Chapter 4: Teacher Teacher, are you stupid?
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Ichigo wracked his brains, their class were assigned to study the proper procedures on baking pastries today. Each individual were obligated to bring their own culinary necessities or they'll be instantly dropped out of the course.
Weird isn't it, you want to know why?
Coz they're taking up 'FINE ARTS' for cryi'n out loud! How did confectionaries fit into the situation? And if you're planning on asking the author of this story, he'd just probably say to you, 'Because their university was located in Karakura City where all lunatics gather.'
Well, if you're thinking that's weird, wait till you read whose going to teach them how to bake, take a wild guess, he's 5ft tall, dark skin and has a weird fashion statement with an odd accent and likes to cross his arms and mumble, "Buwahaha" all the time…
Predictable, I know.
I'm pretty sure that you've all guessed it correctly, the last sentence spoiled it all isn't it? Well, you've all got it accurately; their teacher is none other than Professor Don Kaonji himself.
Hell would definitely show his apocalyptic fury on every student that he's going to be teaching this semester…
Okay enough of that, back to Ichigo's dilemma. The guy was busy examining his bag for a fabric that he needed for their next class,
A single piece of cloth called an apron.
But due to his unlucky stars (that also makes him terrible at rock-paper-scissor) he'd forgotten bring it at school. Getting irritated immediately, he'd frantically tossed each item on his bag in fear of being dropped, "Where the fucking hell is it!?" He cursed angrily, eyebrows twitched in a deadly manner.
Yeah, he probably left it at home…
However, a mischievous million-dollar grin was curled up from the lips of an enthusiastic azure-eyed girl behind him, eyes akin to a naughty kitten.
Or is it?
"Oi Ichigo, hurry up will'ya? Were gonna be late!" Rukia hollered with a hint of mischievousness in her voice. "Don't blame me if we got kicked out from the class."
The frustrated Ichigo quickly turned his bag upside down to completely empty the sack but to no avail, no apron was in sight.
"Goddammit, I'm sure I put it on my bag yesterday!"
She walked towards him asked, "What are you looking for anyway?"
Ichigo snorted. "My apron, it's gone!" He replied while picking up the pens, papers and naug—opps, how did that get there! that was scattered into the floor.
He was in a state of panic, the orange head Ichigo anxiously walked back and forth while sweating hysterically below his neck. Dammit, I'm dead meat! The orange haired guy exasperatingly thought, just the thinking of getting expelled from the university makes him shivers in fear.
However, when he was about to write his last will and testament, Rukia spoke about a preposition…
A preposition that could probably ruin his entire college life.
"I know! Why don't you use my 'extra' apron? I've brought a spare in case of emergency, good for you!" She happily replied while going back to her desk and grabbed a piece of apron that is identical to the one she's wearing at the moment, "I've also put my personalized touch into it, you should feel lucky that I will lend it to you." She added shrewdly.
Ichigo's eyes widened, unspeakable chills going up his spine. "P-Personalized touch?" Somehow I got a bad feeling about this. He worryingly thought.
"Yup!" She said, swinging a pink apron with the symbol of her favorite manga character 'chappy' at the center of the fabric. It also got frills and ribbons that are trimmed elegantly on its sides and strap.
"Isn't it wonderfu—"
"NO WAY! ABSOLUTELY NO WAY!" He instantly refused after seeing the girly color and the infuriating bunny logo on the cloth, he'd rather be dropped than ruin his prized 'tough guy' image at school.
"So you rather be dropped then?" She implied even more, arms clasped altogether. "All you need to do is wear this apron for just about an hour and your sorry ass would be saved from failing the class, its sooo damn easy."
"B-But—"
"Well, what would you prefer?" She all-knowingly asked, finally ready to go for the kill. "Renounce your valued reputation and pass? Or protect your 'tough guy' attitude and fail? Besides gossips mostly died after 75 days…"
Ichigo seriously thought about this, she had him in her claws and he has no escape. The only thing that could keep him from studying at this school was to wear such goddamned fabric, but nonetheless, after a couple of minutes of thinking, he finally gave up and grabbed the cloth while sighing dejectedly. I will surely regret this…
And the fly had entered the spiders' web.
Oh the indignity…
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All of his classmates were eyeing him— or much rather shocked to see the almighty Kurosaki Ichigo wear such— cherry colored frilly fabric out in the public. The moment he entered the room was so surreal, everyone around thirteen mile radius (or probably more) felt Goosebumps crawling up their spines as orange and pink collide.
Every person felt that something's disturbing the balance in the world and several ominous signs have been showing up…
First, a soccer practice was stopped when all players got on their knees after they felt a bitter cold sensation emerging on their backs.
"C-Captain did you felt it?" a soccer player asked, numerous hairs on his back rose ominously.
"It's a bad omen I tell you…a bad omen…"
Second, a mirror cracked in the men's restroom for no apparent reason.
"Ahh it's Sadako! Sadako is coming!" A boy urinating screamed and ran down the hallway with his pants down.
Third, a two S-Rank Criminals standing on top of a mountain in….Konoha? Felt a weird aura in a distance.
OoOoOWARNING! INSANITY TO THE NINTH LEVEL!!OoOoO
(A/N: If you're a die hard fan of Itachi or Kisame, you may find this too OOC so you better skip this part.)
"Itachi I felt something is wrong…" Kisame informed his partner after he'd sensed an eerie presence from afar.
"Kisame, don't tell me you drink the leader's laxative again?" Itachi replied with a hint of fear on his voice. "Coz if you do, we're sure are screwed, if the boss finds out about this, he will order us to clean up the cave's toilet again and I'm not the one cleaning the urinals this time that's for sure."
Kisame blinked twice, "Wha— Oh hell no! it was an accident, I thought it was a juice, besides someone put it in the refrigerator for Pete's sake! Who's dumb enough to put a laxative on a fridge?" The shark-head akatsuki member truthfully explained, embarrassed for some reason. "Maybe it's that bastard Daidara! I still haven't paid that hundred bucks that I owe him when we go sightseeing in Sunagakure last week so he put it on the fridge as a payback, that cheeky bastard!"
A single dark brow rose gallingly, "Kisame, you go out with Daidara?" Itachi muttered unemotionally or is it jea—nah! It couldn't be.
"It's not what you think! Were doing some reconnaissance mission for the upcoming mission of capturing of the Ichibi no Shukaku and the other Jinjuukiri's (Hope I spelled it right)"
"Is that so?" The annihilator of the Uchiha-clan replied with his cold demeanor.
"It's not like were on a date or something. I mean eww! Two guys dating?" Kisame retorted, disgusted of the fact that his first date was a guy. "Itachi, I'm not that desperate!"
"Are you positive that Daidara's a guy?" The older Uchiha turned his head and faced his shark companion with a serious stare. "Have you seen his body beneath the cloak that he's wearing all the time? Well if you ask me, I don't and I think the others haven't seen as well."
Kisame's eyes widen comically, "So are you saying that—"
"Well then, have you seen him join us even once whenever we go out to an open house hot spring?" Itachi said as he furthered out his assumptions. "He always managed to have an excuse whenever leader would announce that we will go to a hot spring or other revelries that requires showing a good amount of flesh."
Silence…
"Well I'll be dammed…" Kisame gasped. "But seriously Itachi. I feel something's wrong in here! As if were on the wrong place at the wrong time and at the wrong scene, just like the characters on those crossover mangas that you've been reading lately."
"Oh don't worry, we have short air-time on Naruto anyway, besides who knows, maybe Tite Kubo would scout us."
"Don't say that Itachi, we still have taping on Naruto Shippuuden eps. 228 or something this afternoon." Reminded by his shark partner. "Besides, if Masashi Kishimoto found out about this, were totally fired."
"Fine, but we must buy my favorite pochy first before going back to the studio okay?"
"Deal."
(00 A/N: Ehem, okaaay…before I write something more idiotic, let's continue with our main story shall we?)
Everyone in the room thought the same thing as if they have some kind of mental telepathy or somethi'n. Their eyeballs fight the urge to pop out of their own respective skulls,
WHAT THE FUCK?
Imagine a well buffed guy wearing a small pink apron with a matching comical bunny character situated at its core, not to mention it contradicted with his muscles coz of the size of the cloth. It was like saying the phenom, Undertaker has a thing for the cross-dresser Vito in WWE.
"What're you looking at bastards!" Ichigo threatened, gathering the last ounce of dignity within him, he walked straightforwardly head up high while he passed each crowd with undistinguishable expressions written on their faces. Whenever he heard someone giggle or laugh, he instantly send them 'you-wanna-die' glares that can even make the winter turn into summer. He located himself on the farthest table on the back where his other lunatic peers were gathered.
"What happened to you Ichigo?" Tatsuki asked, laughing hysterically in front of him. "You finally cracked up and joined the Chappy geek squad?"
"Har di har har!" Ichigo replied, it was no use intimidating her, she knew him since kindergarten and was immune to his threats after all. "Really funny."
"W-Well ummm, I think it's not that bad…" Inoue interjected. "I think it's pretty cute!"
"Ichigo! I didn't know you were so in touch with your feminine side—" Said by the obnoxious Keigo but a hand chop from orange head was instantly delivered before he finished his sentence. "I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!"
"You know Ichigo, it a plus to the girls when you're in touch with your feminine side!" Mizuiro intervened, still goddamn innocent as ever. "Take it as an advice from my experience."
"Like you advice is gonna be useful to me, 'romeo'." The embarrassed/angry Ichigo stated, crossing his arms together.
"Ichigo you're wearing……….pink." Said by a stoic Chado. "It doesn't suit you."
"I know…" Ichigo murmured.
Ishida coughed, getting the attention of everybody, "Well, only a thick headed bird brain such as yourself would forget to bring his own necessities on its required day." Ishida moves his glasses upwards, "Plus, that apron lacks some sense into it just like its owner."
"Shut up, pencil boy!" retorted by Ichigo, both fist clenched. "It was Rukia's apron dammit! I'm only borrowing it!"
However, their conversation was interrupted when their teacher finally speak up.
"Okay class let's begin I, Professor Don Kaonji would pair you all in guys in gals for our lesson this day, Buwahaha!" The teacher extraordinaire announced with an absurd accent.
"Any objections?" He solicited, creating several mumbles and chitchats from the students but none actually stand up and objects the proposition particularly in fear of failing if they react.
"Great! Now let's start announcing the groups…"
The pairing was pretty much predictable actually, since same genders can't be grouped, Orihime was paired up with Ishida, Mizuiro to a hot matured chick with a godlike cleavage, Chado to a girl with identical extensive vocabulary like his, (I wonder how would they interact) and finally scowl boy to bunny girl.
Everyone thought it was a perfect match. Since no one had enough balls to talk to the girl except Ichigo (and his posse) and since they're somewhat akin to each other, it's reasonably a natural choice.
Fight fire with fire…
And given that everyone outside Ichigo's group was intimidated even with just a simple conversation with 'Mr. & Mrs. Kurosaki', it's like hitting two birds with one stone. Moreover, they're two of a kind especially with their matching aprons.
How 'romantic'…
And perhaps you're thinking about the 'lucky' girl that has been paired up with Keigo?
Well, it's none other than the martial arts expert Tatsuki…
Talk about tough luck, It would be an understatement if you'd just say the girl only passed out after hearing the name of her partner.
Oh may God took pity on her unlucky soul and give his eternal grace upon the girl…
She'll probably need it.
"Well, that will be your permanent groupings from now on, and no further revisions would be accepted I tell you!" Don Kaonji stated. "If that's cleared then we'll start baking 'Drop in' cakes 'kay?"
'…'
Everyone was dumbfounded.
"Drop…in?" The whole class asked rhythmically.
"YEES! It my personal favorite!" He replied while crossing his arms in his chest and doing his trademark laugh. "Buwahahaha!"
"U-Ummm teacher, what's a drop in cak—" The geeky class representative asked but he was immediately halted by Kaonji.
"WHAAAT!? You haven't heard about drop in cakes?" The psycho prof exaggeratedly responded. "MY GOD! What a poor child, just what kind of education are those teachers telling the youth these days?"
"W-well umm—" the class rep uttered but was interjected instantly again, "NO WORRIES! You all fellow students would learn from Don Kaonji, teacher extraordinaire, the proper skills on culinary arts, Buwahahaha!"
Everyone (even the impenetrable Ishida) disapprovingly thought, No way José!
"Well, let me explain the first step on baking Drop in cake." Kaonji explicated putting a pair of white gloves and mask akin to surgical doctors operating on emergency rooms in the hospital. "First, get the flour, eggs, sugar and other essential ingredients…. AND DROP IT IN THE BOWL!"
Several, ruckus and commotions from the students was heard in an instant. However it was abruptly halted when a student finally got the courage to ask, "Ummm teacher, were supposed to mix flour and egg first befo—"
"NO NO NO, baby! You've got it all wrong!" Kaonji retorted, crying frantically while pacing his index finger. "When I say you drop everything down in the bowl, you must drop EVRYTHING INTO THE BOWL! UNDERSTAND!"
'….'
Is he for real?While Kaonji continues rattle on about the proper procedures (that no one followed) Ichigo took the initiative to do the first step by grabbing a box of flour and a bowl, and then he turned his gaze at the girl on his right, "Rukia, go grab the rolling pin will'ya?"
Rukia lamely blinked twice, "rolling…pin?" she repeated. "Are you sure that you really need a…pin?"
"What're blabbering about?" He retorted, irritated by her flimflams. "Quit whining and go find the goddamn rolling pin quick!"
After awhile the cerulean-eyed beauty, come back with a small 'pin' in her hands. "Here, happy now?" She extended her arms towards him to give the sharp and pointy object.
"What. Is. This?" The dumbfounded Ichigo grabbed the small piece of needle, his eyes narrowed treacherously.
"Huh, a rolling pin like you ordered. Geez! It took me awhile to convince Ishida to lend me that so you should use it well." Rukia replied with a small hint of accomplishment. "Is there something wrong?" she belatedly asked.
"So… how does this thing become a rolling pin anyway?"
She grabbed the pin in his hand and started to spin it horizontally by the use of her thumb and index finger. "This way…"
He despondently sighed, "I remember ordering you to find a 'rolling pin' NOT A GODDAMN PIN THAT IS USE FOR SEWING!! God, for the sake of all that is sane in this world, can you at least do something right even once in your freaki'n life?"
"How am I supposed to know what that!?" She retorted. "You told me to find a pin so I only did the most obvious thing that entered my mind."
Annoying stupid bitch! He would have retorted, if he just weren't so preoccupied in what he's doing at the moment. "Okay fine, you beat the eggs while I mix the flour got it?"
"Roger!" She happily saluted and then placed a couple of eggs (without breaking the outer shell) into the bowl, and as cliché as it may sound, Rukia grabbed a spoon and smashed the eggs wide open.
SLAT!
The sneering sound of a smashed eggs reached his ears immediately. He quickly turned his gaze behind him and see her incessantly shatters the unlucky eggs that hasn't given the privilege to live, grow and rot in a stomach of a human being, "Teme— WHAT DID YOU JUST DO!?" Ichigo yelled harshly.
One onyx brow rose as she looked at his stiffened reaction, "Huh? The exact thing you've asked me to do of course!" Kuchiki Rukia concluded with obvious satisfaction. "Beating the eggs." She added lastly while continuously smashing the (enriched with shells) raw eggs.
Ichigo dumbfoundedly smacked his forehead, staring at the 'naïve' girl who's smashing the poor innocent eggs into bits.
I should've known… He thought disconsolately. "Rukia, you haven't baked—no, scratch that, you haven't even cook in your entire lifetime do you?" Ichigo concluded dryly, glancing absurdly down at the bowl filled with mixed egg shells and yolk.
She gave an abrupt inclination of her dark head. "Yeah, how'd you know?"
The orange haired student frowned at her disclosure, up until now he'd never thought a person with a common sense as 'big' as a grain of rice exist, if not— probably smaller…
"Well, its because— YOU DON'T MIX THE SHELL WHEN YOU'RE COOKING IDIOT, THAT'S BASIC KNOWLEDGE!!" He drawled insultingly.
Rukia drew in a sharp breath. She really has no idea what she had done to alienate this man—probably noting, she reasoned. The man seemed to have natural antagonism for Christ sake!
"How am I supposed to know that?" She retorted and shrugged her narrow shoulders ruefully. "You only ordered me to beat the eggs."
"I clearly remember ordering you to beat the eggs not to SLAUGHTER IT!! Geez! Talk about deficient common sense, I would prefer a blind worm as a partner!"
"Like I want to be paired up with a guy that seems to have far more worse menstrual cycle than an average female!"
"Argh, enough!" He concluded, grinding his teeth. "I'll beat the eggs while you open the goddamn stove so that we can finally melt the chocolates chips. Surely even an idiotic nut-case like yourself can do such easy—"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!
Speak to soon…
"Task…" He muttered dryly before turning back again to see sparks and smoke float thru the air. "Lemme guess, you twisted the stove's outlet to maximum…" he added all-knowingly.
"I just thought that if I turned it to maximum, the chocolate would melt faster…"
Ichigo scratched the back of his head, he didn't know if his sanity can take all if this mental bashing any longer. In conclusion, HE created a straight line in the floor that divides their area by the use of a chalk. "This is the impenetrable wall of Jericho, try to pass my side and you're dead."
"But—"
"NO BUTS!" Ichigo hastily dismissed. "We won't finish in time if I allow you to chip in while I'm cooking!"
"Stingy strawberry!"
"Hah! At least this 'strawberry' knows how to cook." He prompted shrewdly. "And by the way, stop calling me strawberry, it's annoying!" He added belatedly.
"Hmph!"
The orange-haired Ichigo found himself smiling as he thought of his sudden victory over the girl. There are only few times that he actually won an argument over the girl especially when the stipulation on deciding the victor is a rock-paper-scissor game (in which he literally suck). He dropped the butter, graham, cream cheese, the melted chocolate and other ingredients on the pan just like what their eccentric teacher told them. He vaguely turned his gaze on the other side where his raven haired partner was standing with teary eyes that sparkle in spite of the dim lights of the room. The puppy eyes routine huh…He shook his head, dazedly. I won't fall for that one. His grin widened.
However, despite of his constant efforts to remind himself not to look at the girl, He couldn't help but to checked upon the (pretending to be) lamenting girl every minute, their gaze interlocked a couple of times.
Ichigo sighed ruefully while striding towards the girl after he erased the line on the floor.
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"Rukia, that's too much icing!" He corrected her. Since the only tasks that is left to do is decorating the cake, Ichigo allowed her to participate by ornamenting the crust, although he's supervising her every action completely so that she won't be able to create another goddamn ruckus.
"There! Good enough for you Mr. perfect?" She bit out angrily.
"I suppose that will do…" He nodded frowningly. "Still, do you have to draw your crappy bunnies on the cake?" He added while pointing at the flamboyant scribbles on the cake.
"What's wrong with my designs?" She defended lightly. "It makes it more lively isn't it? Besides, you said that I-can-do-what-ever-I-want!." She added while patting an icing to his nose.
"Hey— quit it or I'll have to respond in drastic measures." Ichigo retorted after he rubbed off the sticky icing on the tip his nose. But nevertheless, she ignored his warning and squirted an icing on his face.
"You've said that I can do whatever I want!" She reasoned in a sugary singsong tone of voice
"Now you've really done it!" Ichigo contemptuously threatened, eyes flaring brightly whilst grabbing a plate full icing, ready to throw it at her any second. "Prepare to be trashed Dumbass!"
He tossed it hastily at her with 'killing intent' but due to Rukia's sharp reflexes, she'd evaded it with flying colors. "Hah! Three years too early to challenge me to a dodge game bastard! There's no way a person like you could ever hi—"
SLAT!
"What are you blabbering about again bitch?" Ichigo said with a mocking grin formed in his mouth. He had hit her face pointblank after all and it's only natural to feel proud of it.
Oh this is war, all right, and its time to pull out the big guns! Dark brows narrowed fumingly over ocean blue eyes. "ICHIGO YOU IDIOT, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THAT FAR!"
"You forced me to, though I st—" A dish full of icing coming from the girl abruptly cut him off. "YOU COULD'VE WAITED TILL I'M FINISHED TALKING BITCH!"
"Hah! You snooze, you loose!"
They started to throw icing on each other which led to a chain reaction in which the class started a food fight. However, their 'bonding' moment was abruptly cut off by their cooking professor, Don kaonji. As fun as it may seems, he still have to stopped them one way or another, coz if he doesn't, his monthly paycheck will be in danger due to salary deduction.
"Ehem, it's a nice way to waste a good food isn't it? Kurosaki-dono, Kuchiki-san?" Kaonji seriously interjected. "Dean's Office, and make it quick."
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"My my, if it isn't Mr. and Mrs. Kurosaki once again." The blond haired Matsumoto sarcastically muttered, taking a sip of her sake on the dean's desk. "What did the both of you do this time?" She added with a grin. Though by just looking at their faces, anyone would know immediately what they have done.
"I'M NOT HIS/HER WIFE/HUSBAND!!" Ichigo and Rukia corrected Matsumoto's former statement in chorus which makes her grin grew wider. They've turned their gaze to both sides, staring at each others enticing azure and ginger orbs. A pale blush emerged from their upper cheeks.
"What are you looking at?" The 'lovebirds' concurrently asked once more as if they have metal telepathy of some sort.
"Stop copying me!" They muttered in tandem yet again, Matsumoto's giggles quickly grew into hilarious laughter's after they've turned on their heads and crossed their arms in perfect synchronization.
"Haha— You know….I could introduce the both of you to an owner of a slapstick bar Hahaha, near the school if you like," She informed them while wiping the tears of joy in her eyes. "Your comedic tandem is a killer!"
"Pass…" They both agreed at the same time.
"Well if that's the case then, back to our problem earlier, you both know the rules, D—"
"Detention isn't it?" Rukia finished her statement.
Matsumoto coughed, "Okay then, the two of you would spend t—"
"Three hours, we know…" Ichigo concluded hastily. "We've been to detention almost three times this week already and probably stole the records of most attendance ever since this school was created, Hell, we've practically spent more hours in detention rather than our normal classes for Pete's sake!"
Matsumoto shrugged. "Okay then, you knew what to do, off you go, and by the way give my regards on the guard, Ganjuu okay?"
"Sure thing." He replied while pacing backwards thru the door.
"Oh, one more thing," She said belatedly. "Clean up your faces first please? Icing can be sticky when you leave it on an open air."
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The food fight that they've started attracted millions of ants and planned to do a hostile takeover that leads to a catastrophic chain of events in which the principal of the school issued a Deafcon 1 and dismissed the classes early so that the 'bug busters' can prepare for the upcoming swarm of hungry ants.
"Great, definitely what I need…a sticky hair." Ichigo sarcastically muttered. They are walking side by side with each other talking about the events that occurred to them earlier.
"Look on the positive side Ichigo, you won't need anymore Hair gel if your hair is sticky enough isn't it?" Rukia joked in between her giggles.
They are in close proximity to Urahara's apartment when the raven haired student suddenly froze after she caught a glimpse of a familiar redheaded figure standing along a corner with a sickening smirk pasted on his face. She instantly ordered Ichigo to go ahead making a lie that she has some items that she forgot to buy at the groceries. He followed her instantly muttering something like 'senile dwarf' on his way home.
After he's completely out of sight, Rukia slowly walked towards the guy and ominously asked, "What are you doing here?"
The redheaded fellow gave a snort in reply, "That's pretty rude to say to a person whom you haven't seen for awhile, Kuchiki Rukia."
"Who sent you here…Renji?"
The crimson haired guy eyed her seriously, not feeling the need for familiarities, he went straight to the point,
"Your Big brother is pissed."
To be continued…
A/N: Another chapter done, I've tried to ask every person that I know that is fluent English to help me in this story but sadly…I got none so sorry for any mistakes that you'll find.
Also, it would be a great help if someone out there is willing to help me beta this story…I really need one.
This chapter was supposed to be chapter five but my laptop got bashed so I have to redo everything -sob- anyway, if you got any suggestions or comments just put it on the review.