Note – I just discovered Forever In Blue, and I am very excited. It wont be coming out in Australia for a while, so when it does come out where you are, sorry if there are things I have gotten wrong. My bad :-) Oh, and btw, I own Alex and Camilla. We needed new meat. Also, listen up: I have decided to put quotes, from my life and very random. My friends who read this (hey jay) will laugh. You probably wont, but I will.

Roie: Eww! What do you type in on google for that?

Devi: Fruit Porn

Roie: Ohhh that makes tones of sense.

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The afternoon sunset streamed through the windows of Lena's bedroom, but she took no notice of it. She was shutting down, and she knew it too. After yesterday with Carmen, she had gone home feeling worse than before. Carmen had somehow made her feel even worse about herself, telling stories of Paul and his new girlfriend, as if in a way to make her jealous. She stared at her mirror, trying to ignore the coaxing rays of the sun, telling her to go outside. It was almost impossible to turn her eyes away from her image, and it would have taken more effort than she could muster to do so. Instead, she stared at her almost lifeless expression – her once full and red lips were chapped and frowning. Her hair – nothing like Bridget's but still very impressive – hung limply at her shoulders, dirty and unwashed. Her fingernails were bitten and chipped and her eyes – once bright, smiling, unforgettable eyes were red-rimmed and dull.

The mirror told no lies – she knew how she looked; but she knew barely the reason why. When had this happened? When had she become like this? It was an effort to place when all this had begun, and honestly, Lena didn't even want to think that far back. It could have started that first summer, it could have started when Effie needed a new dress and wanted to go to the place next to Yes!. It helped to blame it on her mother, which is what she had done for the past few months. Now, it was almost laughable - her mother? What had her mother done that mixed her up this badly – it was her own fault. Now, realizing this just seemed so much worse. It was her fault. She couldn't blame anyone. It was all her fault.

Yet, even though she told herself this, she knew that it wasn't really her fault. Or, she wanted to know that. She wanted to be told that; which is why she went to Carma's. She expected kind, caring Carmen to tell her that no, it wasn't her fault; it was no ones fault, it was just fate; something that happened. She would say; if it is anyone's fault, its Kostos. He broke her heart, left her untrusting, broken; hurt. But Carmen didn't say it. She didn't say anything that could be remotely synonymic to what Lena wanted her to say. She just talked about herself, talked about Win and all her fabulous friends; about how she was going at Williams and about Paul's girlfriend.

Lena's reverie was broken by her sister entering her bedroom. Effie was all dressed up, as if ready to go out. Lena looked at her watch. It was about eight, and the sun seemed to have completely set by now. Judging by the weather that day, she guessed that the night was warm and balmy. Effie, of course wanted to go out; being the social butterfly that she was. Things were certainly different between her and he sister but she could still read her mind. She wondered if Effie could read her mind. She wondered if Effie knew how much she needed someone to tell her that it wasn't Her fault, that she wasn't going crazy; that it was all Kostos. But Effie just breezed effortlessly through life, not wondering about other peoples troubles like the type of person she was. Effie talked first, after looking at Lena strangely for a second.

"Lenny?" She frowned tentatively. Lena's heart filled – finally someone cared! Effie knew what was wrong! Effie was going to tell her that it wasn't her fault! But all she said after Lena's eager acceptance was "Can you drive me to Alex's party? I am running late, and mom said you would take me."

Lena's heart sank. Effie just wanted her green Saab convertible to get to another social gathering. She sighed and grabbed her bag and keys, looking briefly in the mirror again. The simple cotton t-shirt she was wearing was hanging on her petite frame. Her khaki pants swished around her ankles. She looked awful, but she wasn't even going to get out of the car. Straight on to home – another night of television and drawing.

It was almost a sin to get into her perfect, sparkling car wearing such scummy clothes. Effie thought so too, and frowned at her before sliding into the passenger seat and adjusting her hair.

The car ride was not long, and Alex welcomed them personally at the door. He was an older brother of one of the girls in her social group, about Lena's age. Effie had a huge crush on him, with his startling Greek looks. He was like the female version of Lena, she claimed; yet Lena had never seen him. Her parents raved about him; saying he was a very sweet boy that drove Effie's friend Camilla everywhere, and they 'got along great.' To Effie, he was a prince. To Lena, he was just another intimidating man, just another Kostos. Another man that would break her heart. He smiled warmly at her, but she just said a hasty goodbye to Effie and walked quickly back to her car.

The car was an 'We-are-sorry-that-we-said-you-couldn't-go-to-RISD-and-here-is-a-car' present from her parents before she went away to school. Effie loved it; but it was a very impractical car for down to earth Lena. It was a car that Carmen would like, even though she had never even seen it. The car had arrived after two weeks of college, and she had never driven up to meet them – she had always lift schemed with Bee. Now Carmen was going to see her car, something that she was unsure about. Carmen still drove a beat up Ford, similar cars to Tibby and Lena. Bee had bought herself a good car with money from her grandfather; she needed it for all the drives to Eric's house.

Alex called out to her. His name lilted on his lips, echoing into the night. She resisted the urge to turn around and run back to him. He was just another Kostos. Just someone who would break her heart again. She continued walking, unlocking the door. He called her name again. She turned around and snapped harshly. "Yes? What do you want? I am in a hurry, if you couldn't tell."

His face broke into a smile. A lovely smile, except it was a heart breaking smile. Another Kostos. He spoke to her, in the same voice that called out her name. She gave him one soft, sad smile and unlocked the Saab. The drivers seat had never felt more uncomfortable, and she felt his eyes on her as she drove off. Chucking a u-turn, she caught a glimpse of his face, still watching her disappointedly. The thought that she had perhaps been wrong – not for the first time when coming to the topic of love – crossed her mind, and she concentrated harder on the road in front of her.

Back at home, he floated around in her mind. She was intrigued by him, and before long her fingers began itching for a pencil and a pad of paper. She barely remembered his face – she drew mostly lines on his face. Lines of frustration, lines of disappointment, lines of happiness. Then, she stopped; as if drawing any more would uncover anymore than she already had. This was bad enough – she felt like she was intruding on his life, reading his mind, even though all she had done was draw a simple picture of his face. She eventually retired to bed, her face smudged with pencil and her heart heavy.

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She didn't see him again until three days later. Tibby was due to come to Bethesda the next day; and she had not seen Carmen since that terrible episode. Instead, Lena had spent her days mooching around the house, getting in everyone's ways. She had not drawn since that horrible night, and almost feared what she would find if she looked at the sketch. Then, Camilla came over. Lena had no idea who it was, she thought it was someone for her parents. And so, she opened the door in her pajamas, her hair hanging all over the place. There, on her doorstep was a gum chewing Camilla and a smirking Alex. In fright, she stepped backwards, before regaining that not-quite-lost Lena composure. Gesturing inside, she stepped back as Camilla waltzed inside to gossip with Effie. Alex stayed on the doorstep. Looking at his face, the Lena composure went out the window. The old Lena would have gone straight upstairs to change, or not even step out onto the doorstep. The new, strange, different Lena just stepped outside and began walking, guessing that Alex would follow her. He did.

She felt very much like Bridget in a time like this; confident around a guy. The eventually stopped walking when they reached the park, and both sat on the swings. All that could be heard was the squeak of the swing chains and the clunk of Lena's bare feet hitting the sand on the ground.

The silence was almost unbearable, and for once, Lena opened her mouth to speak first. Alex beat her, though. "Lena, why are you hiding from me?"

She stopped swinging. Her feet hit the sand, harder this time. She thought for an acceptable answer. Why was she hiding? Was she really hiding? Was it Kostos? Was it her fault? But the Lena-ness came back. The embarrassment of being in her pajamas in public, and the fact that she didn't even know Alex came to her all at once, and she felt very vulnerable. So, being a good Lena; she got up, said nothing and walked home. Inside, she burst into tears. Again. Then she realized. It was time to write a letter. To Kostos.