back to her and the life he thought he had finally left behind. She was still jealous.
He laughed out loud. If she knew him, she would know that he and Olivia rarely talked anymore. Never shared anything personal. She would know Olivia was finally leaving him behind. He would not even have to tell her, she would sense it. Like Olivia sensed everything about him. If she knew him, she would be aware of what was going on with him.
"Why are you laughing? You find something about this amusing? There is nothing funny about any of this, Elliot." She snapped, her eyes like sheets of cold, dangerous ice.
He shook his head. "Kathy, how many times are we going to have this fight? I am not leaving SVU. Period. End of discussion."
It was her turn to laugh. "So, that's it? We just keep going along like we have for years? You working all the time, me raising the kids...alone? I thought when you came back, things would be different..." She trailed off, not even sure what else to say.
He snorted, the look on his face incredulous at what she just said. "Different? Why would you think things were going to be different, Kathy? We were on the verge of divorce, papers signed, living separately...we never discussed any changes...on my part or yours. You just blind sided me with being pregnant and assumed I would come home!" He bellowed.
"No one made you come home, Elliot? I thought you wanted to come home! You had asked to!" She was hollering now, too.
"Yea, I asked to...but then it was like I couldn't. Things were not right with us anymore...I didn't know how I felt about anything. I was confused and I was going to tell you I needed more time and then...then..." He was breathing hard, trying to regain control of himself.
"And then what? Olivia started dating Porter or somebody and made your decision easy?" She taunted, her blue eyes dancing with mockery.
Before he knew it, his hand had curled into a fist and he had put it through the wall beside Kathy. She stood with a horrified look on her face, aware that he was losing his grip on his emotions. He could not speak. His breathing was so ragged, he could barely get enough air to remain conscious much less say anything. He shook his bleeding hand, trying to ease the pain that shot through it.
He finally got enough air to form words. "This is not about Olivia..." At least not all of it, he thought.
Kathy took a deep breath. "Then what, Elliot. Tell me."
"Then before I could tell you I needed more time, you came to the precinct and told me your were pregnant and asked me to come home." He rolled his head from one side to the other, attempting to release some of the stress and tension that had built up.
"You didn't have to..." She spoke quietly.
"Didn't I? I took responsibility the first time. Did you think I would do any less this time?" He looked at her, his eyes full of question.
"You think I planned this pregnancy...don't you? You think I trapped you, just like you felt trapped the first time. How could I have not seen that?" She whispered.
He did not argue the point because it was exactly how he felt. He did think she planned this pregnancy, hoping he would come back and the baby would make everything would be okay. He just stood there looking at her.
"Answer me, Elliot. Do you really think I got pregnant the first time to get you to marry me? We were kids!" Her voice was loud again and tears were forming in her eyes. She rapidly blinked to hold them back.
He dragged his hands over his head, rubbed his neck and then pulled his hands over his head and down his face. "No...Kathy...you're right...we were kids. But we weren't kids this time. And I know I bear responsibility, too. I didn't have to sleep with you."
She slowly nodded her head. "But you think I used the first pregnancy to make you marry me instead of leaving me for college. And you think I planned this pregnancy to keep you from leaving me again, don't you?"
He could not look at her now. She would see in his eyes the truth. Yea, the first pregnancy to get him, the last one to keep him. Instead he looked at the floor. But she was aware of the truth without seeing it in his eyes.
"Then these twenty something years we've been together were nothing but lies...our whole marriage was nothing but a lie!" She stared at him so long, he began to fidget.
Finally, shook her head and went upstairs. He heard their bedroom door close and though he was not sure if he was relieved or upset at what had just happened, he was aware that the dynamics of this marriage had just shifted.
- - - - -
A/N: Keep those reviews coming! To coin Elliot's thoughts about SVU...I live, eat, sleep and breathe for reviews! LOL!! Thanks to all who take time to do so! " ) Bensler