Ava had not spoken to another person outside those at the facility other than her parents for seven weeks. Sometimes she forgot there was a life outside of the serenely painted walls. When she saw a newspaper or heard snatches of songs parts of her real life came back to but those moments were fleeting and she tried her best to stay firmly grounded in the illusion that this was all she'd ever known and all she ever would. So when her room phone rang she never thought it would be her once lover Remy. She hesitated at first not knowing what to say or what he'd expect but soon she found herself laughing and remembering why she had cared so much for the man. If only she could have loved him and kept her stupid dreams of living high on the hill at bay. They talked about everything and nothing and when they'd talked for almost an hour and she'd laughed for most of that she was caught short when he mentioned Max. He didn't just mention him he described him. Remy told her how long his hair was getting and how all the nurses were falling in love with him. He talked about the way his eyes lit when a favorite nurse happened by. She could picture a deep dimple on that grew as he laughed on Max's left cheek. Remy talked to her about their son in a way that Olivia and Jeffery never had. Her parents mentioned the boy and said he was well and improving but they never described him. And she realized it hurt. It hurt hearing him living and thriving without her.
Olivia and Emma had eaten at the farm once again that week and now the girl was finishing her homework so she should watch another episode of her favorite television show. Natalia was helping her with her fractions and Olivia was putting away the dishes she'd washed earlier after the meal. This was a scene she'd always lied and pretended she'd never wanted. Why should she do menial labor when she had the money to pay someone else to do it for her? But looking at her daughter so happy and secure broke her heart because she knew it wasn't real. Olivia would never have the house with the white picket fence and the man that loved her enough to want to help her daughter with homework. In a couple of weeks not only would she have a nine year old but also a two month old and a twenty six year old to boot. Not exactly what the average man wanted when he imagined building a life with a woman. Max was getting stronger everyday and Ava's therapist were counting down until her release. It was going to be a very long time before she had the chance to pursue anything serious. What I wouldn't give for a little horizontal recreation she thought and almost sliced her hand off when she gasped in shock. Natalia and Emma looked up at her in wonder but she faked a cough and they went back to work. Oh my fucking God I haven't had sex in? SHIT!. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had sex. What the blue ball fuck? There was a time when she did sex like she did martini's. There was Emma to consider but that never stopped her before because there were plenty of rooms at the Beacon. Not only had she not had sex she hadn't even missed it. Shit on a stick I going to ruin everything she thought glumly.
It was past ten when Emma was finally passed out on the sofa between her and Natalia as they watched dvds. It hurt Olivia that she'd never managed to make family traditions with Emma the way Natalia had with Rafe. Even as poor and overworked as she was Natalia managed to give the boy a deeper childhood than she had given Emma with all her privilege and accomplishments. It would change thought. With Ava, Max and Emma Olivia would finally build the life she'd been searching for. A blank blue screen shook her from her musings and she was amazed that Natalia had taken Emma up the stairs to a guest bedroom without her noticing. "I'm going to have you fitted with a bell" Olivia said as Natalia walked back down the stairs. It frightened her. She never dropped her guard with anyone ever other than her children. How the hell had this complete stranger in so deep. "Are you sure you're not some ninja?" How the hell could I have let this happen.
"You're just tired. Any one would be in your situation" Natalia said as she looked at her with such,
God oh God Olivia thought as the tears streamed down her face. It was too much and she couldn't be here. There was too much riding on her too many people depending one her. She turned away before Natalia could come closer and tried to even her voice. "Do you think that" Olivia started but was immediately interrupted by Natalia. "Stop. Just Stop okay. You don't need to do this."
"Do what?" Olivia asked still facing away trying to plead ignorance although she knew very well that it wasn't going to fly. "Listen if you don't mind maybe Emma could spend the night here with you and I can"
"Would you stop" Natalia said walking around to face her. "Why do you think you have to be the strong one all the time? Why can't you let someone be there for you?"
"Natalia I really don't need"
"Fine then tell me what you do need Olivia because I'd really love to know. I see this smart and powerful woman trying to pretend that everything is going great. As if nothing in the world is wrong but I know that's not true."
"You don't know anything"
"I know that you sit in your office trying to take care of everything and everyone but yourself. Ava and Max"
"Ava and Max need me and if you can't understand that then"
"I understand Olivia. I understand very well being afraid and not knowing how to protect the ones you love the most but what I'm having a problem with is the fact that you turn everyone way that's trying to help"
"I don't need nosey busy bodies in my business Natalia!"
"I'm not talking about that I'm talking about me! Why won't you let me in. Why do you keep pushing me away when all I want to do is help. Why?"
"You can't help me. You can't make Ava or Max better and you can't get"
"You're right but I can be there for you. I can listen to whatever you have to say. You don't have to do all of this alone" The Latina kept pushing she kept demanding things that Olivia wasn't able to give. Olivia tried again to walk away as she picked up her keys. Emma had spent many nights at the farmhouse alone and it was Saturday tomorrow she thought as she passed through the front door. "Maybe I can help or maybe you will just feel better. It can't hurt can it?"
"Why the hell do you care so fucking much? I would have thought you have enough problems of your own without adding mine to the mix. I mean why the hell should I confide in you? Who the hell are you to give me any advice? You couldn't even keep your son out of prison" and even as she was saying the words she knew how horribly wrong they were. As the words came Natalia's face froze as if she'd been soundly slapped. Everything she touched turned to shit Olivia thought as Natalia turned on her heels and went back inside the house. She was up the stairs and in her bathroom crying by the time Olivia made it inside her car. "Drive off. Just drive off. DRIVE OFF!" she bellowed to herself griping the steering wheel with white knuckles but before she could talk herself out of it she was up the stairs and crouching on the other side of the bathroom door listening to hiccups and muffled and swallowed cries. "Please. Please I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I. My children are all I have. They are all that I have ever gotten right and it just hurts so much to see her in pain and not be able to stop it. We've gone through so much Ava and I that I just want to do whatever I can to make her happy. I shouldn't have said what I did. Natalia. Please. I'm sorry. Please" Olivia didn't know how long she sat on the cold floor listening for the knob to turn and when it finally did she was so stiff that she couldn't get up with without help. Natalia stood looking at her as if she were some kind of dangerous wild thing. She hated that she put that hesitancy in Natalia's face. Jesus. "Please?" she whispered again and finally Natalia helped her up and then fell together into the bed and were soon asleep.
Hours or seconds later she heard a cry and thought of Emma and tried to move but found a large weight held her fast. Then she realized it wasn't Emma at all but was the other woman sobbing and crying out to pleading with her son. Softly shaking the other woman Olivia tried to calm her down and once Natalia woke she wished she hadn't because she missed the soft weight. "You can go. You don't have to baby sit me I'm fine"
When Natalia pulled away and attempted to get out of the bed everything in Olivia cried out "Don't" and tried to hold her close. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said. I was completely wrong. If you hated me and never wanted to see me again I wouldn't have anyone but myself to blame but please don't. I, I don't know why I keep pushing you away. Don't know why it's so hard for me to admit that I need friends"
"We aren't friends. I'm your employee and you don't owe me any explanations and I shouldn't have asked about things that aren't any of my business. It won't happen again"
Oh God. Please I can't lose her too. "You are my best friend. You are my only friend. You and Emma are the only things that are keeping me from going completely insane right now. Every moment that I spend with you allows me to be able to take care of Max and Ava. If I lost you. Jesus Natalia what do you want me to say?"
"I don't want anything from you Olivia. I'm fine so you don't have to worry about me. You can pick up Emma tomorrow it's no big deal" Natalia said as she left the bed and walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Scared and paralyzed with fear Olivia's mind tried to picture her life without Natalia there. No. Getting out of bed she burst into the room and caught the other woman undressing. "What the hell!"
"I'm sorry about what I said and I'm sorry about how I've been acting but you can't do this please"
"What are you talking about? I get it. It's fine. You don't have to worry I won't be harassing you any longer about your feelings" Natalia said as she tried to cover up. "It's fine. I'm not going to quit or anything, Olivia I'm trying to take a bath for goodness sake!"
"I love you."
"WHat?"
"I love you. I'm in love with you"
"Olivia if this is some kind of joke"
"A joke? I can't be away from you because it hurts when we're apart. But I can't be with you because whenever we are I'm so fucking scared that I'm going to say or do something to freak you out so I push you away. I love you and I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember and its fucking killing me because I would rather die than lose you. But I would kill myself before I hurt you but no matter how hard I try I keep doing that anyway. Jesus you're right you should stay away from me. God" she cried as tears streamed down her face. Afraid to see the other woman's disgust she covered her eyes and fell down lost and alone and repeated "I'm sorry" over and over again.
"Olivia get up off the floor so I can get you up into the bed"
Looking up sharply Olivia recoiled "You don't have to. I mean I'm not expecting us to"
"Don't worry I'm not suggesting anything besides sleep. I'm tired and I know you are too" they made their way back to the bed and Natalia lay on one side of the bed looking up at the ceiling as Olivia did the same. "Do you hate me now?"
Looking over Natalia barked a laugh "Do you usually invite people you hate to sleep in your bed?" but then thought better of it when she saw the sly smile unfold by the faint moon light. "Never mind don't answer that"
"I'm serious"
"So am I. What do you want me to say? I never. I would have never expected. I mean I'm not exactly your type"
"What do you know about my type?"
"Olivia everyone knows your type. You forget I've seen you at meetings and networking for the Beacon. I've never seen you looking at me or any other woman like I see you looking at"
"At who?"
"At Thomas Warner or Matt Payne or Josh Lewis. So"
"So maybe I do look. Okay I look but you don't see the way I look at you. The way I look at you and Emma. I see you two and I can imagine just building a life that"
"You're just lonely. You just"
"I'm not lonely. I'm not confused. I don't expect you to feel the same or even understand but don't tell me what I feel. Don't tell me because I have never felt this way for anyone ever besides my children. I would die for you Natalia and. Jesus" she swore as she rolled out of bed to get away from her foolishness. It was stupid to tell her because she knew Natalia would never feel the same. She was going to lose everything. Her heart was breaking and then it wasn't. Her soul was dying and her life was fading and then she was whole. As her feet touched the floor Natalia sat up and reached after her and pulled her into a soft slow kiss that Olivia quickly ended. "No. Don't. Not if you don't want to. Not if you don't mean it" she couldn't stand that. It would kill her.
"I don't know what all this means Olivia but I do know that ever since I've met you I can't get you out of my head. I dream about you. I'm always wondering how you are and if you're okay."
Stroking the other woman's hair Olivia held her close and whispered in her ears fearing the response "But do you think you could love me?" No matter what Natalia gave it would be enough. She would make it enough. It would have to be. "Do you want to?"
"Aw baby don't you know that I already do. I already do"
She didn't tell her parents about Remy's calls because she didn't want them to worry. She didn't want herself to worry but she didn't know what to think. It was love and it never was but it was honest and looking back it was more than she'd ever had with anyone else, mostly a result of her own doing. Not knowing who she was or where she fit she'd spent her entire time in Springfield trying to fill out an empty life. Now she was going to have to put those instincts aside and build a life not only for herself but also a son. Her son. It still hurt to hear about Max from Remy and it hurt even more to know her parents were so hesitant that they would say nothing about the boy. She wasn't well and she wasn't perfect but she was going home. She was going to back to Max, Olivia, Emma and Jeffry. She was going home to find herself.