author's note: this chapter gave me so much hell. i was contemplating making him have delusions that he's Inspector Butters/write down all his thoughts in a film noir-esque monologue but writing like him is already a challenge within itself. and i'm sorry it's so short. but i'm making it up to you in the next couple of chapters. okay i'm done rambling now.

Dear Dougie,
Hello! I would have written to you last month but my parents grounded me for my school picture then SuperGrounded me because I got in between Eric and Wendy fighting in History class and broke my nose. At least I can go as Owen Wilson to Token's Halloween party. That's going to be real fun!
My parents ungrounded me today! I wish they could have at least let me go to the study group on Tuesday because I'm having a little trouble in Chemistry and Dad said if I don't make straight As on my report card then it's three more weeks of bring grounded, mister! Oh, well. I can always try to ask someone else if they can help me. Eric tutored me last week during lunch and I still got an F on my homework! I always thought he was a real smart fellow, but then Kyle told me Eric doesn't even have Chemistry this semester!
I had color guard practice after school but it didn't last very long because I'm the only color guard person and I accidentally hit Mr. Mackey on the head with the flagpole. He didn't bleed but I gave him a real bad headache and I think that headache made him tired because he said he was going to go home to sleep.
When I went back inside the building Mark, Leroy and Timmy tried to get me to play Magic: The Gathering again but they must have forgotten my parents made me sell my cards on account of they think it's witchcraft. I had to pee so I went to the bathroom and saw Eric yelling real loud at Wendy outside the library when I came out. But the scary thing about it was Wendy wasn't yelling back! She always gets more ornery than a rattlesnake with hives when Eric teases her! Why, two days ago she punched him right in the face and called him all sorts of names right in front of our teacher! Maybe she felt bad that she did it and that's why she's being nice to him. I don't know. Then Eric spotted me and told me to go away or he'd give me a Hydrogen Wedgie. If you don't know what that is it's when someone gives you a wedgie but wraps your underwear around you twice before they put the elastic on your head. I've had one before. It isn't nice.
I miss you, Dougie. Now that you moved away I don't really have any close friends here anymore. I know the study group only lets me in because they feel sorry for me and Eric's busy with football practice and trying to avoid his house when the plumber comes over. Maybe sometime I can convince my parents to let me go to Denver to hang out with you or your parents can drive back to South Park one weekend so we can hang out. That would be real fun!
How is Denver? The last time I went was a year and a half ago. Has it changed? I'm thinking about going there for college.
Oh, Hamburgers, I better go. Mom's saying it's time for dinner and I don't want to get grounded for being late to a meal. Write back soon!
Your best friend,
Butters

author's note: i don't know if the hydrogen wedgie is a real thing.