4 (Jun's POV)

Hayama-Kun was always so stubborn and rude. I don't know why he disagreed so adamantly about Isshiki needing help.

I wanted to ask him why, but alas, he'd left already and I wouldn't see him again until Friday night. The Ten stayed in the mansion on campus through the week, how weird. Like a jail.

How I hated the shit out of that.

I hope this ceremony help wasn't something dealing with his religion. But I didn't think he had one. I certainly don't, so I wasn't opposed.

I probably shouldn't of pushed this on him, but Isshiki agreed to help with these dinners and there were so many of them, so it was only natural, in my opinion, that we give in and give him some aid.

Plus, it would be fun. Like a little party or something. I never go out, I thought of it as something different to do. With a bunch of high schoolers though...

I seriously am such an idiot whenever I think of it that way. But I was the one that chose to stay at Totsuki after graduating and become a research scientist, knowing I'd be surrounded by high school students year after year.

At least up on this mountain I never get many visitors. Saves the anxiety on my part of chit chatting with them, I have no idea what to even talk to them about.

There's a few acceptions. Megumi. Isshiki. Soma. That's all, they're decent and pretty easy going, even if Soma is the son of the upper classman that teased that crap out me when I was a freshman at Totsuki!

That Jaichiro! He always got on my nerves! Making me eat his gross new creations!

Cotton candy squid made me sick for a week!

And his son's just the same I hear!

He had Soma really on early on in life, I did the math once already. Jaichiro a senior when I was a first year, by my own deduction, had him when he was 15 almost 16, but aw well, you live and you learn.

Same with the director and Erina.

At the time, none of us had any idea either of them had children and were still in high school.

Viewed by the public as irresponsible that's probably why it was kept so quiet!

But, family talk aside, Isshiki getting a job doing that? Doing something that pertains to how families start? Of all things! It's kind of sweet! Isshiki is a tad weird, I admit that, but the guy has a soft heart.

Well, maybe Friday I'll ask Hayama. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I shouldn't. If it's personal and stuff, then maybe I shouldn't, especially if it's about his past.

"So lonely." I was in the greenhouse watering the plants. I was trying to be more pertinent about it since he was gone more. I hadn't forgotten yet. "Whew." I spoke to myself, or to the plants, I guess. "How the hell do you water all this stuff?"

I knew I had started talking to myself more. Without him around, it was quiet. I didn't see it as a bad habit, but more so just a way to entertain myself.

"It's because you're taller than me. You can reach! I need a step-ladder for everything! Curse my short parents!"

I was done for now though. I really needed to sit down. I worked out through the week, but geez. Up and down a ladder like that takes it out of a person!

'For sure.' Hayama-Kun is better suited for this than me.

I groaned sitting down on the bench in the greenhouse. It was a stone one. I opened my bottle of water taking a quick chug.

"Ah. So much better." I looked around. All the spice plants were so pretty.

I remembered once when I'd spied Hayama in here, it was last year.

He was watering the plants like normal, but it was about a week after he'd hugged me at the tournament. He was almost 16 then, and I'd let my guard down. And I swore... but certainly not. Probably not...

But I remember... He grabbed kind of low, but I think he was just so happy he'd won he wasn't paying attention!

But it's crazy that he's 17 now.

"Can't believe it. Time flies so fast when your having' fun, hmm Hayama?" I said plain to the plants. They were the only ones here.

I seen him in here, that's right. It was a year ago. How could I forget? I had no explaination for what I saw, except to describe it as 'beautiful'.

He had his shirt off.

And...

I felt my face flushing. "Grr! Jun!" I rubbed my cheeks. "What am I thinking right now!" I took a quick secondary chug of my water, slamming the bottle down.

I wanted to say to myself that I was stupid for thinking on that. But I just couldn't.

I could call it out and tell myself to shut up, but my brain wouldn't mentally shut that image out.

I didn't want it too.

He wasn't Hayama-Kun anymore after I'd seen him like that. Kun was just a formality, I've always called him that, but something told me that he wasn't that name anymore.

The old director, when he came and spoke with me about him entering high school here at Totsuki, I'd expressed that I was worried I was taking advantage of him.

But he assured me that he wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be.

And he assured me of another thing, as I found myself stuttering on trying to 'classify' our relationship: 'Well, Jun, someday he will become a man. You are aware of that, and you'll have to figure out what the relationship is. The only reason I ask is because you're his legal guardian, but he's done some great research projects with you, very impressive!'

"I only became your legal guardian because if I didn't, you'd be sent back to India, even though your the lightest skinned Indian person I'd ever seen." I just babbled my thoughts out, no harm in the moment I guess. "Makes me think that maybe you aren't one-hundred percent Indian, but how would I know. You don't even know, do you?"

The director. He was so right.

I shivered, shaking my head.

I felt bad for stopping and staring a year ago, but I was so struck, I was frozen. The director's words tuning through my mind as I let my eyes graze over his light tan skin.

When did he start working out? I hadn't the slightest. His whole upper body was so lean, as always, but he was entirely ripped with muscle.

His long white hair, so unique to him, pulled back in that pony tail, those long bangs that drive me nuts when they hang down.

I viewed him.

"Is it my fault that I felt like I'd gotten slapped?" I chided on, my chest starting to breath heavy. "It was like boom!"

I motioned my hands as an explosion. I was such a little kid sometimes. Ha, I liked that about myself though, one philosophy I held onto was to never grow up too much, unless you had to.

"I looked at him. He was touching lavender. And I watched him pick a peice and put it behind his ear."

I touched the holy basil plant sitting next to me.

He had used some in one of the pre-lims. Too smart, and a quick learner he was.

"It was bright and sunny and his green eyes looked so peaceful. He had no idea I was even there." I sighed, putting my chin on my fist, elbow on a side table. "He is now a man, isn't he?" I spoke to the basil plant, picking up it's pot and setting it in my lap.

I gently touched the leaves. We were both responsible for being able to grow holy basil in Japan. It was a warmer climate plant, and we'd figured out a way.

Together.

"He's been here growing you this whole time. And here I am now, just sitting here with you. It's strange. Isn't it? His absence..." I started to tear up, and sniffled. "It creates such an empty space inside me."

I was true. I had no idea what to do.

They took him. He'd accepted it, but slowly, compared to that moment of peacefulness with lavender in his hair, calm eyes, to now.

"Every Friday he comes back so angry. It's what they're doing to him. And he never talks about it." My tear fell on the plants leaves. "Oop." I wiped it off. The salt from my tears would kill the plant off.

I still held the potted plant but straightened up, more less so I could just sit and cry.

"I'm so torn up. That image." I looked across to where I'd seen him standing. It was a little further down, right where the large area of purple lavender was. "I don't want that to be the last content image of Hayama I have in my mind as I've come to realize that now that he's come to be man."

I cried harder. Damn it. I just couldn't help it!

"Please. Please." I mourned so hard now that my heart felt like it was tearing. "Don't let Hayama turn into a callous man! He's worked too hard, he's done too many great things! Please!"

I couldn't control myself.

"Please just! Let this research we're doing help him relax! It's stupid! I know! I should of said no!" I put the plant down rashly. "But I need his nose! He's right! We're partners! And what's so wrong with a partner wanting the other after week after horrible week to want to have a weekend of freedom, no matter what it entails?"

I attempted to calm myself. I was just screaming at the basil that surrounded me now, like some kind of nut job.

"Deep breaths. Everything is fine." I took in three and let them go. "He's always been independent. Even at eight when I first signed those papers..." I took in air, let it out. "it was already like I was speaking to an adult once he'd finally learned enough Japanese."

I chugged some water.

"And here I am. I told myself I'd never drink again. But this project was too worthwhile to pass on. I'm just so lucky I have someone who cares about me enough to do this with me. We have all this high-tech equipment now, and I have a patent."

My tears were slowing but my heart didn't feel any better.

"But what about what you want Hayama-Kun?" I sighed. "When will it be that you'll ever tell me what you want? I never have any idea at all." I breathed in a few, standing, ready to leave. I really needed a nap. This crying was taking it out of me also.

"I just want you to be happy instead of being sad." I talked and walked, since I'd been watering them more, I'd began to realize I liked running my fingers over the plants, feeling the textures as I walked out.

"And here I am, getting all blushed like a moron when you used your finger to turn my chin. It's because now that I see you as a man, I just have no idea how to respond to stuff like that."

It's true. As a child he'd do it occasionally to get my attention, and I'd just laugh it off, a bossy brat he was.

But he does the same stuff now. It's my mind that's changed that makes me react like that, and I have zero gumption to want to tell him to stop because that would openly express that perhaps I don't want to be touched in that sort of way. Plus, it might give away that I see him different.

Which I don't want.

That starts questions which would shoot my anxiety through the roof.

Also, it's not like it's bad or anything, those little touches, him brushing my bangs around, I don't mind that he does that, because he always has, just like his chin on top of my head.

I don't mind that either really to be honest. I always smirk back to him, so he knows I don't actually care.

My hands brushed over the plants, I was almost out of the hot greenhouse.

"My head hurts." I opened the door and shut it behind me, in the main part of the house finally. The air conditioning hit me. "I just want Hayama to be a good man. To have a good heart. And to make his own choices. And I want to sacrifice something for him every once in awhile too. He does so much for me."

Then without foresight, a realization smacked me right across the face, which made me put a hand on the back of the couch where he'd been sitting while I was on the phone with Isshiki prior.

"You always sacrifice it all for me don't you?" My brown hair, I brushed it back, my ponytail had gotten so long.

It was such a gentlemanly thing to do.

So, it wasn't just physical appearance. It was how he was. Even though being in the Ten makes him callous, I had to remember.

He was sacrificing himself... for me.

"Since when did you become this, and I've never noticed?" I sat down now.

I sighed.

"Just relax on these weekend adventures. Okay? Let loose." I spoke like I was speaking to him. If only he was here.

Rain started to pound down on the window. I gave into his wants on this.

So, all I could hope was that he could just let it go for awhile to ease some tension. It wasn't the best medicine, but they throw away his cinnamon sticks that I give him.

He told me just to stop giving them to him. They're for his heart. The aroma always made him smile.

I wanted more of that smile. Was that selfish of me? I wasn't sure.

"I'm lonely without you Hayama. Someday, I hope I can set you free of the choice that you made to save me and my dreams." A small tear fell down my face and I could feel it land on my knee, as I was wearing shorts. "I saved you once from India. I'd save you again. I just don't know how."

I'd save you over and over Hayama.

Over and over.

All to see you standing there again with you unknowing I'm watching. Gentle. Quiet. Mist green eyes placid.

Truly. You deserve to be that way. The rest of your life.