Note: This chapter contains themes of homophobia, transphobia and just all around general douche-ness.
"You're going to be eighteen tomorrow, Gilbert. Aren't you excited?" Matthew asked. Gilbert shrugged, stuffing the rest of his books into his bag haphazardly. He didn't say anything. Matthew bit his lip, hands twisting in the pockets of his sweatshirt. Gilbert had been despondent all day, so completely unlike himself. Matthew couldn't help but worry.
Gilbert shut the locker, hard. The noise echoed down the long empty school hallway. He turned and hugged Matthew, surprising the blond who took a moment to hug back. Gilbert squeezed and then let go and readjusted his back pack. "Bye, Mattie." He started to walk away.
"Bye, Gilbert" Matthew replied, waving at his friend's retreating back, "See you tomorrow. Right?" Gilbert waved back over his shoulder, turning his head just enough for Matthew to see his smile.
"Yeah"
"Hey Ludwig! Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Of course, Alfred. What is it that you need?" Ludwig shoved his hands in his pockets, trying to warm his fingers, as he waited for the older boy to reach him.
"I wanted to talk to you about Gilbert." Ludwig rolled his eyes at Alfred with a dismissive scoff.
"Please. Not you too, Alfred." Alfred's brows drew together, and his lips pulled into a thin line.
"What is that supposed to mean?" The tone of his voice surprised Ludwig. Why was he upset? "Nevermind. I just wanted to tell you that if you don't stop being such an idiot, you're gonna lose your brother forever."
"What?" It felt as though this conversation had taken a wrong turn into a language Ludwig had only a tenuous grasp on. What was Alfred talking about?
"You need stop being an asshole to Gilbert." It was deadpan, and said with a glare. Ludwig balked, mouth hung open like it had come unhinged.
"Excuse me? Maria-"
"No. There is no Maria. It's Gilbert. Maria is gone and you need to understand that because if you don't then you're going to lose Gilbert too." The underlying hint of desperation in Alfred's voice added a whole new layer of confusion to the conversation and that confusion was slowly starting to bubble into irritation.
"Why do you even care? Last year you wouldn't have said any of this. You would have been one of the people- one of the people harassing Maria. You-"
"I know!"
A deep breath.
"...I know. I was an idiot. I was a fucking idiot and it cost me, okay. I just- I just don't want you to make the same mistakes because it sucks. I'm going to regret all of that for the rest of my life. All I want is to fix it, to undo everything I did and said and thought and I can't!"
Alfred wipes at his eyes roughly, knocking his glasses askew. Ludwig's hand fidget inside his pocket. He remembers clearly what Alfred had been like last year. He had been a bully. He was the reason a student had left the school. Everyone knew his opinions because he spewed them every chance he got. He was especially vicious towards any one perceived to be gay by him and his friends. The only one of Alfred's little group who had never taken part in any of the bullying or beatings had been his best friend and cousin, Matthew. Alfred would even lash out at any of his other friends if they so much as questioned Matthew's heterosexuality, saying there was no way Matthew could ever be a 'homo'.
Then, it had all stopped two months from the end of the school year. Matthew stopped showing up, and then so did Alfred. They both reappeared long enough to take their respective finals, quiet and subdued, which was not so unusual for Matthew but highly concerning coming from Alfred, and then disappeared again. No one heard from either of them over the summer, which Ludwig knew because Maria had been freaking out over the lack of contact from Matthew. When the new school year had started and they both showed back up for school, they were different. Alfred no longer wanted anything to do with the people who had once been his friends, instead hovering close to his cousin any chance he got, while Matthew seemed dead set on avoiding Alfred wherever possible.
Of course, there were more than a dozen rumors floating around the school as to what had happened, but Ludwig had never been interested in knowing. Now though, he thought he might know what had happened.
"What does any of that have to do with me Alfred?"
The blond in question stared for a second before letting out a frustrated noise. "It has to do with you because you're doing the same damn thing. Except even worse because you know exactly what you're doing!" He stepped in close to Ludwig, shoving his finger into the younger boy's chest with a sharp jab. "Y'know one of these days you're going to wake up and realize that you were wrong but it's going to be too late. You'll have already lost your brother. So you need to decide Ludwig, what's more important to you, what someone else has told you to think, or the sibling that you grew up with who would probably do anything for you?
"Take it from someone with personal experience, if you ruin your relationship with your brother because you're being a bigot, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. There's a limit to how much 'I'm sorry' can fix."
After Alfred had stomped away, Ludwig was left outside with the biting wind and his own whirling thoughts.
It had been a tiring day at school. Gilbert hadn't said anything to either his brother or his father at all, and Ludwig had only given his father an obligatory reply to his greeting upon arriving home. He heard Gilbert's door slam from the kitchen as he poured himself a glass of water. He downed the water quickly, leaving his cup in the sink. He bounded up the stairs, avoiding his father in the living room. On the second floor he paused in front of Maria's door.
Ludwig pressed his forehead to the door, and listened. He could hear his sister on the other side crying. Deep retching sobs not anything like normal crying. He knocked once, sharp and loud, listened to the sobs come to a hitching stop, and pushed open the door. He shut it quickly and quietly behind himself, not saying anything as he sat next to his sister on the bed. Not close enough to touch but no so far that he thought the distance was obvious. Maria stared at him but he didn't meet her eyes, staring instead at his fidgeting hands.
"Why do you do it?" It was quiet. He knew she had heard. She wiped roughly at her eyes.
"Do what?"
"Pretend to be something you're not?"
Her scoff was mean, cutting. "I've never had a choice."
It wasn't what he had expected, and frankly, the answer surprised him. He had expected anger, maybe Maria yelling at him to leave, but not this cold stare, not this almost defeated tone. When Ludwig said nothing, she spoke again.
"One week ago I looked in the mirror and for the first time, I saw myself. You have no idea how that made me feel. You've felt right your whole life and now, now I get to feel a fraction of what you take for granted and you want to hate me for it. I know you don't get it Ludwig. You have it so fucking easy."
He didn't know what to say to that. So he stared at his hands, floundering for something to respond with. It was like grasping at straws. "I-" She looked at him, and he saw something like hope start cross her face. Suddenly he was terrified of saying the wrong thing, Alfred's words echoing around his brain, again and again. A warning of things to come if he screwed this up. He could see how fragile his sister's hope was, how close she was to shutting down, to shutting him out, forever. "Maria, I'm-" The tenuous hope shattered, replaced with anger. Maria stood, her anger almost palpable.
"Out." She forced the word through gritted teeth, like she had to forcefully stop herself from saying anything else. Ludwig stood, and left, tail between his legs. Outside the room he turned to look back at his sister, only to have the door slammed in his face. He heard the lock click into place, the springs of the mattress squeak and then his sister screaming into her pillow.
He sighed, and headed for his own room, deciding there was something he needed to do.
"Goodbye, Father." Ludwig said as he shut the car door. His father nodded, and left. Ludwig stood in the school parking lot and watched until his father's car had disappeared. Then he turned and scanned the rest of the parking lot. Looking for - ah, there! He hurried over to the familiar car quickly.
"Hey Ludwig!" Feliciano yelled, hanging out of the window of his car. Ludwig returned with a polite smile as he walked to passenger side and got in.
"Hello Feliciano. Thank you again for agreeing to drive me."
"No problem! But, where are we going again?"
"I'm afraid it's a bit of a drive. I couldn't find anywhere in town that sold what I needed." Ludwig told Feliciano where to go. He put the car into gear and pulled out of the parking lot, leaving the school behind.
Ludwig was a little nervous about ditching school, but this would be worth it.
"So, what are you buying?" Feliciano asked, side-eyeing Ludwig.
Ludwig shrugged. "It's uh- It's a present."
It was silent in the car for a few, and then "Is it for Gilbert?"
Ludwig's heart jumped, and he wasn't quiet sure why. He saw Feliciano, eyes still focused on the road ahead of him, smile. And that helped. He nodded. "Yes. It's for Gilbert."
Ludwig had made it back home before Gilbert, and managed to avoid his father on his way upstairs. He quietly eased open the door to his brother's room, bag clutched tightly in his hands. It was quiet. He flipped on the lights to reveal the mess that was Gilbert's room. Though, it somehow seemed... emptier. He took a careful seat on the edge of the bed and settled in to wait.
As the minutes ticked by, his mind began to wander.
He hoped that he hadn't made another mistake.
That it wasn't too late to fix this.
The minutes ticked by and the light coming through the single window gradually dimmed.
Ludwig didn't notice, too wrapped up in his own thoughts. He stared absently at Gilbert's text books, stacked haphazardly on his desk. In the absolute quiet of the house he could hear his father's door closing downstairs as the man headed to bed.
He could hear the occasional sound of a car passing by on the street below.
He could hear the crickets hidden away on the front lawn, and he decided it was far too quiet.
His shoulders began to slump as the hour grew later and later, but he didn't notice, too busy wondering.
His eyes began to ache from staring so long, and he closed them, just to rest. Just to rest, he promised himself, so he would be fine when Gilbert finally came home.
He was asleep seconds later, slouched against the headboard of Gilbert's bed, bag in hand.
Gilbert never came home.
It's still August, so I haven't broken my promise to myself to post at least one chapter a month. So, expect a chapter every month from now on. I'm going to try for more but that's my bare minimum.