"Oh, shit"
Adam huffed to him self as he locked his door and ran down the stairs. Was he really going to do this? Was today the day? It was unreasonably warm this morning and for an instant he thought maybe it would be more wise to go running at ten a.m. then his normal five a.m.
But that alternative only drifted in and then out of his head, as his legs began to move across familiar pavement.
He liked running before anyone else was out, before cars clattered to life and ruined the stillness of the air.
No, today, this stupid thing he was about to do, it was a one time thing. He would try, but only because Hannah was right, he did need to find a way to move on with his life. Something needed to be done, a connection had to be forged or he would drive him self crazy. He knew he had been bordering on the verge of creepy stalker. He'd seen it in the way Drew smiled tightly and looked away from him at dinner last night. Hannah on the other hand, well thank God for Hannah. She at least played along, or on some level understood his pathetic fascination.
For days now his brothers girlfriend had been pushing him to try and meet the cute girl that took care of his neighbors kids.
His admittedly sick and fragile position in life had been in a constant state of frenzied consumption since his first minutes of observing her. The way her hip seemed to be curved and carved for the specific and express purpose of balancing a baby. Her smile, how even at a distance it was warm and genuine. How her long waves of nut meg hair were constantly in both of their way. His favorite time of day was between the hours of two p.m. to three p.m. The twins were usually both awake and in high spirits which meant an entire sixty minuets in which he could greedily ingest what were to him silent screams of unadulterated laughter. The babies were just learning to role over and hold them selves up, soon Hannah had said they would probably be crawling. But for now Adam could watch and take in the beautiful simplicity of wonder and joy on their chubby cheeks as they played and explored. For them the world was warm, bright, and full of possibility. Perhaps that was part of the draw, part of what kept his mind incredulously busy day after day as he stared out his window.
He had no idea which direction they were going, or how he would find them or even if he would find them. But he had to try. He had watched with nervous excitement this morning the long task of getting both babies ready for a walk. The fear of knowing this was it, that this was his chance to leap from observer to participant was enough to send him running in the direction of the corner store and into the calming numbness of a bottle but he had come to far now. He couldn't have her and it at the same time. The harsh realization stabbed at him as he reached the end of his side of the block. He could never have what he wanted most if it meant giving up what he knew he needed now.
A fleeting memory slipped past his defenses. She had been barley visible on his neighbors living room couch with one of the twins draped over her, it's tinny round head nestled on her chest. They were both asleep. With a shattered pain in his chest that threatened to undo everything in that moment, he had realized then that he wanted them. He wanted those people to be his people. He hadn't quite understood then, and he wasn't sure he fully understood now. But what he did know was that today he was taking a giant leap across a chasm of loneliness and built up walls that had started to crack and crumble the night he almost died.
With renewed vigor and resolution he quickened his pace. His eyes searching and studying every thing and everyone around him. He had to find them, and some how he had to meet her.
With a stitch wincing in his side and sweat working over his brow his heart began to sink. He had been around the city block that made up their quaint neighborhood twice now and there was no sign them. Cutting across the small grassy area that the city had the nerve to call a park Adam slowed his frantic run to a dejected walk. Surely she wouldn't have taken the twins outside of their small burrow of row houses and apartment buildings. The Chicago weather had been slightly unpredictable lately and for December to have a rare sunny snow free week like this one had been was whipping it's inhabitants into a false sense of security. Any day now Adam could feel that winter would be rearing it's biting vengeance on them. This might have been his only reprieve in the cold, icy season ahead of them that he would have to see her face to face.
Disappointed he worked his way down a small path that other runners had been cutting through the grass long before he had discovered the short cut that would put him almost directly in front of his building. He liked to go this way because there was a tinny clearing surrounded by small trees and every so often he would sit in it and imagine that he was in Ohio, back when his family was whole and life was far less complicated. There had been a similar plot of land close to his childhood home and he would follow his older brothers in earnest, his small legs always working over time to keep up with Eliot's. For some reason he never remembered that it had been Drew who would stick close to him never letting him fall or get left behind. No, he had always been focused on Eliot, the leader of the pack, his hero. Eliot was five whole years older than he was and that fact alone made him the ultimate person of interest in Adams eyes, the one he wanted to emulate and mimic. They would go to the clearing by their house and hide out from their parents, hours were passed pouring over comic books and sneaking candy that would ruin their dinner. He was mostly to young to read back then but Drew would always make sure he knew who the good guys and bad guys were.
The sound of crying broke through Adams thoughts and for a moment the sad whimpering was all around him. Stopping abruptly to listen for the source he followed the sniffling sobs.
Nothing in his twenty-eight years could prepare him for the sight that lay before him now. A young woman sat cross legged on a blanket, a tinny squirming bundle in her arms. He would have known her profile anywhere even with the pink tear stained tracks that now took over her features. His stomach dropped and before he could process what was fully happening he was striding towards them. As he got close he could see the other twin lying sprawled in a frustrated mass on the quilt at the girls right. Everyone was crying. Every last one of them, and with all the fearlessness of a fireman rushing into a burning building Adam made his approach.
"Ummm, Miss? Are you alright?" his voice was deep yet hesitant.
The woman made a slight jolt of surprise as she turned suddenly towards the large man beginning to crouch down next to her.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you" he reached out towards her but then thought better of it. "Are you alright? Can I help you?"
The babies were beginning to whine louder now and she knew action was needed but found her self frozen in the force of two bright blue eyes searching hers. She had seen this man before, and something inside her clicked and reassured her that he could be trusted. His face was kind and serious, and he wanted to help. She stared at him a moment longer, he was so beautiful. The urgency in his stance along with the earnestness of his gaze brought more tears to her eyes. She needed to get ahold of her self. The babies. They were screaming and she needed to calm them. It was so hard when they both went off at the same time, it seemed she never had enough arms for everyone.
"Thank you. " she found her self breathing in a gasp. "Could you just grab LuLu, for me?" she pointed.
The man's eyes flashed to the baby at her feet. Panic raced across his features and he let out a stilted mumble of "Umm, I," but then it was lost as Lucy let out a shattering cry, demanding to be picked up.
Adam had no idea what he was doing. Damn it! Anything but this! His hand shook as he mimicked the woman's position on the blanket and slowly reached for the baby.
"How do you umm,"
"Just scoop her up like a football, support her neck and hold her close to you." The woman encouraged distractedly.
Following her command he did as he was told. The squishy, wiggling form of LuLu in his arms was like nothing he had ever experienced. He was terrified of holding her with too much force as well as not enough. He had never held a baby in his life; why did they cry to be held but then bend and squirm when you had a hold of them like they just wanted to escape? He glanced across from him to see the way the woman held the other baby. She cradled him close to her heart and rested her cheek on his small bald head all the while shushing him with quiet gentleness. Attempting to do the same he squeezed the tinny person in his grasp close to his chest and glanced down at her for the first time. She had stopped struggling against him and instead began to quiet her self and gaze up at him with wide eyed curiosity.
LuLu, Adam thought she was called was fair skinned with round perfectly pink angel cheeks and big deep brow eyes. In that moment as her miniature hand reached for his chin and the dimples of a smile appeared on her face he thought she was one of the most gorgeous girls he had ever seen. Adam and baby Lucy were taken with one another almost immediately. From that second on a new place in both their hearts had become occupied by each other. Lucy's little fingers tickled over the scratchy stubble on Adams chin and she let out a gurgled hum of communication.
The young woman who had been watching this exchange smiled brightly as a fresh wave of emotions worked their way to her wet eyes.
"She likes you." The woman encouraged with a cracked voice.
The man's lips curved upward with a slight grin of pleasure but then his eyes, intense and questioning met her gaze so directly that the woman felt her skin begin to burn. She could see in the set of his strong jaw and the tightness of his shoulders, that this stranger wanted to know why she was upset. She turned away from him and down to the fussy baby in her arms; if she hadn't the man would have seen it all. It was impossible for her to hide any of her feelings when she was like this.
Mustering up what self control she could at least for little Benjamin's sake she swallowed hard and then began to hum. The humming soon gave way to low singing and she closed her eyes in an attempt to out run the embarrassing reality that a handsome man was staring at her.
He was indeed staring.
Adam couldn't help him self. This was his first chance to really take her in up close. Because she wasn't looking he allowed his gaze to travel the length of her. Her face was a rounded heart coming to a delicate point at her chin. With a straight nose and larger bottom lip she looked younger than she probably was. The skin on her neck was the color of cream, smooth and tender. As she swayed the baby in her arms he couldn't help but notice how her blouse had fallen off center revealing more of her chest then she probably would have liked for him to see. The sight was unavoidable. A gentleman would have averted his eyes. But Adam wasn't sure he was a gentleman, and he wondered fiercely what it would feel like to touch her.
He had spent so much time watching her sing but never hearing her. While her voice was soft and rich it was also slightly off key. She didn't have the most beautiful singing voice he'd ever heard but the level of sincerity with which she brought each verse out was enough to cause the sensation of comfort and warmth to radiate from his gut into his skin.
Benjie had ceased his frustration and was growing heavy and limp with each rock of her body. Maybe they were both calm enough now for her to try talking. She stopped singing and tentatively raised her eyes to the man sitting across from her.
Adam looked away from her quickly and down to a sleeping LuLu hoping the woman hadn't caught where his gaze had been trained.
"I'm Ev by the way."
"Ev?" he repeated in confusion.
"Well, Evelyn, but everyone calls me Ev, or Evie, because Evelyn is an old lady name."
He smiled at her now with genuine light, it met in his eyes and hung in the air.
"Evelyn. I don't think that's an old lady name. It's old world maybe. I'm Adam." His eyes were gone from hers now and Ev thought that she could see a red tint rush to his face as he said "I think we might be neighbors."
"Nice to meet you Adam." Both their heart beats picked up as his name traveled over her lips. "Yes, I think I've seen you in their mom and dad's building."
"You mean they aren't yours?" Adam asked stupidly, knowing full well that they were not.
"No, they aren't" she answered almost sadly. "I'm the nanny. Emily and David Littleton, they are your neighbors."
"I think I've talked to David a few times, but I don't think I've ever met, Emily was it?"
Evie licked her lips with agreement then quickly blurted out, " I've seen you, in the mornings sometimes, running."
He nodded his head in recognition and she noticed the way his eyes crinkled at the corners a little when he grinned.
"I like to go early, before most people are awake."
"Except me, I'm awake."
Awkward. Why was she being so awkward? He is so pretty she thought with giddiness. When he made no attempt at a response she cringed at her own remark. Her shoulders falling forward with embarrassment.
Adams eyes were like darts trained on Evie as if he could fire them at will and see straight into her. His curiosity was at a fevered pitch and he could no longer hold him self back, he had to know.
"Why were you crying?"
He knew he was being forward possibly even rude, but he didn't want to waste time with social or personal conventions. He had no idea who she really was, how much time he would get with her or if there would ever be another time. He watched, looking for any detail to put the pieces of her together into some sort of shape that made sense to him.
Her cheeks were hot with the color of exertion that baring emotions brings and she trained her eyes carefully on the small child asleep in Adams able bodied arms. When she didn't answer immediately he didn't push; at least with his voice. Again Evie was struck with the keen feeling that this person, this random guy she had seen but never met could be trusted. With one quick glance at his face she allowed the thoughts she'd been having to rush out of her mouth.
"I just love them," she gestured to her tinny charges. "and I started thinking about how I want to have a family, someday, but then I got really scared."
"Scared?" Adam repeated incredulously.
"I mean what if it never happens for me? What if I don't get to have them, what if this is all I get?"
Her eyes began to well up again even as massive confusion worked it's way through Adams mind.
"Get to have who?"
"Babies." Evie sniffed as a fresh feeling of dread and loss wove it's way through her chest.
Adam was not at all equipped to deal with this many and this level of emotions, and that was just what he was feeling. His brain was dizzy with panic and want, what could he say or do? It made him uncomfortable just to hear the word babies, and now he had allowed him self to be roped into holding one. There was a part of him that saw and envied what Drew had. He had a life, people that loved him, depended on him. Adam had thought at one time the last thing he ever wanted in the world were people he had to answer to. Before he could respond to her declaration she went on.
"See my mom died when I was twelve. She had ovarian cancer, and I worry so much some times,"
"That you will too." Adam finished with a heavy tone.
Evie nodded once and stared at him through red rimmed eyes.
They were hazel. He hadn't noticed until now, but they were clear and honest. She was completely open to him, she hid nothing and gave everything.
"I'm sorry about your mom." The force of his words didn't fully land on either of them until he found himself adding, "I grew up without my father."
Damn it. He didn't even know this woman. Why was he telling her this.
"Did he pass away?"
Evie watched Adams jaw tense and his eyes harden where just a moment before she had seen a heart broken boy. She knew the answer before he spoke it.
"No. Well, yes, he did eventually. But before that, we left him." His gaze traveled to a place behind her and she heard the anger in his sigh "I haven't seen him since I was seven."
The weight and tension in his neck twitched visibly as he felt a rush of embarrassment and fear prickle under his skin. Her eyes softened with understanding and choosing to reject her offering he looked away.
A new round of wetness came gliding down her cheek even as she chided her self for feeling the sting of his dismissal. She swiped quickly at her eyes before he could see and sniffed once in an attempt to gather her thoughts.
"Your young, I'm sure you will have plenty of time for;" Adam paused with discomfort "Babies."
"My mom died when she was thirty four. That gives me about ten years."
"But you aren't your mother, just because that was her story doesn't mean that it will be yours as well!" His voice shook and he swallowed down the lump of frustration building in his chest.
The potency of his defense was not lost on either of them and Evie suspected he had said it for his own benefit as much as hers.
Lucy stirred at his sudden out bust and he felt her tinny body wriggle in his arms. Panicked, his eyes flashed to Evie.
"It's okay," she whispered with the hint of a grin. "Just hold her close to your chest and rock a little. Like this." She demonstrated.
Adam studied her movements intently and repeated her exactly. Again he wondered what the hell he was doing here.
"Do you want to have kids Adam?"
Where in the hell did that come from, he wondered silently. She was getting more direct and personal with every moment that passed. Although he could appreciate her fourth coming he also found it unbecoming of her agreeably pretty face. Suddenly the urge was pooling in the back of his mouth. His need spiking and churning with every intake of breath.
"I don't know." He lied.
Evie could see the untruthfulness in his eyes, but she could also see the fear.
"Well, your doing a great job. Although," she tried not to let the laugh building in her stomach escape, "it does look like your extremely uncomfortable."
He glanced across at her with a frown.
"Have you ever a held a baby before?"
"No."
"Just loosen your shoulders a bit, relax. If your tense the baby will be tense."
"How did you get to be so good at it?" He asked with a slightly bruised ego.
"I'm not really sure actually."
"Just a natural then?"
There was a teasing in his voice and when she met his gaze again she smiled.
"I don't believe anyone is a natural at anything. Whatever is worth doing comes with practice and hard work."
"Alright then," Adam shrugged with an amused smirk. "You just practiced a lot?"
Benjie made a noise and then stretched his small body, slowly opening his eyes.
"Hi there, cutie pie." She cooed and brushed a gentle finger over the babies cheek.
Adam again found himself in the habit of watching, at least this time the sound was on. As the baby in Evelyn's arms continued to slowly come to life he smiled brightly with awe at the woman holding him. She shuffled him up right in her arms and Benjie burrowed his head into her chest. Lifting him up again she rubbed her nose delicately against his. A vague memory of his grandmother came to Adams mind, and he remembered being tucked in at night with an Eskimo kiss and an I love you a bushel and peck. Smiling at the brightness of the memory and the moment that was unfolding before him now he let out a low chuckle. Benjie was a rumble of a giggles which prompted Evie to begin laughing rather uncontrollably. The baby let his head fall onto Evie's sternum as if it were a game of peak a boo and Adams gaze was drawn to her breasts once again. A peel of desire tickled and coiled deep in his body and for a moment he was lost in a vision of his own head resting comfortably against her warmth able to hear and feel the hum and pitch of her heart beat.
Indifighnable resolution and determination mounted in Adams mind, he wanted it. All of it; her, the babies she wanted, answering to other people for the decisions and choices he made, if it could just be with her, he would be willing. The actuality of this new hunger burned and ached almost as bad as the pain of his addiction and he wondered if it would be worth it. Sacrificing himself wasn't something he had ever been attracted to. It was messy, and unpredictable and his instincts told him it would hurt.
Her eyes met his with shining clarity and he nervously fought the urge to look away fearing that she might guess everything about him.
Her cheeks burned bright and instead it was Evie that broke his blue laser beam focus. As naked as her gaze made him, she felt her hopes rise and then fall every time she looked at him. There was no way he was attracted to her, yet there was something she couldn't talk her self out of when she caught him staring at her. The expectation that he could feel as remotely drawn to her as she was to him seemed highly unlikely in her distorted interpretation.
She had always doubted her self. Wasn't that one of the things that had led her so astray in her youth? Wasn't that what had driven her to be so unkind and unforgiving to her body? Again she felt those same loathsome pangs of hate for her self and desire for control worm their way into her consciousness. She inhaled sharply and closed her eyes hoping to keep the selfishness at bay.
Adam had never met anyone who gave them selves away as freely as the woman in front of him, it was simultaneously intimidating and inspiring. In all the months of recovery he now saw before him what he had been working towards. Emotional freedom and hope. She was a living breathing goal for him to aspire to and set his mind on. His veins filled with fire and intention. He wanted her to be the one to help him, to teach him, to be his reward for being the person he knew he was becoming.
She stroked her fingers lovingly over Benjie's cheek and down the length of his small frame and he curled him self against her. Adam wanted to tell her she was beautiful, but it would have been inappropriate and inadequate.
"It's almost lunch time, and I think Benjie here is getting cold, I better get them back home."
Adams excitement dulled at her words and he realized that his time was almost up. He turned to the sweet face below wrapped in his arms. She was once again sleeping soundly and he marveled at the trust that new humans were forced to have and he thought maybe that's why they came out being cute, so that people would have no choice but to love and protect them.
He followed Evie's lead and gingerly rose to his feet.
"Do you mind walking us back?"
"Not at all." He said in quiet voice.
Benjamin was strapped into the stroller and Adam made a move to hand off Lucy when Evelyn tentatively asked if he would carry her back, worried she might wake up if they tried to put her in the stroller.
He nodded his agreement and the four of them set off on the path he had taken alone into the clearing.
Evie couldn't control her self any more and she reluctantly smiled as she watched the handsome well built man holding a baby walk next to her.
"What?" Adam asked hoping he didn't look as stupid as he felt.
"Nothing," Ev laughed with embarrassment. "Its just that, well, you and Lu, it makes for a sweet picture."
What Evie really could have said was that she felt like her ovaries could explode at any minute.
"Oh, yeah?" Adam smirked sideways at her. "I feel ridiculous."
"Oh no. Believe me, a baby looks good on you."
She stopped abruptly and grabbed her phone.
"See, I'll show you."
She quickly snapped a photo and then took a step towards him.
"See?"
She held the phone in between them.
This was the closest she had ever been to him.
He noticed then how easily Evie would fit next to him and how soft her hair looked.
"I'll send you the picture, what's your number?"
He couldn't stop the grin forming on his face. She was asking him for his phone number.
He rattled it off to her and within seconds the phone buzzed in his pocket.
"Do you still feel up set?" he asked concerned as they neared the building.
"Not nearly as much."
"Good." He said genuinely relieved.
They walked side by side in silence the rest of the way, both trying to desperately avoid the other one catching them stair, and when they reached the entrance to where she would leave him, he wracked his brain for some reason he could ask to see her again.
"Adam," she said his name gently "it was very nice to meet you, and thank you for your help."
She opened her arms for Adam to place Lucy into and he reluctantly complied immediately feeling the loss of warmth and comfort the baby had provided him.
"Ah, yeah," he cleared his throat "it was nice to meet you as well."
Awkwardly he handed her the baby their arms overlapping and getting tangled. In the process of trying to free his grip Adam felt his hand press into Evie's chest. In a split second several things seemed to happen at once. Her face colored and she jumped twitching with surprise,even as the heat of embarrassment and enjoyment flamed through his body. Realizing he was essentially still touching her breast he pulled his hand away quickly and stuttered an apology. She assured him it was okay with the hint of a laugh and he tried not to let the tingling sensation working up his arm go straight to other more sensitive parts of his body. Lucy let out a cry as soon as she realized she was not in Adams arms anymore and he frowned feeling responsible for her happiness.
"If you ever want company on a walk let me know."
"Yeah, maybe." Evie smiled.
They parted ways and Adam took the stairs to his apartment three at a time. He sweated out the urge to give in to his previous temptations, and instead took out his phone and opened the text message he had from a number he didn't know. He committed the image of him self and Lucy to memory as well as Evelyn's phone number. When he glanced out his living room window out of habit his gaze went directly to where it always did, but now he knew her name and the sound of her voice.
Please leave me some feedback. What do you think of the story/ characters so far? What do you think of Evie? Thanks for reading, would love to hear your thoughts.