You leave your father's house soon after your dinner and sit in your car with your head against the steering wheel. How could this happen? Why would this happen? Logically you know that nothing will happen. But you've spent enough time with Cronus over the years to take a few pages from his book, so to speak.
He'd say something like "a man can dream can't he" and throw in some crass line about your brother's posterior. And he might have implied something about being a proxy, though…
If anything were to happen… Who would be there to pick up the pieces? Would Karkat ever actually even talk to you again or would he just find more reasons to avoid you?
You don't want to be thinking about this but you can't stop. You need to talk to someone about thisseriously and like an adult. Cronus is good at consoling you, or at least humoring you. But you need someone who's going to give you advice, even if it isn't what you want to hear. You hope that she doesn't just think that you're a fool, even though you know that you are.
So as you drive down the road, you pull out your phone and call her to talk. Just for a little.
But you can't bring yourself to let the call go through. You don't want advice. You want Karkat. And even though you know that the chances of that ever happening are lower than the chance of being struck by lightning (twice… and then winning the lottery), you still want him.
As you pull into your driveway, the possibilities if how things are going to go fill your head, and this lets you know that you need to stop thinking for a little while. Or at least think about something else. With this in mind, you sit at you computer and blog until you go to bed, mind as clear as you could manage to get it.
The first day of your tutoring goes about as well as you expect. He refuses to listen and just calls you incredibly rude names, neither of which went against your expectations. But at some point you manage to see him smile and it fills you with more joy than entirely appropriate.
When you drive him home, he texts the whole time and it makes you feel a little deflated.
Every time he comes over in the next two weeks it goes in much the same way, though he rarely smiles again. But the third week is when things start to change. He's talking to you more in class. He's not calling you horrible names. It's almost as if something has put him into a cheerful mood and you can't help but to be a little jealous of what or who it is that has him so cheerful.
And with Friday upon you, the two of you head for your apartment. The Best of Queen plays in the background while the two of you sit in silence otherwise. You try to concentrate on the road, but find yourself glancing over at him as he smiles at his phone. You clear your throat pointedly and look back to traffic. "So, Karkat."
He looks up at you, eyebrows raised. "What?"
"You've been rather chipper lately. Has something good happened?"
He laughs nervously and ducks his head. It's just such an impossibly cute thing for him to do and you have to bite the inside of your lip to keep from thinking about it too hard. "Well yeah, actually." He looks up and his brow is furrowed with his frown back in place. "But it's none of your fucking business."
You roll your eyes. "Karkat I'm your older brother. You whole life is my business." You purse your lips a little, raising your eyebrows.
"Oh fuck you!" He gives your arm a shove and you know from the weakness of it that he's not looking for a fight for once.
You sigh and just give him a look when you pull into your parking spot. "You're dating someone again, aren't you?"
He just looks out the window and returns your sigh with one of his own. "Maybe."
You smile a little because it really is too much fun trying to pry who it is out of your brother. "Oh?" You turn off the car and the two of you head to your building. "And do I know this mystery significant other?"
"Yeah, asshole, you've met them before. For fuck's sake you teach freshman English too you probably know more people in the school than I do!" He sticks his tongue out at you and you just laugh under your breath.
"All right, then." You hum, thinking to yourself. "Have you dated them before?"
You can hear him making that sound like he's trying to cough up a hairball and you know that he must be rolling his eyes. "Yes we have, you insensitive, prying ass licker."
You grimace at him before taking out your keys to unlock your door. "So then it's… Terezi or Sollux, right?" You raise your eyebrows, waiting for him to respond.
"Yeah." He rubs the back of his neck. "Sollux this time." You can see the weak smile on his lips and you've seen it before. He always has this look when he's dating someone. And he and Sollux have been in a will-they-won't-they situation since they'd started high school.
You were proud of your brother for being so open about his own sexuality, but you couldn't for the life of you help being jealous. "Congratulations." You move into the apartment and strip out of your coat and shoes before going to your room and donning more casual wear. You come out and grab a beer out of your fridge. You feel like you really need one today and, as you sit down, Karkat just gives you a look. "What?"
"I didn't know you drink."
You return his look. "Karkat, I'm twenty-four. I may be relatively chaste in relationships, but that doesn't mean that beer is against any of my codes of living. However, I am aware that it is against other people's and that—"
"Dude shut the fuck up." He pushes you over as he sits next to you on the couch. With a glance to his phone he lets out another sigh but this one is followed by a grimace.
"Something wrong?"
"What? Oh, uh, Sollux just blew me off to hang out with Megido."
"Aradia?" You tilt your head, trying to stay in the loop of his friends.
"Yeah…" He pulls his biology textbook out of his bag and just stares at the cover
"You think that something…?"
"Of course I think that something is going on!" He turns to you, rage in his face and tears in his eyes. "Sollux is a fucking whore and I know it. Why the fuck would I take him back again after that shit that went down last time?"
You sigh and just watch him. You know better than trying to touch him when he's like this. "Karkat, he's probably just studying with her."
"Studying? Studying? No. He's probably fucking her right now. I knew that I should have said no. This is what he fucking does." He lets out an unintelligible shriek and just fists his hands in his hair. "It's like he has no fucking respect for other people. Aradia doesn't even know that we're back together, so she probably just thinks that he's being Mr. Sweet and Sensitive like he used to be when they were dating…" He looks at you, angry tears streaming down his face. "What is so fucking wrong with me that this happens?" He leans against you and you tense just a little before wrapping your arms around him.
"Karkat there's nothing wrong with you. What happened with Terezi was… That was between her and Gamzee. And this thing with Sollux? He's an ass, plain and simple."
He sniffs and sobs, trying not to cry but failing. "Yeah, but…"
"But nothing. You and I both know that you two make better friends than partners. How many times has he hurt you, really hurt you as a friend?"
He stops and thinks. "I dunno, maybe twice? But we were both being stupid then…"
"And as partners?"
He furrows his brow. "Lots."
"See? Some things just don't work out that way." You press a kiss to the top of his head. You may wanthim, but he's still your baby brother and you refuse to let him be hurt like this. "I think that some day he'll realize what he's done to you, but I doubt that his ways will ever really change…"
He looks up at you, a frown on his face. "Why?"
"Because he's even more stubborn than you is why." You smile and ruffle his hair, making him swat at you. "But I'm here for you, Karkat. I want you to know that."
He gives you a weak smile. "Thanks, Kankri. You're a dick sometimes but you're still a really good brother." He pauses. "When you want to be." He snorts and pushes you again.
You smile back at him with a roll of your eyes. "I'll take that as a compliment, Karkat." With a quick movement you ruffle his hair again but let your hand stay there, rubbing at his scalp.
His eyes search your face, apparently unsure as to why you're sitting so close or being so nice. But you've always been nice ot him haven't you? You've always sat this close. Your hand moves down, rubbing along his scalp and the skin of his neck softly before your thumb rubs at his jaw. He lets out a soft sigh, eyes closing for a moment before he cracks one open. "What are you doing?" His voice is uncharacteristically soft and it sends a shudder down your spine just to hear that tone from him.
"Just touching." You smile as he watches you. "That's okay?"
He swallows and you can feel it under your hand. "Uh, yeah. Yeah it is." His eyes dart over your face and you feel like, in this moment, you could take that leap. You could meet his lips with yours. You could abuse your brotherly trust for your selfish desires. But a pulling feeling in your gut is telling you not to. You assume that it's your conscience and it has never felt quite like this before. Karkat's eyes finally settle on yours, though you notice the crease in his thick brow. "What is it? You keep staring at me."
You swallow thickly and bite your lower lip. "It's nothing. Nothing at all." You move your hand and shift away from him, taking a long drink of your beer when you settle back. "Get your biology homework. We'll start with that." Your words turn terse and you have to remind yourself that this is not okay before you pick up your books to help Karkat and take yet another drink.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He gives you another push and you snap your head to look at him.
"Nothing. There's nothing wrong with me." You swallow again and look away, though you can feel the couch moving as he comes closer.
"Dude, no. I can fucking tell when there's something wrong with you." He rests his chin on your shoulder. Not this. Not now. No no no! "Now it's your turn to spill the fucking beans, bro." You glance at him and his face is inches from yours. This is not what you need. Not now.
You just shake your head. "I can't tell you."
"Go on, bro, I'm all ears. This is a once in a life time offer here. No judgment or anything." He gives you a thumbs up and you take a deep breath.
With a heavy sigh you put your hand on his face again. "You promise?" His gaze turns to your hand then back to you before he gives a barely noticeable nod. "Good." You rest your forehead against his, just holding his face in your hands. This is the time. You have to do this now or never. So you close your eyes and take yours chances.
In a swift motion you lean in and press your lips to his. It's warm and perfect and you can taste his scent on him. It's so much better than you ever could have imagined. But you know that he doesn't want this. You know that this isn't right. Nevertheless you tilt your head and move your lips just ever so slightly before pulling away. You stare at him with wide eyes and shake your head before leaning back. "I'm sorry." You whisper, pushing off the couch and running for your room.
You slam the door shut behind you and lock the door. You're a horrible older brother and you should never have done that. How could you have been so ignorant of everything? But you hear a knock on the door and Karkat's voice on the other side. "Kankri?"
You swallow, unsure as to whether you should respond. But all that you say is "I'm so sorry, Karkat."
You don't get a response. Not at first. But you can still hear him breathing and that gives you just the faintest bit of hope. His voice is soft, but you can hear it. You aren't even sure if you were supposed to. "It's okay, I guess." A beat passes. "I guess I didn't really mind."
And your heart skips a beat. Hope surges through you and you can feel yourself grinning. He didn't mind. He doesn't even hate you.
You still have a chance.
You still have your chance.