Girl

Summary: Even with supportive families, society does not view girls who were designated male at birth very kindly. Miyu Shinohara was one of those girls who learned this the hard way. (A series of drabbles written for a tumblr roleplaying blog. AU ignoring Musume's canon. The drabbles on this blog are not necessarily written in order. Multiple trigger warnings related to transphobia, bullying, and suicide will be present.)

Author's note: This was actually a response to an ask meme I got a long time ago: I just never put it up here! The ask meme was for my muse to write a letter to "someone they hated" so I chose her former best friend, the one who outed her and began her bullying.

Unfortunatly, I don't have access to Strike Out (putting a line through words) here on good ol' fanfiction dot hell, so I've had to work around it. This roleplaying blog can be found at the tumblr url "rebuiltfromnothing" (previous kisaragisportsqueen, now kisaragisportsqueen-archive). I highly recommend trying to reading these on tumblr, as they were written on tumblr (as opposed to a word document) as that was it's original format!

TW for: suicide, bullying, transphobia.

Drabble #4: Dear Person I hate

Drabble Summary: After hearing some news, Miyu Shinohara decided to write a letter and make a visit.

To my former best friend

Miyu paused, scratching it down before continuing.

Dear Ren

My mom told me she was reading the local news and it said you died in a car accident. That you stole a car along with those other people I used to call my friends and crashed, and you were the only one who died.

It made me do a lot of thinking, so I'm writing this letter. Just for me. So I'm writing this letter and I have no idea how long it's gonna be, but I'm gonan write down everything I've ever wanted to say to you, in hope that somehow, you're looking up down at me and can read this. And I want to say this to you:

As awful as it sounds, I'm kind of happy.

Because you deserve it.

Miyu had to pause to wipe some tears out of her face, looking at the wet spots on the paper before continuing onwards.

She'd backed out of a lot of things, but this wasn't one.

Every day I think about what would have happened if you had never done any of the things you did to me. The way you completely betrayed me. You and everyone else. For even a moment, did you understand what you did? Did you ever think about it? Why I moved?

You ruined my life.

You and the rest of you people I called my friends. You ruined my life. I was bullied: and you people I knew since I was nine years old lead the charge. I wasn't safe. I couldn't go to clubs anymore. I was harassed.

Every day was miserable, and you in particular was the worst part of it. You made fun of me the worst, despite the fact we were best friends. The rest of the class just followed your actions.

I became depressed. I became suicidal. Every day was awful, and I thought i'd never be happy ever again. Because of you, I didn't want to be alive anymore. Church didn't help, talking with my parents didn't help.

Whenever I got into a car, I hoped there'd be an accident. Something that would kill me and only me, so that way my parents wouldn't have to live with their only child having killed themselves. A selfish way to die, but less than what I thought would be too unbearable for them. It didn't stop me from thinking about it.

I almost killed myself, once. I'm pretty sure I would have if my mom didn't come home early that day.

And it was all because of you.

That person I thought was my very best friend.

There's not a day I don't think about you. The good times, and the bad times. Of course it's almost always the bad times. But then those good times flash through my head, making me feel bad for hating you.

Because I do hate you, a lot.

I've never hated anything as much as I hated you. That's why I feel happy knowing you're dead, now. Now I know you can never hurt me again. That there was some kind of justice for what was done to me.

I feel worse for that person who's car you stole and fucked up that they gotta pay for than the fact you're never gonna be an adult. It was a nice car I heard, I'm sure they worked harder for it than you worked a day in your miserable life.

You hurt other people when we were friends, didn't you? My therapists said I had dependent personality disorder. So maybe I just blinded myself to how awful you were until it turned on me.

I'm sorry to those people, for turning a blind eye to you. Sincerely, honestly.

… But this is about you.

I feel awful at myself that I was so happy to hear you're dead. That's so fucked up. You shouldn't feel happy when someone else dies, right? But I do! So much! I hate you so much! And to know you can never hurt me again, God, it feels so good!

Am I going to hell for this? I feel like this is something someone would go to hell for. It makes me wonder if we'd be right next to each other on the torture racks.

… Despite how happy I felt, though, I don't really wish you were dead.

I kind of wish you lived a long life, regretting everything you've ever done, that burden weighing you down every day you draw breath from the world. Only finding relief on that last breath, mixed with worry you were truly redeemed.

I wish you could have lived to be a hundred with the burden of what you did to me dragging down your spirit every step of the way.

… What would Mochida-kun say if he read this letter? Seiko-chan? Nakashima? Suzumoto? I think they'd all be completely horrified.

Because I'm horrified, reading this as I go along. But at last, I'm honest.

So, I ask again: are you looking up at me? Down there? Do you understand why I feel this way?

God have mercy on you.

And God have mercy on this for having written this, because for the first time since I thought about killing myself, I feel afraid for my own soul.

But I'm at peace with it.

I hate you. I'm happy you're dead. But I wish you weren't. And not for your own sake.

You ruined my life, Ren.

I have no reason to feel bad for you.

But I really wish you had an opportunity to apologize to me, even though I'm sure you wouldn't have. Maybe despite it all, I would have forgiven you.

Once more, Miyu crossed out what she had written.

Goodbye.

- Shinohara Miyu

Miyu was quiet as she stood in front of the other teenager's grave.

"… Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…" She began, quietly, before taking a breath. "… This was the only way it could have ended, I guess."

With tears in her eyes, she held the letter to her lighter, letting the paper be consumed.

"Goodbye."

That was the last thing she ever said to her former best friend's memory, not even dropping the letter as it caught to her, letting it slightly burn her fingers, ignoring the minor pain.

And with that, for the first time in her life, Miyu felt all traces to her former life completely obliterated.