AN: And to make up for the shortness of last chapter, here's a super long one! :D I'm actually super nervous- I'm going to meet Renee at a con this weekend, and I'm going to wear my Gabrielle cosplay, and I'm just kind of freaking out about it. That leads to a lot of writing, so yeah. I hope you guys all enjoy the results of my terror!
Disclaimer: I do not own Xena.
It was late by the time Gabrielle entered the hut, tired but excited- they had finished the last of the ceremonies that would give Ephiny her powers as regent, had finished going over everything Gabrielle would need to know, had readied everything for her departure. They would leave that next morning, and be back on the road before they knew it.
She had expected Xena to smile, to be excited at getting back out into the world. She had expected her to be slightly sad about leaving the children behind, even if it would give them back a modicum of privacy. She had expected Xena to be impatient, itching to get out there and fight a real fight, save some people, to continue redeeming herself.
She hadn't expected suspicion when Xena looked at her, nor had she expected her to hold up the scroll she had been reading from, or motion towards the scrolls lying next to her, all partially unfurled. A scroll that Xena held out towards her, words facing her, so Gabrielle could see the story the parchment held.
The story of how Xena had died and come back to life, the story Gabrielle had just finished preventing.
"How do you know about Caesar? And Mi'lila? Gabrielle, what is this?"
She wasn't ready. She hadn't been expecting Xena to read her scrolls for years, hadn't expected to have to explain herself to her friend, hadn't even thought of what she would say if Xena did discover her scrolls. For a long moment Gabrielle just stood there, her eyes wide, frozen as Xena continued to stare, danger and suspicion in her gaze.
So she told her the truth. Or, at least, in part.
"You have the gift of sight?"
It was the truth. Gabrielle had had dreams that had come true before, like their fight with the Persians, or the one time she had dreamt about their cow giving birth to twins, or the handful of other times that she had had dreams that had come true. So when Gabrielle slid into a chair before Xena and said those five words- "I can see the future."- she was, in fact, telling the truth. Just not about this.
"Why hadn't you told me before," Xena demanded, motioning towards the scrolls- scrolls that held six years of adventures, all the ones Gabrielle could remember, all the ones she was slowly rewriting as she changed the course of history. "And what are all these scrolls? Visions? What have you been writing?"
"I didn't tell you, Xena," Gabrielle said, slipping in as Xena took a breath, before she could continue speaking, "because even I don't know what's real and what's not. I wrote hundreds of scrolls before we met, and while some of them have come true, so many haven't. I wrote a scroll where Perdicas and I were married and he died the next day. Clearly, not the truth."
For this world, perhaps, but the tension in Xena's shoulders began to lessen as she spoke, so Gabrielle continued.
"I have my dreams," Gabrielle said, "but things can change that cause them to be wrong. I only see what's destined to be from the moment I see it, not the changes that come when something goes differently. I've been rewriting the scrolls as things change, to show our adventures, but even I'm not sure what's real and what's just a dream."
"Some of it's clearly true," Xena said with a sigh, motioning towards the scrolls she had sprawled out- only the scrolls about her death, her resurrection, and the fight with Valecsa and Callisto, luckily. Gabrielle couldn't help but shudder at the idea of how Xena would have reacted to her knowledge of Britannia, or Chin, or the many other dark secrets Xena had only revealed to her in time, secrets Xena deserved to keep for now. "These dreams, do they show you the past as well?"
"No," Gabrielle said with a shake of her head. "No, in my dream you told me everything that had happened, once you were alive again. If you hadn't confirmed it now," she said with a wiry grin, trying to lighten the mood, "I would just think it was a dream. But this..." She reached out and brushed her fingers over the words, over the section she knew Xena was stuck at- her own crucifixion. "This is all real?"
She knew it was, but wanted to give Xena the chance. The chance to confirm, to deny, whatever Xena felt comfortable with. And Xena nodded, sitting back in her chair, actually relaxing for the first time since Gabrielle had entered the hut.
"Unfortunately," Xena confirmed, her arms crossing in front of her as she spoke. "I was young and foolish back then, and I trusted people I shouldn't have. That betrayal led me on a rampage unlike anything the world had ever seen before." She let the words hang between them, almost asking Gabrielle to say something; she didn't. She let Xena decide how much she would reveal- it wasn't like she didn't already know it all, the proof was in the scrolls. But if Xena wanted to retell the story, then Gabrielle would let her.
She didn't, though, instead just once again motioned towards the pile of scrolls still in Gabrielle's bag- the many that were still to come, the events that might never happen but that had been recorded by her hand on parchment.
"Why didn't you tell me?" A repeated question, though this time softer. Gentler. Xena wasn't demanding, just curious. "Even if some of them are just dreams, we could change the ones that turn out to be true."
"Does it matter," Gabrielle finally asked as an answer, breaking the silence that had fallen once again between them. "I don't know what's real and what's a story, and to spend our lives worrying about things that might never come would do what? Make us sick with worry, thinking our every misstep could cause some horrible event to come to light? There's no point in that, Xena." Gabrielle shook her head, forcing as much of a smile as she could. "I just knew that my destiny led to you," she finished. "And come what may, whether those scrolls are right or wrong, we'll face what they make together."
Xena didn't say anything, couldn't find anything to say after Gabrielle's little proclamation. Instead she just stood, offered her hand to Gabrielle, and pulled her out of her chair and into a hug, a tight, almost bruising squeeze that Gabrielle returned just as hard as she could, holding onto Xena with everything she had. They just stayed like that for a while before Xena finally pulled back, just enough to place a kiss on Gabrielle's forehead.
"What I read..." Xena said, her head tilting towards the scrolls ever so slightly. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, even if it was just a dream."
"A dream it'll remain," Gabrielle replied. She leaned forward, resting her head on Xena's chest while Xena's arms tightened once more, keeping her close. "For that, I'm thankful."
They parted eventually; Xena had to check over Argo and her tack, make sure there weren't any last minute repairs that needed to be done before they left in the morning. Plus, her shadows were waiting in the shade of a tree a few huts down the road from their own- they would want to spend one last evening hanging out with her, and again, though she would never admit it, Xena found herself liking their company.
Gabrielle stayed in the hut, and carefully, oh so carefully, began to sort her scrolls. The ones she had rewritten, the adventures that had already happened, the ones that were safe for Xena to read she slid into one bag, making only a loose knot to hold it closed- almost inviting, if the warrior wanted something to read in the future, since she had expressed such an early interest in her scrolls in this life. The others, the ones that were to come, Gabrielle packed away, wrapping each one in a scrap of cloth and tying them shut; shutting out the future past that she hoped would never come to be. Some, the ones she was sure wouldn't see much change, she left towards the top. Deterrents, blocks, time wasters just in case Xena couldn't resist the temptation of knowing the future.
The others she almost burned before deciding otherwise, stuffing them into the bottom of that sack, the tales of Britannia and Chin and Japa buried as she hoped to bury them in this life.
They left early that next morning to the sounds of sad children and Amazons awaiting their return. To promises of them always having a home in the tribe, and calls to be safe in their journey.
They traveled in silence. A silence Gabrielle wasn't used to- a silence filled with tension, strong enough to be felt, heavy and thick and layered with thoughts they couldn't breach. It lightened ever so slightly as they walked, a few degrees as the day passed around them, but by the time they stopped for dinner (neither of them had been hungry for lunch, and so neither had called for a rest, just kept on going) it still existed.
Gabrielle knew exactly why, knew what was going on in Xena's mind- she knew Xena better than Xena knew herself, and it's wasn't hard to guess. It hurt, but wasn't hard.
"Do you want me to leave?"
There's a moment of panic in Xena's gaze as she freezes with her mouth half full of food; Gabrielle hadn't been paying attention when she asked, and had caught her in the middle of a bite. Quickly, though, Xena recovered, shaking her head as she quickly mashed the mouthful of meat into something she could swallow. Gabrielle waited as she coughed for a moment, taking a long drink from their waterskin, before turning to face her fully.
"Gabrielle, why would you think that?" Xena sounded honestly surprised, almost hurt by Gabrielle's suggestion, and that lightened Gabrielle's heart ever so slightly.
"I can feel the tension, Xena," Gabrielle pointed out, giving a weak little shrug. "You've barely spoken to me all day. All I can think is that you don't want me around anymore."
It hurt to say the words, hurt to acknowledge what she believed Xena wanted, but Gabrielle didn't blame her. Though, she couldn't help but smile when Xena once again shook her head.
"Gabrielle..." Xena sighed as she put her food off to the side and shifted closer, one arm held out in invitation; one that Gabrielle happily accepted. Wrapping her arm around Gabrielle's shoulders, Xena stared into the fire for a moment as she worked through her words, trying to figure out what she wanted to say. "I'm just...not used to traveling with my own personal oracle, I guess," she said jokingly, though she sighed again when Gabrielle didn't respond. "I've been wondering if it was better to know the future, so I can change something if the scroll is real, or if it'd be better for me to know not. Knowing can have its advantages, but like you said..."
"It can drive you mad," Gabrielle filled in softly, her voice quiet in the night. She didn't know what she wanted to say, wasn't sure about the words that hovered on her tongue. But she curled closer into Xena's side, pressed herself closer to her, and waited.
"Probably," Xena eventually agreed, leaning down to place a kiss on the top of Gabrielle's head. "Does it bug you, knowing?"
"Occasionally." A half-truth, once again a partial lie- Gabrielle couldn't help but feel like that was what their lives had become. Lies hidden behind the truth, truth masquerading as the entire story while so many important pieces were left out, hidden, forgotten until their time drew near.
This Xena hadn't lived through the events the first one had. If she knew what was to come, if she knew the heartbreak and betrayal they would live through if Gabrielle couldn't change it, would this Xena be strong enough? Would she be able to handle it all, if Gabrielle told her the truth?
She wasn't sure, and part of Gabrielle hated herself for the doubt sown within her against her soulmate, against the most important person in her life, but she couldn't. Not yet. One day she would tell her everything, that Gabrielle swore to herself.
But for now? For now she held her tongue, and held Xena even tighter as they climbed into bed, her arm around her waist and her head on her shoulder, listening to Xena's heartbeat.
The traveling lightened afterwards, the two of them chatting comfortably or falling into companionable silence, but always something purposely light. Xena had made some decision- what it was, Gabrielle wasn't sure, but it was something that had brought her friend peace, so she didn't try to pry.
She was just glad that they fell back into who they were, joking and playing their games, getting on each other's nerves and practicing their fights. Though, this time Xena actually had to try; when Xena first suggested that Gabrielle try and hit her with the staff, Gabrielle was able to do it the third time she tried, smacking Xena across the ass and causing her to yelp, Gabrielle failing to bite back her laughter as the warrior turned to stare in surprise. It became harder to catch her off guard from then on, but occasionally she did.
It's simple, friendly, and it keeps her mind occupied as they get back on the track of their lives.
It's nice to see Minya again, though Gabrielle can't help but spend her time rolling her eyes over her obsession with Hower. This time, after talking doesn't work, she takes a much more direct approach:
When, out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of Minya and Hower coming towards them, about to interrupt Xena's planning with some random complaint, Gabrielle interrupts her instead, grabbing her breastplate and pulling her into a less than platonic kiss. A kiss Xena, much to her surprise, returns after a moment. It doesn't last long, just enough to make an impression, before Gabrielle pulls away and leaves Xena to her planning, walking past the couple on her way out.
She can't help the small "Like you said, Hower is yours. Xena is mine." to Minya as she passes, just loud enough for Hower to hear. It works, though, and from then on the man almost actively tries to avoid them. Though Minya takes his place, alternating between following after Xena and Gabrielle, asking what she clearly thought were sly questions that were just too obvious. It was cute, in a way (Gabrielle knew she hadn't just heard the word 'thespian'), but almost just as distracting.
It works out, of course. Xena gives Minya hints on how to act if she wanted the world to think her tough (thus sending her down the path to being a Xena wannabe), Xena kills the giant, and soon after they leave the little town of Laurel, accepting the thanks of the returning villagers and turning away their coin as they set off to create their camp.
Neither talk about the kiss, of course, but Gabrielle can feel Xena staring at her. Staring, considering, a hundred different emotions practically rolling off the normally stoic woman.
They eventually split ways: just like last time, Diana once again needed Xena's help, and Xena, with a soft spot for the Queen- for her 'sisters,' as they had taken to calling her and Meg- agrees to go. She leaves Gabrielle behind to catch up later and heads off on Argo, disappearing down the hill within just a few minutes.
The moment she's gone from eyesight, Gabrielle finds herself pulled into a hug, surrounded by pink and roses and her face pressed against a very familiar pair of breasts.
"Hey sweetpea. Long time, no see."
Aphrodite, perhaps almost as much as the Fates, remembers. She remembers the first life they had all lived, remembered their friendship, remembered how the Olympians had been destroyed by their own foolish fears. She remembered it all. More than almost any other god, she kept her memories.
"Sweetheart," Aphrodite laughed when Gabrielle finally asked how, after the goddess had poofed them into her home on Mount Olympus so they could catch up, "I've been studying psychology for the last four thousand years. A couple of repressed memories have nothing on me."
It was good, getting to see her again. Even in the last life, it had been a while, the goddess too busy with restoring the world after she and Xena had managed to get her her powers back. But now the world was calm, peace and love in balance with war and hate, and the goddess of love could afford a lazy afternoon, what with her son picking up the slack. So a lazy afternoon they had, just talking, actually talking. Not about the latest catastrophe waiting on the horizon, not about whatever great world ending problem had arrived, but just talking.
Aphrodite introduced her to Bliss, the little boy almost immediately falling asleep the moment he climbed into Gabrielle's lap. They talked about Gabrielle's feelings for Xena, and how things were developing on that front. Aphrodite even showed her some of the changes she had already created in the world: the little boy she had saved during the war was doing well, thriving with his friends. Perdicas had finally gone home of his own accord, was courting a young woman, and seemed happier. He spent a little too much time in the tavern, yes, but he seemed lighter. Less weighed down then he had last been. Even Velesca seemed to be doing well. She didn't seem happy, no, but she seemed at least content. Having lost her followers, lost her power, she had moved on to a different tribe where she was thriving. Word had followed her, how she had demanded a fight and lost, so the queen there wasn't trusting her, no, but at least had accepted her.
It did her some good, seeing the physical evidence of the changes she had been able to make so far, and for that Gabrielle was thankful to Aphrodite. More than she could say or show, because that meant it was working. She was changing this world, a little bit at a time, and that gave her hope. Hope that this wasn't just a futile exercise in insanity, and that she would, when it came time, actually be able to save Xena.
They continued on the afternoon like that, resting, doing each other's hair and trying on clothes, relaxing in tubs as large as small lakes but warm. Aphrodite seemed almost intent on pampering her, and while it made Gabrielle cringe sometimes (Aphrodite might be the goddess of love, yes, but she was no goddess of fashion), she accepted it warmly. It was nice, seeing her friend once again.
Aphrodite put her down right behind Joxer, close enough that Gabrielle could clearly make out the words of the song he kept insisting on singing. It was late; another half hour of walking would get them to the town, and by then it would be time to pay for a room at the inn and sleep. As fun as their afternoon had been, it was time for them to part.
Aphrodite left her with a kiss on her cheek, a lipstick stain that quickly faded from view, leaving Gabrielle a little bit warmer than normal. But she just smiled and hugged her friend again before Aphrodite disappeared in a shower of sparkles and the slightest hint of roses and violets, leaving Gabrielle alone to call out for Joxer.
They arrive to find the city in full celebration- the prince and the princess had eloped to get married, joining their two kingdoms, and peace was assured for generations to come.
It was easy to prove Meleagor innocent, now that she knew the right questions to ask. And while she still got kidnapped (she had lost track of time, of where they were, and while she'd broken quite a few bones without her staff, twelve against one just wasn't fair) and taken to the castle to marry the dead king, it was easier for Gabrielle to reveal the king's death to the council when the general tried to pass her off as Queen material. Xena still showed up blind and dependent on Palaemon, but she was welcomed in by the court and her eyes tended to (though she immediately, upon seeing the outfit the council had insisted Gabrielle wear until the coronation of the new king was complete, burst out laughing), making them none the worse for wear.
It hurt, making sure Xena would be by the sea when Ulysses showed up. Part of Gabrielle had wanted to be selfish, to leave the man to fend for himself and to avoid Xena's temptation. But that wasn't the point of this. This entire journey was to change things, yes, to keep Xena alive, but not at the expense of other people's suffering. Part of Gabrielle had wanted to, but that part was no better than Ares, wanting to control, to own, to possess Xena instead of love her. So Gabrielle made sure to suggest they head towards the sea, even though Xena had brought up the idea of going north, and she made sure they were there.
There when the pirates showed up. There when Ulysses needed their help. There to make sure Xena met and fell in love with him.
Except she didn't.
Sure, she laughed with him, joked with him, even returned his flirting once or twice, but she never kissed him. Never told him she loved him. Never let him believe there could ever be anything more. She treated him like a warrior, a friend, but nothing more. And though she spent some time with him, mourned the loss of his wife with him, the amount of that time was small, in comparison to what it had been. Instead, Xena stayed focused on their task, on their mission, and kept them all alive.
And when he approached her below deck, while Gabrielle pretended to sleep, when he asked her to marry him, to stay with him on Ithaca? Xena said no.
"I don't understand," Ulysses said, his head cocked to the side. "I thought you liked me."
"I do," Xena confirmed, the sound of her hand landing on his shoulder in a friendly pat loud enough for Gabrielle to hear over her pounding heart. "You're a great man, Ulysses."
"And you're a great woman," he continued before Xena could. "Together, we could do amazing things."
"Probably, yes." The sound of Xena's boots on the wood, a sound Gabrielle had gotten used to over the last few days. Most of her time had been spent in her hammock, fighting off the effects of the seasickness (even with the pressure point, secretly used whenever Xena wasn't nearby to see, her stomach still turned. Though, whether it was the ocean or the man who made it so, Gabrielle wasn't entirely sure). There she had spent her time listening as Xena paced back and forward to check the ropes, the sails, everything that needed to be checked. It was a comforting sound, in a way. "But we can't be together when my heart belongs to another."
A heavy pause, a stillness that almost seemed to freeze the ocean itself, before Ulysses let out a heavy sigh and asked, with almost a disappointed voice, "Gabrielle?"
Xena didn't respond, but then she didn't need to. They all heard the answer in her silence. Ulysses left to check their course, Xena set about examining the map that she kept pinned to the table in the center of the room, and Gabrielle, her heart settling back in her chest, went to sleep. This time without worrying about what the future would hold.
They snuck into the castle, Ulysses strung his bow (with Xena's help), and the rightful king of Ithaca was returned to his throne. This time without a bittersweet goodbye, as she and Xena loaded onto the ship that would take them home.
It...wasn't easy, stopping the war between the Hoard and the Athenians, nor was it easy to watch Xena sink into her darkness. But it was easier than it had been to sneak out earlier on, a couple of skins of water hanging from her belt as she searched for and tended to the men who were still alive. Easier in that she knew she wouldn't die, at least not yet. Knew that the men approaching would get their own wounded, would leave her alone, had determined that she wasn't a threat to them, or anyone, really (oh if only they knew). She knew how to end this war, and so it was easy to act on it.
Xena's rage, however, wasn't easy to see.
"You could have been killed, Gabrielle," Xena seethed the moment they were back in the commander's room, her voice just barely kept in check as she released the hold she had gotten on Gabrielle's arm the moment they were back inside. But Gabrielle knew she wanted to scream, could see she was shaking with her repressed desire to lash out at the thing making her angry but was keeping herself in check because that thing was Gabrielle. "What in Tartarus were you thinking?"
"They were dying, Xena," Gabrielle said, rubbing where Xena had grabbed her; not hard enough to bruise, but enough to hurt, Xena's worry and her anger making her reckless. "I had to do something to comfort them. And all dying men want water. Besides," she pointed out, "they didn't hurt me. They just came to get their own wounded."
"I saw," Xena said, though the words sounded bitter on her tongue. "Perhaps they're not quite the monsters I thought they were. But I need to be sure, perhaps capture one and try to interrogate them..." Her voice trailed off as her thoughts wandered for a moment, but quickly she returned. "Don't ever do something like that again." Without warning Xena turned and grabbed her once again, pulling Gabrielle into an almost crushing hug, Xena's face pressed hard into her hair.
She was shaking, hard, and only shook harder when Gabrielle reached up and held her. They had only been there a day; Xena hadn't sunk yet, hadn't given into her darkness, not entirely. She was still the Xena Gabrielle knew, instead of the Xena Gabrielle feared to meet. And this Xena was the one who could be scared.
"I thought I was going to lose you," Xena whispered softly, placing a kiss on the top of Gabrielle's head. "They told me you were outside the walls, alone, and my heart stopped. Please, Gabrielle, don't scare me like that again. I couldn't stand to lose you."
Gabrielle pulled back, ever so slightly, so she could look up at Xena, so she could reach up and wipe away the moisture she knew would be gathering in her eyes. So she could promise that she was alright, that things were going to be ok. To show that she was alive and had no plans of changing that anytime soon.
Instead Xena leaned down and kissed her, long and slow and gentle, her hand reaching up to cup Gabrielle's face. And instead Gabrielle kissed her back, her own tears the one to fall as they kissed.
How long, between both worlds, had it been since they had shared a kiss of love? Not a kiss to fool, not a kiss to comfort, not a kiss to drive away the nightmares that occasionally clung to them, but an actual kiss of love? The love that Gabrielle had burned the world for one more chance at finding?
Too long. Too long, and finally the kiss broke, Xena's thumb wiping away the tears that wet her cheek as she gently shushed her, trying to calm the storm she hadn't realize her actions would cause. Gabrielle just laughed and kissed her again, smiling through the blurred vision whenever they parted only to kiss her again when her vision was clear once more.
That was how Mercer found them, when he came to get orders for himself and the men, signaling the end of their time alone. But this time Xena didn't sink further into her darkness. Instead she ordered the men to attack, to take a prisoner, and to bring him to her.
It was easy to lay the trap, get one of them alone and bring him into camp. Easy for Xena, now that she had realized these were men, just men she was dealing with instead of the monsters she had feared for so long, to figure out about their code. Easy for her to demand a duel with their leader, and easy to win.
The hoard retreated, accepting their defeat at her hands, and the men rejoiced. Rejoiced and packed up to go home, none of them willing to stay in such a cursed place.
A place she and Xena left as well, determined to get as far from the blood and death as they could. Determined to find somewhere good to spend their time, where they could relax and figure out what it was between them. They didn't talk about it, not there, at least; it felt almost disrespectful to talk about love where so many had been lost.
But they almost didn't need to. Gentle touches that passed between them with ease became the norm as they traveled; falling asleep not just next to but actively curled around each other was more common than it was not; a casual kiss when they passed each other in the morning to say hello, a careful kiss at night to wish each other lovely dreams. It was simple, simple and clean and pure, and it wasn't something that needed to be put into words. Not just yet. Not when they found themselves fighting bandits every other day, or on cursed ships trying to teach the captain about love, or any of the other obstacles that kept them from talking.
Gabrielle was happy with it as it was. Things were ok, were good, and they would find a time to talk, eventually.
'Eventually' ended up being after a small child with wings, despite Gabrielle's warnings to Aphrodite to pass on to Cupid about baby Bliss being left alone with his bows and arrows, decided to mess with everyone's hearts.