Title: Everybody Loves Cloud
Author: CrisisChild
Summary: One happy, hapless day in Shinra, Cloud's hair falls into one of Hojo's concoctions - a vat of mako laced with a strong aphrodisiac meant for Sephiroth. The strangest day for Cloud ensues. Cloud x everyone in Shinra
Rated: T; rating will possibly rise
Disclaimer: I do not own Crisis Core or FF7. Enough said.
Everybody Loves Cloud
Part the Fourth
"Is it me, or does everyone seem a little peculiar today?" Genesis inquired, looking at the coming and going SOLDIERs with great interest.
Sephiroth wanted to say, out of vindictiveness, that 'no, it was just Genesis who was being peculiar' had there not been a grain of truth in what his friend said. Something was a bit off, now that it was brought to his attention.
The general would not say that it was everyone that was being affected with whatever strange phenomena that was sweeping over the SOLDIERs. Could it be a new side effect from the mako treatments? Or something else? Sephiroth wondered what could be the cause of this sudden spike in strange behaviour in his men for their safety and well-being was his top priority at the moment.
After watching Angeal and Genesis go at it again like an old married couple, the two childhood friends finally rounded on him and dragged him down to the examination rooms and their recovery wards. It had been mainly to calm Angeal's frayed nerves; Sephiroth kept telling himself, to allow the man to glimpse his student who was safe and sound and not growing a tentacle out of his head or a wing out of his back after getting his mako treatment. Angeal, despite his ability to be quite stoic at times, was a terrible pacer and worrier and neither Sephiroth nor Genesis would be able to get any peace with the man needlessly giving himself grey hair over Zack.
Perhaps he had good reason to be concerned, Sephiroth mused dryly.
Instead of exhibiting the usual symptoms common to being drunk or high, which included slurred speech, sometimes sluggishness and a tendency towards foolishness the men were on high alert after their monthly injection of mako. Wound up tightly, as if expecting a sneak attack of some kind from Wutai. And it couldn't be that, because he had specifically sent Zack on a mission to weed out all the spies last week down in the slums…
For one reason or another, the order of the classes treated had been reversed back to its original order of Thirds, Seconds and then Firsts. So Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal and a handful of other Firsts had the dubious pleasure of fielding all the patients to and from the recovery ward, while they kept an eye out for trouble. With the strange edginess of some of the SOLDIERs coupled with the drunken attitudes of the others, who knew what could happen? They needed to root out the cause…
"I don't see Zack anywhere," spoke Angeal, drawing Sephiroth out of his musings. Turning his cat-like eyes towards the line-up of SOLDIERs heading into the examination rooms, as well as heading out, the Silver General took stock of the men. The level of anxiety was high for many of the Thirds who were still quite new to the treatments, though many seemed quite faceless to him at the moment. He blamed the face concealing helmets, which were more cumbersome than helpful, if he recalled correctly. It seemed so long ago when Sephiroth had last been a Third himself. It almost felt like he had been a First and general all his life, really.
"Sephiroth, you're distracted again," Angeal chastised, not amused that his words had been ignored once again.
"I am not. I am simply having an introspective look on the usefulness of helmets that obscure one's vision and the applications of this weakness during actual combat."
"In other words, you were distracted."
"It won't happen again," Sephiroth promised vaguely, eyes now trained on a pair of SOLDIERs that were happily making their way down the line into Room 42. He raised a hand and pointed in their general vicinity. "And I think I just spotted Zack, though I have no idea who the other SOLDIER is."
Angeal, maturely excited at the prospect of seeing his student, turned to where Sephiroth pointed to. It seemed that seeing Zack, happy safe and unharmed did wonders for the overprotective mentor. The burly man's tense shoulders relaxed a bit and he let out a soft, almost inaudible, sigh of relief. Genesis chuckled from beside him and patted his old friend on the back.
"See Mother Chocobo? Nobody's roasted your student or turned him into a science experiment yet," the ginger-haired man teased, smirking all the while. This line prompted a dark look from Angeal towards Genesis, for reawakening Angeal's paranoia about his young and naïve student's safety. After all, people did have this odd habit of disappearing within Shinra and not just the Turks. And so started another row between the two Banoran SOLDIERs that Sephiroth was quick to tune out.
Down one hall in Recovery Room 38, the sounds of a commotion had caught the general's attention and he left his friends to their age-old argument to see what it was.
- - c C c - -
Kunsel had kissed him - was still kissing him, in fact. Their lips had been locked together for an undetermined amount of time now, though any amount of time was pushing the limit of their acquaintance. What good impressions Cloud had of the SOLDIER were flying out the window with each passing second. The man had done the unforgivable.
However, at this point in time, Cloud did not possess delusions of grandeur so he was not quite so inclined to punch Kunsel in the face - if not for the fact that the man's enhanced constitution would not let Kunsel feel any blows to his face from Cloud, then because the SOLDIER wore a helmet that covered most of his face and head and punching it would immensely. Having very few options left to him, Cloud had no choice, but to become creative. Considering they were sitting and not standing, Cloud clenched his fist tightly and hit Kunsel where he knew no amount of mako would ever not make it hurt.
Kunsel made a choking sound that turned into a wheeze. His grip on the blond loosened and Cloud slipped away, clutching his clipboard close to himself. The SOLDIER was now curled in a fetal position, groaning in pain from the unexpected attack on his ability to breed. Well, served the guy right for stealing a kiss from him like that - the jerk! And Cloud highly doubted that such an act would have come from Zack, because Zack would never do something so awful to him as tell someone to steal his first kiss.
Dear Mother in Nibelheim, I dropped my first kiss in the middle of the recovery ward in the Shinra labs, Cloud lamented in his mind.
"What in the world is going on here?" demanded a voice. Cloud whirled around to face whoever had called out. For a split second, he imagined long silver hair framing an elegant face that was marred by a deep frown looking down upon him with frightening mako green eyes. His mind went back to the incident a month ago, where he had been insubordinate with the general over his fellow infantrymen and the lack of punishment for his actions, noble, yet stubborn as they had been.
To his relief (and maybe just a tad bit of disappointment), Cloud did not come face to face with Sephiroth's impassive visage, but the burgundy cloth of a SOLDIER Second's uniform. And now he had a dilemma to face. While he had felt justified in hurting Kunsel in order to escape his sudden advances, Cloud had no idea how to explain it to another member of SOLDIER who was an outsider to the incident; he was already mortified enough from having it happen to him in the first place, let alone from the idea of having to relive it verbally.
"I'm waiting, private," the nameless SOLDIER said expectantly.
Knowing he had to bite the bullet, Cloud snapped a salute. "Sir, Corporal Kunsel was taking inappropriate actions with this private, sir!" The explanation was telling, but also really, really, really vague. Plus, despite what he had done, it somehow didn't feel right about ratting Kunsel out for something as simple as a kiss, despite the connotations of it being his first. The SOLDIER would probably laugh at him for being so sensitive about it and then his ass on patrol duty for the next month…on consecutive day and night shifts.
If his helmet wasn't hiding his face, Cloud was sure the tall man – why it was that everyone in SOLDIER had to be taller than Cloud, he would never know – had a raised brow. He crossed his arms and despite the half mask, the spiky-haired blond could feel the man's penetrating gaze.
"You're going to have to be more specific than that."
Kunsel groaned on the bed; Cloud cringed, and then mumbled so low that not even the most mako enhanced hearing could pick it up.
"Private, if Corporal Kunsel really did do something to you, you have the right to report it to an officer without fear of retribution. Now tell me…what exactly he did to you."
Cloud grumbled it out, face going red with irritation as he was forced to repeat himself and the embarrassing incident. Seeing that it wasn't enough, because the SOLDIER was about to open his mouth again, Cloud just shouted the answer in frustration.
"Kunsel kissed me!"
And everyone heard him. If he wasn't so angry at how ridiculous he looked, he might have keeled over from mortification. As was, Cloud Strife was simply annoyed, irritated and wished he was as strong as Angeal so he could punch a hole into the wall. And then, maybe, crawl into it where nobody could find him for the next five years.
For all the fact that he had been yelled in the face by some nobody of a grunt from the regulation army, the SOLDIER seemed the least bit shocked from Cloud's admission, compared to the rest of the shell-shocked recovery ward. The man stood there, pondering over the blond's words, before nodding in acknowledgement.
"I see…" he whispered quietly. Somehow, Cloud thought there was a hint of sympathy in his voice and thought that maybe – just maybe – he would be let off the hook for this. After all, it was just a case of self-defence against unwanted advances, right? Kunsel had pretty much pulled off sexual harassment back there, acquaintance or no, and Cloud had simply fended himself off against an assailant who had enough strength in his one pinkie to knock him straight across the room, if he felt so inclined. Yes, things were going to be alright…
…but then, the SOLDIER had quite the unreadable look on his face for a few moments and Cloud blinked – only to find himself right up to the coarse material of the Second's turtleneck. His voice caught in his throat and his heart dropped.
And there was this predatory smirk on the SOLDIER's face that rang alarm bells in Cloud's head.
"Was it something like this?"
And before Cloud could think to escape, he was immediately pinned to the wall by his wrists and treated to a very special tongue lashing.
Aw, Minerva's pants, not again! Cloud panicked. He struggled against the SOLDIER who had a good grip on his wrists, having them place above his head with one hand, while the other was grasping his jaw firmly. Fingers pressed on each side, causing Cloud to keep his mouth open and allowing the SOLDIER to French him mercilessly. Making strangled noises he twisted and kicked, though he kept missing his intended target of the man's ability to have children.
"Oye! Luxiere! Lay off him!"
"Gaia, Luxiere - what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Someone hurry and get him off the private!"
Help was quickly on the way as several of the in-patients of the recovery ward came to Cloud's rescue – and none too soon as Luxiere started to get a bit frisky. He had released Cloud's jaw to ghost his fingers down his front, never minding the audience around them. The Second class SOLDIER was ripped away from him and Cloud took an exaggerated gulp of fresh air. Hands free now, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, disgusted with what had just happened. Gaia, just what was wrong with people today?
Luxiere was obviously not in his right mind, though, as seen by the way he was being restrained by other SOLDIERs – Firsts, by the color of their black uniforms, Cloud noted – and then dragged away to another room, that was hopefully far away from Cloud.
Ugh. Kissed twice on the same day by two men. Could the day get any worse? It wasn't that he minded being kissed by men, mind you (Cloud figured out that he liked men and women equally at his fifteenth birthday when he started getting wet dreams about a certain, nameless silver haired man on occasion), but it was more of the fact that he felt nothing for them – barely knew either of them, in fact – that repulsed him so much. He had been saving himself for someone special to come along to give his kisses to, not to let strangers just take them as they pleased.
The next guy who tries to kiss me is so going to get a boot to the head, Cloud silently vowed as some of the SOLDIERs who came to his defence asked him if he was alright.
Sighing deeply, he nodded to them, wiping his lips unconsciously with his hand. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Just shocked, is all." Realizing that he dropped his second kiss in the recovery ward, the blond felt a little glum and it must have been pretty evident on his face, because he soon had a hand on top of his spikes. He would have bite at the hand invading his personal space, if he didn't realize that the action was meant to be soothing. His hair was mussed up, but he allowed it, because the SOLDIER looked like he felt sorry for what had happened and the angry beast that wanted vengeance was appeased inside of Cloud. For now.
"Sorry about that. Don't know what got into him, but he's just had his mako injection and we tend to get a little…loopy," the SOLDIER explained. Cloud already knew this, of course, but he just nodded in understanding. Cloud had been unfortunate enough to end up around Zack during the other times he had been given his treatments and he always seemed extra affectionate, too. And drunk. It was actually pretty funny to see him out of sorts, but what Luxiere and Kunsel had done was just so extreme for Cloud.
Still…
"I understand, don't worry about it," Cloud said, putting on a smile. The SOLDIER smiled and the hand was removed from his head. They parted ways and things were back to normal inside of the recovery ward once more. Well, as normal as things could be anyways. The blond just sighed, wondering once more if things could spiral into worse territory as he searched the floor next to Kunsel's bed to see where his survey papers and clipboard went during his and Luxiere's 'scuffle'. When he finally found it underneath the bed he was immediately called for by a technician who needed him in another ward.
Cloud readily agreed to go, thinking that a change of location might be good for him and he hoped to the Lifestream that the SOLDIERs within wouldn't be nearly as 'loopy' as the last two he had talked to had been.
Mother in Nibelheim, I lost two kisses inside the recovery ward inside the Shinra labs, but at least I still have my dignity.
Travelling from one ward to the next had been a mostly uneventful affair (with the exception of feeling his butt be pinched more than once by hands he didn't quite catch or see) and the time walking cooled Cloud's ire down considerably. By the time he had arrived at Ward 26 to help the technicians there, Cloud was almost feeling chipper and positive he wasn't going to be molested again. And he hoped that the ailing and aching men there would provide a suitable distraction for the awful trauma he had experienced naught more than five minutes ago.
However, instead of a full battalion of SOLDIERs, there stood only one man…and one he did not expect to see there, of all places.
- -c C c - -
Author's Note: So, it has come time for me to ask for a beta. Anyone who would love the job of correcting my spelling mistakes and making sure words flow more smoothly in my fic; please contact me via PM or through my forum, which can be found in my profile. :3 I cannot offer anything great, except my thanks and you being the first to read the new chapter.
And now, a list, so we can keep a nice track record of the who and what in this silly fic. And so people know that I'm using actual characters from the Compilation. Why use OCs when you already have so many characters to work with?
Also I now realize too late that I stuck Kunsel in the wrong class. Even when Zack was a Third class, Kunsel was a Second. Damn it. Thankfully, I'm writing crack that has nothing to do with the canon storyline, but still…please forgive me for the little mix-up. I'll try to do less messing up later on.
Character Count (a.k.a. the List of People Who Have Perved on Cloud in Some Manner Thus Far)
Before Crisis
Sebastian
Used mako related illness to get close to Cloud
Essai
Did the same thing as Sebastian
Crisis Core
Kunsel
Used knowledge of Cloud's ticklish spots to give him the hiccups to score a kiss
Luxiere
Somehow used the situation with Kunsel to French the daylights out of Cloud