Chapter 4: And so, my life slowly drift away peacefully... until Yuigahama show up and decide to poison us all, and by us, I mean 'herself' too.

"…Hikigaya-kun, what do you think this club is for?"

"You have asked me the exact same question the week before, woman, and as I said before, I do mine, you do yours: I will put down my phone the second you close your bo-*Thud!* - …Okay, I forgot again that you are a bloody tryhard." Yukinoshita flashes me a triumph smirk as she watches me stumbles through the motion of turning off my phone. Fucking magn-I mean, Japanese smartphone, how do they work?

"So…what now? I mean, look-" I sweep my hand through the empty classroom. "While Hiratsuka-sensei did promise she will spread words about our club's existence, it isn't like people will flock to us like mayflies to fire anytime soon, y'know. Give it a rest."

"A whole week has passed, and yet no one came. I find this… very infuriating."

"Then why didn't you do anything about it, then? Like, actively going around and help people or something?"

"Because it is impossible to save everyone and solve everyone's problem?"

"I fail to see how these things are connected, but..eh, whatever. As long as you don't-"

"-Hikigaya-kun, as a leader of this club, I hereby command you to go look for troubled students and bring them here." …this again?

"…As I said yesterday, that won't work. At all. I mean, assume the fact that I am somehow docile enough to actually listen and follow your absurd command, what do you think will happen when a renowned no-good loner suddenly come up to you in your time of trouble and start talking about a suspicious club that will solve your problem for free? If it was me, I would call the cop. Or the guidance counselor. Who is useless, by the way." I clear my throat. "All in all, it will just end in disaster for me, so no. Non. Nein. Nyet. I won't do it."

"Tsch, what a bunch of convenient excuses you have here, Hikilazy-kun." Yukinoshita sighs. "What do you think we shall do, then?"

"Uhm…we wait and do our own stuff in the mean time, just like how things were these last days?"

"Then that won't change anything."

"Nah, it is fine. I mean, this is the calm before the storm, y'know? Before you notice it, this club will get popular and requests will start piling up like no tomorrow! People will flock to you like lost sheep saying 'Yukinoshita-sama, help me, help me!' and such! You won't even have a moment's rest!"

"R-really?"

"Nah."

"!"

Ignore the betrayed expression of a certain Yukinoshita, I stand up and stretch my body, letting out a few creaking sounds that I did not know this body is capable of. "I am going to the toilet for a bit, so please hold down the fort, okay?"

"'Hold down the fort'? How nonsensical. One can never hold down a fort, for it is an inanimate object too heavy for the wind to blow away. Please refrain from butchering the English language with your preposterous phrasing and terrible understanding on how verbs work, Hikiloony-kun. Also, you forgot your phone." Yukinoshita points to the phone I left on the table as she keeps rambling away her frustration. It was kind of cute really, the way she act when she get all flustered. "Are you seriously that much of a careless idiot, leaving your personal possession around without a care in the world? Are you not afraid that somebody will steal it and worse, use it for nefarious mean and frame you?"

"Oh please, I am counting on it. Curiosity kills the cat, y'know." I slide the door open as I trade banter with her. "Or in this case, the cat's innocence, but I am not sure you have any to begin…with…." My voice trails out as I look at the baffled pink personification in front of me. "Erm…Yuigahama-san, right? Do you need something?"

It took our resident pinkie almost 5 seconds to notice me as she then jump back like a startled doggo, shakily pointing her finger at me. Cute.

"Huh? Eek?! W-why are you here? Why is Hikki here?"

"…I am a member of this club. You can say that Hiratsuka-sensei roped me into this." I laugh deprecatingly. "For the mean time, take a seat or something, okay? That girl over there is Yukinoshi-"

"I know who she is! I mean, everyone in this school know who she is, right?!"

"-ta, the lead-patient of this madhouse." Swiftly ignore Yuigahama outburst, I motion her to get inside and then casually pull up a chair right in front of Yukinoshita, who is giving me quiteeee a cold stare. "Just sit down right here and spill your heart out to her or whatever, okay?"

"T-thank you…" she appeared bewildered as she accepted my offer and sat down quietly. "I mean, I have never seen Hikki acting like this before, so out-of-character…" Yuigahama mumbled something under her breath.

"That thing is a living, breathing paradox." Yukinoshita breaths out and glare at me. "A disgusting, twisted mass of conflicting ideals take shape and form."

"As always, I will take your overly flattering comments on my characters as a compliment." I pompously sneered. "Anyway, look after my phone, okay?"

"No."

"…Then why did you put it in your front pocket, then?"

"Because I am confiscating it. New rule of the Service club: no smartphone allowed during club time."

"…Then I propose a new rule, too: No book allowed."

"Denied. And you don't have the authority to make new rule."

"How tyrannical! I suggest a democratic reform!"

"…Ahaha, This club seems like, really fun and stuff?" Yugaihama gasped as she looks at Yukinoshita and me with twinkling eyes. "I mean, how do I put it…Hikki is like, completely different from how he is, like, in class and stuff! For one, he is actually talking and not doing something weird and creepy!" Oi, hush, you lost puppy, hush!

"Anyway, I'm going to the toilet and stuff so have fun in the mean time, guys." I walk out and leave them some heart-warming parting words. "Just don't overdo it; I am sure Hiratsuka-sensei has bugged this room to hell and back."

"I take it back, Hikki is still creepy!" …Oi, why are you saying that with such a relived expression?

"Anywayyyy, anyone up for a drink? My treat."

"I won't take anything touched by your tainted, unwashed hands, Hikigerm-kun."

"…A yasai seikatsu 100 strawberry mix it is, then." My ability to remember useless trivial has strike again! "No, I can't read mind." I said before the bewildered Yukinoshita could open her mouth. "And I didn't stalk you, either. Please stop having the egregious assumption that I feel anything for you other than pure indifference, Yukinoshita-san. It reflects badly on your characters, you know?" I flashed her one bloody triumph smirk as I turn to Yuigahama and swiftly ignore the death stare glued to my back. "And what will you have, then?"

"M-me? Ehhhh... something cool? I mean, I am not good with thinking on the spot, ehehe, eh…how about café? That 'café au lait' stuff or something?"

"Got it." I nod at her and close the door behind as I concentrate my otherworldly memories and meta-knowledge on the character of this fluffy, bubbly-like cotton candy wrapped in marshmallows newcomer.

Yuigahama Yui. Student. Part of the Hayama's clique. Cheerful, outgoing people pleaser who wants to get along with everyone. Possesses an uncanny ability to read the mood and act accordingly all while being far more insightful than people give her credits for. Ultimately, she is a nice girl. One nice enough to priorities other things over her own much to her dismay.

Conclusion? She is a warm and fluffy peach-colored doormat.

In another word, the perfect fit for our resident hissy black cat, as always.

Mhm…now that I think about it, is this situation the 'fated encounter' sort of thing? I mean, how much of a coincidence that excluding the driver, almost all the people involved in that incident end up in the same club?

The more I think about it, the more questions it raises, the more pointless it becomes.

Might just get this over with.

..."Hiratsuka-sensei, what are you doing here? Why are you pacing back and fro in front of the male restroom with your face as red as a tomato and your clothes drenched in sweat? Are you feeling unwell, sensei? Is it that time of the month? Please restraint yourself, okay? Assaulting a minor is a serious crime, okay?"

"Hikigaya, stop being a smartass for a second."

…

"Okay."

"…Hi-ki-ga-ya."

"You said 'a second'. A second had definitely passed before I said 'okay'. "

"So you did say that to mess with me, huh?!"

"No, I didn't. You just assume so. Anyway, talk about assumption." I look at the suddenly sheepish face of a certain young woman who adamantly refused to meet my eyes. "…Stalking is a crime, you know?"

"W-what are you talking about, Hikigaya? I definitely did not install anything suspicious in that little clubroom of you! Honest!" Please stop fidgeting around; your breasts are seriously distracting.

"…Whatever. I know that while our situation may looks like fun and game and... y'know, typical shoujo boy-meets-girl romcom crap, it seriously is not. I understand you have the best intention in mind, sensei, but please." I firmly grasped her slender shoulders and flashed her one of the most heart-warming smile I could ever muster. "Get laid or something."

…

…

"Uuuu…" …Is she seriously crying?

…

…

Oh fuck she is.

"I-I tried. I tried really hard, you know?" Hiratsuka mumbles to herself as she chokes back tears. "B-but it all ended in failure! Failure! Out of all my friend, I am the only one still single! I don't wanna to drink and cry myself to sleep every time I went back from an outing anymore! I just want a husband! No, scratch that, even a boyfriend is okay, too! Why is it so hard for me to get married?!" She screamed out these last sentences as she started weeping loudly.

"O-okay, I went a little too far there, I mean…crap, I seriously don't know how to handle this kind of situation but… uhhh, it isn't all that bad, you know? H-Here, take it easy, I will buy you a drink and listen to your problems or something so just take it easy, okay…" I crooned to her as I softly patted her back and led the whimpering woman outside before the commotions she made could attract any unwanted attention.

But, alas, what can I say?

The truth is always easy to see and hard to swallow.

One who based their principles on fickle values like love or respect will always end up losing to themselves, if not to the world. Hiratsuka first need to realize that her view is unsustainable to begin with. A sickness imprinted on her by society, family, hammered into her brain in the name of tradition and good-old romanticism. If the only vision she has of herself comes from the social mirror -the current socially and politically corrected view, from the opinions, perceptions, and paradigms of the people around her- then her view of herself would be like the reflection in the crazy mirror room at the carnival: Disjointed, disoriented and out of proportions.

Are we human just creatures of habits and conditions, forevermore trapped by our own genetics, upbringings and environments?

Maybe, maybe not.

if our lives are a function of conditioning and conditions, it is because we have, by conscious decision or by default, chosen to empower those things to control us. There is a fundamental principle about the nature of man: Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose. To act, to react, or to not care at all and go on with your life.

…What a load of bullshit that was, and what a load of bullshit I am. What she need right now is a comforting hand, a sympathetic listener, someone who acknowledge her, someone who understand her. Someone who can empathize.

Hah.

I mean, see how easy for us to say that kind of thing, yet never actually act or believe in it? Kind of funny how the more one tries to change, the more one stays the same. The more one tries to make sense of something, the more one sees how pointless and senseless it is.

…With that said, maybe I should start charging hourly rate for this kind of shit.

"You are late." Yukinoshita said matter-of-factly as she attempted to snatch the strawberry mix from my hand.

Keyword on 'attempted".

"No, I am not. Beside, what is with this attitude?" I said in a singsong voice as I wave the drink right before her eyes. "Yukinoshita, Yukinoshita, how about you 'show some gratitude?', huh?"

"Gratitude? For what?"

"For the mere fact that I just bought you a drink without expecting anything in return?"

"Yet you still expected me to 'show some gratitude', so that statement is empirically untrue." Yukinoshita laughs deviously. "Hikigaya, Hikigaya, are you so logically impaired that you forget what you say right after you say it? Are you an idiot, Hikigaya-kun?"

"Okay, okay, you win, you win! No need to rub it all over…" I hand the drink to the smug-faced Yukinoshita who is doing a fist pump. Hey, that is dangerously cute! "Congratulation, here is your prize for beating a smartass in his own game." With that said, I turn to Yuigahama. "Here, yours."

"Uh…Thanks, I guess?" Yuigahama rubs her eyes against her sleeve while looking at me strangely. "I mean, this is…ahaha, maybe I am just thinking too much into it, right?" Yuigahama laughs softly as she hold on to the canned coffee. "Everyone has a side they don't want others to know and such!"

"Is that a roundabout way to say that Hikigaya-kun is a back-stabbing two-faced misshapen lump of humanoid residue, Yuigahama-san?" Yukinoshita glares sharply at me in amusement as she drinks her fruit punch. "For if that was the case, I heavily suggest you to just frankly tell him the truth: that man's mutated skin is unusually thick for a useless piece of industrial garbage."

"First thing first, if I was two-faced, why the hell would I be wearing this one?" I snorted. "And if I was by some chance industrial garbage, then you would be agricultural waste. In another word, shit."

"Agricultural waste is by nature recyclable and useable, so I win by default."

"Who say you can't recycle and reuse industrial garbage? Your argument is just full of holes."

"Not as much as your pathetic, half-baked rebuttal, Hikigaya kun."

"Bah, just stop, we are getting nowhere with this shit. Anyway, have you found out what is holding her up?"

"Naturally, as a result of your absence, our conversation went along swimmingly." Yukinoshita says as she places her empty drink on the table and grab her schoolbag. "To put it simply enough even an illiterate brute like you can understand, she wants to make cookie, so we are going to the Home economics classroom to help her do so."

"Yeah, basically, it was like that, and I just don't want my friends to know about it, since…y'know, they will make fun of me and stuff, like, this is seriously old-fashioned and stuff, right?!"

"Yeah yeah, there is just one little problem here: I don't know how to make cookie. Just let me look for the recip-"

"…What have made you believed we were expecting anything regard to your cooking ability in the first place, Hikigaya-kun? We just want you there to taste the cookie and tell us your opinions."

"Okay, but-…"

"No but, we know you are useless in this kind of matter from the start. Just follow us."

B-but I can bake and stuff too!

"A-ahaha, Hikki, don't feel sad, okay?" Yuigahama look at me sympathetically. "It is normal for male to be useless in this kind of stuff, after all!"

As I look at her in that moment, I realized that the emotion she wore right now is not sympathy.

It is pity.

Yuigahama, a horribly clumsy klutz who (probably) cannot even whip up a decent batch of cookie pities me because she think I am an even worse cook than her.

…

This make me a little bit peachy.

Or should I say, bitchy?

Good job, me, your pun is still shitty! Yay!

Anyhow, let's blow their mind out.

…As Yukinoshita opened the refrigerator with confidence, taking out a bunch of eggs and a carton of milk, I silently ponder on what to make.

Macaron? Too risky.

Quatre-quarts? Too damn bland.

Choux à la crème? Need fridge.

…Wait, we do have fridge. Egg, milk, flour, butter, sugar? All set. Flavorings? Yup, vanilla powder may not be as fancy as vanilla extract, but they get the job done. See, this mightttt be doable, if I time it right. Or something. I mean, let's prepare the crème patisserie first.

"...Your apron is tangled, Yuigahama-san. Do you honestly not know how to wear one?" Talk? Not about me. Ignore. Wait, apron? No need. Eggs? Do need. About 3 eggs, maybe? Sugar? Is three big tablespoons enough? Beat eggs yolks with sugar until foamy. Pour milk into pot, medium heat, 3 minutes, because unlike Gabe Newell, I can count to 3.

…On second thought, please just make Half Life 3 already.

"…-please put it on properly, or you will end up like him-someone who have long passed the point of no return." Return? What return? Mix is clumping. Shit, should return beating. Beat until it's white. Whitey whitey white. Floor? Floor Jansen? Nightwish? No, corn flour. Stir 2 tablespoons into the egg mix, beat well.

"-shita-san, is Hikigaya doing something-" Milk? Is milk heated? Is it?

"…-own sake, just ignore that man for the mean time and focus on beating the mix properly- No, clockwise, not counterclockwi-… " Milk is heated. Pour eggs yolks into to milk and stirs gradually. Put back into pot. Small heat, stirs until thicken.

"…-gahama-san, there are eggshells in your mix, the butter is still hard, and your 'secret' flavouring is clumping up. Please rectifies these problem properly before you pu-" Problem? Rectify? Recheck own. Stick to wooden spoon, no clump, tastes good, smells nice, transfer to pastry bag and store in fridge. Now, on to making patê à cho- Wait, what's that smell?

As I break out my train of thought, turn around and follow the trail of the strange coffe-y smell, I find myself arrive at the oven, standing just right to a trembling, paled-face Yukinoshita who is sweating quite profusely.

"I-I just don't understand…How it is even humanely possible for her to make mistake after mistake…"

"Yukinoshita, Yukinoshita, you are assuming there is a hard-limit to human's stupidity." I shrugged.

"I-I guess we do learn something new every day…"

"Indeed."

"Anyway!" Yuigahama took the…abominations and arranged it on a plate. "It might look like...this, but…we won't know unless we've tried!"

"Y-You are right—We even have someone here to do the taste testing."

"…I refuse. This isn't fit for human's consumption."

"H-How harsh!"

"On second thought, this isn't fit for animal consumption either. Please don't feed this to your dog, he will die, and not only because of the taste."

"W-What are you saying, you jerk!" Yuigahama cried at me, her voice gradually getting lower and lower. "M-maybe it isn't as bad as it seem? Like, don't judge a book by its cover and such…?" She mumbled these last words as she directs a puppy-like gaze toward a silent Yukinoshita as if finding ally.

Gradually, Yukinoshita's icy, thorny exterior melts under Yuigahama's carebear stare, and as she turns toward me with a troubled expression, I know just the thing to say to defuse the situation.

"If I die, I will curse you to never ever be able to touch a cat forevermore."

"H-how absurd, Hikigaya-kun. Curses aren't real." Then why are you trembling like leaf in the wind, then? "B-beside, we haven't used any inedible indigents, so it should be fine. And—" Yukinoshita takes a big gulp before whispering, "I will also be eating it, too."

"Now, now, Yukinoshita-san, you shouldn't to force yourself over it. If we both die from food poisoning then who will help Yuigahama make cookie?! Please, think for the future! Think for the children! Think for the cat! The cat, Yukinoshita!"

"…What do cats have anything to do with this?! Also, did you say something about my dog? How did you know about Sabre?..." I swiftly ignore Yuigahama's confused mumbling as I focus my stare on the trembling figure of a certain lover of cat and cute things (and Pan-san).

"I…I… " Yukinoshita stumbles over her words as she awkwardly switch gaze between me, Yuigahama and the charcoal colored iron ore.

"This…this is my responsibility, too. I am the one who accepted her request, after all. Besides, if we don't establish what is wrong with it, we won't be able to deal with the situation properly, and that will be unacceptable." Yukinoshita's voice quivers at the end as her hand move over to the blackened abomination.

"Just for clarification, Hikigaya-kun: we won't die, right?" Her eyes seem a little teary.

"Honestly, I don't know." I shrugged and pulled the dish to my side, grabbing a piece of the so-called cookie. "But I suggest we have a bucket ready." I pause and look at the determined if somewhat teary face of Yukinoshita and the curious yet uncertain face of Yuigahama who seems like she want to join in this mass suicide event.

"…And a big one, just in case."