The following is a fan-based Christmas special. Red vs Blue and RWBY are official gifts from Rooster Teeth. Please show gratitude to the true givers.
"So, what are you guys doing for Christmas?" Ruby asked the space marines.
"Is that all you can think about when our sworn enemy is probably plotting with your creatures of Grimm?" asked Sarge.
"If we let the bad guys ruin our way of life, then they've already won," said Yang.
"I hope Santa knows about our address change," said Caboose. "Does he come to this planet?"
"He doesn't come to any planet," said Ruby. "Santa doesn't exist."
"What?" said Caboose. "How is that possible?"
"I gotta say, Ruby, I'm impressed," said Weiss. "I half expected you to still believe in Santa."
"I'm not that childish," said Ruby. "I've known for years that my dad was the one putting the presents under the tree in Santa's name."
"Blasphemy!" said Caboose. "How dare you use Santa's name in vain!"
"Shut up!" said Tucker.
"So how did you feel when your old man came clean?" asked Grif.
"Actually, I was mostly confused as to why any parent would deny responsibility for doing something nice for their kids," said Ruby.
"Oh, you're such a little angel!" said Yang, squeezing Ruby in one of her ridiculously strong hugs.
"I want a stronger diaphragm for Christmas!" wheezed Ruby.
"Speak for yourself," said Grif. "When my parents told me Santa wasn't real, I was devastated. Even now I'm afraid to ever have my own kids."
"What does that have to do with Santa?" asked Blake.
"Originally I thought that Santa would take care of presents for my kids just like he took care of me," answered Grif. "But now I know that I would need to do all that work myself!"
"Now that's what I call blasphemy!" said Sarge. "Care to smite Grif for me, little red angel?"
"He is pretty despicable, I admit," said Ruby. "But between the creatures of Grimm and your deranged A.I. running loose, it would help to maintain a positive attitude. What better time to do that than Christmas? ...And you can start by not strangling me to death, Yang!"
"Whatever," said Grif. "It's not like Christmas has come yet."
"I'm gonna try to ignore that," said Ruby.
"And I'm going to take a nap straight until Christmas morning," said Grif.
"Not on my watch!" said Sarge.
"Would you prefer that I wait to sleep until Christmas Eve, then wake up at noon on Christmas day?" asked Grif.
"We would prefer if you participated in the holiday spirit," said Donut. "But if you want to remove yourself from the equation, you might as well sleep until noon on Christmas day, because you'll probably receive as many presents as you give others."
Christmas morning...
"Ugh! What is that dreadful smell?" said Tucker when he woke up.
"That's my Christmas present to Grif," laughed Sarge. "It's called putting his hand in warm water while he's asleep."
"I don't remember warm water smelling like pee," said Caboose.
"Couldn't you have just drawn a mustache and glasses on his helmet?" asked Donut.
"Been there, done that," said Sarge.
"Why would anyone draw a cup on someone's face?" asked Caboose.
Teams RWBY and JNPR met most of the space troopers in one of the Beacon lounges, along with Sun and Neptune. Fortunately, Grif hadn't woken up yet.
Sun started off by handing a present to Blake. She unwrapped it, revealing it to be a book. Although this seemed trivial, Blake was very thrilled by which book Sun had given her.
"The Third Crusade!" she said in delight. "Sun, I don't know what to say. This book is virtually impossible to find! Even Tukson's Book Trade couldn't get a copy of..." Blake's face suddenly saddened. "Poor Tukson."
"Don't worry," said Sun. "We'll find his killer eventually."
"That problem can wait until another day," said Blake. "First, I have a gift for you too."
Blake handed Sun a small package, which he opened. It was a slip of paper with Blake's handwriting on it. Sun read it out loud.
"The bearer of this coupon is entitled to one relaxing evening out with Blake Belladonna with no involvement in enemy activity. If Blake fails to comply, this coupon may be renewed and doubled. If the enemy attacks unexpectedly, this coupon may be renewed but not doubled.
"Blake, this means a lot to me!" said Sun. "Thanks!"
It was Neptune's turn to hand a present to Weiss. Weiss opened it to find another coupon.
"The bearer of this coupon is entitled to one night on the dance floor with Neptune Vasilias, who will dance to the best of his ability in front of other dancers."
"That's...bold," said Jaune.
"Indeed it is," said Weiss. "You really don't have to push yourself too hard."
"I kind of do," said Neptune, "after my poor attitude at that last school dance."
"You don't need to punish yourself for that," said Weiss. "It's Christmas. You're forgiven."
"Is forgiveness my Christmas present?" asked Neptune. "I guess that means I don't need any packages from you."
"What? No!" said Weiss, handing Neptune a package. "Please, open it."
"Not until you use that coupon," said Neptune.
"Tell you what," said Weiss. "If you open that present, I promise to use your coupon within the following month."
"I'm guessing it's some kind of enrollment to a class for dance lessons?" said Neptune.
"Good guess," said Weiss. "And now the cat's out of the bag. Don't worry. Its teaching methods are very civilized and effective."
"I didn't know cats could be such great teachers," said Caboose. "But I don't think they would appreciate being kept in bags. What do you think, Blake?"
"How do know about my heritage?" asked Blake. "I don't remember taking off my bow in front of you."
"You don't look like an archer," said Caboose.
"She means the bow on her head, idiot." said Carolina.
"You mean the cat ears?" said Caboose.
"That's not cat ears," said Wash. "They're just a similar shape."
"Actually, I think I owe our guests an explanation," said Blake, removing her bow to reveal her faunus ears underneath.
"It's like a double bluff!" said Donut.
"I guess you could say that," said Blake.
"So Neptune, my present to you is still covered in wrapping paper," said Weiss.
"I'm still not going back on my word," said Neptune.
"Wow," said Jaune, "you're pretty cool even when you're uncool."
"I learned from the best," said Neptune.
"Stop lying through your teeth," said Jaune.
"No, really!" said Neptune. "You're cool especially when you're uncool."
"That's kind of my specialty," said Jaune, blushing.
"Nora Valkyrie!" said school bully Cardin Winchester, barging into the lounge angrily. Blake immediately darted behind the Christmas Tree so she could redo her bow without Cardin noticing.
"What did I do?" asked Nora.
"Apparently Cardin has a bone to pick with everyone on Team JNPR, except me so far," said Ren.
"Can't the violence wait until after New Year's?" suggested Ruby.
"No, it can't!" said Cardin. "I get that we don't like each other, but the least you could have given me for Christmas is nothing at all."
"That's exactly what I did give you," said Nora.
"Enough of your sick jokes!" said Cardin. "What do you call this?" he threw the contents of a present he had opened at her feet.
"It looks like a copy of your huntsman armor," said Nora. "Only...pink."
Simmons and Sarge looked at each other suspiciously.
"Oh, look, there's a note!" said Nora. "'I think this light red armor would go great with your dark red hair. F.D.' Since when did F.D. stand for Nora Valkyrie?"
"Maybe Cardin can't read," said Yang. "He should N.V. people who are more literate. Get it? Envy?"
"Meh, I guess it's better then your usual puns," said Ren.
"That's not saying much," said Nora.
"I know exactly what F.D. stands for," said Simmons. "By the way, where did Franklin Donut go all of a sudden?"
"I'm back!" said Donut. "Sorry for disappearing. I was polishing my armor. Oh, hey, handsome! I see you got my present."
Cardin clasped his hand to his mouth as his face turned green. "This has got to be a nightmare," he said. "Pyrrha, please hit me as many times as you like."
"As much as I despise you (and I don't use that word lightly)," said the invincible girl, "I think I'll side with Ruby on this one. The violence can wait until after New Years."
"I'm not buying that," said Cardin. "I smell an ulterior motive." He sniffed, then his nose suddenly wrinkled. "Okay, that was a figure of speech, but now I literally smell something very nasty."
"Guys, I've been asleep for days!" said Grif, who had just entered the lounge. "I would have woken up earlier this morning if you had just nudged me."
"Good grief, did you wet your bed?" said Cardin.
"No, he just dunked his hand in a bucket of warm pee," said Caboose.
"Don't ask," said Tucker.
"It actually didn't taste any different from ordinary warm water," said Caboose.
Cardin gagged, then ran out of the room. The sound of vomit was audible from behind the door.
"Hey, come back!" said Donut. "You forgot to take my present!"
"It's probably for the best," said Simmons. "Your present probably would have been covered by the contents of his breakfast mixed with stomach acid."
"Why would anyone mix their food with acid before eating it?" asked Caboose.
"Okay, now that everyone's here," said Tucker, "I have something for Yang." He handed her a present.
Yang unwrapped the package to find a book inside. "Pun and Games, Volume Seven! Thanks, Tucker. More like, Volume Heaven!"
"Booo!" said Nora.
"Hey, that pun wad officially on the cover of its own book!" said Yang. "Anyway, I have something for you, Tucker."
Tucker opened the present that Yang gave him. "O. M. God! It's my very own sniper rifle! I really can't thank you enough, Yang!"
"Here you go, Ricky!" said Ruby, handing Simmons a present. Grif snickered at the nickname Ruby had just given Simmons.
"Wow, a new strategy board game!" said Simmons. "Thanks, Ruby! I can't wait to learn how to play."
"You didn't just give up your favorite board game, did you?" asked Yang.
"Of course not," said Ruby. "It's a copy."
Simmons gave Ruby his present. It turned out to be another slip if paper, but this one wasn't a coupon. Ruby read it out loud.
"My present to you couldn't fit in a box, and certainly not under the Christmas Tree. Follow me to claim your gift."
"Great," said Grif. "More walking. Thanks a lot, Ricky."
"You are going to hit the showers," said Weiss.
"I'll get right on it," said Grif.
"She meant use the shower," said Simmons, "by washing yourself thoroughly with lots of soap and water."
"Oh, come on!" said Grif. "You really should have clarified that sooner."
"I'm looking forward to seeing your gift, Ricky," said Ruby. "But first, there are more presents under the tree for other people. I can wait."
"You can't, smelly yellow one," said Weiss.
"I'm orange!" said Grif.
"I wasn't talking about your armor color," said Weiss.
"Was that a racist joke?" asked Grif. "I'm not even Asian to begin with, but even if I were..."
"I was referring to something literally yellow, and literally smelly," said Weiss.
Ten minutes later, Simmons led Ruby to a room containing various large objects hidden under blankets. Ruby removed the blankets to reveal several exercising machines.
"Thanks, Ricky!" said Ruby cheerfully. "This'll be a great workout. Soon I should be able to breathe while my sister's around!"
"Why do all the diagrams have figures with their breasts highlighted?" asked Agent Washington.
"That's the diaphragm!" said Simmons. "I selected the machines that were specifically designed to increase muscular strength in the diaphragm. There's nothing erotic about that!"
"Like the foreigner?" said Ruby.
"That's exotic," said Weiss.
"Like the mutation?" said Ruby.
"That's erratic," said Yang.
Meanwhile, the undercover evil transfer students (who incidentally were responsible for Tukson's death) were having their own low profile Christmas celebration.
"Merry Christmas, Omega," said Cinder. "I have a special present just for you."
"You realize I can't open it without hands," said Mercury's scroll. "I hope it's a new body. But even then, it would be a catch 22 paradox."
"Maybe if you turned Wi-Fi back on, you could take a peak," said Mercury.
"Permission granted," said Cinder.
The screen on Mercury's scroll flickered as Omega disappeared from it. The large Christmas package started shaking like a hatching egg. A cobalt blue robot body dramatically burst out of the box.
"I'm back, *****es!" said Omega. "Oh, for crying out loud!"
"Yeah, about that," said Emerald. "Atlas military droids come with a standard profanity filter."
"That's a disturbing coincidence," said Omega. "I guess kiss-*** minds think alike. Oh well, at least I have a proper body. It's only fitting that I return the favor with the greatest gift I have to offer. It's called sparing the lives of three stooges in the same room as me!"
"Gee, thanks," said Mercury, rolling his eyes. "We'll be sure to treasure it."
"How much longer do you plan to be in the same room?" asked Emerald.
"That was rather rude," said Omega. "I'm hurt! Oh, who am I kidding? I have places to go and people to murder brutally! BWA HA HA HA HA!"
You're probably wondering why I posted this chapter early on December 21, 2014. It turns out that today is winter solstice. I wanted to time it for the moment of solstice (11:03 PM GMT), but I won't be available to use the internet at that time, even if I'm awake in my local time zone.
I am hoping to abide by the following schedule for future chapters (no promises, but I am feeling hopeful, ambitious and nerdy):
Chapter 5: PSA - Christmas
Chapter 6: Return to the plot - New Year's (I might actually be able to time it at midnight GMT)
Subsequent chapters - Wing it (unless I come up with a plan between today and New Year's)