A/N: I do not claim any rights to the dialogues or scenes written here that were taken from the scripts or from the episodes, that work belongs to the CW, Jason Rothenberg, Kass Morgan and the 100 writers only. I am simply using it for fun with no intents of plagiarizing it. Words in italic is being spoken in Trigedasleng.
Saving Roan and convincing him to honor Lexa's coalition to include the 13th clan was not easy. They had to trick his people to treat him, remove the bullet and save his life but even then, he decided to imprison them. The whole thing was difficult but for Clarke the hardest and most painful part of it all was giving him the Flame. It was the only thing she had of Lexa. It was Lexa. And although Clarke didn't know what shutting down the City of Light caused to the Flame, she needed to believe that Lexa was still alive in there.
She wanted it to stay with her until a new Commander ascended, that way she would keep the girl she loved or at least a part of her close but she had to give it up for the safety of her people once again and that made a question pod in Clarke's head. How much more would she still have to sacrifice for them? She didn't know the answer to that question and she dreaded ever finding out. After they had said goodbye to her mother, Kane and Octavia who were staying in Polis, Clarke, Bellamy and Jaha with a few of the guards walked towards the rover that was still in the north woods.
Clarke got on the passenger seat, Bellamy on the driver side as Jaha and the guards on the back and they started on their way home. Home for them, at least. Clarke was looking through the window of the river from the passenger's seat as they drove away from Polis with destination to Arkadia. They left behind Kane, her mom and Octavia to make sure that Roam stays in power since Clarke knows he was the only one that would uphold Lexa's Coalition and keep them safe as he promised in front of the people.
Clarke remembered when she was traveling with Lexa and she said she wondered if Arkadia was home but now, she knew the truth. It wasn't. It has never been and it never will be because her home she found the day she walked inside the Commander's tent to save her people and met the love of her life. Lexa was her home, through and through and Clarke let her go because of her own stupidity, because of guilty and anger. What now? Where did that get her? What did she win holding onto those feelings for so long? Nothing.
Lexa was dead, she was gone and Clarke lost three whole months with the girl simply because she was being stupid, because she couldn't forgive herself for her own actions and even when she met Lexa again, when the brunette risked everything to find her and keep her safe even when everyone expected her to kill Wanheda and take her power, Clarke didn't stop being stupid. She continued pushing Lexa away instead of pulling her close and never letting her go and now, she has truly lost her for good and there was nothing she could do about it.
"Do you think Wells would be ashamed by what I did?" Jaha broke the silence and Clarke knew he was talking to her, out of everyone in the car she was the one who really knew the boy. She had no idea if she wanted to speak with him but then she thought why not?
"Yes, he would be. He would never have agreed that we need to eliminate pain like that. You forgot about him, if you think he would have wanted that, then you didn't know him at all," She said coldly, seeing no reason to spare his feelings.
"I hope you never have to lose your kid, Clarke so that you won't understand my pain or why I did what I did," He said to her and she got angry at him. How dare he?
"And you think you're the only who has lost someone? I lost my dad thanks to you and then I lost my best friend, my first love and my true love all within the span of 4 months and you want to tell me that I don't understand the pain of losing someone you love?"
"I understand it better than you but I don't go around letting people be controlled by a crazy AI because of it, that is all on you. Don't put the burden of your choices on his memory. He doesn't deserve it," Clarke said to him.
"I'm not saying you haven't lost anyone but he was my son. My only son and the only family I had left." He said looking at her, "I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to feel better and when I met A.L.I.E and took the chip, suddenly it was all gone and I felt like I could breathe again. Like I wasn't drowning in my own sorrow. I just wanted others to feel the same way. To be okay," He tried to explain his side of the story.
"You just wanted to take the easy way out and that almost cost everyone their lives. Families killed one another, brother killed brother, mother killed son and all because you couldn't deal with it like everyone else did," Clarke said calling him out on his bullshit.
"Why didn't you drown yourself on alcohol and became a drunk? That would have been better than what you did. You have no idea the pain you caused to others, the families and lives you destroyed all because you were selfish and a coward," She said to him.
"I told A.L.I.E that we don't erase pain, we overcome it and that is the truth. Not two weeks ago, I lost someone special to me and I didn't take the chip and you know why, Jaha? Because I would rather live in pain than forget one second I spent with her," She said to him as tears came to her eyes.
"I would rather suffer all my life for the pain of losing her than to forget her face, her eyes, her voice, her smile, her name like you forgot Wells, like Raven was almost forgetting Finn," Clarke said heatedly to him.
"Wells was the best guy you could ever know. His heart was so big and so full of love for people that I know that even if he had been in your place, he never would have taken it. He would have had to be tortured before he took that damned pill," She said while looking ahead.
"And I can't help but wonder if you would have done it, you know? If you would have tortured him like you made my mom torture me so he would do what you wanted?" She said getting angrier by the second.
"Probably. There is nothing I wouldn't have done if she had asked me to do it," He said dejectedly and she scoffed.
"Your piece of shit," She said out loud for everyone to hear and she didn't give a damn, she was mad. She was furious at everything and everyone, herself more than anyone else.
"Clarke, calm down," Bellamy said to her and spared a look in her way and she turned her head to look at him and he could see the fire that was burning in her eyes.
"Why? Why do I need to calm down instead of calling him on his shit? I need to calm to spare his feelings? To hell with his feelings," She said as she looked at her friend.
"Didn't you see the devastation of the people in the city? What about those who weren't there and where killing their parents or their siblings all because of him? When they wake up and realize what they have done, should they calm down too?" Clarke said to him.
"It wasn't my intention to cause more pain to anyone. I wanted the opposite and I am very sorry for everything that has happened because of me," Jaha said and she looked at him.
"Saying sorry doesn't make things okay and doesn't bring those people back so keep your sorry's to yourself. We don't need them," Clarke said and kept quiet for the rest of the trip, she kept her eyes on the window and avoided any conversation.
Bellamy could feel that she was exploding with anger and frustration and a bunch of pent up emotions while having to stay inside of the car and he could feel that she couldn't wait to get out so when they finally arrived in Arkadia and he parked the rover, she was the first one to get out, almost jumping off with the rover still in motion and moved to pass by everyone but she was interrupted by her friends who all came to her. The first one to hug her was Raven.
"Hey, are you okay?" She asked the blonde who looked around the room. Monty, Harper and Jasper were there and she just heard Bellamy came up behind her.
Clarke pulled back and looked at the girl. "No, I'm not okay. I'm the furthest thing from okay," She said honestly and Raven was confused and looked at her and at Bellamy.
"What the hell happened?" The mechanic asked them both but kept her eyes on Bellamy as if she was asking him and he just shrugged.
"I don't know, she just went off on Jaha on the way here and when I tried to help, she almost did the same to me," He said to the mechanic and what he said was just what was needed to tip the blonde over the edge.
"Do you wonder why? Maybe it's because you were just as bad as him," She said as she turned around to face him. He was about to get a piece of her mind.
"You were angry and hurt because of what happened and you let Pike murder 300 innocent people. How could you do that, Bellamy? They had nothing to do with what was going on with the Ice Nation. They were here to help us and you just murdered them, you made Pike Chancellor," Clarke said heatedly to him.
"Clarke, maybe you need to rest, calm down and relax," Monty said as they all noticed how out of control she was.
"Why is everyone telling me to calm down when I finally found the balls to call out everyone on their shit? And before you say it, Jasper, I am including myself on that list. So feel free to lay it out on me because I sure as hell will not stay silent anymore. You want to start or should I?" She asked the boy directly and he shook his head.
"You go ahead," He said lifting his hand in surrender and she nodded. Clarke looked at Raven and started her rant on the mechanic.
"Why the hell did you take the pill, Raven? I get that out of all of us, you were the one who was in the most amount of pain given everything that happened to you since we fell down here but you were stronger than that. You're Raven Fucking Reyes, how could you let Jaha of all people convince you that you needed that pill?"
"You didn't need it. You didn't have to take it. You should have realized that all you needed to do was reach out. Let someone share your burden with you so that it would be lighter," Clarke said raising her voice before she turned to Bellamy again.
"You put Pike in power. You betrayed Kane for someone who wanted to massacre innocent people, how could you do that? How could you cuff me and try to bring me to Pike when I was trying to save your ass?" Clarke said as she felt the tears coming up and Bellamy just watched her.
"You and I developed a toxic thing of forgiving each other for all the screwed up things we do but you know what? We're wrong to do that. Not everything is supposed to be forgiven," Clarke said to him.
"You should have never removed Wells' bracelet on force. You should have never encouraged the others to take theirs. You should have never kicked the stoop and help them hang Murphy. You should never have destroyed Raven's radio. You should have never let 300 people die just so you could save your ass,"
"You should have never supported Pike, you should have never given him and his followers those guns, you should have never murdered those people, you should have never let him imprison the grounder, Lincoln included. You should have never tried to murder everyone on that village and you sure as hell should never have let that maniac take control of our people!" She exploded.
"I'm saying all of this about you guys but don't think that I don't know my mistakes as well because I do, all too well. I should never have left Wells alone with you and Murphy. I should never have just let you do whatever the hell you wanted. I should have fought harder for everyone to keep their bracelets on,"
"I should have never accused Murphy of something I wasn't sure he had done. I should have never slept with Finn and lost sight of Raven's pod. If I had gotten here faster, we could have saved all those people. I should have never let either one of you torture Lincoln." She said and continued,
"I should have trusted Finn and never brought guns to that meeting with Anya. I should have fought harder to keep Anya alive. I should have woken up earlier so we could have stopped Finn from massacring those people,"
"I should have fought harder to save the people in TonDC. I should have found another way to save my people instead of killing everyone inside the Mountain. I should have never left. I should have just sucked it up and stayed," Clarke said before she continued,
"And you know what else I should have done that I didn't? I should have just been honest with myself, with my feelings, with my heart and I should have been with the woman I love when I had the chance. I should have given us a chance when we could have been together, way before Pike even set his foot here. I should have let her in,"
"I should have let her have her justice for the massacre. I should have fought as hard for her as I fought for all of you, as she fought for me, always. I should have just chosen her. But I didn't , I was stupid, I took her for granted and I lost her forever because of it," Clarke said as tears fell down on her face and sobs threatened to wreck her.
"You asked me what do we do when we realize that we may not be the good guys? And I tell you that we never were the good guys. We just wanted to believe we were so it would make everything we did okay but it doesn't. 'I did it for my people', that is just a pretty excuse for everything screwed up that we do and I am sick of it,"
"We don't do it because it's for our people. I don't do it because it's for my people. I do it because it's easier and I am so damn tired of lying to myself and to everyone. It's time I own my shit, want an advice? Own yours," Clarke said before she walked away, leaving them behind, shocked by everything she just said.