Third Attempt: McDonald's Date

I don't own Tekken, and I don't own McDonald's either - or I'll be three hundred pounds heavier by now from eating too many free French fries. Mmm, French fries…

"I can't believe it." Asuka shook her head. The two of them were in Lili's front porch again, sipping tea Sebastian had prepared for them.

"Can't believe what?" Lili gingerly touched the left side of her head, which was wrapped in bandages. It still hurt, and a lot at that, even after three days had gone by. She had no one but Asuka to blame for this, but then again, they had not yet settled their score with that highly evasive and troublesome Xiaoyu, so Asuka had to wait... for now. Lili was actually beginning to regret making this temporary truce with Asuka. It proved to be nothing but an unnecessary waste of time and money so far.

Asuka grinned at seeing Lili wince at the pain of her aching head. "I can't believe we actually bribed ourselves out of there."

"Money can get you anything," replied Lili, picking up her teacup daintily and drinking from it. "You only realized that now?"

"That's not true," said Asuka, smirking. "If it is, why haven't you defeated me yet?"

Lili frowned at this direct attack. "You should be grateful I was kind enough to pay for you, or else you'd be rotting in jail hanging out with your idiot boyfriend Hwoarang."

"Excuse me?" said Asuka. "Hwoarang is SO not my type, for your information." She changed the subject. "Still... bribe legendary super cop Lei Wulong? I mean, Lei Wulong! Is that even possible?"

"We just did it," said Lili, suspicious at Asuka's sudden change of topic, but decided to let it pass; maybe she'll investigate the case at a later date. "Who could resist five hundred thousand dollars?"

Asuka shrugged. "You do have a point there. But even so... we frightened the poop out of all the people in the park, refused to be arrested, crashed into six cars, oversped... wow, this sure is corruption country. Small wonder why most people are forced to join politics."

"Yeah," agreed Lili, remembering how she got the bump on her head, "but we failed, all the same. We didn't humiliate Xiaoyu, we humiliated ourselves." She took another sip of tea, took the teapot, and poured herself her third serving. Asuka wondered if tea was like marijuana to Lili. "Well, it's your turn again to think of something." She looked up at her rival, who hadn't even touched her teacup yet. "You got any?"

Asuka beamed nastily. "I forced Jin to ask Xiaoyu out on a date."

Lili was surprised, to put it mildly. "That emotionless twerp?"

"Yup. You don't know how long I nagged him at it. I even cleaned his messy room for him. And don't even get me started on the toile-"

"So we're going to ruin what should be the time of Xiaoyu's life?" interrupted Lili. There was no need to listen to Asuka's rants. She didn't want to feel what she wasn't supposed to feel for her nemesis.

"That's right," said Asuka, still not bothering with her teacup. "It's going to be tomorrow, and I know exactly how their date will go - unlike a certain someone who just thinks she knows what will happen."

"Wow. The cold and indifferent Jin goes on a date with Xiaoyu," said Lili, ignoring Asuka's biting comment. "Speaking of cold, I wonder what happened to Dr. Boskonovitch's pink-haired girl invention thingie?"

"From now on," said the amusement park owner, shoving a wrench into the pink-haired girl's hands, "you're going to fix the rides with the rest of my men. Since you don't decide for yourself, and you don't have any relatives who can get you out of jail, I'll let you just work for me to compensate for the damages you did to my park."

"Thank you very much, Mister. I beg your pardon, but my name isn't 'you,' " said the girl politely - perhaps a little too politely. The owner was actually starting to freak out at her unusual behavior. "I am Alisa." She put down the wrench and shook the amusement park owner's hand - er, whole body. "It's a pleasure to meet you." She put the owner down, who held on to a railing to keep himself from stumbling. However, he did stumble, falling butt-first to the ground.

Alisa covered her open mouth with a gloved hand. "I am truly sorry, Mister. Let me help you up." She held out a hand, and as the owner grabbed it, he accidentally pushed a button at the back of her hand. A chainsaw popped out from her arms.

"Gaaah!"

"Who cares a damn about her?" said Asuka, waving a hand. "She won't be any harm. She's naïve and all that, and all she can do is pop her head off and put it back on. I'm sure she's already a big crowd-pleaser in that amusement park."

Shrugging, Lili noticed Asuka's untouched teacup. She picked it up and held it out to her. "You don't drink this stuff?"

Asuka was surprised at her lack of hostility. "It's probably got poison in it."

"It's from the same teapot I get my tea from," said Lili. "And don't offend my poor Sebastian. Here, try it." She splashed its hot contents to Asuka's still bandaged face.

Asuka stood up, enduring what felt like second-degree burns on her face, and snatched her cup from Lili, who was laughing out loud. She said, "Oops, my cup's empty. Let me fill it up again." She picked up the teapot, filled it up, and deliberately poured the still steaming liquid, both from the teacup and the teapot, on Lili's skirt. "Hey, Sebastian, your giant baby wet her pants laughing!"

"So, Jin, how do you like the mall?" said Xiaoyu, jumping around like a bunny rabbit as usual. Panda sighed. She may have gotten used to her hopping about, but keeping an eye on her while she's at it was always a headache.

Jin didn't answer. Instead, he looked around for suspicious people. He couldn't deny the possibility that Jinpachi could be that red-haired clown mascot of McDonald's...

Xiaoyu saw him eyeing the restaurant. "Oh, are you hungry?" she asked. "Well then, let's go!" She took Jin's hand and dragged him in the restaurant, where they were greeted by long lines. Xiaoyu pouted. "Looks like we're waiting for a while."

Jin observed his surroundings and recognized Bob and Raven, who were chowing down one quarter pounder after another as if in a race (Raven seemed to be winning, as the burgers seemed to literally disappear before Jin's very eyes); Marshall, who was trying to apply for the position of head cook with Paul (and was hiding a bottle of laxative behind his back); Feng Wei, who was staring at a French fry for ages as if expecting it to catch fire at his gaze; and King, who was awkwardly trying to say a coherent word to his date, Yoshimitsu (who was also trying, and ultimately failing, to say something coherent to him in return).

Finally, they were at the counter. The person in front of them was - Nina Williams, wearing the famous golden arches in her hair!

"Good afternoon, welcome to McDonald's!" she said in a fake cheery voice, which… admittedly wasn't working out. She tried to smile, and her eyes twitched. "May I take your order?"

Xiaoyu hopped towards her. "Sure! I'll have a -"

"Oh no, you don't!" shouted Anna Williams, who was also taking orders beside Nina. She faced Jin, ignoring her current customer Mokujin, who was making hand gestures to say that he was ordering a root beer float, not a shish kebab dipped in strawberry ice cream and topped with salad croutons. She spanked Nina aside. "May I take your order, sir?" she said to Jin in what she hoped was a seductive tone.

"I thought we agreed on this, Anna," growled Nina, a red hand mark forming on her cheek. "You mind your own line, I mind my own line. Strictly no flirting. You disgrace our employer." She punched Anna in the face. Anna fell down, but the shock was absorbed by her enormous bosom. She got up.

"Shut up!" said Anna, her busts bouncing in excitement. And the Williams sisters began another one of their epic slapping fights. People were crowding around and placing bets on who was going to win this time.

Meanwhile, Jin was getting impatient. After twenty long minutes waiting in the line, he wasn't about to waste another second in starvation now that they were at the counter. He banged his fist on the counter, giving it a huge crack that ran from end to end, and said in a deceptively calm tone, "Enough!"

Immediately the fighting stopped, and the crowd went back to their dining tables. Jin always had that mysterious authority over people.

Anna, after a few seconds, angrily raised her manicured middle finger at her sister, who lazily flicked it aside. Anna gasped in pain as she nursed her broken fingernail. Nina turned back to Xiaoyu and did her best million-dollar-smile stint again. "May I take your order?"

"You freak!" said Lili, looking at the TV screen which showed a live recording of Nina and Anna slapping each other to death even after Jin tried to stop them. It felt like they were watching one of those punk reality shows. "Of all people to hire, you went for Nina and Anna Williams? They're on good terms as a lobster and a -"

"Shut it, you blonde rhesus monkey," Asuka cut in, shoving a French fry in her mouth. "I wanted Nina and Anna. They'll devastate Xiaoyu and Jin's day for me. Besides, I'm not going to pay them."

"Y-you're not?" stuttered Lili. "You tricked them? You do realize how DANGEROUS these women are -"

"I'm not going to pay them," repeated Asuka. "YOU are."

"What?"

"Yeah, I promised you'd pay them a few million dollars each," said Asuka calmly, sitting back on her chair and ignoring Lili's aghast expression. "It was easy, really. First I got Nina, lured her in with the money, and had her brag to Anna that she was getting filthy stinking rich like you are. Of course, I only had to wait a few seconds before Anna pitched in as well."

"Why, you -" Lili stood up abruptly and pushed her chair away.

Suddenly, they heard shouts on the TV screen. As the two girls looked, it turned out that Hwoarang had somehow gotten out of jail and was now barging in with his 'girlfriend', Christie Monteiro (who looked like she was forced there and was dragged the whole time). Hwoarang bragged about his 'girlfriend' to Jin. Xiaoyu bit back that Jin was with her, and King roared out his frustration of not having a proper conversation with Yoshimitsu. Of course, everyone thought he roared "Fight!" or something, and Raven rang the bell to say that he'd finished all thirty quarter pounders before Bob, and everyone thought that that was the fight bell. Nina and Anna began throwing Coke and gravy at each other, Marshall was forcing Paul to drink the laxative, and Feng Wei succeeded to set the French fry on fire, and ended up setting his whole table aflame. Eddy Gordo entered the restaurant and demanded Christie back, and he and Hwoarang fought for a woman who had already fleed the place. Craig Marduk demanded a cheeseburger deluxe, but when he found that the waitresses were busy frying each other and were ignoring him, he complained of the lousy customer service and proceeded to turn the tables and chairs over in a rampage. Bryan Fury went in and erratically fired his machine gun at everyone else, laughing like crazy. Zafina entered the place, said something about two dark stars coming into contact in the restaurant, and fought everyone indiscriminately, thinking that all of them were a threat to the world's survival. Ganryu noticed the brawl from outside and joined in to ruin the restaurant's reputation and have everyone eat in his Chanko Paradise restaurant instead. Kuma joined the brawl to try and impress Panda. Miguel de Caballero Rojo came in with his pet bull and joined the free-for-all commotion just for the hell of it.

It became an all-out war for nothing but nothing within five seconds.

Jin looked around at the brouhaha around him. He had lost Xiaoyu and Panda somehow. He ducked in time to avoid an apple pie (CAUTION: HOT!) from colliding with his face. He tried to shout again for everybody's attention, but no one minded him. Jin was suddenly overcome with anger. He did not choose this to happen; he only wanted to find his family and kill them all off, and look what happens instead! His irritation and anger – and hunger – increased to inhuman amounts. The thing he most feared happened: he sprouted wings and horns, he was wearing chains, his hands turned into claws, and he was laughing maniacally - the Devil had taken over him!

In the mayhem around, still nobody took any notice of him. But Devil Jin ignored this. It was time to get revenge on the root cause of this pandemonium. He flew off.

"What now?" said Lili, panicking. "Where's Xiaoyu in all this chaos?"

"I can't find her!" said Asuka, eyes glued to the TV screen. "Did she escape with her panda?"

"There goes the target. Now how are we supposed to get out of this place if the third world war's happening downstairs, and there are no emergency exits around?"

"Dunno," said Asuka, realizing this just now. She tried to think quickly. "Maybe we could -"

The door burst open and a hideous monster with black wings and a disturbing face came in! "You dare mess with the Devil?" said the monster in a very creepy voice. "I'll teach you the meaning of fear!"

"Son of the Devil!" exclaimed Lili, backing into a corner. "Who the hell is he?"

"Devil Jin!" yelled Asuka, also inching away from the intruder. "Bull crap, of all people to barge in on us!"

"What?" Lili said. "You didn't tell me Jin had a Devil form!"

"You don't know?" said Asuka, silently praying for a miracle. "Weren't you able to fight him in the King of Iron Fist Tournament 5?"

"Dammit, don't remind me!" replied Lili. "He was in Stage 8, wasn't he? You beat me in Stage 7!"

Asuka was about to smile at this when Devil Jin said, "Fear the wrath of God!" and released a powerful Kamehameha at them, turning the table they were hiding behind into dust.

"Somebody saaaaave meeeee!"

"Oh, shut up."