Open
I was supposed to be sleeping. They always told me to sleep, I needed it. For the tests. For my purpose.
But they kept me in the fog. I drifted, dreamed, hallucinated…never slept. Never remembered, either. I couldn't. Not in the fog.
I shifted into a misty corner, leaning against my sore back in an attempt to find the least painful position. I never tried to get comfortable. There was no such thing, never had been. My body was cramped, my legs permanently numb. The weird muscles in my spine sawed away at my shoulders. I tried not to lie against whatever was back there. I think it was my purpose. My purpose was on my back, and I couldn't see it.
Day, night….these were part of something that didn't exist anymore. It was Lights On, Lights Off in the fog. Lights Off meant it was time to hallucinate, get as far away from my purpose as possible.
The problem was, when I had nightmares they never ended.
If I woke up crying I'd only be punished, or they'd try to collect the tears for some unknown purpose. My unknown purpose. My glorious, painfully obsolete purpose of raging brilliance and hurt spawning from my spine. The purpose I couldn't see.
It wasn't worth it. Nothing was. I held in my tears.
As I lay there, contemplating the bars and the white mist winding around them, my mind began closing off to the merciful delusions. The best I could ever hope for. A moment to myself, away from myself. Open and bright and warm and safe, where nothing hurt and everything was right…
I had just about gone completely into it when a small noise wound its way into me. Little concern. It was just something back in the fog. There were lots of things in the fog. Bars, glass, needles, whitecoats, me, traces of my mind, remnants of my sanity…
Another noise. Something sliding in the fog.
Lights Off. Nothing should be out sliding in the fog at this time.
I reluctantly slid back into dark where I was supposed to be. The warmth and light faded until they were gone.
The fog, I noticed, was fading a little. Maybe that meant I was fading a little…I couldn't remember getting the ucky drink lately. Then again, I could never remember anything.
Somebody said something. Maybe they'd gotten locked in the fog with me. No problem, plenty of room in here. I moved forwards to offer them space in my fog, but my fingers hit the bars. My bars, hard and cold and cruel as always.
There weren't supposed to be whitecoats around after Lights Off. I struggled through the fog, pushing into the back. They'd given no sign of being here. I didn't have time to hide from them, but I still tried. It didn't matter that I'd accepted my purpose - I still hated it.
But what I saw…what I saw wasn't a whitecoat. I didn't know what it was. I mean, I see lots of things incomprehensible things on a skewed basis, but this one seemed to mean something. A purpose? Mine?
I twined my fingers around my bars, peering out through the mist. A face made its way to me. It wasn't something I understood, but I was sluggishly, lethargically intrigued. Been a while since that happened.
My bars opened
Nothing came in. No one reached to touch me, grab me, turn me, shove something into me, down me, or make me hurt. That was what was supposed to happen, but it didn't.
There was someone out there, someone I didn't understand. All I knew was them, and this wasn't them. They weren't here after Lights Off.
I didn't know what to do. Door open, no one coming in.
Maybe I was supposed to go to them....
Someone was looking in on me. Looking in on my world, through my bars, through my mist. Someone unknown. Someone not a whitecoat.
I'd never spoken. Not since I'd been…well, maybe I'd just never spoken at all. I found the only whispered words I could, dragging them from my shattered, warped memory.
"Who are you?" I rasped. "Why are you doing this?"
A faraway voice said "Kids don't belong in cages."
The voice didn't understand. I wasn't a kid. I didn't know what I was anymore, but a kid…never.