Chapter 4
"Annie," Sheriff Hawkins said as he swallowed another bite of the beef roast on his plate. "This has got to be the best pot roast you've fixed since we've been married!"
"Oh, go on, Buck!" answered Annie Hawkins smiling good naturedly towards her husband of 28 years. "You're going to make the Captain here think that you don't get anything decent to eat except when company comes to sit at the table…"
Annie smiled putting another bite of mashed potatoes into her own mouth as she tried to make eye contact with their guest from Bay City.
Hutch, however, remained much as he had the entire meal…his head down using his fork to rearrange the roast, potatoes and green peas around to different spots on his plate. Hutch raised his head as he suddenly realized that silence had engulfed the room and two pairs of eyes were watching him intently.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Hawkins," Capt. Kenneth Hutchinson said in embarrassment. "Did you say something?"
"No Captain…" Hutch was about to correct his hostess when she blurted out, "I mean Ken…it wasn't important…and by the way, Mrs. Hawkins was Buck's mother's name and I really am quite a bit younger than she…"
Hutch looked up at his hostess and said, "Yes, I would imagine that's quite right…Annie."
Annie smiled back at her guest and responded, "That's better." She continued, as she patted his hand gently, "I know you have far more important things on your mind right now."
Hutch appreciated the sheriff and his wife's concern and graced Annie with a gentle smile and a return pat to her strong yet gentle hand. Eating then resumed and soon Hutch's smile was gone from his face and he again was far away…far away in place and in time.
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This meal reminded him a little too much of happier times around his own table…in his old apartment in Venice Beach when he had made a dinner similar to this one in front of him for his very special friend who needed some cheering up. They had laughed at the pillar candles that burned softly in the little room. Starsky had teased that it was as if Hutch was trying to impress a date or something!
A ghost of smile again graced Hutch's handsome face.
"Even when you're not really here, you can still cheer me up, Starsk," Hutch thought fondly.
Those were the times that he liked to think about when he thought of Starsky. Him laughing, joking, Starsky talking of nonsense things with Hutch and the two of them just enjoying being together.
Thinking of those times made Hutch sad too, "How I wasted those times together, Starsk. Why do people think that the time together with friends and family are going to last forever and that the mistakes that we make with them can always wait until there is a better time to make them right…to fix them?"
"Sometimes you don't get a better time to fix things…sometimes there is NO more time."
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"Ken…" Said Mrs. Hawkins pulling Hutch from the past and into the present.
As Hutch's eyes met hers," she continued, "Would you like some more roast? There's plenty you know."
"No, uh…Annie," replied Hutch. "It all smells wonderful, but I guess I'm just not that hungry right now."
Jason "Buck" Hawkins nodded his head knowingly.
"I know that you're thinking about your partner, Captain."
The Sheriff continued, "I've got a feeling that we're going to hear something about him soon from the coroner in Sacramento. I told him that we suspected that the body we found was the missing police detective from Bay City that we heard of years ago." Then a little gentler, "I asked him to put a rush on the ID as a personal favor to me."
Hutch gave him a questioning look.
"Well, as it happens, the coroner and I used to be good friends in school," explained Buck.
"Yes, used to be an old boyfriend of mine," added Annie with a slight twinkle in her eye.
The sheriff looked at his wife fondly. "Yeah, but I was the lucky one who landed you!"
Hutch smiled in spite of himself listening to the lighthearted banter taking place between the sheriff and his wife. He took the paper napkin from his lap and wiped his mouth as he excused himself from the table to go into the living room to relax his mind a minute. Before he left he turned and thanked the couple for their wonderful hospitality.
"Please, don't ever take each other for granted," Hutch said. "You never know what will be the last words you say to each other. Trust me, you never forget them."
Sheriff Hawkins sighed and called after Hutch that he would be sure to let him know when the coroner called and that they had some news.
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Hutch went into the living room and sat on the overstuffed couch that was the focal point of the room. It was long, very comfortable and practically molded itself around Hutch's long frame. He leaned his weary head back towards the back. His neck was cushioned almost as if it were a fluffy pillow and before he knew it Hutch was dosing as he twirled his partner's rings that now graced his own hand.
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"Hey Hutch, whatcha want to do tonight now that we're finally free of this place?" Starsky said. "Go down to Huggy's, pop back a few cold ones?"
"Well, partner, I thought I would just go home…make a night of just lazing around…" responded Hutch knowing full well that lazing around wasn't exactly what he had in mind for the evening's festivities.
"Sounds great Hutch…" answered Starsky. "Mind if I laze around with you for awhile? Actually that sounds pretty good to me after the week we've had with the Mendosa case."
Hutch wasn't sure how to tell his partner that Lizzie had planned to come over and spend the night. "I should just tell him that I'm planning on company…no…why should I tell him that part?"
Hutch looked at Starsky square in the face, straight in the eye and told him that he would just rather be alone tonight if he didn't mind. He had an edge to his voice that Hutch really hadn't meant to come out, but he never was good at hedging the truth with his best friend.
Hutch remembered thinking that he had fooled his old friend…that he hadn't caught the edginess of in his voice or Starsky had just ignored it as he simply brushed past Hutch and opened the door to his baby…
Well, OK then partner…." Starsky smiled coyly. "Enjoy your time alone, Hutch," emphasizing the word "alone" which meant for certainty that David Starsky didn't make a living as a detective for nothing.
Then with a knowing wink, the best friend he had ever had, peeled out of the police garage to parts unknown.
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Hutch moaned… twisting his head back and forth. "NO!" his mind screamed in his dreamlike state. "I didn't mean it Starsky!" as he reached out his arms to jerk his partner back to safety.
He woke with a start realizing that he was reaching for empty air…that it had all been just a dream.
"I've been alone eight and a half years too long."
Hutch sat in silence for a moment remembering the emotions that came like a never ending waterfall the next day when he had gone by Starsky's home to pick him up for work as if it was any other day.
It wasn't…and it would never be again.
Hutch went from angry to concerned to panicked in the space of a few hours that day.
Lizzie had been so wonderful during the whole investigation…the late night hours at the station trying without luck to get some kind of lead as to what had happened to Starsky. She had been at the funeral comforting and supporting Starsky's mom and Lizzie had her own brand of comfort for Hutch that he craved so much during that time. He had shouted at her in angered frustration, cried in her arms and needed her till he thought that she could take all the pain away with just her touch…with just her smile. When he and Elizabeth Lynette Anderson had eloped to Las Vegas almost a year after Starsky's disappearance, everyone was happy for them. Edith Dobey had said that she wished she had been able to be there to throw them both a party to beat all parties…and still wanted to do that after they had their quick honeymoon, but Hutch just smiled the slight smile that tended to be his trademark these past few years.
He had always told Lizzie that they would have a proper wedding with all the trimmings…someday, but that someday never came. Truth was that Hutch just couldn't imagine himself up in front of a minister without Starsky by his side as his best man and in some irrational way, had always blamed Starsky's disappearance…or at least his not being with Starsky that night on the fact that he was instead with Lizzie.
Three years ago, Hutch had realized that he really didn't love Lizzie the way she needed or deserved to be loved. He was just trying to fill the void that was in his very soul that was Starsky sized and Lizzie couldn't fill that. No one could so, Hutch and Lizzie both finally came to the realization that they couldn't be for each other what the other needed or wanted.
The divorce, Hutch's second, had been very amicable and was finalized a year ago this past June. Lizzie had kissed his cheek that day in court and said that she hoped that he would find his way and some kind of happiness…that Starsky wouldn't want to be mourned that he would want to be celebrated for his life.
"You will always have a very special place in my heart Kenneth Hutchinson," were the last words that Lizzie had spoken to him that day before she was gone from his life for good.
Hutch wasn't as devastated as he thought he would be. It was then he knew that he wouldn't really feel whole and complete until he kept his promise to Rachel about finding her son.
He had heard that Lizzie had gone to Phoenix, Arizona to work in the grief counseling field for the city's social services department. She was pretty serious about one of the other counselors in the department and seemed to be getting her life together.
Hutch was happy for her. She deserved so much…more than he knew he could ever give.
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Hutch was suddenly pulled from his impromptu journey through the past by the ringing of the phone. Sheriff Hawkins picked up the receiver and answered in his official capacity, "Hello, this Sheriff William Hawkins speaking."
Then a little less formally, "Yes, Jim…uh hmmmm."
"I can't tell you how much I appreciate that Jim," Buck spoke fondly. "We've had some supper here at the house while we were waiting."
Hutch rose from the couch to cross over to where Sheriff Hawkins was speaking.
"What was that…?"
"Oh, yeah, you know Annie, Jim," Sheriff Hawkins started to laugh. "Annie's pot roast is famous all over."
Another pause then, "Of course, you know you are welcome any time you're up this way…" His eyes met the anxious eyes of Ken Hutchinson. "Uh, Jim…Captain Hutchinson has been waiting for your findings on that body we sent you earlier today…do you have a positive identification now?"
There was a long pause. Sheriff Hawkins stiffened.
"I see Jim…" Buck stated matter of factly. "You said that it might be tomorrow before you could determine the ID but since we provided the possible victim…well I know Captain Hutchinson was hoping that you could render your findings by tonight."
Hutch thought the next long pause was the longest he'd ever had to wait for anything in his entire life.
"OK, Jim…we'll call your office tomorrow." Sheriff Hawkins said as he cast his eyes away from Hutch and put the phone back into its cradle.
"I gather that was the Sacramento coroner," began Hutch.
"Yes, it was," Buck turned and sat down on sofa that Hutch had just vacated. "We're not going to have an ID on the body we dug up this morning until tomorrow at the earliest."
"I know that's what you said before," said Hutch a little down heartedly as he sat beside his colleague on the sofa. "I was just hoping that …
"I know but…Jim wants to do a very thorough job," offered the sheriff. "He said that he was going to be working through the night on this one as a personal favor to me…and because this might be a fellow officer who lost his life in the line of duty."
A hand was placed firmly on Hutch's shoulder, "I guess you'll be staying in the guest room tonight," smiled William.
"I don't think so sheriff," Hutch's sadness soon turned to determination. "I'm going to go to Sacramento personally …I want to know as soon as humanly possible about Starsky and take him home."
"I don't think so Ken," said Annie Hawkins. She appeared in the doorway wiping the soapy water off of her hands and forearms with a red terrycloth dishtowel. "There's a fierce spring storm heading up the mountain and the radio announcements are saying it's going to be a whopper."
"I'm afraid that you're stuck here at least until it blows over."
Hutch's head was pounding with weariness that he hadn't felt in a long time. He placed his head in his large hands and wondered what he had ever done to make this bad karma come his way.