Chapter 4

This will be the last chapter, as I am planning on euthanizing the story after this, due to lack of interest. I'll give a quick synopsis at the end for anyone who cared enough to reach it.

1.

Aphrodite picked disinterestedly at her ambrosia, sipped her nectar without really tasting it, and occasionally heaved a languid sigh. When that failed to attract attention, she heaved another, then another. Finally Athena, who was afraid that, should Aphrodite heave her ample bosom again for yet another, even greater, sigh, it would overturn the table, spoke up: "Something wrong, 'phro?"

"Oh, it's just the world, the world," languished Aphrodite.

"What about it?" asked Athena.

"What about it?" repeated Aphrodite. "Have you looked at it lately?"

Athena glanced out the nearest window. To her steely grey eyes, nothing seemed to have changed much. "It seems fine to me," she said.

"Fine?" demanded Aphrodite. "Fine? Look at it! People are out there, just having sex and sex and sex and sex..."

"We get the picture," interrupted Artemis.

"Indeed," said Athena. "But why should that bother you? Isn't that your thing?"

"My thing?" said Aphrodite. "Oh no. No no no no no. This most definitely is not my 'thing'."

Artemis and Athena exchanged confused glances, like they both expected to hear the Twilight Zone theme start up any second. "But that's what you do," said Artemis. "You're always out there having sex and sex and sex and sex..."

"Artie, sweetie pie, you're a virgin, so I don't expect you to understand," said Aphrodite.

"Enlighten both us virgins, then," said Athena coldly.

Aphrodite began speaking as though she were talking to a pair of three year olds. "People shouldn't 'just' have sex with anyone," said Aphrodite, making full use of quotation marks and italics.

"I'm still not getting it," said Artemis. "I thought you 'just did it,' as you say, yourself."

"Oh no," said Aphrodite. "No, I never 'just do it.' I am the Goddess of Love, dearest, not the Goddess of an Itch that Needs to be Scratched. I love everyone with whom I lie. I am sharing love, spreading it around. But nowadays, people just do it, for no reason whatsoever. That's what's wrong with the world today. Where's the love, the tenderness? Where's the commitment, and the broken hearts? No one commits suicide for love anymore. Humans don't know what love truly means anymore. It's horrible." She heaved another sighed. Athena reflexively grabbed the table, so Aphrodite only managed to overturn a jug of Ambrosia. " They don't know what beauty is, either. Look at their world. It's ugly. Ugly buildings. ugly cars. They even think that tramp Kim Kardashian is beautiful. People call her the Goddess of Love now. Do you know how many men make me look like her? As if she could compare to my true beauty. You'd think any male with common sense would think there aren't enough antibiotics on the continent to cover the risk of going anywhere near Kim Kardashian."

"Did I hear someone mention Kim Kardashian?" asked Apollo from down the table.

"Yes, I was just saying that people down on earth are thinking that she is so beautiful..." began Aphrodite.

"Damn straight she is," said Apollo. "She is smokin' hot."

"Who?" asked Hermes, just noticing the conversation. The other gods were turning their heads in the direction of the conversation, listening in.

"Kim Kardashian," said Apollo.

"Oh yeah," said Hermes, nodding vigorously. "She sure is. I 've visited her two... three times now."

"Same here," said Apollo.

"I've been four," said Ares. Aphrodite glared at her lover.

"Five for me," said Hephaestos. Aphrodite glared at her husband.

"Did she do that thing with her tongue?" asked Ares.

"Hell yeah." Ares and Hephaestos started laughing. Ares high fived Hephaestos. Took the high five, then the two realized what they had just done. Ares began wiping his hand on his leg, as though trying to clean his hand. Hephaestos glared at his hand as though he had never seen it before. Then his hand burst into flames.

"What's this? What's this?" said Zeus, the last of the gods to join in. "What are you talking about?"

"Kim Kardashian," said the gods together.

"Ah, yes," said Zeus. His eyes grew misty and a fond smile played upon his lips as he retreated into a sweet memory. "I've appeared to her as an entire basketball team."

"One at a time, or all at once?" asked Hades.

"That's a bit of a long story," said Zeus. "It all began when..."

Hera suddenly stood upright an glared coldly at the gods. "You men should all be ashamed of yourselves. And as for you," she said, turning to Zeus. "Don't you dare come near me until you've washed thrice in the river Javex." She turned and swept imperiously from the banquet hall.

"What did I do?" asked Zeus, as she retreated.

"She's still a little miffed with the whole cheating on her thing, Dad," explained Hephaestos.

"On the other hand, she said she would not come near you until you bathed," offered Hermes.

"Did she?" mused Zeus, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "In that case, I may never wash again."

2. Meanwhile.

Percy was speaking rapidly into the phone. "It's a long story," he said. "It began with the three of us enjoying some quality time together... alright, yes, we were in a bar... Yes, that bar... Well, anyway, Grover threw a dart and accidentally hit a Firstrygonian... a Firstrygonian... I don't know, like a Lastrygonian, only sooner. Or later. At any rate, we had this fight... no, with the Firstrygonians... and then we had to make a run for it, but Travis kept using his cell phone so more of, y'know, those guys kept coming after us. So we had a run in with some Inbetweentryonians, then some Penultimatetrygonians... who are not to be confused with the Nexttolastrygonians... How would I know? I guess pa Trygonian got around a lot... could you stop asking so many questions? This is the only call I get. I don't know how long it lasts," he covered the mouthpiece to the phone and addressed the police officer sitting close by, reading a newspaper. "How long do I have on the phone?" he asked.

"Take your time," said the officer, turning the page. "It's your call."

Percy nodded and uncovered the mouthpiece. "So, like I was saying... yes dear...yes dear... No, I did not get milk... No, I do not think I will be picking up milk any time soon, either...Anyway, we- and by 'we' I mean Travis- were caught stealing by local constabulary, and because Grover and I weren't carrying any money on us, we were arrested along with Travis on the charge of vagrancy. .. No, seriously. We need to get bailed out. When do you think you can get here? Tomorrow? that's good... oh, you said the day after tomorrow.. or the one after that. That's..." Percy gritted his teeth as he prepared to lie through them. "...just wonderful, honey... I love you, too... a lot. What's that? You have a headache? Oh no. Find some aspirin, quick!...Tylenol, then! … oh for cryin'…. no, I meant that's wonderful. Name them after..." he racked his brain for someone they had not already named a child after. There was nothing . "...after someone close to us both. I got to go now, give the good news to Grover and Travis." He hung up a little more forcefully than he intended, and mumbled all the way back to his cell.

Grover was standing at the bars to his cell. "How did it go?" he demanded souning slightly desperate. "Will she be here tonight?"

"No," Percy said as he stepped into the cell he shared with Travis. The guard closed the door behind him and left.

"Tomorrow, then?" asked Grover, sounding a little desperate.

"I wouldn't count on that," said Percy as he sat down on his bunk.

"Then when?"

"I can't say," said Percy. "What with the twins and all we might be here for some time."

"She just had twins?" said Grover. "As in, right now, while you were talking ont he phone?"

"Yup," said Percy.

"How could you at a time like this?" said Grover. "I'm desperate." He leaned through his bars to get closer to Percy. "Have you seen my cell mate?" he whispered. Percy glanced past Grver at the leather clad hulking figure behind Grover. He wondered if all his tattoos were spelled correctly. "I don't like the way he keeps looking at me. We got to get out of here."

"Not happening," said Percy.

"Why did you have to knock out Travis?" moaned Grover. "He could have picked the lock in five seconds and we would all be free."

"He's less trouble unconscious," said Percy. "How many monsters has he called down on us because he kept trying to call Drew on his cell phone?"

"What about water?" said Grover. "Couldn't you step into the toilet, get wet and get really strong, bend the bars or something?"

Percy glanced over at the toilet in his cell. It apparently hadn't been flushed in weeks. A cloud of flies buzzed happily over it. "That's not going to happen," said Percy.

Just then, Grover's cell mate rose from his bunk and walked over to where Grover was standing by the bars, looming over the satyr. "You remind me of a bitch I used to have, last itme I was in the big house," he said. "He was just lik you, only manlier."

"Perrrrcccyyyy!" wailed Grover. "You've got to get me out of here!"

Percy pulled his pen out of his pocket and started to flip it and catch it in his hand. "Not to worry," said Percy. "Help should be arriving in about five seconds."

"What help?" asked Grover.

"The phone call I made," said Percy. "It was on a cell phone."

Just then, the building shook violently. The rear wall of the cell collapsed into dust, and through the hole in the wall stepped five giants. With a sigh, Percy uncapped his pen.

So that's where I'm killing it. Clarisse rescues Drew from the Spink, and decides the two of them will join the Amzons. Not the ones that run Amazon, but the wild lesbian cannibal ones who live in the forest. All does ont go as planned. Percy, Groer and Travis fight their way back to New York City and the feast of the gods and discover that the reason why the monsters are coming back to life so quickly is because Charon has begun a work to rule campaign until he gets anew armani. The crisis is averted, the feast ends and the heroes go home. The last line is between Aphrodite and Ares.

"Can we do something a little different, tonight?" asked Ares, a little pleading in his voice.

"Different can be good," purred Aphrodite. "What did you have in mind, lover?"

"Could you make yourself look like Kim Kardashian?"

The end.