I don't know why I wrote this. Or how. Or when...sometime in the middle of the night, most likely. Anyways, it's probably the most depressing piece I have ever managed to concoct.

So here it is, my character death fic.

I keep waking up, hoping that you're there beside me warming the sheets so that my small body won't have to work quite so hard to keep me alive in this bitter winter. I keep waking up, expecting you to growl and pull me back down when I attempt to slide out of the bed without waking you. I keep thinking that when I wake up, there'll be a soft kiss waiting on my lips and the streak of deep sapphire to meet my blurred gaze as you quickly disappear out the door, locking it behind you.

And then I remember that you aren't here anymore.

I remember when my limbs are still drawn to my chest, frantically gripping at whatever heat my body can manage to produce. I remember when the balls of my feet reach that icy stone and trail over it silently. I remember when I open my eyes to find only the gray of ancient stone walls and the white light that pours in from the badly sealed window and drowns out the comfort of dreams.

In the silent morning, my bare feet only whisper against the stone floors as I dash to your room and tear open the door to find an empty bed.

And afternoons never bring you home. You hate being welcomed back. You hate the kindness that you delude yourself into thinking you don't deserve. So you only return during the night, and I wait patiently for the sun to slip below the horizon so that I can sprint out to the front doors and sit for hours, tracking the horizon with my silver eyes so as not to miss you if you do decide to come back today.

Someday I'll stop doing this. Someday, I will wake up, warm and comfortable and alone. Someday, I will sleep in simply because I feel like it. Someday, I'll rise and smile at the sunlight that greets me.

One day, I'll start heading to the dining hall in the morning. One day, I'll lie out on the emerald grass in the afternoon and laugh into the expanse of lapis and opal. One day, I'll head back to my own room after finishing dinner and I'll shower and fall into dreamless sleep.

But at night, my feet will bring me back outside, into the darkness, into the shadow of the elm tree, under which the remains of your body rest, your name carved into the face of a white, marble slate that resides above them. At night, I'll cry until my tears run dry and my skin turns flushed and blotchy. At night, I'll fall to my knees in a silent scream, scraping my shins and bloodying my hands as I dig my nails into the ground. At night, I'll plead to some sick, sadistic god to have you back.

I'll pray that your warm body will create a valley on the spring mattress, gravity aiding you to ensnare me as I, commanded by my empty stomach, attempt my newest escape plan. I'll pray that you'll drag me back under those covers and seal your lips over mine in your silent promise and then vanish abruptly, only to reappear at breakfast, a scowl fastened to your handsome face as that red-headed fool attempts to braid your hair or steal your soba noodles for the umpteenth time that morning. I'll pray that those eyes that glower at all others, find mine again in silent serenity, speaking all those cliché words that you would not dare allow out of your mouth.

And that fact is laughably ironic, because sometimes they would, despite your efforts. Sometimes, in those lingering moments before the both of us fell asleep, those words would slip off your tongue, and, if my prayers are answered, I know that they still will, to spite you. And if, by some miracle, my prayers are answered, I know that a small smile will grace your lips just before your eyes slip closed for the night.

I know this because, though my body screamed and begged me for sleep, I remained awake just for that. Just for your smile. If my prayers are answered, I will continue to steal those minutes away from myself, because your smile is worth it. Even if we separate someday, I figure it'll be good blackmail at least.

I love you.

By the way, this was the optional theme for day four of Yullen week: Living on a Prayer. Actually, I'm still writing my real submission, which contains the official theme. That should be up sometime in the morningish-probably afternoon, cuz I wake up so damn late xD

Anyways, now that I've gotten my depression and angst out of the way, I can focus on finishing up the real submission for day four! ...oh wait... that's an angsty one too. Well, at least there's romance in it! I still haven't figured out where to stick in the northern star... It'll probably show up kinda like the theme for day three did xD Cleverly and near the end. But since I chose the title Extasia (Ecstacy), I am obliged to provide some sort of redeeming fluff or limes or something, so never fear! It will all work out perfectly in the end. Because somehow, my subconscious latches onto a title and just makes the story follow along. That's how it works with my brain. I will not question my luck.

...Until...later today? my bunnies!