Chapter 3:

The (Great) Library

A certain reviewer thought that Velend was Mayrie's husband, so I worried that other readers might get mixed up too! I don't want readers of this parody to think that Mayrie's husband is perving on Tayend… LOL

Anyway, Velend (who is referred to in this chapter) is the guy in the Novice who goes to the party with Tayend, and it is implied he fancies him. Also, Velend reminded Dannyl of Fergun. That's all I have to say for now :D

The carriage made its way out of the city, and Dannyl took in all the sights of the Elyne countryside. The scenery really was magnificent. The only thing that spoilt the beauty was the new motorway that had just been built, which connected Capia to Sachaka. Dannyl shook his head in disgust. Why on earth would anyone want to travel to Sachaka?

He passed through the poorest areas of Capia, and Dannyl had to admit that they looked a hell of a lot better than the Slums in Imardin did. The people here at least had proper clothing (even if they were two years out of fashion.) They looked quite thin, but then again so did plenty of people Dannyl knew. Anorexia was very popular within the wealthy classes back in Kyralia.

The children in the poor areas weren't exactly timid when they saw the fancy carriage. They ran up beside it, and begged Dannyl to show them some fireworks. Apparently some guy called Gandalf always did fireworks when he passed by. Dannyl finally gave in, because he didn't want to be outclassed by some stupid wizard. The Ambassador treated the kids to a spectacle of a nearby tree bursting into flames, and exploding. They cheered, and Dannyl felt happy he had done his good deed for the day.

Finally the carriage reached the Great Library. For the first time, it dawned on Dannyl that the building was actually called, "The Great Library", and the word "great" hadn't just been Tayend trying to boast about the place. (Despite the fact that in reality, the library looked rather small).

Dannyl spotted a large, golden sign outside the door of the building:

Welcome to the Great Library

Please note that weapons and drugs are not permitted inside the building.

All children must be accompanied by a responsible adult.

No Sachakans welcome.

Trespassers will be executed.

Thieves will be burned at the stake.

It you are here to have sex with one of the scholars, please remember to use protection.

If your name is Velend, then Tayend doesn't want to sleep with you.

Dannyl wasn't quite sure if the sign was a joke or not. So he cautiously made his way up to the door and knocked. Immediately, it opened and Tayend of Tremmelin's angry face appeared.

"Look Velend, I already told you, there's no way I'm giving you a lap dance-" Tayend suddenly realised Dannyl was standing in front of him. After all, the purple robes were a bit of a giveaway.

"Dannyl! How wonderful to see you! You're a week and twelve hours later than you said you'd be, but no matter. Come inside!"

Tayend grabbed the Ambassador by the arm and pulled him in the door. The first thing Dannyl exclaimed when he entered the library was, "Wow! It's bigger on the inside!" He gazed around in wonder at the gigantic hallway. The outside of the building had been very deceptive.

Tayend beamed at Dannyl's shock. "It sure is! And you're not the first person to tell me that." He giggled, and the magician chuckled too, despite having no idea what he was laughing at.

The scholar abruptly recalled his manners, and gave a low bow. Dannyl mused that the Elyne must be excellent at playing limbo. He also noticed that Tayend had been strangely attractive when he was furious a few moments ago. The magician made a mental note to wind the scholar up as much as possible in the future.

Dannyl was introduced to Librarian Irand, and learned that the sign outside was something of an inside joke that Tayend had come up with. Irand also remarked that Tayend took many days off work, usually to attend wild parties with his friends. But Irand didn't elaborate on this after Tayend kicked him.

After that, the scholar led Dannyl into a private room at the back of the library. The Ambassador gazed around the large room curiously. His eyes lingered on the various pictures of acrobats hanging on the wall, the abundance of brightly coloured cushions scattered around the room, and the four poster bed in the corner.

Tayend cheerily explained that he himself lived in the Library, because his father refused to give him money to buy a place of his own. Irand was happy to let Tayend live here, so long as he only invited respectable friends over to stay. Velend, for example, had been strictly banned from visiting the Library. He had a nasty habit of stealing Tayend's underclothes whenever he came round for a sleepover. The scholar had even caught Velend spying on him through his bedroom window more than once.

Dannyl felt immensely sorry for Tayend, having to spend hours upon hours in this dusty old building. The Elyne should be out partying, getting drunk and impregnating young ladies, like any normal young man ought to be. In Tayend's own words, he had described the Great Library as being "full of the most mind-blowingly boring books in the Allied Lands."

Dannyl tried desperately to steer the conversation away from the tedious research that they should be doing. "So Tayend… How many women have you slept with?"

Tayend looked absolutely horrified at being asked such a question. Dannyl was surprised at his reaction; surely this was a normal question for one straight man to ask another?

Tayend eventually declared, "None!"

Dannyl raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

Tayend was positively indignant by now. "No! I mean yes - I mean – look, I don't sleep with women, ok?"

Dannyl suddenly understood. It all made perfect sense now – the fact that a handsome man like Tayend wasn't surrounded by a crowd of fawning girls. The answer was so simple.

Tayend of Tremmelin was a member of a chastity club.

The magician smiled kindly at the younger man. "I understand, and it's nothing to be ashamed of! But aren't guys like you supposed to wear a special silver ring or something, to show what you are?"

The scholar stared blankly at Dannyl. "Er… maybe in Kyralia they do. But not here in Elyne!"

Dannyl nodded. "Well anyway, I think the lifestyle choice that you've made is very admirable. And don't worry, because no doubt your family will marry you off soon, and then you'll get all the sex you've ever wanted!"

Not for the first time, Tayend had no idea what the magician was on about. He took this as an indication that it was time to open a bottle of wine… or five. Perhaps magicians made more sense when they were drunk. They certainly couldn't make any less.

Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback so far :D

I made some last minute additions to this chapter, based on what I thought readers liked. I hope it added to the humour, rather than drag it out in the middle… Anyway, please let me know what you think!

By the way, the "bigger on the inside" joke is a reference to Doctor Who, and probably sounds a lot dirtier than it is :P