Unlike her memory the sky was vivid, a painting with the brightest colors on display for the world to soak in, to bask in its splendor. She surrendered a brief smile as she squinted her admiration for the early morning masterpiece from inside the truck. Despite the storm brewing inside her at least a part of the world was at peace. Rick's nightmare catapulted an unexpected bonding session between them, they had a peaceful night together on the cozy couch watching movies and talking about everything but her amnesia.
She let out an uncontrolled yawn just as they pulled up to the farm. Her hand covered her mouth in a rush, feeling ashamed for her lack of manners. Rick thought her coyness was cute the first time around but she had elevated in her appeal to him with her shyness thinking that her lack of deportment would affect him somehow.
"As soon as we get the boys, I'll take you guys back home. You can sleep. I'll head into work late. I had no idea we'd watch so many movies." He was still smiling, last night had been a pleasant advancement from their unexpected setback. They felt like friends and he hoped she was ready to trust him, at least with the little things. She wanted to tell him he didn't have to stay but she was understanding that he needed to take care of the things he could where she was concerned. She nodded and took off her seatbelt.
"How's your head?"
"Everything hurts but I took my painkillers." Said pain killers had been waiting for her next to a glass of water in the bathroom when she woke up. Her ribs were sore and there was a lancing pain radiating her shoulder. She was greeted with a constant knocking in her head when she finally opened her eyes that morning after what seemed to be two hours of sleep. Hopefully a woodpecker was drilling around up there in search of her memories.
Rick made sure everything was within reach while she was getting ready, having expressed he didn't want her to overdo things. She was getting a clear picture that he was quite exceptional at taking care of her. That aspect of their relationship she could comprehend and accept. It was the lost emotional intimacy that played on her mind the most. She was sure it played on his too.
Today was a major hurdle she needed to conquer. She wanted to have a clear head when she reunited with Carl and Andre. Excitement, nervousness and fear drummed under her skin in a heady percussion but she wasn't going to give in to the dubiousness that threatened to kidnap her faith. She saw a million pictures of the boys from Sasha and Rick, there were many family photos decorating their home; on the mantle, in the family room, in the living room, their images were chiseled into her brain but she was unable to reminisce on anything that would imply her mind knew them before her eyes did.
It made her feel like the worst kind of mother; she was broken somehow.
Rick had briefed her on their personalities and she knew she was already in love with them. Carl was the caring and considerate one who loved to ask the hard hitting questions. They both shared a love of comics and cartoons and was easily the opposition to Team Rick and Dre. Andre was a cheerful whirlwind of laughter and everything outdoors. He had an unhealthy addiction to anything with four wheels and anything that flew in the air. She marvelled at hearing Rick speak about Andre, there was pride in his tone and she could tell he loved their son so much. He told her Andre's sweet disposition was a healing balm for all that ails and she wondered if the baby boy she carried inside her for nine months could be her anecdote. She hoped that seeing them would spark some current to the faulty wiring in her head. She was desperate for it, no longer wanting reasons to question her sanity.
Still, she opted for optimism despite her struggle with light and darkness over her situation. She asked Rick to turn on the radio, in need of some melodious song to take her mind of the eagerness of seeing her kids, now was not the time for another headache. The truck would also be filled with a little less tension, they didn't feel like strangers anymore but they didn't feel like husband and wife either.
She was oddly surprised to hear the sweet sounds of K-Ci and JoJo with All my Life oozing from the radio. She watched Rick give her a halfway smile when she shot him an upturned eyebrow. She pegged him as the typical country boy and was expecting contemporary or even some country music but she misjudged him. She folded her hands and glanced in his direction, trying to be inconspicuous about her observation of his model like appearance; the bold way his denim shirt stretched the tenacity of its fabric as it covered his taut back and shoulders, his dark jeans were thigh huggers and even if she didn't see him in boxers last night she could make out his well defined legs.
She was ogling him as he spoke, she looked away. Then gave him her attention again just as swiftly as she'd minused it.
She could oggle him. Right? He was her husband.
She redirected her attention to the tempting pink of his lips and the small sneak peeks of his tongue as he spoke. Was stubble supposed to look like it belonged on a man's face?He was explaining with a smug expression how she had converted him to urban music, to which she let out a scandalous laugh. He found her laughter at his music selection ironic considering her phone was full of every country western singer from Dolly Parton to the Dixie Chicks but she didn't know their influence on each other ran both ways. In any case he got to watch her pretty lips curve into a smile and that alone was a highlight for him. She noticed him staring at her too, Rick Grimes was a mystery to her but unravelling him was going to intrigue her immensely.
They were deep in conversation and she hadn't realized they arrived at their destination. She had a feeling that talking was their thing and it made her glad to know she would've considered her husband a friend too. Talking to him was easier than expected.
The back door which opened up to the kitchen wasn't locked, so they walked right in with Rick leading the way. It wasn't a typical farm house, it was the fancy kind you saw on TV and she felt transported. The kitchen was rustic with an all American vibe with its white painted cabinets and soapstone countertops. Mason jars and glass canisters added to the quintessential farmhouse feel along with the soft wood stools and stately dinner table decorating the large kitchen area. She gathered all the action took place there and she was certain she was supposed to recall many happy times in her father-in-law's home but it was another empty room in her head . The Grimes' were a close knit family from what Sasha told her and they had plenty of friends who liked their bellies.
Her nostrils were deliciously attacked with the savory scents of scrambled eggs, toast, country fried bacon and hash browns. She instantly gained an appetite, forgetting the small bowl of oatmeal her husband made for her before they left home. It was a negotiating process just to get her to eat the steel cut oats.
Who needed a working appetite when she was functioning on half a brain?
"Good mornin' See you guys made it early." Hershel rounded the corner and greeted them just as Rick snagged a piece of bacon and handed one to her. She remembered Maggie's dad who was always well dressed, just as he was now; in a crisp white shirt, suspenders with dark trousers and his all white hair neatly slicked back. He was a jacket away from attending a wedding.
"Hey Dad." Rick patted him on his back as Hershel made his way to Michonne who was trying to maintain a smile on her face. She felt a chill inside, she remembered her friend's dad, but not his son.
"Michonne." He pulled her in a tight embrace no hesitation, she had no choice in returning his hug. "It's tragic what happened to you and Andrea. But you're alive and that's what's important. Your memory will come back when it's ready." All she could do was nod and pull some of his gratitude and hopefulness and seep it into her soul.
"In the meantime I want you to know two things. Those boys in there been askin' for ya' every hour on the hour, they're not gonna care too much bout' your memory. They just want you." The thing about Hershel was he spoke with authority but there was also a kindness and an honesty that couldn't be faked, she needed honesty amidst all her uncertainties. "And the second thing is….my boy over there, he loves you, don't be afraid of it." He was also wise and never held back whenever he had advice to give. He turned to Rick, "Be patient with each other right now." He stepped aside and poured himself a cup of steaming coffee as she tried to pull herself together. Everybody was campaigning heavily for the man like he was running for President. If he was so great why couldn't her mind pull him up from her database? Why must she start from scratch all over again? Life wasn't fair sometimes and her debacle stirred a bitter anger inside her. She had to swallow it down for the sake of the boys.
Maggie came next, belly first in the kitchen with two handsome young men trailing behind her still wearing their superhero pajamas. Their faces, still full of sleep brightened on site when they spotted her.
"Mommy!" Andre was the first to run to her and she wasn't ready for the overwhelming feeling of him in her arms. She dropped painfully to her knees with the weight of his embrace.
Her baby boy.
Her heart ceased, then started pumping so fast she thought it would beat out of her chest. She didn't want to let on how holding him was sweet sorrow for her. She had no consciousness of her own baby boy, the tears poured out of her like an aggressive waterfall. She wanted to stare at him, internalize every feature of his small frame. The Instant love that froze her was overwhelming in it's initiation of her son, almost like a physical ache in her chest. She made a promise of permanent reunion from here on out.
"Hi." She managed to breathe out under a watchful eye of Rick whose smile was visible for the world to see. Her hands were running all over Andre as she kissed his still baby like cheeks over and over. There was a trace of Mike in his eyes but he had her face and that made her heart soar. She drilled his image in her head, wanting it to be stored in a place that could never be compromised. She didn't want to let him go and he seemed content to lean on her chest as she held him.
Carl was slower in his greeting, from what Rick told her Maggie did a little explaining to Carl about her hopefully temporary condition because Carl was too smart to not pick up something was off with his mother. They were both uncertain of his reaction to her and everyone waited patiently for him to speak. She had flashbacks of Carl but the version she had of him in her mind was a five year old kid with a fish bowl haircut, bright smile and an obsession with frogs. Now he was almost to her chest in height with a tapered haircut. His piercing blue eyes were strumming loud notes in her chest that had previously been on mute.
She caught his timid expression and opened her arms to him.
"It's okay. You can hug me." Her tone was meant to reassure him, he caught on to it like a lifesaver and hugged her tightly. She could imagine the thought of losing another mother ripping him up inside. She tightened her hold on him too, wanting to protect him from that kind of fear. She hoped her arms were the right kind of security for him. The tears continued to trickle out, now like a slow stream and she did nothing to stop it. Her body hurt but with them under her touch she wanted to feel every visceral tendon when it came to Carl and Andre because at least she knew she could feel them seep into her heart. Her maternal instinct was overpowering memory loss and she didn't want the moment to be tainted with pride. She crushed them both to her, trying to hold onto the feel and shape of her bodies. Trading her physical pain for a heartfelt ache so deep and pure that it could only be love.
She wondered why they didn't have more kids. Andre and Carl were two loving children and she could easily envision a little girl joining the bunch.
She saw Rick move to loosen their hold on her but she stopped him with a vehement shake of her head and still of her hand. She needed to hold them, despite Andre pressing on her ribs harshly. The pain of not remembering her beautiful little boy was twice as harsh and now the scent of him was too sweet to lose. Maggie stood observing the trio and placed a warm touch on Rick, he too was moved by what he saw. She was doing this for them, sacrificing her uncertainty for their boys peace of mind and maybe hers too. She was always selfless when it came to their children, that hadn't changed.
Andre pulled away to look at her, his inquisitive eyes putting her under a microscope. "Why are you crying Mommy?" He reached out and swiped her cheek. "Are you sad?"
"I'm a little sad, but I'm also so happy I get to see you." She was trying not to run straight into a full on ugly cry, not with the room full of people but she was too late with her efforts.
"Dre, Mommy was hurt okay. She's still in a lot of pain so be easy okay." She observed how soft Rick's cadence was when speaking with her son. Andre responded with a nod and he found himself in his daddy's arms, she found herself staring straight into a miniature version of a certain Sheriff who had a comforting hand on her shoulder as he spoke.
"Is it true you can't remember us?" Carl's tone was soft, she touched his silky brown hair before she calibrated the correct response.
"Some things are a bit hazy, but we're hoping it comes back soon." She wiped her eyes again, tears staining her cheeks. He was a child and she wanted him to be as untouched by this turmoil as possible so she was intentionally vague.
"Does that mean you can't remember our Black Panther, Iron Man debate from last week?" He asked with a kind of grave concern only a ten year old could muster.
He metamorphosed her tears into a real laugh and somehow she knew that's what Carl did for her; he was her laughter.
"No I can't." She said it with a smile, she felt this alleged debate had the propensity to grow serious quickly.
"Too bad Mom. I won that one." His rationale of her memory loss was innocent but yet simple in a reminder of how grateful she needed to be that she was still here getting another chance to fall in love with these two boys again. She wondered if the sentiment could be transferred to their father too?
His casual use of the word mom melted her. There were no biological ties between them but certainly there was trust and the revelation caused her throat to feel like she was a fire breathing dragon being burnt by her own power. She hoped they could rebuild what was lost to her, together.
"Maybe we can debate it all over again. What do you say?" It was an invitation for a debate and a relationship. He grinned in response and gave her a high five as a sign of promise.
"Maggie" She rose from the floor with a steady hand from Rick, the boys ran ahead of Hershel to get their stuff. "Thanks for all you've done for….us." Maggie had been faultlessly supportive since she woke up in the hospital. The tenure of friendship had been tried and proven over the years but having her as a sister-in-law was showing her new dimensions of love and family.
"Don't even mention it." She sipped her hot cocoa as she rubbed her cute belly. "The girls and I want to visit, maybe next week to talk about the wedding. If you're up to it…." She looked excited and Michonne thought seeing her friends might be a breath of fresh air.
"Andrea isn't returning our calls though." Maggie said.
She hugged Andrea briefly at the hospital, she was in no condition to speak for long or rehash what they'd been through. Maggie said she was in good hands with this Shane Walsh she had recently divorced. She knew a conversation between them couldn't be avoided for long. She also had to find out what happened the night of the accident.
"Mags, I think -"
"Rick. I'm fine. I'll be okay with a visit." She calmed him with her touch and nodded at Maggie as a sign of agreement.
The boys came running in the kitchen with Hershel toting their Iron Man overnight bags, he handed them to Rick. "I know you two aren't staying but have some breakfast before you leave. Annette made enough." He insisted pulling out chairs as he handed out pretty blue plates for use. Maggie's husband Glenn joined them and she remembered the generous veterinarian that was smittened with Maggie since she was twenty one. Michonne was excited to see they had gotten married and was expecting their first child.
Hershel waited on their response before he sat, with a this looks so good look shared between Rick and Michonne they sat down and as a team constructed plates for their boys and themselves.
Communicating without words seemed to be effortless for them. They started talking about random things and she appreciated not being treated like glass because of her defect.
As she ate with her family and laughter filled their hearts and food filled their bellies she felt stronger and made a mental commitment to herself; she wasn't going to let amnesia break her.
The boys made it easy to slip into a routine, by the following week she had them all on a schedule with work and school and adequate time for the three of them to spend lavishly with each other. She really was falling in love with them all over again and they were easily the best part of her day. In terms of their cohesion as a unit things were looking up. She tried to engage in little house projects to keep herself busy. Being occupied helped her mind to focus and not float away to visions and dreams she couldn't trust. There were less eggshells around her and Rick too. Rick was cautioning her to not push herself too much, she had suffered two dizzy spells recently and was still experiencing a loss of appetite. He was checking up on her during the day and it felt nice knowing he was looking out for her. She didn't want to tell him how nauseated she was on some mornings because they were due for a doctor's visit in two weeks and she didn't want to alarm him. Dizzy spells and nausea was a side effect from having a hole in your brain where recent memories are supposed to be stored. She no longer looked forward to night time because in an odd twist of normalcy sleep had forgotten her.
Watching movies during the night when sleep passed over them was their new thing. Laughing and talking about any movie opened up a door for easy camaraderie between them. One thing she couldn't deny was their chemistry and her blinding attraction to Rick, she was having serious issues navigating her way around it.
Her conflict still remained that she felt no intimate connection with him. She wondered if she was trying to hard. She didn't want it to be forced, she wanted it to happen naturally.
Whatever it was.
She was contemplating those same thoughts on Friday morning as she decided to shower and change before she got the boys up for school. The hour was early still with the sun and the moon in a power play for air space so the house was temporarily quiet. She hadn't heard movements from Rick down the hall and she assumed he went for his morning run. A past time he acquired when the engine of her brain ran out of gas. He would be back soon, coming to their room for a change of clothes. She didn't want to be in his way for a list of valid reasons she found silly in hindsight.
They were past behaving like acquaintances and had stepped into a comfortable flow with each other but the physical aspect of their relationship was frustrating to her. She wanted to touch him but she wasn't sure she was ready, there was still not even a pea size load of recall on him.
Her mind was preoccupied as she turned off the hot shower, she stepped on the plush bath mat and realized her robe was still on the bed. Still naked and dripping wet she decided to chance it and tiptoed out the cold bathroom to retrieve the cotton terry robe when she collided with a wall made out of rigid pecs and a firm core that magnetized her hands immediately. Rick was that wall and she was unable to process the naked, glorious body of this man.
"Ohmygod!" She said as her hands flew from his perfectly contoured pecs to shield her breasts after the burn of their body bounce began to subside. She was certain his dick hit her leg and now that spot was tingling with anticipation.
"I'm sorry, I had no idea you were there." They spoke in unison. He placed his hands on the low dip of his hip not bothering to cover up. He wasn't trying for propriety.
She was his wife and frankly he wasn't sorry they walked in on each other. Especially with the penetrating manner her curious cocoa brown orbs was soaking him all in. He almost told her to take a picture, it might last longer but she may not take too kind to being heckled.
Michonne's eyes were torn, not knowing where to land; his sweaty sculpted chest? Or the pretty pink member that hung proudly between his legs? From the look of it, it was growing veiny and stiff and she felt a wetness at the juncture of her thighs that had nothing to do with the shower she just had.
She couldn't help it, she knew she stared. Just as how he was glaring at her perky breasts and the hand that tried to cover her crotch.
"What are you doing here?" She backed up, needed to break the trance between them.
"I live here..." He was in the mood to be a smart ass and also he loved this confused, imperfect version of her.
"Could you stop staring and grab me my robe please?"
She wasn't expecting him to simply turn around and do as she asked, showcasing his tight ass unashamedly in the process. He was playing dangerous and she was unnerved and turned on by his cocky confidence.
God! He was incredibly sexy. She was having mental pictures of his dick flashing in her head and all the things she could do with it or more than likely had done with it. He returned wearing a blue robe and he handed one to her. He was glad to see she was flustered, pleased that his body still evoked that kind of response from her. She was biting her lip out of nervousness like she always did. She did it when she was thinking too, but this one was nerves, either way it drove him to distraction.
He remembered that way he sucked on it, before his tongue invaded the wetness of her mouth and how she would melt into him because when he kissed her, her knees grew weak.
Now all he had was a taste of a memory.
She shut the bathroom door behind her and leaned on the wooden support with a deep sigh. Where his body was concerned, her awareness was mainstream. She couldn't help but think how it would feel to be possessed by him. She figured that cognizance wasn't lost permanently, hopefully in her confusion a diaspora of intimate memories had been created. She hoped she could call upon it soon.
She heard him moving about their bedroom, he thought he was being quiet but Rick was anything but quiet, more so when he was trying to be.
It wasn't a crime to be turned on by your own husband. Rick was sexy without even trying to be. From his sultry blue eyes that could easily coax an unsuspecting woman to rob a bank, to his bearded face, that morphed him from underwear model, when his face was clean shaven, too naughty professor when his beard kicked in at high gear. It was no wonder the girls at the grocery store had been fawning all over him two days ago.
She could watch him walk for miles with that bow legged swagger he effortlessly owned. She intentionally never looked at his hands because in her mind they were absolutely perfect and would surely be her demise once they touched her. His hands weren't soft but they weren't callused either, she could tell they were used. Rick grimes wasn't a man who shied away from hard work. That attribute spanned his personal and work life. She knew he was a hard worker.
It would be too easy to surrender herself because of the intensity of their attraction. She couldn't deny their intense chemistry but she needed to go beyond the physical with Rick. She didn't want to just play a role for him or their boys.
They had too much to lose if the attraction was fleeting. She needed them to work and without sounding like she was making a joke about the thing that had so easily beset her from him, she needed to have her head in the game.
By the time he came home that evening the kids were in bed. Rick was working arduously with his team at the Station over the past few weeks and the Mayor's office to raise awareness for drug use in their schools and communities so sometimes late nights were unavoidable.
The boys reluctantly went to bed without their usual night time tuck in from Rick which normally preceded with a game like hide and sleep or toy scavenger hunt. Andre and Carl lapped up the intrigue so they did not hold back how unhappy they were about his absence tonight. Rick was admirable in the way he fathered their sons, he was a good role model for them.
"Had a good day?" She assumed he took off his shirt in the car as he labored through their back door in a white tee, tiredness leaking from his face.
"Crazy day." He said, passing a feathered hand on her back. She was giving into light touches here and there, he didn't want to over do it but he missed the peace touching her usually brought him. He knew it was only a matter of time before she let him completely in her heart again.
He opened the fridge and retrieved a beer. He peeped over her shoulder to see what had enlisted her attention, she was pondering on table settings for Sasha's wedding along with a list of other necessities she was highlighting in yellow. She had been going hard at the planning for the past few evenings. He knew his wife, she needed to be occupied. She loved her law career and being home with the boys but as much as he knew she loved them it wasn't sufficient for her. She did the balancing act of working mom so expertly before. He could only imagine what her empty days felt like now.
He hoped his gift would be appreciated. He deliberated on it most of the week but decided to take a bold step and do something for Michonne that he thought she needed. She closed her note book and headed to the microwave just as he sat down opposite her at the dining table. He was pleased every time she waited up for him to come home. It made him feel like he had his wife back and he was too eager to spend time with her. She had prepared his favorite; steak and potatoes and he appreciated how she too was extending herself towards him. Over the few weeks the four of them went from feeling like something was missing to something resembling a family even though her memory was yet to return.
He had stopped asking her every day if she remembered anything, he was too eager to find out and she was too numb about it.
They seemed to be discovering more things she had forgotten. On the bad days she was the hide to his seek. For every door he entered, she involuntarily closed it. Knowing she was waiting up for him completely of her own volition excited him and he prayed he wasn't subjecting himself to a dose of naive optimism. A few nights they took up residence in the TV room and watched movies ranging from Pretty Woman to Predator, it was a time of discovery for them as she was relaxed enough to chat and ask him all kinds of questions of their life together. He was an encyclopedia on them and she was an eager student.
"I got ya somethin' " He pulled out a colorful brochure and handed it to her, she took it with the excitement of a child, beginning to read it immediately.
One thing hadn't changed, she still loved gifts and he still loved giving them to her. He needed to keep that in mind.
"Pottery classes?" Pottery was always something she wanted to get into but never had the time. Was he recommending the class to her?
"I was doing a bit of research and pottery is actually quite therapeutic for the brain." He read spinning clay brings your mind and body into a natural synergy and an idea struck. "Maybe you can take a few classes and hopefully it will relax you and maybe we'll see what can happen.." His words drifted off as he filled his mouth with the italian potatoes trying to make his suggestion sound casual and not controlling.
She was touched by his gesture and the research he had put into finding a hobby for her that not only she would like but also might have the byproduct of hopefully bringing her memory back.
"Wildfire? Where is it?" This was a great idea and she grew excited by the prospect of learning something exciting and new.
"It's downtown. They have a six week package with classes twice a week. You always said you wanted to try it. I um...I took the initiative and signed you up." His eyes moved away from her face, reluctant to see her expression.
"You did this for me?" The research, the planning, the thoughtfulness, his efforts did not go unnoticed.
He knew he couldn't help her retrieve all she had lost. As much as she was trying to reformat what her brain knew her efforts had been futile. The time lapse was doing a number on her. He felt her pain too, they were always closer than soulmates; when she got cut he bled too.
A pottery class would be a different landscape and maybe that's what she needed.
"I did." He took a swig of his beer as his eyes happily returned to her beautiful face.
"Thank you Rick." Her smile lit up his life. He missed her so much even though she was right in front of him.
"Your welcome. It starts next Monday." She placed the brochure in the basket on top the refrigerator and took his plate away, having finished his dinner and began to load the dishwasher.
"I have a question for you." She said watching him from her peripheral. Her random thought generator was on hyperdrive today and she needed a ready outlet.
"What is it?" He wanted her to ask him something intimate about their relationship but he didn't want to have any expectations.
"What's the one random thing we used to do together that no one else knows that you would want me to remember?"
His forefinger was circling his thumb as he deliberated his response. She leaned on the doorway of their kitchen in expectation of his answer. His response was delayed as he appreciated her form in her red plaid shirt and shapely black tights that fit her body like a glove. How could he be envious of a piece of clothing? It got to touch her body that's why, and all he had was flashbacks of the smooth plains of her belly, the scar on her left leg that she loved him to kiss and the diamond juncture of her thighs that opened up to him without thought or hesitation at his touch.
He knew what he missed but it wasn't what she wanted to hear so he searched again and pulled a more romantic ritual that expressed their unity perfectly.
She saw resolution cover his face and her heart began to race as he stalked towards her.
He boldly invaded her personal space and spoke, "Sometimes the boys might be in bed or playing video games and we'd just….dance. In any room of this house." His eyes weren't being subtle in the way they were devouring her and in as much as he was crowding her space she was confused by how breathing became easier for her.
She was expecting a few odd things but she wasn't expecting that level of insight to their closeness and love.
She felt brave with the knowledge of how romantic they appeared to be. She was nostalgic for something she was unable to miss.
It didn't even come to her in fragments, bits and pieces of a kiss or a caress that would somehow elicit a heated passion inside her. She wanted desperately to feel those things for him.
She didn't know where the gumption came from but the words, "Remind me" left her lips before she could rationalize what that would imply.
His eyes gave a seductive response with an unstrained desire that radiated from their blueness.
He fished his smart phone out his pocket, swiped the home key and toggled with a few more commands before setting it on the counter.
It was her first date all over again because the anxiety certainly felt the same as he took both her hands and lead her to the middle of the kitchen, just off the island. The three pendant lights above them played like a spotlight to their impromptu trip down memory lane. She was certain with him being so close to her, he could hear the pounding in her chest.
He switched on their Google Home Mini resting on the counter, something she didn't pay much attention to and spoke in a firm tone, expecting his command to be obeyed. "Google, play Richonne's love playlist on spotify."
"Richonne?" The portmanteau was amusing and pulled a laugh out of her.
"You came up with it when you created the playlist." He had a sideways smile as he answered. She couldn't laugh too much, it was her sweet but corny creation.
The potent swirl of the song's intro permeated the room and her whole face smiled with recognition. He wanted to permeate all corners of her existence in the same manner with an aim to remind her how much she loved him.
"At last by Etta James? I love Etta." She beamed at him as he brought them chest to chest, a light hand on her waist, her small palm in his firm grasp.
"I know." She didn't know why the cocky version of Rick turned her on so much.
"This is our song?" The glide around the room was effortless, smooth as though they had done the dance a million times before.
At last my love has come along
My lonely days are over and life is like a song
"One of them. You chose this one, you said Etta wrote the words for us."
At last the skies above are blue
The space between them where they weren't touching sizzled with longing.
My heart was wrapped up in clover the night I looked at you
I found a dream that I can speak to
A dream that I can call my own
They were fluid in their moments and she could picture them in a ballroom mesmerizing an audience just by the way they moved in tandem.
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill I've never known
If only real life was like the dance they were executing so smoothly, her struggle wouldn't seem so tumultuous.
You smiled and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine at last
Her knees felt wobbly now, he felt her dip in stance and secured her more tightly against him. It was the assured gaze of his that hooked her in and their lips moved closer together while the orchestrated music was still swirling around them. His lips were parted, they were inches away from kissing and she wanted to kiss him just to see what he tasted like. She wanted the wetness of his tongue to take hers in a dance, reminding her of who she belonged to but she was a coward. So she smiled when she should've leaned, subtly telling him she wasn't ready. She closed her eyes, all she saw in his was love and it was something she couldn't give him back yet. She rested her head on his shoulder trying not to leave the moment.
She wanted some kind of trigger, some thought or vision that she could depend on to be true but nothing came. Nothing ever came and it was torture living in a house with a man she couldn't remember. It pained her more than the headaches, more than the bruised ribs, more than her sore shoulder because all she wanted most was to remember Rick. She was doing him an injustice by giving him false hope with a dance in the kitchen on a random Friday night and an almost kiss.
The dance was flustering her, he could see it. Her body felt tense now considering she was relaxed a few seconds ago in his arms. Her mind was racing, he knew it by the harshness of her breathing. He'd been a fool to think one song and an embrace would encourage her to open up to him.
Most days had been good for them but he needed a compass to navigate her mind at times. He felt like an idiot for his high expectations but he promised her for better or worse. He promised her forever so he was hers regardless of this heartache.
It was going to be a lot of work because she required so much patience from him but if loving her was a job he'd gladly work for free.
He felt her leave him before she subtly loosened her hands from his hold
"I think I'll head up to bed now. You mind if we skip the movie tonight?" She just wanted to be alone.
"Yeah sure. Have a good rest."
"You too. I'll see you in the morning." She started for the stairs and paused to look at him one last time. "Rick?"
"Yeah?" She heard the struggle in his voice and saw the sorrow tucked in the creases of his eyes and she felt worse because she had put it there.
"Thank you for registering me in the pottery class and thank you for the dance….it was...nice." She wanted to add she was sorry she couldn't give him more, sorry she couldn't remember him, sorry she forgot how to love him but she didn't.
He nodded, unable to speak, emotion stuck in his throat like a dagger stuck in a wound. Only wounds heal over time, he wasn't sure his heart would ever recover from this kind of torture.
She padded up the stairs quickly unable to bear witness to the intensity of his sadness. He opted for some liquid calm and went to the furthest cabinet, retrieved a bottle of whiskey and poured himself a drink.
He grew pensive in his pain but all he could ponder on was her feelings and how it was taking more strength than he had to see her navigate her new life so painfully.