*bows* Welcome, readers. If you have read this far I can assume you are also insane. Thank you for following, favoriting, and reviewing! Join me as we stare at tiny little hairy things and wonder with Glorfindel why in the world Gollum didn't take him to Lothlorien!

"This doesn't look like Lothlórien," Glorfindel said to Gollum, looking up at the huge mountain before him. Tiny little hairy things were bustling in and out of a gate that was almost as big as Glorfindel.

"Of coursssseee not, preciousssss," Gollum hissed in an evil gravelly voice. "I would never help elvessseessssss. Try and live!" He cackled gaspily, then bounded over to a rock and ran around it, vanishing.

Glorfindel watched him leave sadly. "Oh well," he said, then turned toward the mountain. "Hello, little dragon hairballs!" he called, marching toward the mountain.

A few hairballs seemed to have beady eyes, out of which they gave him suspicious looks, as that was what their eyes were used for.

"Who are you?" said a dark hairball, strutting over to him with hairy hands on hairy hips.

"I am Glorfindel the Sadness-Slayer!" Glorfindel said happily, then picked up the dark hairball and hugged him.

"AHHH!" screamed the dark hairball in a deep voice that made him sound like he wasn't screaming, but rather bellowing. He had a pretty loud voice for something so small.

Glorfindel set him down and looked around, seeing the hundreds of little hairballs that were now rushing toward him with toothpicks drawn. "Looks like I have some work to do," he said, seeing the angry faces that were hidden underneath the hairy faces.

"I AM THORIN OAKENSHIELD, HOW DARE YOU HUG ME!" roared the dark hairball, and Glorfindel hugged him again, which didn't seem to make him any happier, then turned up and hugged the next closest hairball.

"Hey," said the brown hairball he was hugging in a squeaky little voice, "do you know a pretty elf with red hair?" Strangely, this one didn't have any hair on his face.

"The only pretty elf I knew with red hair is in Valinor," said Glorfindel, "and is probably bothering poor Námo every day because she wants her husband and sons to be released from his Halls."

"T**riel is married?!" squeaked the little brown hairball with a horrified look on his hairless face. "Gah!" (This name has been censored due to its unrealistic owner, sorry).

"Put my brother down," another hairball with dirty blonde hair demanded, holding a bundle of toothpicks in his hands and looking like he was about to throw them.

"Nephews!" yelled the hairball that called himself 'Thorin Oakenshield', and grabbed the dirty blond hairball and dragged him away. "Leave the golden elf to his doom!"

Suddenly all the hairballs that had been charging at him screamed in terror and threw their sharp toothpicks all over the place, running back toward their huge mountain and vanishing into the door that was almost as big as Glorfindel.

"What?" said Glorfindel, and put the little brown hairball down, who immediately ran after the other screaming hairballs. Just a moment later, their came a massive roar which shook the ground, and a winged shadow covered Glorfindel.

"Oh!" Glorfindel turned around to see a huge red dragon with glittering scales standing right behind him, towering over him. "Hello, Smug," he said with a happy smile.

"IT'S SMAUG," rumbled the dragon. "AND GET OUT OF MY WAY; I'M GOING TO KILL THOSE DWARVES AND STEAL ALL THEIR GOLD."

"Those are dwarves?" Glorfindel said with a confused look on his face. "I thought they were your furballs that you coughed up."

"NO, STUPID," growled the dragon. "MY FURBALLS ARE BIGGER." He coughed, and a massive furball came out of his mouth, proving his point. It landed right beside Glorfindel, splatting mud all over the place. Not one speck of dirt landed on Glorfindel, however, because he was perfect and never got dirty.

"Well, aren't you a grumpy little dragon," said Glorfindel, and launched himself at Smaug. Smaug screamed in terror as Glorfindel clambered up his scaly legs, then latched himself onto his neck and gave him a massive hug.

Smaug just stayed there for a very long moment, then his eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed. He had never ever been hugged before ever, so when Glorfindel hugged him, he had a heart attack and died. Glorfindel vanished underneath his huge body, then scurried out from underneath and turned to face the body of the dragon, grinning.

"My hugs are amazing!" Glorfindel said, proud of himself, then turned back to see what the hairballs – no, dwarves, were doing.

They had come out of their mountain again and were staring at him in shock.

"The dragon is dead!" exclaimed a white-haired dwarf with funny-looking face-hair.

"The golden elf killed Smaug!" exclaimed another dwarf.

"Everyone! The golden elf killed the dragon!" 'Thorin' exclaimed, turning and facing all the dwarves behind him. "Throw a majestic party! We must celebrate this momentous day!"

"Look, Uncle!" shrilled the little brown-haired face-hairless dwarf, running up to 'Thorin' with a glowing thingy in his hand. "I found that rock you were looking for!"

"THE ARKENSTONE!" bellowed 'Thorin' happily, then grabbed the rock and popped it in his mouth. He chewed a few times, then swallowed. Raising his hairy hands above his head, he yelled, "I am the true King Under the Mountain! All shall see me, and despair!"

"Uh…" said Glorfindel, then walked over, bent down, and tapped the hairy 'Thorin' on the shoulder. "Hey."

"What?" 'Thorin' said, turning to face Glorfindel. "Oh! You! You are our hero! We must celebrate!"

"No thanks," said Glorfindel. "Actually, I was wondering if you could give me directions somewhere. My guide got lost."

"Of course!" 'Thorin' exclaimed. "Anything for the one who just saved all of our gold and jewels and mountain and family and friends and Arkenstone and majestic-ness!"

Glorfindel looked around at all the little hairballs – dwarves – that were staring at him with happiness on their hairy little faces, then he smiled happily. "You guys are just so cute! Can I hug all of you?"

"What?" said 'Thorin,'

"Oh goody!" Glorfindel picked him up and hugged him, and immediately a bunch of toothpicks appeared in the dwarves hands.

"Put him down!" yelled a hairy dwarf with hair that looked like it was falling off the top of his head a little bit at a time.

"Sheesh, you guys, it's just a hug," said Glorfindel, and put him down. Then he grabbed another dwarf and hugged him, put him down, and went to the next one.

By the time he got through every dwarf, the sun was starting to set and all the dwarves were stumbling around mumbling about 'Dumb golden elves.' Glorfindel was quite happy, however.

"I think I've got you all!" he said, then smiled very, very, very happily. "Now can you give me directions?"

"To where?" asked 'Thorin,' his eyes crossed because of the hug Glorfindel had just given him again.

"Lothlórien!" said Glorfindel happily. "I need to go find Lady Glowy-what's-her-face!"

"You mean the Witch of the Golden Wood?" 'Thorin' said in a dramatic hushed whisper.

"Um…yeah, that one."

"Well…okay. Anything for the one who just saved all of our gold and jewels and mountain and family and friends and Arkenstone and majestic-ness!" 'Thorin' gestured, and a few dwarves stepped forward. He pointed at a red-haired hairy hairball. "You, take the golden elf to this mysterious place called Lothlórien! You've been there before, haven't you?"

"Uh, yes," said the red-haired hairy hairball. "But it was with Leg –"

"Perfect!" roared 'Thorin.' "You shall take the golden elf there, then!"

Glorfindel stared at the red-haired hairy hairball. "What is that mutated orc?"

"HEY THAT'S MY SON!" yelled another grey/red-haired dwarf in the background somewhere. Glorfindel shrugged.

"Okay, if you say so." Glorfindel quickly hugged the red-haired hairy hairball and smiled cheerily. "Where do we go, then?"

The red-haired hairy hairball started walking. "Come on, follow me. We might have to stop somewhere, but it won't be long."

"Okay," Glorfindel agreed, and started following him, humming a tune under his breath.

"Massssterrrr hassssss betrayed usssss!" wailed an ugly gangly-legged grey creature a few feet away, and was promptly skewered by a throwing toothpick one of the dwarves threw.

Suddenly, the hairball that the dragon had spit out a few minutes ago moved. Everyone screamed and grabbed each other, hugging desperately. Glorfindel screamed and grabbed the little red-haired hairy hairball and hugged him desperately.

Hair and fur and bones squelked and squished, then glopped to the side to reveal…something red-haired, hairy, and covered in slime.

The little brown-haired dwarf with no hair on his face suddenly screamed in happiness. "T**riel!" he screamed in happiness. (This name has been censored due to its unrealistic owner, sorry). He lunged at the slime-covered thing and happily wrapped his arms around the something on the slime-covered thing that looked like a leg.

"Oh," said Glorfindel, disappointed. "It's that not-real person again. Meh." He turned and walked away.

Behind him, a blonde-haired elf suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "T**riel!" he screamed in happiness. (This name has been censored due to its unrealistic owner, sorry). He lunged at the slime-covered thing – then he suddenly stopped and scowled down at the brown-haired dwarf with no hair on his face. "What are you doing holding my girl's leg?"

"I am not your girl," said the slime-covered thing in a prissy voice. "I can take care of myself, and have any guy I want – because they all love me, I can kick butt, and I am sooooo totally awesome." The thing flipped something disgusting and red that looked like hair over its shoulder. "So there. And I just looooovvvvvee this little itty bitty dwarf that I just met a few days ago, don't even know his last name, and don't even know what his favorite color is. You can't stop me!"

"But I'm a prince!" protested the blonde-haired elf, his face falling and looking like he was about to cry.

Suddenly, Glorfindel ran back to them, gave Legolas a hug, then turned and ran away again to catch up with the red-haired hairy hairball that was his escort.

"So am I!" squeaked the little brown-haired dwarf with no hair on his face and still hugging the slime-covered thing's leg.

"You can't love him!" cried Legolas. "He's supposed to be dead anyway!"

The slime-covered thing gasped and quickly covered the little brown-haired dwarf's ears. "Oh, you didn't hear that!" it exclaimed, then scooped up the little brown-haired dwarf with no hair on his face and hugged him. "Besides," it said sassily, "our love is truuueeeeee."

"I hate you," said Legolas. He kicked a rock, which broke three of his toes, screamed, and ran to catch up with Glorfindel and the red-haired hairy hairball.

"Hey, Legolas," said the red-haired hairy hairball when Legolas had caught up to them.

"Hey, Legolas," said Glorfindel when Legolas had caught up to them.

"Hey, Glorfindel. Hey, Gimli," said Legolas. He was limping. "THIS IS WHY I HATE DWARVES!" he wailed, pointing back at where the slime-covered thing and the little brown-haired dwarf with no hair on its face were running for their lives from a million irate dwarves waving toothpicks in the air.

"You hate me?" Gimli said, not really shocked.

"No, not you," Legolas said. "Just that brown-haired one with no hair on his face."

"He's my cousin!" Gimli exclaimed, affronted.

"He stole my girl!" Legolas shrieked.

Gimli made an awkward face. "Uh…he's adopted."

Guess where they're going to go next?!

I'll give you a hint, IT'S NOT LOTHLORIEN, ONCE AGAIN. Wow, poor Glorfindel is never going to get to Lothlorien and have the answer he wants. I bet Galadriel is secretly laughing at him in her little mirror-thing. *growls angrily*

REVIEW OR GIMLI WILL EMBED HIS AXE IN YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM AND LEGOLAS WILL KILL YOU WITH TWO ARROWS SHOT AT THE SAME TIME BUT IT WILL STILL ONLY COUNT AS ONE.