I'm not exactly happy with this chapter, hence the delay. My apologies.

Castle took a few more sips from the bottle that night before replacing the cap and setting it down on the deck. He wasn't near drunk enough to forget Beckett but he thought he was good enough to at least finally sleep. He'd sat watching the chill of his breath distort the sky until cold overrode his booze soaked brain and he finally went to sleep in one of the guest rooms. Knowing Kate would never share the king bed in the master bedroom was something he just couldn't deal with right then. Even his alcohol fuzzed brain knew that was a rude awakening for another day.

Morning came way to soon after a few days with mostly no sleep. Although his body felt better Castle swore Kate's lie hurt even more today. As if the few hours away from his thoughts he had found in an unusually dreamless sleep had made remembering it all again so much harder to believe. And his head was pounding.

He lay there for a while trying to block out the sun and go back to sleep and, hopefully, back to not thinking of Kate. The sunshine could seriously take a break thought Castle as he rubbed his pounding head and tried to hide his eyes beneath the comforter. After 20 minutes of misery he accepted defeat in the sleep department and tried to feel his way to the shower without opening his eyes. Stupid. Now his elbow hurt from hitting the door frame and his right foot was in agony from kicking the wall. He better find some sunglasses soon or he would be needing a body cast.

He navigated the bathroom in the semi-dark of the night light and and let the hot water rain down on his tired, heart broken and now battered and hungover body. Castle propped himself against the shower wall and closed his eyes. He may have fallen asleep once or twice, he couldn't really be sure. When he finally forced himself from the shower the hot water was starting to go.

Forget shaving. Castle was doing well to pull on sweats and a shirt before he shuffled down to the kitchen for coffee. In a few minutes he was burning his tongue on that first sip but it did wonders toward clearing the fog in his brain. He took a few more sips and let his mind think about the events of recent days. Love sucked and he was obviously no good at it. Neither of his divorces hurt this bad but when he finally gets it right, or thinks he has, she would rather lie than tell him anything, for nearly a year. The only women in his life that didn't constantly hurt him or only want his money were Mother and Alexis. Maybe it should just stay that way from now on. He couldn't fathom loving anyone else, or ever not loving Kate, anyway.

Speaking of Mother and Alexis, they were probably starting to worry. He should call Alexis.

Given his recent streak of good luck, Castle figured he could expect a "surprise!" visit from either Martha, Alexis or both sometime soon. With that in mind he headed to the patio, despite his pounding head and burning eyes, for the liquor bottle he'd set aside last night. He was more than tempted to have another drink but instead he stumbled back inside and put the bottle in the cupboard over the sink.

He did not want to be another Jim Beckett.

He respected what the man had overcome, he really did, but hated the thought of his daughter losing her father because he had lost the love of his life. He didn't want Alexis to be as hard for someone to love as Kate Beckett had turned out to be. Didn't want her to feel like she needed to handle everything herself because she was essentially alone. If Jim Beckett falling in to the bottom of a bottle had anything to do with the enormous wall Kate had built around herself, well he was going to spare Alexis that. After all, Kate wasn't dead. She just didn't love him.

It was gonna hurt like hell whether he was drunk or not.

Castle shuffled around the Hampton's house aimlessly, and never had it ever felt more empty than it did in this moment. When it had just been he and Alexis, and then later Martha, spending holidays and summers at the beach it had never occurred to Castle just how big, empty, most of all lonely, this monstrous house really was. Mostly because it had never felt that way to him.

Until he met Kate. More accurate, until he lost Kate.

Until he met Kate, his memories of time spent here were filled with laughter, fun, fireworks and building sandcastles with his daughter. Though Kate had never been here he had allowed himself to imagine all the things he wanted to share with her. He saw them holding hands walking along the foamy surf toward the sunset. He saw them building sandcastles with Alexis's brothers and sisters, pink cheeked toddlers with his eyes and her smile. He saw weekends with the boys and Lanie and Jenny when they would join him and Kate and their beautiful babies at the beach for long weekends and vacations.

Knowing that I will never have this, it all feels so hollow now, Castle thinks to himself.

If this is how lonely it felt here while knowing that she had never made coffee in his kitchen, never relaxed in front of his fire snuggled next to him on the sofa, he's glad she never set foot on his beach. If she had he would have no refuge now. Given how many dreams he had of the two of them here, it really wasn't much of a refuge. He couldn't spend forever here no matter how trampled his heart felt. He had a daughter who needed her father and a career that required life in the public eye no matter how devastated he might feel inside.

Completely erasing her from his life would be the ideal, but it was also going to be categorically impossible. He would never forget the woman who would probably always hold his heart. She was his done, of this he had no misgiving. She'd made it blatantly obvious that he was not her one.

With that in mind he began trying to delete Kate from his life piece by piece. Most likely an exercise in futility but still so necessary to try. His dreams of the two of them together were tormenting his sleep, were the reason he found himself staring off in to space several times a day, and were getting in the way of putting the pieces of his heart back together. The idea was if he got rid of the reality of Kate, maybe the dreams of Kate would follow.

Starting easy, Castle deleted her number from the contacts list on his phone. It wouldn't matter. After this many years working with the detective of his dreams and so many nights spent staring at the phone just willing it to ring it will be about an eternity before he's able to wipe her number from his memory. He pressed the button anyway, and her smiling face was gone. He missed it already. While he had the phone in his hand he pulled up another number and dialed.

"Mayor Robert Weldon's office, how may I help you?"

After introducing himself and asking to speak to his friend, the mayor, Castle found himself at the mercy of the hold music while he waited for Bob to pick up the phone. Suspecting only the reminder of a friendly poker game, Bob came on the line with a boisterous "Hey Ricky, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

Pausing for only a moment Castle plunged right in, fearing if he didn't, he wouldn't.

"I need to officially be done at the 12th. Is there some paper I need to sign or..." Before Castle could finish Bob interrupted.

"Is everything okay Rick? Last time we spoke I got the impression you wouldn't be finished with your research any time soon?" And you don't sound like yourself, but the Mayor kept that thought to himself.

"I think I'm just in the way at this point Bob. Besides, after 4 years it's my own fault if I don't have enough Nikki Heat material. It's time for me to move on. What do I need to do to make this happen, now." Castle's tone left no room for questions, only action.

"My secretary can have the papers ready by the end of the day if this is what you really want. Come in and sign them whenever you like," he told Castle.

"I'm in the Hamptons now but I'll stop in on my way back to the city, probably at the end of the week." Castle finished speaking and sighed. Every word of this conversation seemed to make it all that much more final. Severing ties with the 12th and Kate Beckett was little more than a signature away. Castle said goodbye absently, not hearing the other man talking as he hung up the phone.

Castle felt like he was ripping out his own heart

He threw down the phone and rose from the sofa, not really thinking about where he was headed. He found himself in front of the sink with his hand on the cupboard door, reaching in for the bottle he'd put away just an hour ago. Before he could complete the act he reminded himself why he had put the bottle away in the first place. Alexis. His beautiful daughter deserved more than a drunk and heart broken fool for a father. Castle walked away.

As he let himself out the door to the beach Castle couldn't help but wonder how many time's he would have to rip his heart out before this was done. Calling Bob had hurt like crazy. He still had the murder board waiting in the study in his loft, a picture of Kate smiling at him from the middle of a twisted circle of death. He needed to erase that. Oh, and the vest. He'd thought it so cool the first time he showed up to a crime scene boasting a Kevlar vest identifying him as "writer." He'd planned to keep it forever as a reminder, now he needed to get rid of it for the very same reason. And...he needed to finish the book. The last book, of that he would be sure to make clear to Gina and Black Pawn.

He couldn't do anything about the board or the vest for the moment. He didn't want to deal with Nikki either but he needed to keep putting one metaphorical foot in front of the other if he was going to convince the world that all is well in the playboy life of millionaire author Richard Castle. With that in mind he headed to the office on the second floor. He didn't know quite what was in store for Nikki and Rook, they already had it better than he and Kate and he didn't think he could bear to kill her off.

He would figure it out in the next few hours he hoped, or become even more depressed trying. First, he would call Black Pawn and kill the contract.