Break Me, Shake Me
DaggersBloodPain
A/N This story keeps getting more and more attention as I update. This tells me I managed to hit a nerve with this story. If any of my readers feel comfortable enough to talk to me and would like to see something added to this story dealing with the disorder please contact me. I know my case was unusual so I am always open to suggestions from others dealing with it too.
KEY: Ok I mention some phobias in this story as well and I will tell you what they mean here. I Googled the spellings if they are wrong I'm sorry.
Claustrophobia:Fear of small or enclosed places
Agoraphobia:Fear of leaving a safe place
Acrophobia: Fear of heights
Achluophobia: Fear of darkness
Arachnophobia:Fear of arachnids, spiders
Chapter Four
To The Moon And Back
Severus had apparated them to the courtyard behind the Leaky Cauldron hoping to avoid the pub altogether, but when his charge collapsed to the ground he wasn't left with much of a choice. Picking up the slight child was simple, but he soon found himself in a very unusual position.
The boy had wrapped his legs around him, his arms were locked around Severus' neck, and the tiny face was buried into the curve of his neck. Severus had never held a child in such a way before and felt distinctly awkward.
Carrying his small burden into the pub he quietly asked Tom for a private room. Taking the still out of it boy up to the designated room was only difficult in the fact he had an image to uphold and anyone seeing him taking care of this child would damage that hard won reputation.
When they were safely inside the room he deposited the boy on the bed and began to cast a few diagnosis spells at the boy trying to pin point the problem, beyond what he already assumed was a panic attack.
His findings were far from ideal. While the boy was in no immediate danger, and a moderate strength calming potion would have him back to consciousness he was showing some disturbing symptoms. It looked to Severus like this was not the first panic attack Potter had sustained. His heart was strained and his lungs were not as strong as they should be, a side effect of the near constant state of hyperventilation. His nervous system was not in top shape as he was in fight or flight mode continuously. The boy also showed some signs of undernourishment and weaker bones, a sign of long term neglect.
In other words the boy's body was in bad shape. Severus had seen similar problems before, but since most of the school went to Pomfrey for things like this he only had his Slytherins as patients. He had seen the affects of abuse and while their was definitely neglect in Potter's past, he wasn't showing some crucial factors for abuse. Their was no half healed injuries or any severe old wounds. He was thin but not emaciated. His symptoms were more like that of someone who was literally scared to death.
He knew of a few things that might cause that, severe Achluophobia or Agoraphobia, than there was things like Claustrophobia and Acrophobia, but he didn't think those last two were likely. There was too many phobias out there but those were the four most common next to Arachnophobia.
Sighing he decided the only way he might get some answers to his questions was to wake up Potter. He knew the attack wasn't deadly so he didn't feel bad for taking the time to think but if he left it go too long and Pomfrey found out the medi-witch would have his head.
He always kept a wizarding first aid supply of potions with him, and a calming drought was always included. Therefore obtaining the potion was much easier than actually administering it. He remembered it was his touch that helped push him into his attack. He wasn't sure he wanted to be that close to the boy when he woke up.
He settled for propping the boy up in the bed carefully, and administering the potion by stroking the boy's throat to get him to swallow. As soon as he was sure the boy wouldn't choke he backed away from the bed and waited for the calming drought to work.
If Severus wasn't a Slytherin he would have missed when Harry woke up. The boy hadn't moved a muscle or changed his breathing. The only thing that gave him away was that he became too still. He held his body stiffly knowing he was in a unknown room.
"I know you are awake," Severus told the boy, he would not play the boy's game.
"Where am I?" Harry asked, not realizing the calming potion had stopped him from stammering. He did realize he should be scared out of his mind being alone in a room with a stranger, and actually speaking to the stranger at that, yet something was blocking the fear. It was an odd feeling to know the fear was there but for it not to affect him.
"We are at the Leaky Cauldron in London." Severus answered the question.
"Who are you?" Harry asked a question he doubted he would have been able to without the fear being blocked.
"I am a professor at Hogwarts," Severus answered.
"I'm sorry but what is Hogwarts? I have never heard of it." Harry asked timidly.
Severus couldn't understand how the boy could still be afraid even with a calming potion, he must be worse off than he thought. Wait a minute the boy didn't know about Hogwarts!
"Your relatives didn't see fit to inform you of the school you would be attending? I wouldn't put it past them, filthy muggles the lot, but they at least told you what you are didn't they?" Severus asked hoping he would be granted some leniency. He so did not want to be the one introducing Potter to the real world.
"Yeah they told me what I am every day they told me," Here Severus nearly sighed in relief, "I'm a Freak." And there went the relief.
"Potter you are not a freak, you are a wizard, just like your parents were." He told him trying to keep a hold on his temper.
"My parents were wizards? I'm a wizard? That just can't be true. If they were magical they wouldn't have gotten killed in that car crash." Harry said almost to himself, but Severus heard.
"Car crash? Is that what you think killed them!" He was now outraged.
"That is what Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon always said. You mean they weren't? How did they die than? Or are they still alive and just didn't want me?" Harry asked pitifully, curling up into himself, and holding back tears.
Severus felt something deep within him. A kind of ache he hadn't felt in a long time. Not since the night he had lost everything. He looked up and saw Lily's eyes again and he couldn't not comfort him.
"They would never have left you if they were alive, they are gone Harry. They were killed in a wizarding war. A Dark Lord was rising to power killing and destroying everything he touched. Your parents were part of a group fighting against him. When you were born they went into hiding to try and protect you. They chose the wrong person to guard them and they were found. You were in the attack too and came out with nothing but a scar. The Dark Lord disappeared that night. You are famous for stopping him, they call you the Boy-Who-Lived. Every child in our world grew up knowing your name." Severus explained honestly. He did his best not to be too harsh but the boy had to know. The sooner he dealt with the grief the sooner he could move on and live.
Harry bowed his head and stopped trying to block the tears coming out. Not just in grief but also in a rising wave of fear. The professor had just told him he was famous. He knew what that meant. Everyone staring at you like an animal in a zoo. They would ask questions and pester him, some of them might even want to touch him. Both the fear and the grief was enough for him to drop his shields.
Severus couldn't do much as the boy broke down. He was not good at comforting people. This particular child was an even more complicated issue. He remembered another time, looking into identical green eyes.
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The room was small but well furnished. Baby toys and clothes were neatly stacked and folded. Everything was in its place as the two people sat talking.
A woman with ruby red hair was sitting in a rocking chair holding her month old son in her arms. She was rocking gently as the boy was already asleep. She looked at him with all the love a mother could give and more. He was her angel, her everything, she couldn't imagine life without her baby.
The man sitting opposite to her was dark and brooding. He was awkward looking amongst all the soft pastels and childhood memories in the making. His discomfort was added to when the woman across from him stared straight at him with fiery emerald eyes.
She spoke, "Severus, you are my oldest and dearest friend. Without you I wouldn't have known magic until my letter came. You protected me in school, and don't try to deny it. I heard you tell off the other Slytherins in your own way. You were like the brother I never had. I need to ask you a favor, will you do it?" She quietly asked, she did not want to wake the sleeping infant.
"Lily, I would do anything you ask of me." He answered seriously, but ultimately unable to say the things he wanted to.
"Look after my son, Severus, I am afraid we won't make it through the war. James and I are too much of a temptation, but if Albus is right Harry will survive. He will need looking after. You are the only one I trust with this. The marauders are just not suited to the raising of children." She asked him, and he could see it was killing her to ask him, because to ask meant she was admitting she would most likely never see her baby grow up.
"What do I know of raising children Lily, why me?" He asked frightened at the very thought of the task.
"You would be able to raise him well. You have a softer side to you Severus Snape, and all your brush and bramble hiding it will just protect him all the more. To hurt him the world will have to get through you. You are the only one Severus, please do this for me." It was hard to see the proud woman nearly beg.
"I will do it Lily, I just hope you are right. I promise to look after your son and be there when he needs it." He gave in, he couldn't watch Lily beg anymore he would let her have her dignity.
"I know I am right." She said forcefully, still rocking the sleeping Harry.
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Now almost eleven years later, the baby in Lily's arms was sitting on the bed weeping and he remembered his promise.
"Lily I really hope you knew what you were doing," He whispered quietly.
He walked over to the bed and gently rubbed Harry's back and was surprised that though the boy flinched he accepted the touch after a moment.
"I will take care of you." He whispered to the boy.
"Why?" Harry choked out miserably.
"Because I promised," Severus admitted.
A/N I am leaving off there. I hope the transition was believable. I am going to use the promise he gave Lily as a way of giving Harry an anchor because trust me without one you do not last long.