In a Flash
See part 1 for description, disclaimer, pairing, etc.
First off, apologies for taking so long. Time just got away from me since I was actually working on the story, just not this particular part. I got ideas for future chapters and ran with them… Hopefully this chapter doesn't appear too neglected.
In any case, another sincere thank you to everyone who has left me reviews so far – your kind words are amazing, and it thrills me that people are enjoying my story so much. I mean, I am writing it for you guys. If people weren't reading, I wouldn't be writing – I already know what happens, lol, so I'm not writing for me! So thanks a bunch.
Oh, and let me know about length/wordiness on this chapter? For some reason it got super-long without much actually happening… Bad? Good? I can't tell…
Next… Well, apparently I'm more transparent than Saran Wrap. Oh well. I knew it wouldn't exactly be brain surgery to read between the lines and figure out that Lorelai would on the short-list to be an instant mom. But hopefully I can keep up the interest anyway – I've got some tricks up my sleeve that will hopefully make up for it…
Also, something that crossed my mind as I was sketching out some future dialogue – the Gilmores are very opinionated and sometimes less than PC on the show, be it about music, clothes, social issues, names, politics, whatever. So that's how I'm always going to write them. What I have them say as characters in my stories may or may not reflect my own opinions, but I just wanted to let you all know I'm not out to offend anybody with anything I write. Just take whatever it is with a grain of salt and focus on the big picture. It's all about trying to keep them in character :)
For a split second, Lorelai's words hung in the balmy air of the late spring afternoon, as tangible an entity as the car next to them, or the tree a few yards beyond. As she stood there, still in her dumbfounded daze, she swore she could see Martha and Davy's names neatly printed in one of those cartoon-y word bubbles hovering in front of her.
Until the bubble burst.
Emily's reaction came first, her shrill refutation of Lorelai's claims ringing out over the gentle hills of the cemetery louder than a banshee, "You can't be serious!"
Rory, hardly believing that she could have possibly been right in her mental-dot-connecting, breathed a hushed "Oh my God…", her face frozen in an expression of stunned shock.
And as if he didn't quite grasp the reality of the notion Lorelai had just put forth, Richard eyed his daughter disapprovingly over the rim of his glasses and reprimanded her for what was surely one of her silly 'jokes' that he never seemed to understand, "Lorelai, this is hardly the time for such foolishness."
Lorelai shrugged, the gesture acting in part as explanation, as apology, and an indicator of the lingering stupor that still dictated her every action. "Colleen just told me," she added simply, not really caring at that point how anyone else took her words. All she cared about was trying to process herself…
As the reality of the words sank in for Rory, as much of a shock as they were, she knew that the blow would have been exponentially harder for Lorelai. She rushed to her mother's side, immediately setting out to offer any words of comfort or support she could, given that she was also having a little trouble standing for the time being, "Mom…"
But as usual, Emily also threw her unsolicited two cents in, cutting Rory off. "Well you certainly can't take them Lorelai," she declared, head held high, lips primly pursed between sentences. Emily quickly finished her diatribe in a huff, appearing utterly annoyed that such a preposterous notion dared to take up valuable time in her daily routine, "It's highly inappropriate. Not to mention completely irresponsible."
Lorelai remained wordless, apparently unaffected by even Emily's words. Which unnerved Rory more than anything; her mom always matched her grandmother, biting word for biting word. "Mom, are you ok?" she begged softly.
"I'm fine," Lorelai asserted flatly, though her wavering voice betrayed her to everyone. Emily included.
Until that shaky reply from her daughter, Emily had assumed the absurd conversation would end then and there, cut and dry, just a bit of nonsense. She'd even begun a turn towards the car in an attempt to get back to her original plan of departing the cemetery. But that one little utterance had her whirling back around. A quick once over of Lorelai told her immediately that this was not shaping to be an open-and-shut case. Horrified, she let out another incredulous screech, "You're not actually thinking about this are you? So help me Lorelai…"
Before the attack could go any further, Richard found the sense to intervene, quieting Emily and diplomatically rearticulating her outburst. "Surely a family member would be better suited to caring for the children, Lorelai," he chided, more than a hint of patronization tainting his words.
Lorelai shrugged yet again, almost apologetically, as she remained unconvincing in any attempts to appear as if she had any idea what the hell she was supposed to be feeling.
Which was still not lost on Emily. "Lorelai! This is insane!" she shrieked.
"Grandma…" Rory jumped in, trying valiantly to calm things down and give Lorelai a little breathing room.
Her efforts were in vain, as Emily tossed yet another punch, "You can't possibly take on two infants!"
"I know!" Lorelai exploded, finally having reached her limit. Did no one else realize that she could scarcely keep herself standing? Did her parents seriously not realize how huge this was? That she couldn't even breathe, never mind rationalize or process anything that had taken place over the past fifteen minutes? Or the past week, for that matter? "I don't know… I don't know…" she whimpered, any resolve she may have had momentarily fading as quickly as it had appeared. Burying her face in her hands, she wailed one final reluctant admission, "I don't know what I'm doing…"
The rest of the group fell silent. Lorelai took the opportunity to try and compose herself. Taking a few deep breaths, she raised her head back up, forcing a bright smile. "I need to go home," she declared with false amiability, determined not to let Emily get to her any more than she already had. Spinning around purposefully, she addressed Luke and Rory curtly, "You guys ready?"
Luke, blown away by the scene as it unfolded before him and floored by the initial statement that had begotten it, had found it far easier to remain silent on the sidelines up to that point. With the spotlight suddenly on him, he was able to stammer only an oh-so eloquent, "Um…"
"Lorelai!" Emily admonished, unwilling to allow things to be left in such a manner.
"Mom, please," Lorelai pleaded, "I, I just… I need to think. Or not think," she corrected, the hint of hysteria from a few moments ago creeping back into her voice. "I don't know. I… We're going home, ok? I'll," she faltered, not really knowing what she could say – she didn't know what was going to happen once she walked away from that very spot and went on with her life… "I'll see you Friday." And she turned to leave.
She hadn't even taken a second step when she froze, realizing that, however unfortunately, she couldn't end things there. Purposely not turning back around to face him, lest he see the pains it took to ask a favor of him, Lorelai addressed her father haltingly, "Dad, if I need… some legal-type person… can I call you?"
Brow furrowed as he spoke, Richard replied slowly, "Well, I suppose…."
"Richard!" Emily gasped.
Facing her parents once again, Lorelai sent her mother a withering glare before thanking her father sincerely, "That's great dad, thanks." Grateful for the connection to legal advice, her second departing speech was tailored to be slightly more polite than the first, "I appreciate you guys coming here today, we'll see you for dinner on Friday. We're heading out." And with that, she took off towards Rory's car.
Rory scampered after her, still trying to figure out the necessary amount of damage control, "Mom?"
But at that point, already one verbal explosion behind her, Lorelai was working with a short fuse. "Rory," she snapped, whirling around to face her daughter, "Home now." Luke of course, bless his quiet loner heart, still hadn't said anything to incense her, so the demand she directed at him, while still a demand, managed to disguise itself as a soft question, "Luke?"
Luke, his mind reeling as it was, still knew enough not to argue with Lorelai in such a state. He mumbled a quick, "I'm comin'…" and jogged off after her.
Once Rory and Luke caught up to Lorelai at the car, they found her yanking frantically at the handle of the locked back door. "Can we open this please?" she cried, sounding more and more distraught.
"Mom, why?" Rory approached cautiously, gesturing to the back seat that Lorelai seemed to desperate to occupy. Her mother never sat in the back seat…
"Just sit up there," Lorelai ordered, waving Rory away to the front seat, "I need to think…"
"You can't just…" Rory protested, only to find herself faced with the slam of the back door. Luke had unlocked the car… But she was unwilling to let things remain where they stood. Dashing around to the driver's side of the car, she nudged Luke, urging him to just get in and drive, before she jumped into the back seat as well, addressing Lorelai sternly as Luke obliged and began the trek back to Stars Hollow. "Mom, talk to me!"
Cursing herself for not re-locking the other back door, Lorelai shifted away from Rory's prying eyes, pressing her forehead against the cool glass of the window. "Rory, please…" came her plaintive plea for a little peace and quiet.
But Rory babbled on, "Are you thinking of taking them? Are you gonna take them? What about Colleen, or Jackson's mom and dad?" For all her efforts to try and ward off Emily and Richard's comments, she'd stepped right into their role, demanding answers Lorelai was no where near ready to give.
"They're old," was Lorelai's stilted attempt at appeasing Rory.
"What?" Rory asked, the 'they' of Lorelai's words a little unclear. "Who?"
When she got no response, she tried again, "Mom?"
"Sookie wanted me," Lorelai whispered, though it may have been more a realization for here than a response to any of Rory's questions.
Taken aback by the apparent intimation in Lorelai's last statement, Rory's face contorted into soft confusion, "You're gonna do it?"
"I don't know…" Lorelai trailed off weakly, her resolve crumbling, "I think I have to…"
Until those words crossed Lorelai's lips, Luke had been trying to force himself to concentrate on traffic, driving, exits, anything but what was going to happen with Lorelai and those kids. But her quiet admission was something he couldn't ignore. His gaze darted up to the rearview mirror, searching out Lorelai's eyes for some sort of silent explanation. But it was no use. She remained focused somewhere out the window.
Only when Rory put forward a gentle, "I'll help. If you do…" did Lorelai turn to face the car's interior. And even then, it wasn't to look at Luke.
Lorelai rolled her eyes in Rory's direction before turning back to the window. She was getting way ahead of herself… "Rory, please…" she tried again, really just wanting quiet, if for nothing else to ease the pounding headache that was setting in.
But by that point, Rory was beyond simple offers of support. Her brain had gone into investigative reporter mode, any thought that crossed her mind flying out of her mouth in a verbal barrage of questions to Lorelai, "Where would they go? We only have two bedrooms. Would you move to Sookie's house? And Martha's only a month old! You'll have them until they're at least eighteen. We couldn't even pay for me for school…"
Stung by the insinuation Rory's last statement held, Lorelai tore her eyes from the trees at the side of the road long enough to send a menacing glare across the seat of the car. "So not the time," she warned harshly.
"Sorry…" Rory reluctantly apologized, knowing she'd crossed a line. Not that her questions were over by any means… "But what about work? You've got the whole Dragonfly to run, especially now without…"
That's when Lorelai hit the breaking point. She was emotionally maxed out. Fists clenched, eyes squeezed shut, she let it rip, "God, stop!"
The shriek took Luke by surprise; he barely caught himself before slamming on the brakes out of reflex.
And Rory, having been yelled at in such a strong manner fewer times in her life than she had fingers on her left hand, shrank as far away from Lorelai as she possibly could in the tiny car.
No one spoke a word for the remainder of the drive.
When they finally reached the Gilmore driveway, Luke parked behind the Jeep, and the three just sat there.
It was Rory who broke first, muttering something about the bathroom as she climbed out of the car to head inside.
And then there were two.
Luke could certainly tell that Lorelai, lost in her thoughts, hadn't even really noticed that she was home, and would probably not be making a move to get out of the car any time soon. So he pocketed the keys, made sure her door was unlocked, got out, and made his way to the door she'd plastered herself up against.
With a soft knock on the window to tear her from her gaze, Luke carefully pulled the door open slowly.
Now, he'd been expecting to have to help her up from her seat, possibly even carry her into the house. He hadn't expected her to suddenly spring to life, launching at him, throwing her arms around his neck and burying her face against his shoulder.
Not that he was complaining.
She clung to him, just standing there in the driveway for longer than either of them knew. Luke stroked her hair, rubbed her back soothingly; she breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of him as she tried to will away the craziness in her head.
At some point, Luke was feeling brave, and whispered in her ear, "You ok?"
He got a muffled, "Mmmmph" in return from somewhere in the depths of his suit jacket.
"Lorelai…" he began again cautiously, pulling away from her just enough to coax her to look him in the eye.
Lorelai knew immediately where he was going with that 'Lorelai.' And she wanted to talk to him, she really did. "Luke…" But she just couldn't talk yet. "You were in the car, right?" she asked, gesturing behind her with disdain, "I can't do this now… I can't even think…"
Luke acquiesced, nodding silently as he pulled her back to him and continued to rub her back. He wanted to talk things over, but he knew pushing her any further would only serve to get her angry with him as well.
And as suddenly as she'd come back to life, leaping out of the car, Lorelai clammed back up. Luke literally felt her stiffen in his arms, and she pulled away not long after. Without even making eye contact, she stammered out a hollow, "I'm gonna… I'm just gonna go lie down…"
"Oh." Hard as he tried, Luke couldn't hide the hurt in his voice at her rejection. "I'll go…" he choked out, floundering for some sort of excuse, "…check on the diner…"
"'K…" Lorelai's face crumpled when she heard poor Luke's pained words. She never mean for him to feel pushed away. Stiff, confused, and detached as she was feeling at the moment, she knew she had to throw him some sort of rope… "Come back later?" she managed to force out.
That caught Luke off guard, "Uh, yeah, sure." Did she want him there or not? He had no idea, but being in no position to say no, he agreed tentatively, "I'll come back later…" He got no further reaction from Lorelai, so, dismayed, he turned away, beginning his lonely walk to the diner.
Lorelai felt a tug in her chest watching his retreating form – she wasn't doing a very good job at keeping herself together or in easing Luke's obvious uncertainty. Pushing thoughts of Sookie and Jackson, Davy and Martha from her mind as best she could, she mustered up the little bit of determination that she could and dashed across the lawn after him. She grabbed his hand impetuously and pulled him in for a kiss, the only thing she could think to do to somehow reassure him that, messed up as she was at the moment, she still needed him no matter what.
When they finally parted, she gazed up at him wide-eyed, "See you later?"
Though he still felt uneasy about leaving her, Luke nodded resolutely, "You got it."
And that was that, Luke walked away towards the diner, Lorelai trudged upstairs to her room. She had no idea what time it was – it was still light out, that was all she knew – but she kicked off her heels and collapsed onto the bed anyway.
As she lay there, staring up at that one pesky crack in the ceiling, Colleen's words echoed over and over in her head…
Lorelai, they wanted you to have the kids…
Lorelai, they wanted you to have the kids…
Lorelai, they wanted you to have the kids…
And those words were what lulled her to sleep.
When Luke returned a few hours later – a few tortuous hours of pacing around the diner and his apartment, wondering exactly when Lorelai had meant 'later' to be – the house was quiet. A dim glow from Rory's window told him she was probably in bed reading, but the still darkness of the rest of the house left him wondering about Lorelai. Letting himself in, he squinted in the low light. She wasn't in the kitchen… She wasn't on the couch…
He crept up the stairs to her bedroom, trying to make enough noise so as to not sneak up on her if she was awake, but trying to keep quiet enough that he wouldn't rouse her if she'd managed to fall asleep.
As it turned out, it was door number two. His eyes having adjusted to the dark, Luke could just make out her slumbering form in the dim moonlight. Lorelai lay sprawled out atop the covers, still fully clothed in her funeral garb.
Of course he'd hoped that she'd have been awake so they could at least begin to discuss… everything… But he was glad to at least see her getting the peaceful sleep she certainly needed after the past few days.
Shedding his shoes and jeans, he slipped carefully into bed next to her, folding the top blanket over her. With a soft kiss pressed to her temple, Luke settled down to sleep.
They could talk tomorrow.
Unfortunately, tomorrow didn't go exactly as planned. Luke woke early, knowing he had to get back to the diner, back to his regular schedule. He'd had to rely on Cesar quite a bit more than he'd have liked in the past few days, and it wasn't fair to him if Luke didn't open when he was perfectly capable of doing so.
But of course, despite her early bedtime the night before, Lorelai was still dead to the world, and he didn't have the heart to wake her. So he did the only think he knew to do. Yet another gentle kiss pressed to her forehead, the coffee pot full and ready to brew at a moment's notice, even a plateful of pancakes and bacon awaiting her in the microwave.
He even fed Rory, who he ran into down in the kitchen, sending her on her way back to her job at the paper fully caffeinated. Though she was running late, meaning she didn't have the time to attack Luke with the full-blown torrent of questions Lorelai had had to face in the car the day before, there were a few awkward moments when Rory had tried to finagle out of him his stance on 'getting the kids.'
Luke had stammered, Luke had stuttered, Luke had evaded. He'd filled her travel mug with coffee and not-so-subtly reminded her she was going to be late for work. Luckily, his tactics were largely successful and he'd been able to evade having to share his feelings with Rory before even speaking to Lorelai, but even Luke couldn't avoid the mess of questions and emotions that Rory's prodding had stirred up in him again.
He had to sit down with Lorelai and talk to her.
But he also had to get to work…
Reluctantly, he scribbled a quick note to Lorelai, informing her of the breakfast in the microwave and instructing her to come find him at the diner as soon as she was ready.
Tossing the note on the kitchen table, he cast one last longing glance up the stairs towards Lorelai's room, and exited the house.
Upstairs, Lorelai craned her neck in bed, lying perfectly still as she waited for those tell-tale clomps of Luke's heavy boots down the porch steps. Guilt had begun to creep in even before she heard Luke leave. How could she just ignore him like that? The last time she'd feigned sleep out of avoidance, other than when Rory was trying to get her up at some ungodly hour of the morning, was probably somewhere around the age of 13, when she still thought she could somehow sleep her way through stuffy family obligations.
She hadn't intended to avoid Luke… It just… happened.
What else was she supposed to do? Seeing Luke or Rory would mean talking about… well, about everything. And she honestly had no clue what she would say.
How could she take on two kids? Hell, not even two kids – two babies. A newborn. And Davy wasn't even twenty months. How? How?
It was the same question that had haunted her all night. In sleep, or when she'd awakened in a cold sweat, it was still there…
Lorelai's mind had been running in circles, chasing its own tail and getting absolutely nowhere, since Colleen's words had first sunk in back in the cemetery.
Take the kids? Hell, she'd had a meltdown last month when she thought she was going to be stuck with another one of her own. But two? That weren't even hers? Babysitting she could do. And all other things temporary.
Taking Martie and Davy was so huge. And permanent…
And Rory hadn't been wrong in the car yesterday – she had no room for a little boy and girl in her house, even if she kicked Rory out of her room. And Davy – what the hell did you do to raise a boy? And the Inn was still new… Sure it pulled in enough for her to get by, and to help Rory out a little, but kids were expensive. Diapers, doctor visits, school, college…
"Guh," she moaned, pulling a pillow over her face. Vicious cycle. She always ended up in the same spot, driving herself crazy about coming up with the funds for the kids' college tuition when she hadn't even managed to figure out the next five minutes of her own life…
Breakfast, she decided as she cast the pillow off to the side and pulled herself to a sitting position. And coffee… Coffee would help clear her head.
Or so she'd managed to convince herself.
In practice, not so much.
Focusing on the promise of coffee had successfully gotten her out of bed, down the stairs, and into the kitchen without dwelling on the Martha/Davy situation. And the note from Luke… Another worthy distraction - his sweet little gesture of leaving her pancakes for breakfast had her grinning to herself, yet again, at how amazing Luke had been over the past few days.
But as Lorelai stood in front of the microwave, waiting for her breakfast to heat up and nothing but the tortuous countdown of little green numbers for her to focus on, everything came flooding back. Sure, it started with a little trickle – hadn't Sookie still been breast-feeding part-time? How's that gonna work? – but the deluge still hit as she sat down at the kitchen table. The same questions, the same uncertainty, the same vicious cycle, the same What the hell do I do?
At some point, she'd worked herself up into so much of a frenzy, the few bites of re-heated pancake that she'd already managed to choke down were threatening to find their way back up. Tearing herself from her thoughts, Lorelai eyed the congealing syrup and let out a sickened groan. She shoved the plate away.
Eyes squeezed tightly closed, hands clasped over her stomach, she was moderately successful in overcoming the ordeal of the nerves-slash-nasty old pancakes combo. But nothing was helping to ease her mind.
How could she take the kids?
How could she take the kids?
It was an unwanted mantra, forcing its way through her thoughts endlessly, and she had no idea how to deal with it. She could honestly say, in all of her thirty-seven years, she'd never once thought she was crazy.
Well, ok, sure, she'd thought she was crazy. And so did everyone else. But not crazy.
Now she was beginning to wonder.
Seriously, how many times could two phrases, or permutations of two phrases, run through her mind before she started banging her head against a wall and pulling her hair out?
What the fuck was she supposed to do here?
How could she take those kids?
What the hell was she supposed to do?
How on…
"Oh God," Lorelai yelped quietly, cutting off her own train of thought. "Oh God," she panted. She was literally panting. She couldn't catch her breath. And hand to her chest confirmed that her heart was racing as well…
It doesn't matter if I take them… Lorelai realized in her anxiety-stricken stupor, I'm having a fucking heart attack right now. I'm gonna kick the bucket too, and someone else'll have to take them… I'm insane, I'm going insane…
She did retain enough coherence, however, to know that she wasn't going insane. Or at least not yet. She also knew that if she didn't force herself to somehow get a grip, she probably would go insane…
Clenching her hands into fists, she forced herself to breathe deeply. Calm Lorelai, breathe Lorelai…
Baby steps, she told herself, baby steps when dealing with the babies. And first things first…
So Sookie and Jackson wanted her to take the kids. Fine. That was their prerogative. But wasn't it also hers to say no? Could she really, honestly, deal with two little kids anyway?
She'd barely managed with one kid way back when, and that was perfect little Rory, the kid who could do no wrong. Rory had made it easy. And it was all so long ago anyway… Lorelai was so far removed from the baby lifestyle, it had really been difficult trying to figure out the whole diaper issue again the first time she'd watched Davy after he'd been born.
She didn't want more kids – not her own, not anyone else's. Right?
Lorelai was desperately trying to convince herself, but was fighting a losing battle…
If she was going to be honest with herself, yes, it was true – she'd entertained the possibility of more kids from time to time… For all the panicked denial only a month ago when the thought of an impending pregnancy was terror-inducing, it was only the timing that had scared her. Somewhere in the back of her flighty, over-caffeinated mind, there was always that nagging desire for the whole package.
Even as she heard herself think those words, Lorelai cringed. She almost hated herself for wanting that, for succumbing to all those silly societal expectations for a female, like Rory had written about for some paper or another at some point. For so many years, everything was independence. Super Mom, Super Lorelai. And only Lorelai. Well, and Rory. But technically she was Lorelai too, in more ways than one. She was different. And she wasn't a guy. For twenty years Lorelai had prided herself on being able to get along just fine, no guys, just Rory.
But then every once in a while… Certain things… The whole Max fiasco. Chris getting Sherry pregnant and running off to be by her side.
Yeah, that was a big one, she sighed as she abandoned the pancakes for good. Wandering aimlessly towards the living room, she pulled her arms tight around her chest, recalling that talk in the diner once upon a time. That Chris/Sherry deal had been one of the first times she'd ever allowed herself to admit that she did want the whole package. And not even just to herself, to Luke no less. That's karma for ya there, braindanger, Lorelai chastised herself silently.
But she did still want it. Maybe not now, not when things with Luke had been so shaky, but her biological clock still had a few years left, no? Enough at least to drag Luke, kicking and screaming, if need be, out of jam hands mode, towards some sort of discussion, and get him to at least think about more?
But that was before. Now… Now the stakes were completely different. But Luke still had to be a big consideration here, didn't he? Never mind what he would be to those kids, but what he was going to end up being to her. If he didn't stick around for her, what he was to Davy and Martha would really be irrelevant… He'd be ok with them, right? In some capacity? He had been downright adorable with the babies over the past few days… And even those kids from 'Fiddler on the Roof'…
But what about with her with the kids?
What if she did say yes?
What if?
Spying some of Rory's baby pictures scattered on the mantle as she headed across the room, Lorelai knew she was attacking this decision the wrong way. She couldn't let it be all about panicking, how to pay for this, how to handle future broken limbs…
It had to be more than that – there was more than that to any kids. She'd struggled through with Rory, and did she remember the individual times when she'd been a little late in covering the phone bill? No. She remembered the jokes, the laughs, the trips to the circus that ended with the poor kid puking all over the place…
Gently tracing Rory's chubby little face and pumpkin costume, Lorelai's face softened into a wistful half-smile. She remembered all the Halloweens, all the Christmases, all the ill-fated attempts to hard-boil eggs for Easter… She remembered all the good stuff. She remembered all of the little things with Rory that Sookie and Jackson would never get to have with their kids…
Overwhelmed at such a depressing thought, Lorelai felt her eyes well up, her view of little pumpkin Rory fading quickly into a teary orange blur.
And before she could stop the emotional tidal wave from washing over her, she found herself over at the closet near the door, shoving aside Max boxes and Dean boxes and Jess boxes and Jason boxes as the tears streaked down her cheeks. It took a few minutes, but she eventually found what she was looking for, yanking out a large carton full of albums, smaller boxes, mementos, and stray photos.
A Rory and Lorelai box.
Amidst everything else going on, she knew she could at least take comfort in the memories in that carton…
Making her way to the couch, she flopped down, unceremoniously dumping the contents of the box out on the cushion next to her. The little t-shirt onesie and mix tape she'd showed Sookie once upon a time… The elaborate, and largely empty, baby book that had been a gift from her parents for Rory… The notebook with bright purple pages full of her scribbles that she'd actually used as a baby book for Rory… An old pacifier, the rubber now hard and cracked… The tiny little bracelet Rory had worn in the hospital nursery… Rory's New Kids on the Block lunchbox… Scores of pictures, some of which were even stashed in the lunchbox...
Pulling a stack of them from the ghastly neon green plastic box, Lorelai smiled as she began flipping through the photos. Most were ones she'd taken, with just Rory, or Rory and an adorable little Lane, grinning back up at her. There were also a few of her, either from when Rory had usurped her camera or the Rory's own ill-fated photographer phase – blurry shots of Lorelai, minus her left side or top half of her head, pictures of Rory's books… Mia must have also taken quite a few, as a number of them displayed the two Lorelais together, smiling brightly, matching blue eyes sparkling.
Lorelai almost laughed aloud when she reached one particular one – her and a five- or six-year-old Rory, decked out in full-on oversized tie-dye t-shirts tied in knots at their waists, leggings, neon slouch socks, clunky high top sneakers, and gigantic scrunchies holding ponytails at awkward angles high atop their heads. No, no, not another Halloween… That was just Rory, thinking it was the coolest thing in the world to look just like Mommy. If only she'd known how not-cool Mommy had really looked, Lorelai smirked to herself.
She quickly scanned through the next few pictures, hoping to find another fashion disaster that didn't include her, one she could mock Rory for endlessly without incriminating herself as well.
Wait… She paused suddenly, something catching her eye, but not sure she'd actually seen what she thought she had… Flipping back a few pictures, she zeroed in on a shot of Rory with Christopher, tilting her head contemplatively. It posed an age combination she didn't often come across in pictures of Rory with her father. The few she had, it was either a tiny little infant Rory with a seventeen-year-old Chris looking exceedingly uncomfortable around her, or something from just the past five years or so, Rory looking pretty much as she did now, give or take a few inches on the hair style.
But this one… This was that one Christmas that she couldn't place exactly… Rory had been maybe seven or eight, and Christopher had unexpectedly shown up for apple tarts with the Gilmore clan. It had definitely been a first for him, showing up out of the blue from California to share a holiday 'with his girls,' as he'd put it so charmingly way back then. To say that Lorelai had been floored and annoyed beyond belief by his waltzing back into their lives as if everything had always been peachy-keen was an understatement. But that wasn't what she remembered most about that Christmas. What she recalled best was captured perfectly by the snapshot she now held.
Rory, all dolled up in some green velvet and lace deal, complete with shiny patent leather mary janes – all Emily's present to Rory that day, was half curled up on one of the settees in the living room. Christopher, looking to all the world like he was just a doting dad, squatted next to her, sporting a wide smile. Rory, angel that she was, appeared desperately trying to look happy, but a couple other tell-tale signs in the photo told otherwise. Lying abandoned on the end table behind Chris was a Barbie. Still securely in her hot pink box, it was the gift that Christopher had been sure little Rory would just adore… In Rory's lap, however, was some paperback book, her pudgy finger patiently wedged inside to hold her place as she ruefully suffered through the photo-taking that had so rudely distracted her from her reading.
Oh yes, Lorelai remembered that Christmas. That had been the year that had found Rory plowing her way through the endless shelves of "Sweet Valley Twins" and "The Baby-Sitters' Club" at the Stars Hollow bookstores. Funds were low, so she hadn't owned many herself, but Mia had kept a few on hand at the Inn, and the library had a small collection. Which took Rory all of a month to get through. So all she'd asked Santa for that year was for those stupid books. The new ones, the old ones, anything to fill the holes in her collection. And Lorelai had come through – with a little bonus from Mia, she'd been able to at least get the newest few books in each series, one of which was probably the book Rory was already halfway through in the picture.
And then Christopher had waltzed in with that goddamned Barbie.
Never, never over the course of Rory's short life to that point, had Lorelai felt more validated in her decisions than she had that Christmas. The velvet wasn't Rory, the Barbie wasn't Rory, the fancy silk couch wasn't Rory, Hartford wasn't Rory – Emily, Christopher, and Richard were not Rory.
And now, more than a decade later, those same feelings were hitting home again. Since she'd seen that little pink line in the girls' bathroom in tenth grade, every decision she'd made since then, she'd forced herself to think of the baby's best interests. Rory's interests. Not getting an abortion, not marrying Christopher, moving out… All for Rory. Did she, Lorelai Gilmore, child of the privileged Hartford elite really want to be living in a tool shack and scrubbing toilets? Not particularly. But it was what she felt she could best offer her daughter.
From day one, Lorelai had made it all about Rory, and no one else. Someone had to do that for Davy and Martha.
But was she really the one to do it?
She just wasn't sure…
So much would change. All those things in her life that she'd have to give up, sacrifice, or tailor to accommodate little kids… But there was also those sweet little moments she'd get to experience all over again, first steps, scribbled artwork, sticky little hugs for no reason…
For the rest of the day, Lorelai puttered around the house, mulling, pondering, debating…
She just didn't know what to do.
It was some hours later when Rory dragged herself into the diner, flopping down on a stool at the counter. She'd had to spend much of the day catching up on work she'd missed for the funeral, and while she was thrilled that she'd been able to distract herself from thinking too much about – well, about anything, really – it had made for a long day. And Luke's packed the one-two punch of coffee and possibly dinner too. Though her underlying motives for stopping at the diner revealed a third punch – an opportunity to get the first recap of any talking he and her mother might have done…
The endless stream of work at the paper hadn't allowed for any phone calls to Lorelai for kid-status-updates, and being that it had been over twenty-four hours since the subject was first broached, Rory was dying to get a little perspective from anyone. "Hey Luke," she greeted brightly when she caught sight of him back in the kitchen, trying not to let her apprehension over the day's possible developments show.
"Uh, hey," Luke turned around, replying slowly, a little perplexed by Rory's presence. "Coffee, I assume?" Or not perplexed by Rory, per se, but by the fact that she wasn't Lorelai. If he'd been expecting in Gilmore to come begging for caffeine over the course of that particular day, it wasn't necessarily Rory. There were very obviously some things that Lorelai Gilmore needed to go over with him, but as he'd told the Lorelai Gilmore sitting in front of him earlier that day, she wasn't the particular Lorelai Gilmore he needed to talk to.
"Do you know who my mother is?" Rory quipped nervously. "Yes, please." She'd known Luke long enough to know his mood-of-the-moment was something less than genial; she just couldn't be sure if it was specific knowledge he might have gained about a certain situation over the course of the day that was bringing on the mood, or a lack of knowledge that was keeping him on edge.
Luke just nodded, pulling a mug from beneath the counter, "Right."
But Rory didn't drink the coffee Luke poured. Instead, she spun the mug around, toying with the handle as she toyed with how to broach the subject. "Uh, speaking of…" she began, her voice uncharacteristically high and bright, "Have you…" Her brilliant segue quickly collapsed into more apprehensive nerves, "Did you talk… to mom?"
"Nah," Luke sighed, "I was gonna go over with lunch for her, but it busy, and without Lane around…" In truth it had been a slow day; he knew Lorelai probably needed a little space after the news from yesterday. And he'd tried to give her that by not bothering her at all. But he was reaching the end of his rope – waiting was torture. "I could bring over dinner," he offered slowly, hoping that if he headed over there, Lorelai would help clear up some questions in his mind as to what was going to happen…
"Ooh, chili fries," Rory clasped her hands together in over-exaggerated glee. Martha and Davy questions could wait if there was the promise of chili fries.
Luke rolled his eyes at that, but scribbled it down on his order pad anyway.
Catching the intent of Luke's writing the order down right away, Rory clarified, "Now? Ish? 'Cause I can wait and then just drive you over so you don't have to bring the truck or walk." He obviously wanted to get to Lorelai as quickly as she did…
Luke confirmed awkwardly, "Uh, sure," feeling slightly embarrassed at having appeared so anxious.
"'K," Rory agreed, returning to toying with her mug halfheartedly.
So for the next ten or fifteen minutes, Rory fidgeted on her stool, Luke tinkered around in the kitchen, both wanting to talk to Lorelai, but neither really sure what they wanted, or expected, to hear…
In any case, they were soon pulling up to the Gilmore house, Rory's little car stocked with dinner provisions.
Eager to finally really talk to Lorelai, Rory grabbed the pie Luke had brought, jumped out of the car, flew up the front steps and sent the front door flying open in a flourish as she called out, "Hey Mom, we've got dinner…" But her exuberant voice trailed off as she rounded the corner into the living room…
Lorelai was curled up on the couch, as she had been for much of the day. Not that that in and of itself was something Rory hadn't been expecting – she knew Lorelai had been planning on taking one more day to digest everything before going back to the Inn to deal with everything that would have to be addressed there. So lazing around on the couch was fine.
Rory just hadn't anticipated the veritable nest of photo albums, baby clothes, pictures frames, and god know what else that Lorelai had burrowed herself into as she sat there on the sofa. Or the teary eyes and almost… guilty… expression that her mother wore as she finally craned her neck to acknowledge that there were now actual witnesses to her little emotional disaster area.
With Rory just gaping silently in the doorway, Lorelai knew it was her move. She forced a weak, sheepish smile and waved her hand in a tentative peace offering.
"Mom…" Rory whispered, stunned, recognizing a few of her old stuffed animals, embarrassing naked baby pictures, and tiny jumpers fashioned of old t-shirts among the array of items scattered around Lorelai.
Behind Rory, Luke had just made his way into the house. He'd lagged behind, trying to juggle three bags of food, not to mention the tray of take-out coffee cups, as he tugged the door closed after him. But turning around to face Lorelai, he too stopped dead in his tracks, jaw dropped slightly in disbelief as he muttered, "Jeez…" at the sight in front of him. He couldn't have been sure what any of it meant, the pictures, the other stuff… But it sure as hell made him a lot less comfortable than he had been not five seconds earlier.
The deafening silence that followed echoed in Lorelai's ears. Feeling more and more like she'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, she sprang into action, shoving things into unorganized piles for no particular reason and spouting awkward, unfinished apologies and explanations along the way, "Uh, I just…"
Watching Lorelai's unprovoked flurry of activity, the increased fluster, and the new round of tears threatening to spill down what looked to be already well-tear-streaked cheeks, Rory knew. The pictures, the guilt-ridden face… It was all adding up.
And she knew.
"You're gonna take them, aren't you?" She asserted softly, abandoning the pie she'd been clutching and rounding the corner of the couch.
Lorelai froze at the words, half bent over in the midst of her impromptu organizing. Her knuckles went white as she gripped the small pink frame with a picture of a two-year-old Rory wearing what looked to be an entire box's worth of macaroni and cheese. It was now or never…
Straightening herself back up to her full 5'9", her eyes met Rory's questioning gaze for only a split second before she squeezed them closed again, willing emotions away so she could get it all over with. And that's how she did it – hair falling stringy in her face, lower lip held captive by her teeth and nerves, arms hanging limply at her side even as she still held the photo, unwilling to look anyone in the eye…
Lorelai nodded.
Even as she braced herself, wincing at the reactions to come, there was nothing. She heard silence from Luke, Rory sucked in a quick breath, and then nothing. Nothing. It was torture – worse than when she'd had to announce her pregnancy to her parents way back when. At least then she'd known what she was up against – disappointment, anger, disbelief... Now… Now, she just didn't know…
Lorelai's fears weren't exactly assuaged even as sound made its way back into the Gilmore living room. Rory's eventual noncommittal "Oh my God…" of quiet disbelief served only to heighten her mother's anxiety – a fact which initially escaped the dumbfounded Rory. But as Lorelai's momentarily poised apprehension began to fade, and the crying began anew, her soft sobs finally penetrated Rory's stupor.
Rory blinked, forcing herself, at last, to really see Lorelai. She'd collapsed back onto the couch, tears streaming down her face as she sat amidst the haphazard piles of memories. Heart breaking for her mom, so obviously tormented by the decision she'd had to make, Rory launched herself into Lorelai's arms. Apologies, words of comfort, and 'I love you's followed, pouring out of Rory's mouth as she tried in vain to calm Lorelai, even as her own sniffles threatened.
Something akin to a gasp-hiccup hybrid escaped from Lorelai's throat upon the impact with Rory. Rocking her daughter like that, faces buried in each others hair as they cried together, she knew she could do it again. It would all work…
It was a few moments later when the girls finally broke apart, each a little calmer and more level-headed than when Lorelai had first dropped the bomb.
It was then, opening her eyes as she released Rory, that Lorelai finally re-registered on Luke, who still hovered in the doorway, taken aback and left essentially speechless by what had played out since he'd entered the house. Which Lorelai had figured might be the case – he couldn't have seen any of this coming, not so soon… She took a deep breath, wiping her face, and addressed him cautiously, hesitantly, "Luke, hey…"
Rory may have appeared to come off the whole thing as accepting so far, but Luke? He'd heard the admission too, but said nothing. And somewhere in the back of her mind, Lorelai knew that how Luke took this news was as important to her as Rory's reaction, if not more… Rory would be off at school, graduating, getting some hotshot job somewhere… Whether Lorelai took those kids or not wouldn't be a big deal to her in the end; her future was somewhere else. But Luke was Lorelai's future, at least in her mind… He had to be ok with this…
Hearing his own name jerked Luke back into some sort of awareness. Still in shock, he stumbled through the motions he supposed would be expected of him, leaning over the couch to give Lorelai the obligatory kiss. But, his mind racing over the implications of what had been just the slightest of head nods, he couldn't even focus on her, and ended up dropping a kiss numbly on Lorelai's forehead. Pulling away, he absently waved the bags of food, mumbling any words he could manage, "Burgers. I'll… Kitchen…"
Bewildered, Lorelai gaped in the direction Luke had gone, barely able to stutter out a "'K…" What was that? Maybe she'd been expecting a little too much when she'd tilted her mouth up to his face, hoping for a soft comforting kiss… But still, she'd wanted some sort of reaction from him. Even a negative one, one of his classic rants or something, would have at least let her gauge where he stood.
But before she could dwell any longer on the possible underlying implications of Luke's non-reaction, Rory drew her out of her daze, waving a hand in front of her face, "Mom?"
Lorelai snapped her head back to focus on Rory, "Huh?"
Situating herself Indian-style to face Lorelai, Rory spoke slowly, the weight of Lorelai's decision weighing on her words. "This is big," she stated solemnly, "You're taking them."
"I have to," Lorelai sighed, the slightest air of annoyance lacing her words. So maybe she'd been wrong in thinking Rory's embrace had meant she was accepting of the situation…
Rory's eyes went wide in protest, misunderstanding and believing that Lorelai thought she was somehow required by law to take on the kids, "Mom, no…"
Lorelai's head tilted to the side as her expression softened once again. Rory was just trying to protect her… "Babe, I know Colleen would take 'em in a heartbeat if I say no, but I can't do that," she explained frankly.
While Rory tried to absorb that statement, Lorelai piped up again, trying to lighten the mod as best she could, "Besides, Sookie would come back and haunt me for the rest of my life if I didn't do what she wanted. And, hi? She's a cook! Scary, ghostly butcher knives, anyone?"
"You're nuts," Rory snorted a soft laugh as she shook her head, glad at least that they could already feel comfortable joking about Sookie no longer being around.
The smile on Lorelai's face faded ever so slightly as she recalled her mental status from earlier that day – Rory wasn't that far off the mark… "Believe me," she rolled her eyes warily, "I have become very aware of that fact more than once today."
Rory smirked in return, oblivious to any seriousness Lorelai's words may have held, "Just today?"
Lorelai's mouth dropped open as she feigned shock, "Careful you," she warned, wagging her finger in Rory's face, "I might try and make this a trade-in deal."
"Ouch…" Rory yelped, recoiling back against the arm of the couch, her hands covering her heart in deference to her mock pain.
Lorelai grinned broadly, deliberately goading Rory further, "Two for one?"
But Rory sat back up without a matching smile, the gravity of the conversation's undercurrent again evident on her face, "Mom…"
"I have to take 'em kid," Lorelai's shoulders slumped in resignation as her own expression reverted to somber acceptance.
"But the Dragonfly, Luke, you – you just got rid of me," Rory sputtered, still not able to fully grasp Lorelai's reasoning. "What about your no-strings, free-wheeling, single woman status?"
Before continuing on with the vein of conversation that had marked the phone call the last time they'd discussed something along those lines, Rory paused. She sent a conspiratorial glance toward the kitchen, knowing that her mom had yet to send Luke the newsflash about the previous month's reproductive crisis. Turning back to Lorelai, she whispered accusingly, "You were the one that didn't want any kids a month ago. Do you remember the apple-induced panic attack? What about…" A menacing glare from Lorelai's end of the couch put a stop to that train of thought before she could finish her sentence.
Revising her protest to something slightly more diplomatic, Rory finished insistently, her voice once again at its normal timbre, "This is so permanent – and not where you are. Have you really thought about this?"
"Things change Rory," Lorelai snapped nastily, indignant over that fact that Rory thought she'd take something like two children so lightly. "You think I don't get that? I got that when I was 16. You were not where I was then either," she barked, "You were not prom and chem lab and the bangles' tour or getting my license."
"But I didn't just get dropped in your lap out of nowhere!" Rory cried in protest, "You were pregnant, you didn't have a choice, I was coming no matter what!"
Lorelai scoffed at that, her face twisted in incredulity over Rory's blatant lapse in logic, "Umm, call me Sophie, 'cause I did - I had a choice," she pointed out wryly. "The choice if you wanna go all Planned Parenthood on me. I had more choices than I ever wanted to deal with before I could even drive." She paused, taking a deep breath, eyeing Rory's slightly shell-shocked expression before toning down her diatribe a few notches. In a softer tone, she spoke sincerely, "But bottom line, you were my responsibility, I kept you. I had to. I couldn't listen to what Chris wanted, or my parents, or his parents… It had to be about you."
"What about what you wanted?" Rory pressed, still not sure that her mother had thoroughly thought things through, at that moment, or twenty years ago.
"What I really wanted was for Christopher to pull out like he said he was going to!" Lorelai shrieked, caring not an iota that Luke was probably hearing every word from in the kitchen.
Rory squeezed her eyes closed at those words, grimacing at the very unwanted mental picture and cursing inwardly for bringing it upon herself.
"You asked," Lorelai spat in a huff.
"Yeah, and I'm kinda regretting it," Rory spat back with equal vitriol.
Lorelai sneered as she asked pointedly, "Like I was kinda regretting the lack of the Trojan man back in '84?"
Taking offense to Lorelai's harsh tone, Rory just crossed her arms in front of her chest, setting her jaw and sending her mother a withering glare.
At that, Lorelai dropped her head to her palms, running her hands through her tangled hair. Things were not going how she'd planned… "Look, I'm sorry, I don't want to do it like this…" she apologized reluctantly. Looking back up at Rory, she continued on from her last point, despite Rory's still skeptical expression, "Ror, that's my point – there is no point in that, the regretting. It's over. Do I wish like hell that Sookie had been able to convince me to let her stay home that night? Of course!" she wailed, admitting aloud for the first time that, irrational as it was, she felt horrible about pushing Sookie so hard that night. But that wasn't the point of the conversation at hand…
She pushed those thoughts away before they could do anymore damage to her weary psyche, "But it didn't happen. And now her kids have to go somewhere."
Aghast, Rory's arms flew back away from her chest as she leaned towards Lorelai, her last few words registering in her mind, "You're taking them because you feel guilty?"
"Nooooooooh-wuh," Lorelai droned with a roll of her eyes, flopping dramatically backwards in exasperation over Rory's jumping to conclusions yet again. Pulling herself back up to a sitting position after a moment, she leveled with Rory, "I'm just saying, I wish things were different and that I didn't have to make this choice at all. But they're not. Just like they weren't when you showed up on the radar."
Rory seemed to accept that, at least momentarily, as she reassured Lorelai, "Mom, I'm behind you whatever you do." When Lorelai's only response was a grateful smile, Rory took the opportunity to dig a little more, to make sure of things, if only for herself and not Lorelai. "But why do you think it has to be you? You said Colleen would take them. She's their aunt," she insisted.
Rory knew the protest Lorelai was forming before the words even made it to her lips. She just waved her hand, cutting her mother off for clarification purposes, "And yes, I know you're amazing Auntie Lorelai, super babysitter, but she's their real aunt."
Lorelai pursed her lips thoughtfully, trying desperately to figure out how she could get her point across. Movies. It always came back to movies in the Gilmore house… "Would you look at me the same if Morgan Freeman was putzing around with me in the Jeep right now?" She stared Rory down with wide eyes, daring her to come up with a retort for that.
But Rory's brow furrowed; the Morgan Freeman had left her veritably befuddled, "What?"
"Hello, Miss Daisy?" Lorelai reminded Rory, astonished by the fact that her reference wasn't immediately understood. "That's how old Colleen and Gary will be when they hit their 20s. Older than my parents are now," Lorelai added for emphasis.
The emphasis worked.
Rory just sat there, wordlessly dumbstruck as she began to process the Miss Daisy idea. She couldn't even begin to fathom having a parental figure older than her grandparents. Hell, she couldn't even imagine skipping one generation and having her grandparents as parents… She really did have no answer for Lorelai on that one…
And Lorelai could sense that she was finally starting to get her stance across to Rory. In an effort to drive the idea home, she continued, sans Morgan Freeman, "And, yes, as much as I fancy myself an immortal, eternally cool and 'with it' wonder woman, I too," she bemoaned melodramatically, "Will, sadly, be a number I don't even want to think about – say nothing!" Lorelai squealed mid-sentence. She'd caught an evil glimmer in Rory's eye as soon as she'd alluded to her own age…
But satisfied that her empty threat had kept any future-age-related pronouncements from escaping Rory's mouth, she tried to get back to her initial point. "It'll…"
Rory was smirking again…
"Seriously, turn off the mental calculator you've got going," Lorelai demanded, trying her best to stifle her own giggles and appear stern and foreboding.
Rory raised her hands in mock defeat, "Hey, I may be at Yale, but I still can't count that high…"
Lorelai squeaked out a wounded gasp before sending a pillow flying at Rory's head. "Two for one trade-in, I swear!"
"Fine, fine," Rory acquiesced, still laughing. "You are Lorelai Gilmore, forever twenty-nine. Forget the fact that in less than a decade I'll be there too – we're just so magical and amazing that we defy time in this house."
Lorelai grinned triumphantly, "Much better." Taking on a more serious tone, she reverted back to what she'd been trying to say earlier, "But you know what I mean. Whatever number my age will be… whenever," she dragged out begrudgingly, "It'll still be a lower number than Colleen. Those kids deserve more than that. And, to be honest, so do she and Gary."
"What about you!" Rory demanded, still unable to get past the fact that Lorelai didn't seem to be taking herself into account at all, "Are you really thinking about this?"
Lorelai sank back into the couch in exasperation. She was getting nowhere with this… "Rory…"
Rory cut Lorelai off quietly, hissing accusingly, "What about Luke?" She gestured over her shoulder towards the kitchen with her thumb, "I know you haven't even talked to him. And you've already made your decision? How does that work?"
Another deep sigh from Lorelai… Placing her hands on her daughter's knees at some sort of symbolic attempt at physical restraint, she gave it one last shot, "Ror, I appreciate you all concerned and panicked and being all reporter-like and getting every angle. And hey, you know what?" Lorelai smiled, allowing her speech to get a little side-tracked as she realized the blindsiding potential with where she was headed. A little payback for the age thing, if you will… "You are being so thorough and detail-oriented and everything, I'm sure you'd be great with kids." Sitting back, she added nonchalantly, "I should just give 'em to you. Solve all my problems."
That caught Rory off-guard. "Eh?" she stammered, it being one of the few times in her life when she honestly wasn't sure Lorelai was actually kidding or not.
Stifling a laugh at the deer-in-the-headlights look, Lorelai good-naturedly decided not to give Rory a heart attack that particular day – child protective services and whatnot. They'd probably frown on the killing of your own kid. And she figured now that she'd made the decision to take Martha and Davy, it might be a good idea to make sure she actually could get them.
Shaking her head, she brushed off her previous comments with a grin, "No, whatever. Joke."
Once Rory had breathed a sigh of relief, Lorelai admitted that Rory's accusations about Luke were true, "Yes, Luke and I are due for a big ol' honkin' powwow about all this. I know that. And we will talk," she insisted, as much for building up her own confidence as Rory's. "Dust poofs and spinning baseball caps and whatever else happens." Lorelai cringed inwardly even as she heard the words exit her own mouth; she really didn't want to think about what the 'whatever else' could entail.
Forcing herself to trust in the logic that had led to her making up her mind in the first place, she pushed aside any possible Luke-related ramifications and focused once again on her explanation of that logic for Rory, "But I had to do this before I talked to him. Or you. Or anybody," she corrected herself. "It has to be about Martha and Davy. And only them." Clasping her hands together in front of her chest, Lorelai laid it all out there for Rory, laid out the one reason that would ensure she could never turn those kids away, "I always, always, always put you first," she insisted, imploring Rory to understand. "I have to do that for them too."
And Rory finally got it.
Under normal circumstances, Martha and Davy would have hardly been a blip on Lorelai's radar. Sookie's kids, sure, but still just kids she saw in passing, heard silly anecdotes about in the kitchen of the Inn. But now… She was already making sacrifices for them, putting them on that same prestigious pedestal that had been reserved so long for her only daughter, the single most important thing and sole focus in her life for the past two decades. To Rory, that just solidified that Lorelai was, in fact, the perfect person to watch out for those kids for years to come.
Through watery eyes, she gazed at her mother in awe and admiration, her voice escaping as the barest of whispers, "Then they're lucky to get you."
All the air in Lorelai's lungs rushed from her body in one shuddering breath as her hands flew up to her cheeks and her eyes grew misty for the thousandth time in the past thirty-six hours. "Yeah?" Fighting a smile she wasn't yet completely sure was warranted, her meek question came out in the shakiest of voices; she'd wanted – needed – to have Rory's support, but she still couldn't quite believe that things were starting to fall into place…
"I am the authority on the subject…" Rory confirmed with a sniffle, crawling across the couch to Lorelai.
Lorelai leaned in too, pulling Rory tightly to her, "Thanks babe." It would be fine. They would all be fine, that much she knew at that moment.
Rory was a little more dubious, wondering in her own mind how exactly things were going to work out. Grasping Lorelai's shoulders, she pushed her back to arms length. Her face soft and sympathetic, she promised Lorelai sincerely, "I'll help however I can…"
"I know sweets. And there is a ton I've still gotta figure out…" Lorelai conceded as she shifted sideways on the couch. Settling down cozied up next to Rory, arm around her shoulders, she stared off into space of the stairwell to the second floor pensively before posing the question, "Would it be wrong to turn the bathtub into a crib? Because, I swear that's the only place they'll fit. And work…" Lorelai continued unabated, giggling along with Rory beside her at her own absurdity, and trying not to think of the fact that as silly as they sounded, these were some serious issues she was actually going to have to deal with, "Think a Gymboree theme would work if we renovate the 'Fly? Osh-Kosh curtains in my office?"
With a smirk, Rory shook her head with a snort, declining to dignify her mother's questions with a real answer. "Decision, decisions," she taunted instead. "But," she added thoughtfully, after a slight pause, "No point in thinking on an empty stomach."
"True dat," Lorelai agreed with a vehement nod, breaking into ghetto-speak for no particular reason whatsoever. Regardless, she made no move towards the food in the kitchen. Emotional exhaustion prevailed; even her grumbling stomach wasn't enough to pull her from the thoughts still racing around in her mind.
Surprised by Lorelai's apparent passing up of Luke's food and coffee, Rory pulled out the big guns. "I made Luke bring chili fries," she sang teasingly.
That got someone's attention… Lorelai cocked her head towards Rory, breaking into an appreciative grin. "And that, my friend, is precisely what makes keeping you worth it," she declared, pressing a kiss to Rory's temple before pulling herself to her feet.
"Glad to be of service," Rory grinned, grabbing Lorelai's hand.
Dragging Rory up off the couch, Lorelai set off for the kitchen. One talk down, one to go… But first, "Lu-uke, fri-ies!" she called, scampering past the stairs and the front door.
She skidded to a dead halt when she caught sight of the bags of food, abandoned on the counter, with no other sign of a flannel-clad fry purveyor for miles. Shaken by his sudden absence, she barely managed the weak "Luke?" she croaked out. No no no no no, this wasn't happening…
Panic creeping up on her, Lorelai anxiously peered into Rory's room, the bathroom, the porch… Anywhere Luke might have ducked out to…
But he was gone. He was gone.
By the time Lorelai re-entered the house from her search of the back porch, Rory had followed her into the kitchen and begun digging through the piles of food in search of the chili fries. Oblivious to the situation materializing around her, seeing only the open back door, she merely assumed that both Luke and Lorelai had foregone the food and relocated outside for round two of 'The Talk.'
But when Lorelai burst in through the door, having heard Rory's rustling through the bags, with a desperate, breathless, "Luke?" Rory was clued in to something otherwise.
Lorelai's stricken expression, the increasingly obvious lack of Luke, the realization of how much he may have heard and how much it may have affected him… Rory met her mother's panicked gaze sympathetically, offering helplessly, "About your little powwow…"
Crestfallen to find it was only Rory in the kitchen, Lorelai let out a slow, shaky breath of defeat. Luke had heard everything, and he'd hightailed it right out of there… As Rory had less than subtly brought to light, she needed to find him. She needed to talk to him… What else could she do?
With a weak laugh, Lorelai resorted to her tried and true fallback – humor. "I'm getting my moccasins Tonto," she quipped feebly. But even as she was still uttering the words, the fearful anxiety of not knowing where Luke stood on anything took over, her face falling. With one last look of despair back at Rory, Lorelai shoved her feet into her shoes and headed for the door. "I'll be back."
Knowing exactly what Luke's absence so suddenly after hearing her mother's decision to take Martha and Davy could mean, Rory chased after Lorelai, catching her on the porch, "Mom?"
Lorelai wavered, temporarily suspending her sense of pressing urgency to hear Rory out, "Hm?"
Fiddling with her fingers for a moment before speaking, Rory carefully chose her words. "He probably just had to get back to work," she rationalized unconvincingly, knowing that Lorelai wouldn't believe it, but hoping that she could find some solace in the slim possibility that it was the truth.
And she was right, Lorelai didn't believe it. Not for a second. She knew at least as well as Rory what Luke's departure could mean… But she didn't want to go there… She had to find Luke first…
At Lorelai's frozen silence, Rory offered one final statement of comfort. "I'll be here," she promised. In case the worst happens, she added silently to herself.
A nearly imperceptible smile of thanks flickered across Lorelai's face before resignation set back in.
She had to get to Luke.
So Lorelai set off across the lawn into the night, hoping for the best, all the while trying valiantly to prepare herself for the worst…
To be continued…