Disclaimer: This is normally the point where I would attest no ownership of Card Captor Sakura (or Ayumi Hamasaki, for that matter), but I just got my allowance, so I'm feeling rich. Bring on the lawyers, baby! I've got $20!
Chapter FourTomoyo moaned and rolled over. Her afternoon snack sat on a tray in a corner, half-eaten. Dinner would soon endure the same fate. So far she had gotten no less than three maids, not to mention her whole congregation of bodyguards, knocking on her door to ask her if she was alright. Honestly, couldn't a girl angst around here without getting interrupted? She had enough to think about without having to deal with snoopy help.
She did indeed. Lying on her bed, she thought about love.
She had heard it said millions of times that young people didn't really know what love is. Perhaps they were right… when she was 10 years old, she certainly hadn't known much about love.
She remembered her first meeting with Sakura, and even then being surprised by her warmth, and the returned warmth within her. Come to think of it, she hadn't had any real friends before that… she was sure those girls she would talk to and have play dates with didn't count as real friends. Not the kind who accepted her so completely, who she could trust and who would always trust her, who cared for her so deeply, even at first when they hardly knew her. None like Sakura.
Sakura had amazed her. She adored her. She wanted to catch every moment of her presence, be there for her if she ever had any problems, be the perfect best friend for her, never let that brilliant smile leave her face. Photography was only a passing hobby of hers until she met Sakura. She had never had a connection with someone like that; it was a completely new for her. At some point, she had looked at this strange feeling, and decided it must be love.
She wondered what that feeling had really been. Infatuation? Puppy-dog love? The powerful but misidentified love of a friend. Because she knew it wasn't love, not full love, not real love. Back then, she truly wanted nothing but Sakura's happiness. She knew it would make her happier than anything if she had her completely to herself, had all her smiles, affection, and heart. But it was a far off fantasy; something she might daydream about but knew she could never truly fulfill. So she settled for merely ensuring her happiness, making sure she ended up with someone who could make her happy, knowing her smiling face would make Tomoyo as happy as her. It was an easy choice… and it caused her no pain.
Tomoyo sighed, rolling onto her stomach and pressing her face into her pillow. Now she knew. Real love hurt.
She had grown up a lot since then. Everyone does, she supposed, in those five years of adolescence. If it was an infatuation, or puppy love, she should have grown out of it. Unfortunately, she was around Sakura every day, and she still amazed her, and her love had grown with her. She thought… maybe she knew what real love was, now. That intense emotion inside her heart, so acute that it tormented her. That reason she lived, that feeling that could bring such pain and joy. She sometimes looked at Syaoran and Sakura together, and it hurt, because she knew she could never have that. But then, an embrace, a smile, a simple word of friendship from Sakura would give her pleasure as she could never have imagined. It also made her want… more than friendship, more than an embrace, want all that Sakura had and held. It was a terrible desire. She thought that five years ago she would have been shocked and horrified at how selfish these feelings were, and that she could be angry when Sakura was happy. She used to believe that love was purely having someone so precious to you that you wanted the best of everything in the world for them. Even how you yourself felt was not that important; as long as the one you loved was happy.
But… that wasn't how it felt now. She wanted Sakura, but she could never have her, and it hurt, but she had to keep on the same smiling face that she had had on for all those years, because if she hurt Sakura-chan now, she thought it would hurt her even more than it would have when they were both children…
But, here she was, feeling things for Eriol. How did that fit in with anything? She knew a great deal of it was hormones, perhaps going into overkilldue to extensive repression, but she had to admit that wasn't the entirety of it. Eriol was a gentle person with a kind heart, who had been very patient with her even when she was struggling with her own emotions. He had his quirks and faults, but Tomoyo found they didn't do much to reduce her liking of him.
Okay. So. As Tomoyo liked to think of herself as a reasonably reasonable person, she tried to think it out.
Fact #1: She was admittedly in love with Sakura, and had been for some time.
Fact #2: She was beginning to display some sort of… feeling… for Hiiragizawa Eriol.
Problem: She was conflicting with herself. Whenever she felt something for Eriol, she felt like she was being untrue to herself and Sakura. It touched on something old and deep-running, making her recoil. Besides, one should be in love with one person and one person only. But lately, her feelings for Sakura had been causing her nothing but grief, to the point where it was interfering with the rest of her life. Her outburst in the park the other day had made that evident enough.
So?
Solution: Resolve her feelings for Sakura.
Easier said than done.
Tomoyo stared at the ceiling, like she could find the answers she was looking for engraved between the tiles. The soft sound of a 12-disk CD player changing records seemed amplified in the quiet room. This music seemed different from her other ones…
Ah, she remembered this CD. A cousin of hers, knowing she was a girl in her teens, had figured she'd like pop music and so got her the CD of a very popular artist for her birthday. Though the music wasn't too bad, considering, none of it had interested her very much. Except for one song…of course, this was the one starting to play at that very moment. Tomoyo allowed herself to relax for a few minutes, listening to the words of the song.
"Ever since before I was born
I kept searching for something that wouldn't change
I found it, I lost it, and sometimes
There were nights when I hurt people
If only a single one of your wishes could come true
If only a single one of your wished could come true
What would you pray for?
What would you pray to this sky for?
Though I wished for something with all my heart
Somewhere, I started learning to give up
I found it, I let go of it, and sometimes
There were nights when I hurt myself
If there were a thing I could offer to you
If there were a thing I could offer to you
A sure and unchanging feeling
If you would smile for me even just a little
There would still be meaning to me living here
If you would long for me even just a little
I wonder if I would be permitted to keep on living here
If only a single one of your wishes could come true
If only a single one of your wished could come true
What would you pray for?
Hey, if there were a thing I could offer to you
If there were a thing I could offer to you
A sure and unchanging feeling
That's right, a sure and unchanging feeling
Hey, right here..."
"If there was a thing I could give to you… a sure and unchanging feeling…" Tomoyo repeated softly. "Sure and unchanging… that's why I'm having so much trouble. My love of Sakura is the sure and unchanging thing in my life."
She curled up closer under the sheets. "How can I let go of it…?"
There was a soft knock on the door. "Tomoyo?"
Tomoyo sat upright in her bed. "Okaasama?"
It was rare enough for her mother to be home, let alone this early, let alone in her room.
"What's wrong, Tomoyo? The servant said you haven't come out of your room this whole afternoon."
"Nothing," Tomoyo answered, turning her head away. The one time she didn't want her mother, she had to come poking into her business.
"Don't lie, Tomoyo. It's rude. Now let me in."
Tomoyo frowned, but couldn't disobey her mother. She opened the door, eyes red and puffy, still in her now crumpled school uniform. Sonomi took one look at her, said, "You've been crying, dear," and closed her in an embrace. Tomoyo was nonplused by such obvious affection from her normally distant mother.
"What's wrong?" Her mother asked again, tone clearly stating that whoever was responsible would be subject to swift and painful retribution.
Tomoyo said nothing.
"Was it that boy you came home with? Because any man who hurts you…"
Tomoyo realized the servants in this house were even nosier than she had thought. She shook her head. "It's not Hiiragizawa-kun." Both were silent for a moment.
"Okaasama," Tomoyo looked up at her mother. "Have you ever been in love?"
Sonomi smiled a bit wistfully. "Yes."
"Were you in love with my father?"
A shadow passed over her face, and she bit her lip. "I… of course I was."
"Okaasama." Tomoyo looked up at her
with her dark violet eyes, always so wise and direct, and Sonomi knew that this
was a serious conversation and she couldn't get away with any lies. "I suppose I did love him… in a way. I was quite fond of him."
"But he wasn't your first love? Your true love?"
"No."
Tomoyo fell silent and looked like she was thinking about something. Finally, "The one you loved was Sakura-chan's mother, right?"
Sonomi had learned not to be surprised by observance on her daughter's part, and simply nodded.
"Did you ever stop loving her?"
"No… never…"
Tomoyo looked her full in the face. "Is that why you and my father got divorced?"
The question caused Sonomi too much pain to answer, but Tomoyo didn't mind. She understood. And she had gotten the answers she needed.
It was still raining when she showed up at his house. Fortunately, she had thought to bring along an umbrella this time. It was something of a storm, though, so she was still wet, with water shining on her thick dark hair, by the time she got to his doorstep.
He opened the door, and his eyes widened. "Tomoyo-san."
Tomoyo blushed. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. "I – you… you left your coat with me." She hastily peeled off the garment and presented it to him two-handed. "I wanted to give it back."
Eriol considered her carefully as he took back his coat. It wasn't like Tomoyo to be this flustered. "Did you walk all this way? Come in and have some tea. You must be chilled." He offered her his hand.
Tomoyo took it and looked around nervously as he led her inside. "Where is Nakuru-san?"
"Somewhere spending money and flirting, I'd suppose. She makes it a point not to be in this house when it's raining. Says it's too depressing."
On the contrary, Tomoyo thought the house felt quote warm and comforting. Or maybe that was just Eriol's presence. Like Sakura's father, he could emit that feeling quite strongly.
"I'll light the fire and you can dry off while I make some tea, okay?"
Tomoyo nodded, leaving herself to his ministrations. She was beginning to understand how he sewed yukatas for summer festivals and packed lunches for Nakuru everyday. He was almost like a mother. Tomoyo giggled despite herself.
Soon enough, she found herself wrapped in a warm blanket in front of a cozy fire. Tomoyo decided she liked her mansion better when the weather was good, but Eriol's house was definitely best in a storm. There were no usable fireplaces in her house, and all the blankets were ironed and placed onto beds with precise folds.
She heard Eriol busily moving around in the kitchen, and it brought her mind back to why she was there. She wasn't sure how she was going to say what she had come to say. In fact, she wasn't even sure what she had come there to say. All she knew was that she needed someone… someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to understand. She was nervous about opening herself to him, but she needed him to help finish this. Trust the kindness you know is in his heart, she told herself.
He finally brought the tea to her in a steaming cup. She took a sip. "This is excellent," she murmured. "Thank you…"
Eriol smiled, knowing she was referring to more than the tea. That tender smile again.
"Anou… E-Eriol-kun," The closeness of the name felt uncomfortable. "I've been thinking… about Sakura-chan."
He remained silent, gaze regarding her steadily. Reassuringly? She hoped so…
"I was thinking… I love her. I have for a very long time. But… that love… love's no good if it causes you nothing but pain. If that is what love is, then I don't want it. But… I was trying to let go and realized I can't… because I've made my love for Sakura-chan such a big part of my life. My whole life, really."
"Tomoyo-san…" He reached out and embraced her in an embrace, an almost paternal action. "It's okay… you don't have to let go of all of it at once…" His voice was so warm. He was so warm.
"Eriol-kun… behind it all, no matter what, you're always so gentle. I like it."
"I… I like you."
She felt his arms stiffen around her, "Tomoyo-san…" he whispered, voice losing its warmth with shock. "It's too soon."
She shook her head. "No, it's not! Help me, Eriol. I'm beginning to think this is the only way I'm ever going to get over this is if I can take a big step, make a great leap. Do something courageous I've never done before. Please, Eriol… help me."
He looked into her great, deep violet eyes, staring up at him in pleading. How could he resist her? Yet, something about it felt so wrong… they were the same physical age, and she was certainly attractive (his raging hormones were confirming that fact at that very moment), but he was a legendary magician who had lived longer than any human memory, and now he was a cynical, disillusioned young man. She was so young, so achingly pure, even more so for the fact that she had already loved and she was, now, begging him to love her. How could he, of all people, spoil such a creature?
She could sense he was going to refuse, and so did the only thing she could think of to change his mind. She pulled his head down and kissed him.
The kiss lasted rather longer than she had intended, and when they separated, both were flushed and breathing heavily.
If that was her first kiss, Eriol's common sense told him, and it most likely was, this was definitely a girl he should grab onto and not let go.
But still… the more morally inclined part of his mind protested.
Careful, boy, the lewder part warned. You might make her have to kiss you again.
Tomoyo's mind was encased in a gentle glow, both as an after effect of the kiss, and because she thought Eriol was going to give in, if that dazed look on his face was any indication.
Hmm… the goofy smile he was beginning to show probably wasn't a bad sign, either.
Then he kissed her, passionately, and all thought disappeared from her mind.
She stared at him after he let her go, and he stared back, something a little like love, but not quite, not yet, in his eyes. As he had said, it was too soon, but they could both try. And she felt some of the loneliness she had been carrying all these years of loving with all her being and never even being acknowledged drop off, and her heart felt lighter than it had for such long time…
She smiled at him, and he felt relief inside. "I'll take that as a yes?" she asked in a very soft voice.
He nodded.
She threw his arms around him in a way that was not quite romantic and whispered into his ear in a voice filled with joy: "Thank you." And some weight fell off his heart, too. Maybe he could love this almost-broken girl, help heal her heart, and in return… have his heart healed as well.
He nodded again and hugged her back. Within his arms, she felt a new emotion well up deep inside her, one she had never felt before. It was something so warm and comforting, she felt she wanted to be with him forever and never stop feeling like this…
Maybe this, after all, is love.
-owari
Yay!! Finished!! Sorry if this ending disappointed anyone. It just kind of… happened ^^;
The first part (actually, most of…) this chapter seems really disjointed to me, probably the result of me shoving a piece of writing intended for another place in the story in there, since it didn't work our in its original position. Sorry if Tomoyo's reasoning and decision seems really stilted/rushed/generally screwed up.
Thank you so very much, all that have reviewed!!! You guys make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside ^_^ Counting those 13 erased reviews, this story has gotten 36 reviews, which I think is pretty respectable. Thanks for all your praise and encouragement and support (and sometimes criticism).
Much thanks also goes to Liz, my ichiban no otomodachi, resident genius and proofreader. Have I ever mentioned I love you? Not in a Tomoyo way, of course.
The song in this chapter, which the story is named after, is "Never Ever" by Ayumi Hamasaki. I like her songs a lot, and when I listened to this it seemed to go "Tomoyo!" at me. You can find the original lyrics here. The translation was done by me.
I thank you truly for reading all the way through this fic. I hope you enjoyed it!