A/N Here's another one for you. Dedicated to Max, who always laughs when people talk about rape and who could never possibly understand what it means to people.

Disclaimer: Not mine

He knew it was rape but he'd never cared. Taking these innocent muggles was a sport for him, for all of them. At the end of the day they would always tally up whoever had gotten the most that day before going off to drink away their sins. It was all a stupid game, in their world of sex and murder. Some of the others said it was lust and passion and that they couldn't control themselves, but Severus knew the truth. They were all monsters, including him.

At first he had done it to fit in with the other death-eaters, and now it was routine. The screams of innocent women never haunted his dreams anymore either, he had learned to ignore the struggle that inevitably came from his actions. Long gone were the days when he had to pretend they really wanted him and tell himself they meant yes when they screamed no. That was all in the past, and he hardly remembered those days.

In his life, he had never dreamed he could ever be loved, and he knew that with every victim he made it even more true. What women could want this thing he had turned himself into? He was no better than Voldemort himself in that sense. So many had died at his hands and he had never bothered to mourn for those he caused so much pain.

The rape, the murder made him one of the truest followers, and the absence of fear made him one of the favorites. Why should he care for a world that had caused him so much pain? For the gender that had caused his miserable life? Life was just another silly game and he knew it.

But there was always that glimmer of something when he sat down to drink away his mind every night. Something there when he joined his fellow death-eaters on their way to kill their latest assignment. Something there in the eyes of his victims as he muttered the killing curse. Something there that would always keep him awake at night.

Perhaps it was the thought that they didn't know what he knew about life and how pointless it was. Perhaps it was the pity he knew others felt for him. Or perhaps it was merely the realization that they had something that he would never have.

Because what kind of a monster would he be if he understood happiness?

A/N Another random drabble in the mind of a drunken Snape. Please review!