Chapter 4

Ste's pov

Brendan's back tomorrow, thank fuck. I've been feeling like a needy baby, pining over him. I've tried to keep the contact minimum and myself busy, that way maybe I won't notice the niggling feeling in the back of my mind screaming that Brendan is coming back, that in under twenty four hours he'll be in touching distance again.

I feel guilty lying to him but technically I didn't, I do work for Tony in his restaurant but that's not the only thing I do. I'm selling drugs for Trevor still, doing any deal he wants and I know if I tell Brendan he'll kick off and right now the less drama the better. I know Brendan definitely isn't innocent, far from it but he has a heart. Trevor and his boss don't and if Brendan comes in between their business they wont like it. So I'll keep my mouth shut and be sneaky about it, just until I know what I should do.

The day goes by uneventful and it drags in of course, I've got multiple texts from Brendan, he's never been one for texting but now and then he'll just send random things out of the blue, I think he does it secretly to start a conversation with me but I'd never say to him that I knew that. Scared that if I point it out he'll stop it.

Work is slow and boring with minimal amount of things to be done, I'm nearly bouncing out the door with excitement when we finally close. Thankfully our late night is now out the way and normally I can sleep straight away but not tonight, it's a restless night and when the sun starts peaking through the blinds I make a grab for my phone sending Brendan a text, to let him know I'm up and he's to phone when he's landed and I'll pick him up. It feels strange back when we first met, he had a job and I didn't, now it's the other way about. He could drive, I couldn't, now I guess we can both drive unless you lose your license in jail aswell. I was a criminal, I guess you could say, a waste of space, now it would seem that he was they things.

Although I don't see him as a waste of space, I'm not daft I know how other people see it. I also know that it's going to be hard having this relationship of sorts in this village, were not even back together yet and because we've been seen together automatically everyone asumes were back on. I shower and make myself a fry up, Brendan texts me just after eleven telling me he's landed and is just to collect his luggage and then that's him.

I grab my keys, locking my door behind me, and heading for my car. Before driving to the airport, he's waiting outside when I get there, scrolling through his phone. He doesn't even know what kind of car I've got so when I beep the horn, he jumps and looks around but still doesn't notice, is probably waiting for me to pull up in some banger instead of a range rover, one plus of dealing for Trevor and Fraser is Fraser pays for my car.

I roll the window down before shouting his name, he frowns when he see's me but heads toward the car looking awkward when he gets to the door, he shoves his case in the backseat.

"Alright?" I say grinning, he smacks his lips against mine as soon as I finish the word. Its a soft chaste kiss, he pulls away and he doesn't look happy, he looks as if he's scared of what's to come and that's when I realise there's no more running between us two. This is it, we're both going to need to sit down and talk this out, I should be happy about it but I'm not. Normally giving into your feelings is easier but not with me and Brendan, it would be easier if we both went our separate ways, it would hurt but it would probably hurt less than both of us staying together.

I remember Amy telling me that this wasn't love, at the time I thought she was right but now I realise she wasn't. Love is always made out to be a happy thing, but it isn't, it's an ugly, terrifying thing. Sometimes it takes over you and you can't help what happens, for years when I was younger I wanted people to love me, I wanted to love someone and for them to love me back but now I know it was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

It changed who I was forever, in good and bad ways, the fact is I'm not in control of myself now, I've got a permanent Brendan shaped scar. Looking at him now though I know I'd never wish I hadn't met him, maybe I would wish for better timing, if we had met at the right time both of our life's could have worked out differently.

He gives me a small lopsided smile, "Well Anthony is certainly paying ye well ain't he?" he asks me, there's suspicion there.

"Yeah." I say dryly looking back outside the window.

"We need to talk Steven." he grunts "Properly."

"Yeah I know." I mutter while pulling out of the airport and turning the radio on. "How was Ireland."

"Okay." he says tightly, "I couldn't settle, just wanted to be back here.. With ye"

"Yeah?" I ask sounding unsure.

"Course." he says as if it's obvious, "I'm goin to make up for lost time with ye Steven, I promise ye it won't be like before, I'll be the person ye need."

The guilts building up in me, I know he's being serious, and I wish I could look at him now to let him know that I believe him but I'm scared that if I do he'll see right through me, "Yeah I know." I say not taking my eyes away from the road.

He lets out a deep breath, "Just tell me what I need to do!" he groans sounding frustrated, "I'll do whatever it takes to prove to ye, I'm serious this time, I won't let anything fuck this up again."

"Can we just wait until later to talk?" I sigh, still not looking away from the road. He grunts back and the rest of the drive back is in silence apart from the quiet music playing.

I park outside the house, when I first moved here it was a dump but slowly I managed to get it looking better. "A bit different from your last flat." Brendan says dryly.

"You mean the flat I had three years ago?" I ask, can't help the snideness coming through my voice, "I moved about a bit, even ended up in your old place."

"Really?" he asks.

"Yeah, me dad moved in there." I tell him while turning the engine off.

"Your dad?" he asks unsure while we get out the car.

"Yeah, I know who he is now." the voice in my head is saying 'you'd know if you were here' but I hold back.

"Well that's.. Something." he says puffing out a breath.

Were at the front door and now I'm starting to feel nervous, I'm going to be in the same room as Brendan. "Just leave your case wherever." I say putting the keys onto the table.

"Want to help me unpack?" he asks, "If that's okay?"

"Yeah course" I say, I'm unsure whether to give him the spare room or to take him into my room. I go for my room, if he doesn't want to share with me then he'll say.

"Here." I say passing him some hangers to put his clothes on and I start making space in my wardrobe for his clothes which isn't too hard since I've not got many clothes hanging up. Just my black suit that I wear on special occasions and a few pairs of jeans and jackets.

When he's finished hanging his clothes up I can't help but feel like this is permanent.

"I don't have that much clothes yet." he tells me when he sees me looking. I don't tell him that's not what I was thinking. I feel the urge to pull him against me but I ignore it and instead go into the kitchen to make some tea. Brendan follows me, looking around the house as if he's inspecting it.

"How many rooms do ye have?" he asks.

I hear myself gulp, this is when he's going to say about having his own room, "Four." I tell him,

"It's.. Nice" he says nodding his head.

"Yeah? Ya don't seem sure." I say, can't help smirking at him.

"It's just different. Didn't imagine this would be your type of thing." he says putting his hand against the beige walls.

"What did ya think it would look like the old flat?" I ask him, I don't get a reply but then I feel his hand at the bottom of my back.

"Stop doing this." he says,

"Doing what?" I ask playing dumb, I know what he's talking about.

"Pushing me away.. The last time I saw ye everything was fine." he pauses to take a breath, "Or as fine as this can be, and now your acting off with me. If ye think this is too fast then just say." he asks and I stay silent, I can feel him tense, "Ye didn't need to ask me to stay, what did ye feel obliged?"

I turn around and look at him, he's right up close and I can see the rage bubbling under the surface ready to explode but right now I feel just as annoyed, not for the way he's acting the now but for the past three years, everything's coming back now, the anger, the sorrow, the frustration.

"If ye want me to leave then just tell me and I will." he says to me, I don't know how he managed to jump to this conclusion so quickly. I go to answer him, he lets out a groan and goes to move away but my hands tighten on his jacket. Weird I didn't even remember my hands moving, I pull him towards me and I don't know why the only thing I want to do now is hold him, I don't want to feel like arguing.

I'm holding onto his jacket like my life depends on it, "Don't go." I manage to croak out, he looks at me with disbelief and I can see the inner conflict in his eyes, "I'm sorry, I just can't help it." I say, I don't know if he understands that after him shutting me out it's hard to just let him back into my life, it's as if he expects with the click of his fingers that everything will be back to normal.

He wraps me in his arms and just holds onto me, neither of us speak and I don't even know how long we stand there for but when I pull away I can feel the tears on my face, he gives me a soft smile before planting a kiss at my temple.

"We should talk." I state to him, we've both put this off for long enough it's about time it happens. He nods at me and we walk over to the couch, not sitting as close as I hoped we would be but distance is good or else we might not finish the conversation.

"What do ya want to happen?" I ask him.

"I want to be with ye." he says after a moment, "I don't care what comes along with it, that's what I want."

"I'm not like I used to be." I say back quietly.

He runs his fingers through his hair, "And I can live with that, whatever you've got going on, I don't care, I'll be there by your side. You've always done it for me, took everything I threw at ye, who would I be if I couldn't take anything ye could throw at me?" he looks like he's determined with this one, he's saying this now but later on he could change his mind. That's the thing that he's always done, agreed to something at the time and I do generally believe its what he wants but a few days, weeks or even months down the line he could change his mind.

"That's what you say.." I mutter.

"But my actions don't always tell ye that, right?" he snaps at me.

"Well yeah." I sigh,

"If ye don't want us then why invite me to stay in your house? Why let me come back to England for you?" he asks emphasising the 'you' at the end.

"I don't know what I want." I sigh leaning my head against the back of the couch. "Ya didn't need to come back."

"Ye didn't want me to then? I thought.." he stops mid sentence, I lean my head back up to look at him and he looks, the only word I can think of to describe it and I can't believe I even think this, he looks crushed.

"I did want ya to come back but I didn't want to hold ya back or anything, ya could've left and started a new life." I say not taking my eyes off him, he doesn't look at me, not even a glance.

"Ye don't hold me back!" he shouts, eyes snapping to meet mine, "I want to start a new life, but I want ye in it. I want to be with you."

"And I want to be with you." I say without even thinking, yeah I do want to be with him but it really isn't that simple.

"Then that's it sorted." he says quickly.

"Its not that easy, you know that." I tell him.

"You love me and I love you, yeah?" he says, repeating the words I used a few days before he went to jail. "You want to be with me and I want to be with you, there isn't anything to stop us from being together."

His honesty startles me, he's never this straight forward, is almost desperate. I know it's not that simple and I think he does aswell but it looks like we're both willing to ignore that for the time being.