The Empire Strikes Back - A Parody - By Super Tinfoil Man Part 2
Chapter 4. - Enter Darth Vader -
DEEP SPACE
Darth Vader`s Imperial Star Destroyer moved slowly through space , five other smaller Star Destroyers flanked it with TIE fighters weaving in and out of the huge ships. Inside the huge Vader ship, a lazy looking middle aged man was fast asleep at his desk, he was nudged roughly by his commanding officer. The lazy man shook his head then rubbed his eyes, he then pressed a green play button then soon fell back asleep. The Imperial March theme music blared throughout the ship.
Admiral Ozzy Ozzel banged his head to the theme music as he bit his lower lip with emotion. Captain Piett ran excitedly towards Ozzel. They stood in front of a monitor.
" I got some crazy report from one of our probes in the Hoth system, " Piett explained as he turned on the monitor.
The Image showed the shield generator sticking way out of the snow.
Ozzel scoffed at the image that he couldn't take credit for , " pfft ! That could just be a Wompa settlement. They have been known to ... " He stopped talking when he heard the footsteps approaching, the footsteps that drowned out the Imperial March theme music that had extended into a techno theme , the footsteps that could only belong to one man...
" What is going on here ? " Darth Vader boom asked, followed by his mechanical breathing noise.
Ozzel cleared his throat, " It`s nothing sir, just a ... "
KOOO PAAAAA !
" It looks to be a ... "
KOOO PAAAAA !
" I said the possibility of it was ... "
KOOOO PAAAAAA ! " Sorry, I will turn down the volume on my breathing. "
Vader studied the video closely , he could see rebel speeders zoom back and forth from the shield generator, he could see the rebel troops eating lunch by the entrance to the base, that had a sign that read - ENTRANCE TO REBEL BASE - in red letters.
" Pffft ! " Ozzel scoffed again , " there are so many uncharted settlements , it could be smugglers , it could be ... "
" It could be YOU taking a big SHIT on all our intelligence. I'm growing tired of you Ozzel. Set your course for the Hoth system. Veers, prepare your men. " Vader spun to leave , but then stopped for a moment and put his black, gloved hand on Ozzel`s shoulder , " One more thing, if you pull too close to the system and alert our presence to the Rebels, I swear to the force I will round house kick your fucking face off. We clear ? "
Ozzel nervously nodded , " Crystal, my lord. "
" Good , " Vader started to walk away but turned back again , " I mean it Ozzel. I will Chuck Norris your shit. Your face will fly right off and stick to the wall. "
" I understand, my lord. " Ozzel nodded.
Darth Vader walked away, Admiral Ozzel let out a big sigh of relief and turned to one of his subordinates. He was about to downplay what just was said to him when Vader walked around the corner in the opposite direction.
" That was odd. Talk about a wrong turn. " Vader announced to nobody. He then shot a glance at Ozzel and made a kicking motion, then made a motion with his hands to his face, then a motion to the wall.
Ozzel nodded in understanding.
MAIN REBEL HANGAR BAY
Luke Skywalker grabbed an extra heavy winter jacket and walked through the frenzied hangar bay. Droids, soldiers and maintenance crews were running around in panic. Some collided , some were severely injured when colliding with droids, it was pretty halarious. Luke approached the rear of the Millennium Falcon where Chewbacca was pretending to work on a panel by the ramp.
" Hey, Chewie. Take care of yourself, O.K ? " He patted the giant animal on the shoulder. Chewie grabbed Luke and hugged him hard, Luke's shoulder dislocated and his arm twisted behind his back followed by loud cracking noises.
" Hi kid, " Han called down from the top of the ship, " you alright ? "
" No. " Luke said painfully as he showed Han his severely twisted arm behind his back.
" Be careful. " Han said gently. He was staring at Luke in a warm, fathering way.
" Well, you too. BACK TO THE MEDICAL BAY FOR ME I GUESS ! " Luke screamed in Chewie`s direction.
DARTH VADER'S SHIP - INSIDE THE MEDITATION CHAMBER
General Veers entered the meditation chamber with a skipping , good natured strut. But he was soon hit with a body odour smell that was like a hockey player not cleaning out his hockey equipment bag for ten years. He covered his nose and mouth and his eyes watered. Before him the cube shape of the meditation machine was open just enough to see Lord Vaders helmet-less , gross head. His black helmet slowly lowered and sucked into place on the dark lords head.
SLUUUURP ! SUCCCCK ! SQUIRM !
General Veers closed his eyes and held back his puke as best as he could.
SLUUUUURP ! SUUUUCK !
Veers covered his eyes and nose, he was drooling bad now.
SUUUUUCK ! SUUUUCK ! SLOSHING SOUND !
" Holy fuck, I can't take it ! " Veers threw up on the floor.
" Ahhh ! " Vader screamed and fell out of his chair. His helmet popped off and he scrambled on his knees to retrieve it.
Veers was hit with another wave of body odour, he nearly lost his lunch again.
" Don't ever scare me like that again ! " Vader growled as he sat back down.
" My apologies , my lord. "
" You know, this room has a door chime. Use it next time. " Vader crossed his arms and sat back further in his chair.
" The fleet has moved out of light-speed. The planet Hoth has put up a force field making it impossible to shoot at the base from space. "
Vader ripped the arm off his chair and threw it across the room, " Are you fucking serious right now ?! General Veers ! Are you fucking serious ?! "
" Yes, Lord Vader. " Veers bowed, nervously.
" I told that dumb son of a bitch not to pull too close to the system ! That was FIVE minutes ago ! FIVE MINUTES AGO ! " Vader ripped the other arm off his chair and threw it as well. Veers made a quiet exit from the chamber.
Vader spun around on his chair, the top half of the back wall illuminated to show the bridge of the ship. Admiral Ozzel turned towards the camera and walked proudly in front of Captain Piett.
" Lord Vader, the fleet has moved out of light speed, we are preparing..."
" Shut the fuck up Ozzel ! " Vader boomed and pointed at the Admiral, " I'm feeling kind of lazy right now. I could stretch out with the force and strangle you, or I could go there and give you a round house kick to the face. "
" Lord Vader, " Ozzel reasoned , " it takes twenty five minutes to get to the bridge from your location. "
" For once in your pathetic life, you are correct. " Vader sounded like he was calming down. Ozzel flashed a quick, confident glance at Captain Piett.
" Captain Piett, " Vader boomed, Piett responded by walking slightly in front of Ozzel.
" Captain Piett, see that coffee deluxe 5000 machine behind you ? "
" Yes, my lord. "
" I want you to take the entire drum of coffee off of the machine. " Vader waited while Piett hauled the drum of coffee towards the camera.
" Now, splash the entire drum on Ozzel. " Vader commanded. Piett quickly complied and started splashing Ozzel with hot coffee, the Admiral screamed and fell on the floor.
" Now, I want you to kick Ozzel three times in the head, and five to six times in the ribs. " Vader watched the captain as he started to kick something on the floor to the left of the camera, Vader was pleased at the lack of emotion Piett was showing as he finished his kicks.
" Captain, I can still hear him moaning. How heavy is that Darth Vader paper weight on the desk there ? " Vader pointed.
Piett grabbed the small statue and lightly juggled it with one hand, " It is fairly heavy for a paper weight, my lord. "
" Good. Throw it on Ozzel as hard as you can. " Vader watched the captain raise the paper weight over his head and bring it down hard off camera. A few droplets of blood hit Piett in the face.
" Excellent. You are now... " Vader was interrupted by more loud moaning from Ozzel, " really ? This guy is tough. O.K, captain Piett. See that officer working at his station ? Go over and ask for his help. I want both of you to tilt that huge ice machine over onto Ozzel. THAT should finish him off. " Vader watched both men struggle with the large, metal ice machine. They managed to finally tilt it over and it made a loud crash off camera.
" Excellent. Captain Piett, you are no longer captain, you are now..." Vader slapped his forehead as a shaky hand came into view on the lower part of the screen followed by more moaning.
" Captain Piett, " Vader sighed, " see that flame thrower hanging on the wall to your left ? Put that on, Frank the intern , " Vader pointed to Piett`s helper, " take that laser rifle off of that Stormtrooper ...
2 HOURS LATER
" ... now I want Sam to throw his two thermal detonators, Frank, you keep a concentrated stream of lasers on Ozzel, Piett, open up those two hull torches at once, work on his arms, Nelson ! NELSON ! Did I say stop pouring acid on him ?! Keep it going ! Damarco ! Get your Rancor Beast under control ! Work as a team men ! Come on ! "
REBEL HANGAR BAY
Princess Leia quickly gathered a bunch of pilots around her to give them a briefing on the plan of action.
" All troop carriers will assemble at the north entrance... "
" WOOT ! DISRUPTION ! "
" If I have to speak to you again Jake, I will kick you off the team. Alright, what was I saying, yes, the heavy transport ships will leave as soon as they are loaded. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind - that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it is fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression or persecution- but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live, to exist ! And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice...
We will not go quietly into the night !
We will not vanish without a fight !
We are going to live on !
We are going to survive !
TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY ! "
No pilots clapped or made any noise at all. They just looked at each other with puzzled expressions at Leia`s bizarre speech.
End of Chapter 4 -