Chapter Four
Hijikata couldn't sleep that night. The conversation with Saitou earlier that day was weighing on his mind. What could he possibly have meant?
"What? Do you have the same feelings for Okita as well? So much so you don't want me to lay hands on him?" Hijikata retaliated.
"What? That's ridiculous! The one I'm worried about is obviously you Hijikata!" Saitou blurted out in a state of fury.
Hijikata stared at the ceiling as he pondered for hours.
Could it be that Saitou indeed had taken a liking for Souji but was trying to cover it up? No... He wouldn't make excuses like that. Saitou wasn't that kind of person.
Or perhaps, he was worried that if I had a relationship with Souji I'd be obsessed with the whole situation and neglect my work? Well, that may be possible since when it comes to Souji I seem to lose all my logic and reasoning... But why did he say that the one he was worried about was me? Why did he seem so hesistant and kept avoiding eye contact with me?
No way! Could it be that he...
Hijikata shook his head really hard, trying to get that thought out of his mind.
There's no way that's possible. Even if it were true, I'd never betray Souji! Not when I'd finally gotten him. After all that, I'm not going to throw away my feelings for him.
Not being able control his anxiety, he got up and left for his lover's room.
There he is, my precious Souji. The one who understands me the most. The one I cannot live without. Hijikata's passion overflowed as he drew the sliding doors open and saw Okita combing his long, black hair which resembled silk-like threads in the moonlight. Okita turned around in surprise to see his beloved Vice-commander standing at the door way. Hijikata could tell that Okita assumed that he wasn't coming tonight and was about to turn in.
But Hijikata needed to see him. He needed to look at Okita's face, feel the touch of his skin, taste the sweetest of his lips. He needed to be with Okita to reassure himself that everything would be alright. Almost as if Okita could read his mind, he gently placed a hand against Hijikata's cheek, tilted his head and looked at him softly, as if to say "What's wrong?" Hijikata love how Okita does this. How he always knew what he needed without him having to say it outright. Hijikata pulled him closer into an embrace. He breathed in Okita's scent, the scent he loved so much. He felt his warmth, the warmth which seem to comfort his entire being. He heard his soft breathing, so consistent and calm, like the waves of the sea, bringing him tranquility. Just being here with Okita seemed to rid him of all his worries.
"What would I do without you?" Hijikata whispered.
Okita pulled away to look at Hijikata's face. Hijikata blushed a little as the smaller man studied his face, traced the outline of his jaw, nose, lips and ended it with a kiss. Hijikata slid down and rest his head on his lover's lap
"Just for tonight, let me lie like that? Until I fall asleep?" Hijikata pleaded like a child to his mother.
Okita smiled and mouthed ..
It didn't take long for Hijikata to drift off to sleep, now that he was safe with Okita. He slipped into dreamland and dreamt of the past where he had spent most of his time with Okita and Kondo; the happy memories where things were still simple. He had watched Okita grow from an adolescent into the beautiful top swordsman he is today. He took pride in that he was part of Okita's growth. Conversely, he felt sad that he had to watch Okita's once innocent expressions turn to that clouded with anger and vengeance. That would probably be something that he would not be able to forgive himself.
As he was thinking about that, he saw the young Okita before him, waving at him, beckoning for him to follow. He chased after the young Okita for quite awhile, going through various places, from the riverside at their hometown, to the streets that there were so familiar with and even to their current quarters. As unfathomable as dreams are, Hijikata found himself in a garden layered with mist, which was weird as it was supposed to be summer. He searched around for the little Okita who had disappeared from his sight. Instead of the young Okita, the man he knew now, the one he held close for the past few nights, emerged from behind a tree.
"Souji..." Hijikata called out as he proceeded to close the gap between them. However, Okita took a step back and gestured for him to stay where he was.
"Hijikata, it's enough already. You need to move on." Tears welled up in his eyes as Okita softly told him. His expression was one that was heartbroken and sorrowful.
"What? I don't understand! Souji, what are you saying?" Hijikata shouted as he reached out for Okita who faded a way with a painful smile.
Hijikata's eyes shot wide open as he awoke from the dream, an arm outstretched.
"Souji!" Hijikata shouted as he looked around but there was no one. He frantically got up and searched every corner of the room before flying out to the corridors, calling out his lover's name. He panicked. He didn't want to lose Okita, not when they had just gotten together. He had decided that he would do his best to make Okita happy, for all the time he had left. He would make it up to him, for all the times he had rejected his confessions and advances. He was going to tell Okita that he loves him over and over again until he got bored of it.
Hijikata ran about searching, from the doujo, to the meeting hall, to the gardens, to the backyard.
"SOUJI!" Hijikata started to tear out of worry. He stood there, not knowing where else to search.
"Hijikata..." a voice called out to him.
"Souji?" Hijikata swept around in the direction of the voice. "Saitou."
Saitou stood there with a grim look on his face.
"YOU! WHAT DID YOU DO TO SOUJI! WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?" Hijikata shouted as he gripped Saitou and shook him.
"Hijikata-san, please calm down. " Saitou tried to stabilise him in vain.
"What calm down? Where is he! What did you say?" Hijikata repeated.
Saitou got agitated and shouted back, "HIJIKATA! ENOUGH! WAKE UP! STOP HIDING IN YOUR DELUSIONS! HE'S DEAD ALREADY!"
At that, Hijikata froze. "W-what?"
Saitou sighed and removed Hijikata's hands on his shoulders and placed a sword in his hands. Hijikata looked down at it, trembling. It was Okita's. Why does Saitou have it? What is he saying? What does he mean that he's dead? Who's dead?
"Okita's no longer around, Hijikata-san. Stop lying to yourself. I know it hurts and you regret not being true to your feelings but this cannot go on. We still have a war to fight. We cannot have our vice-commander, our pillar of strength going down like this!" Saitou continued determinedly.
"Okita... is... dead?" Hijikata asked, not understanding Saitou's words very well. "B-but... I was just with him last night!"
"Hijikata-san, it has been a year since Okita passed away from his Tuberculosis. You were the one who helped bury him at Sensouji. Thereafter, you cooped up inside your room for weeks. It was Tetsu who found you collapsed in your room when he went to check up on you. You were unconscious for three days. We were all so worried that you may just sleep forever, so when you awoke, we were really relieved. But then, you started acting strangely. It seemed as though you were in denial, like saw Okita still living among us. At first we thought that you would snap out of it after some time, and that this was due to the shock and depression from his death but it only got worse. It escalated from just talking to yourself to even acting like you were holding him, when in reality, you were facing thin air! And now you say that you're going to announce to the members that you're a couple? This is as far as it goes Hijikata! We need you to be strong in the coming war!"
Hijikata stood there in shock, no words came out of his opened mouth. Streams flowed down his face as he slowly came to terms with reality in his mind.
Indeed, his Okita has died. That faithful night, he had been with Okita in his room when he started to cough out excessive amounts of blood. With a face painted with agony, Okita had clutched onto him as he started to leave to call for help.
"No! Hijikata, don't leave me... It's already too late. Stay with me to the end..." Okita forced out those words through the coughs.
"No! No... Don't die! Don't leave me behind! I haven't told you my feelings!" Hijikata whimpered through his tears. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry for pushing you away all these time! But Souji! I love you! I really do!"
Hijikata held him tightly and embraced him. Okita felt the dampness from the tears falling upon him and with all his might, he managed a smile.
"I love you too..." With these last words, his body lay limp in the arms of his lover.
"Souji! Noooo! Arghhhh!" Hijikata cried until daybreak came and Okita's body was brought to the undertakers.
"Souji... Souji... Souji!" Hijikata repeated through his sobs. His lover's face as he whispered his last words, imprinted in his mind. Losing hold of his strength and pride, he knelt on the floor weeping.
Saitou laid a comforting hand on his shoulder, and stood by him as he wept. By then, the other members had heard the commotion and had gathered at the backyard too. Although no one had said it out specifically, they all knew what was going on and felt despair as well. Not only for the forlorn and heartbroken Vice-commander, but for the loss of their talented Captain as well. In order not to agitate their Vice-commander, they were not allowed to mention anything about Okita or his death for the past year. Now that the truth was out, everyone started releasing their bereavement and started to cry as well.
For a long time, all that came from the Shinsengumi's quarters were sounds of sorrow.
Thanks for reading this fic! All that's left is just one last epilogue! Please review if you enjoyed this fic!